Last night I had a dream......... and it was so vivid, it hurt. Ironically it was concerning a family reunion (which I have coming up next weekend; not this weekend but the one after). There was one person I used to look forward to seeing every year. I mean, I would get excited for weeks to come, because I knew I'd get to see him. That person was my cousin, Tony.
I used to be such a dork around him. I didn't have a crush on him (though he was my 3rd cousin, so it wouldn't have been weird in the South), but I thought he was the most amazing person to be around. He always showed so much concern for me, and went out of his way to spend time with me. He was so kind to everyone, and made everyone feel special. He was very supportive during my childhood- we emailed back and forth, and he helped me cope with my parents' constant arguing. He always lifted my spirits and gave nothing but encouragement. No wonder why I looked forward to seeing him so much!
When I was a freshman in high school, he committed suicide. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever been faced with. It took years for me to heal. Praise the Lord for healing! But I still miss him terribly, and as family reunions get closer, I get sadder and sadder thinking about what it'd be like if he was still there.
In my dream last night, he was there......... and I remember the gratitude I felt in my heart to spend one more day with him. I never left his side. We sat on a picnic table bench and just talked the entire time. I don't remember everything we talked about, but I remember it was good.
Even though ambien messes with your body, it gives you vivid dreams, and I am so thankful for that. I'm so thankful that I got to see him again. And I got to hug him. I always wanted to hug him one more time........ and it felt real. It was so wonderful.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Moving On
I've been bored lately (the past couple of nights) so to cure my boredom, I started packing. I packed the spare room up, packed all of my winter clothes, packed clothes I don't wear so I can take them to Goodwill..... I packed up a lot of my pictures/picture frames laying around. I realize that I won't be moving for a couple of months, but I am so antsy. If I send my resume' out, and apply, and they offer me a job immediately, I am 99% sure I'd leave immediately to go down there. I just have zero interest in being here anymore.
After talking to my mom, I decided that I will sell my furniture up here, so that I don't have to pay for a moving truck to haul it all down to FL. It's close to 1000, gas included, to rent one. And for that much, I'd rather just buy new stuff down there, because this couch & chairs were hand-me-downs. I don't even like them. The couch is too narrow to even lay on it, really. I mean, you can, but you feel like if you move you might fall off.
In the process of thinking about moving, I know that I'll need a spare bed; my brother & sister-in-law will probably visiting often, or at least I will have the niece & nephew spend the night/weekend to give them a break. So I will need a second bed. That inspired me to buy new bedding!!!!!!!
It's from Sears. It was kind of expensive, with the decorative pillows that I bought, but really not that bad. It is sitting in my trunk, however. I don't want it to reak of smoke, so I will sadly leave it out there until I move. Then the spare bedroom will be brown, teal & lime green (the colors I currently have in my bedroom). The colors of the new bedding make me STOKED for Florida. It's very colorful. I love it!
I wish I was more motivated to work on my resume'. I don't even know where to begin with it; completing the one after college was much easier, I think. We had a template to use, to list our clinical experience. But I don't really want to list all of my clinical experience, since I've had real experience in the hospital now. But I don't know what all to put on it!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr.
I knew today would be a good day; when I went to Target, Anchorman & Tommy Boy were on sale for $3.98 each! I have been wanting to buy Anchorman so badly!!!!!!! "Sky rockets in flight, pewwwwwwwwwwwww, afternoon delight........" :-D I am watching it right now.
I also watched Madea Goes to Jail tonight. I think it would've been much more enjoyable watching with someone, but I still think it was good. I bought it to fullfill my membership with Columbia House, because I was going to buy it in the store anyway. I own all the other ones and LOVE them. I love Tyler Perry. The movies are HILARIOUS and have a wonderful, wonderful message.
That's really it...... I suppose I will work on my resume' now...... I mean, what good is bookmarking 9 apartments without having a job down there first? :-)
After talking to my mom, I decided that I will sell my furniture up here, so that I don't have to pay for a moving truck to haul it all down to FL. It's close to 1000, gas included, to rent one. And for that much, I'd rather just buy new stuff down there, because this couch & chairs were hand-me-downs. I don't even like them. The couch is too narrow to even lay on it, really. I mean, you can, but you feel like if you move you might fall off.
In the process of thinking about moving, I know that I'll need a spare bed; my brother & sister-in-law will probably visiting often, or at least I will have the niece & nephew spend the night/weekend to give them a break. So I will need a second bed. That inspired me to buy new bedding!!!!!!!
It's from Sears. It was kind of expensive, with the decorative pillows that I bought, but really not that bad. It is sitting in my trunk, however. I don't want it to reak of smoke, so I will sadly leave it out there until I move. Then the spare bedroom will be brown, teal & lime green (the colors I currently have in my bedroom). The colors of the new bedding make me STOKED for Florida. It's very colorful. I love it!
I wish I was more motivated to work on my resume'. I don't even know where to begin with it; completing the one after college was much easier, I think. We had a template to use, to list our clinical experience. But I don't really want to list all of my clinical experience, since I've had real experience in the hospital now. But I don't know what all to put on it!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr.
I knew today would be a good day; when I went to Target, Anchorman & Tommy Boy were on sale for $3.98 each! I have been wanting to buy Anchorman so badly!!!!!!! "Sky rockets in flight, pewwwwwwwwwwwww, afternoon delight........" :-D I am watching it right now.
I also watched Madea Goes to Jail tonight. I think it would've been much more enjoyable watching with someone, but I still think it was good. I bought it to fullfill my membership with Columbia House, because I was going to buy it in the store anyway. I own all the other ones and LOVE them. I love Tyler Perry. The movies are HILARIOUS and have a wonderful, wonderful message.
That's really it...... I suppose I will work on my resume' now...... I mean, what good is bookmarking 9 apartments without having a job down there first? :-)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
past couple of days
Rae, my sister-in-law's cousin, and I left Tuesday morning when I got out of work for Florida. She picked me up around lunch time. Shortly after we left, my phone rang. My heart jumped and then about stopped when I saw "Joe" on the caller ID. At first I got excited, because it didn't register that it wouldn't be him.... and my heart stopped because I knew what whoever was on the other line was calling to say. It was Jeanine- bless her heart for having the courage to call me. After I asked how she was, there was a pause. "He's gone." My heart started racing. "Was it peaceful?" I managed to get out, trying not to lose it, since I didn't want to make the situation awkward for Rae. "Autumn, oh my gosh, yes. It was so peaceful." Praise God. I am so incredibly happy that Joe is in Heaven right now. I kept thinking about it all day long... he is in HEAVEN! Meeting JESUS! I'm so thankful. And jealous :-) When I got off the phone, Rae encouraged me to cry if I wanted to. I thought about it, but I really didn't want to quite yet. I waited for my turn to drive, when she was laying in the backseat to put my sunglasses on and let er rip.
The most beautiful thing happened yesterday morning though. The song "Ten Thousand Angel" (the link I posted last time) came on.... as the sun was coming above the horizon... in Florida, of all places. At THAT VERY second. Crazy that it would appear during that song. I had been listening to praise and worship, thinking about Joe. And it was just kind of confirmation, from God, that the sun also rises. Things will be ok. Life will still go on. I will have my good days and bad days. But God is so faithful. And things will be alright.
On a happier note, I arrived to Florida and am surrounded by the ones I love so much. This morning my nephew woke me up, because he didn't want to wait to play with me. Normally I'd be steamed waking up at 8 am. but I was so happy, and thankful to have the opportunity. I love being here. And my heart needs this this week. Praise God for perfect timing.
The most beautiful thing happened yesterday morning though. The song "Ten Thousand Angel" (the link I posted last time) came on.... as the sun was coming above the horizon... in Florida, of all places. At THAT VERY second. Crazy that it would appear during that song. I had been listening to praise and worship, thinking about Joe. And it was just kind of confirmation, from God, that the sun also rises. Things will be ok. Life will still go on. I will have my good days and bad days. But God is so faithful. And things will be alright.
On a happier note, I arrived to Florida and am surrounded by the ones I love so much. This morning my nephew woke me up, because he didn't want to wait to play with me. Normally I'd be steamed waking up at 8 am. but I was so happy, and thankful to have the opportunity. I love being here. And my heart needs this this week. Praise God for perfect timing.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
hardest day of my life
Today was officially the hardest day of my life... and I contemplated over that for a while, so my decision was thought out. Joe has progressively gotten sicker over the past week. It's hard to believe that I had a full conversation with him a week ago on the phone. I would have talked to him forever if I really thought it was the last time I'd converse with him. And I wish I could have recorded his voice, or him saying that he loved me. I hear it in my head, but it is different to hear in person.
I talked to Joe's wife yesterday and she said that he had gotten worse. He isn't really talking much, he just sleeps a lot. And I could hear the sorrow in her voice, as she lied that, "we're ok", as if trying to convince herself that it was the truth. My heart broke when her voice started to shake, as she said, "I know it won't be long. It won't be long, Autumn."
So I promised myself that no matter if I wanted to or not, I owed it to Joe to go see him one last time. It absolutely put knots in my stomach. I wanted the night at work to drag on forever, so that I wouldn't have to leave and drive up to their house. On the way up there I was shaky. I felt so nauseous that I could have pulled over and thrown up at least 5 times. But I kept taking deep breaths and listened to worship music.
When I pulled up to the driveway, I sat in my car for a good minute or so convincing myself to go in. I walked up to the house and it just felt different. Instead of the excitement and enthusiasm that usually takes over as I approach the door, it was panic and worry. I opened the door and didn't hear anyone. Then I looked over to my right; there was the hospital bed in the living room, over in the corner. And my stomach dropped. There laid a very pale, frail looking body... motionless except the rapid respirations that were going in and out of his lungs. I immediately looked away, choking back the tears. My eyes welled up and I could not be in this room alone with him. So I stood at the door, telling myself that I could walk back out; nobody had seen me. They wouldn't even know I was there. But I heard footsteps coming up the basement stairs. And I saw Jeanine. A smile wiped over her exhausted face, as she set the laundry down and came to kiss my cheek. She grabbed my hand and led me over to Joe, as I trailed behind her, afraid to come close to him. I'm sure the color drained from my face as I looked more closely at him. Where there was once muscle and meat, his bones were protruding on his legs. His rounded belly is now concave, as his skin rubbed against his ribs with every breath. She stared adoringly at him. I had a hard time keeping my eyes on him. I looked around the room like it was the first time I had been to their house, hoping that Jeanine wouldn't see the pain on my face.
After a few moments of silence, she began to tell me that the hospice nurse said that he wasn't in pain. The previous months of excruciating pain that he suffered; in his shoulders, his back, his legs and feet.... he couldn't feel it anymore. A deep sigh of relief escaped me. My jaw started to quiver as I fought back the tears. She stroked his hand as his eyes began to part, as he shifted his weight slightly in the bed. "Autumn is here, Joe! She came to see you." At first he closed his eyes, and I thought he was going to fall back asleep. But he fidgetted a little bit more in bed, and fought the sleep. His eyes parted again, and I managed to get "hi" out of my mouth. Jeanine said it again: "Joe, Autumn is here. She's standing right next to you." Slowly, he turned his head to follow my voice, as I said, "I'm right here Joe." His eyes met mine, and he tried to smile. "Hi" he said, as he reached his arm over towards me. I immediately grabbed his hand and began rubbing it between both of mine. And he didn't let go. And neither did I. Over the next hour and a half or so, he would look over at me periodically and say "hi baby," as if he wanted so badly to say more, but he was so out of breath.
Amazingly, I kept my composure the entire time. I visited with Jeanine while Joe slept, never leaving his side. I knelt on the floor over the rail on the hospital bed, constantly rubbing his hand, arm, or belly. We adjusted him from time to time, as his body kept maneuvering over onto his right side, in the corner of the bed. Ed, his brother, came in and spent some time with us. We talked about memories from the hospital, when I first took care of Joe. And they told me over and over again how thankful they were for me, and how much Joe loved me. I teared up from time to time, but I suppressed them, for I knew that once the first one trickled down my face, it was the end of me.
I didn't want to leave his side. But some more of his family came, and I felt like I was intruding on their time with him, though they insisted that I could stay as long as I wanted. I couldn't bring myself to hug him one final time, or to kiss his head. Instead, I hugged and kissed the family before I left. I knew if I spoke a single word in his direction, I would have sobbed. Right there, in front of everyone, who were already struggling to hold it together. So I just looked at him, and soaked in the last second that I would see him here on this earth.
The second I got out of the house, I felt my jaw start to quiver. I hurriedly put on my sunglasses as the tears began BURSTING out of my eyes. I sped-walked to my car and got in the driver's seat. My body began to shake as sobs escaped my chest.
The worship music continued to play as I made the drive back, crying the whole way. I prayed the whole way outloud. Sometimes expressing anger. Other times expressing adoration and thanksgiving for allowing me to be a part of this man's life. But always knowing and telling God that He is Good. And His timing is perfect; I full well believe that. Knowing Joe has forever changed me. I am a better person because he lived.
So this is your honey bun, Joe...... I'm rejoicing that you're going to Heaven; they're inheriting a comedian. I can already imagine how amazing Heaven is, and I cannot fathom how it is possible, but you're going to make it an even better place. And they're going to be so happy to have you. I rest in the fact that God is good, always. I'm going to miss you. So. Incredibly. Much. Thank you for loving me. I will forever love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YELuKbD4nuw
This is one of the most beautiful songs (and one of my favorites). I want it played at the celebration of my life, whenever I go to be with Jesus. I'm loaning it to Joe. :-)
I talked to Joe's wife yesterday and she said that he had gotten worse. He isn't really talking much, he just sleeps a lot. And I could hear the sorrow in her voice, as she lied that, "we're ok", as if trying to convince herself that it was the truth. My heart broke when her voice started to shake, as she said, "I know it won't be long. It won't be long, Autumn."
So I promised myself that no matter if I wanted to or not, I owed it to Joe to go see him one last time. It absolutely put knots in my stomach. I wanted the night at work to drag on forever, so that I wouldn't have to leave and drive up to their house. On the way up there I was shaky. I felt so nauseous that I could have pulled over and thrown up at least 5 times. But I kept taking deep breaths and listened to worship music.
When I pulled up to the driveway, I sat in my car for a good minute or so convincing myself to go in. I walked up to the house and it just felt different. Instead of the excitement and enthusiasm that usually takes over as I approach the door, it was panic and worry. I opened the door and didn't hear anyone. Then I looked over to my right; there was the hospital bed in the living room, over in the corner. And my stomach dropped. There laid a very pale, frail looking body... motionless except the rapid respirations that were going in and out of his lungs. I immediately looked away, choking back the tears. My eyes welled up and I could not be in this room alone with him. So I stood at the door, telling myself that I could walk back out; nobody had seen me. They wouldn't even know I was there. But I heard footsteps coming up the basement stairs. And I saw Jeanine. A smile wiped over her exhausted face, as she set the laundry down and came to kiss my cheek. She grabbed my hand and led me over to Joe, as I trailed behind her, afraid to come close to him. I'm sure the color drained from my face as I looked more closely at him. Where there was once muscle and meat, his bones were protruding on his legs. His rounded belly is now concave, as his skin rubbed against his ribs with every breath. She stared adoringly at him. I had a hard time keeping my eyes on him. I looked around the room like it was the first time I had been to their house, hoping that Jeanine wouldn't see the pain on my face.
After a few moments of silence, she began to tell me that the hospice nurse said that he wasn't in pain. The previous months of excruciating pain that he suffered; in his shoulders, his back, his legs and feet.... he couldn't feel it anymore. A deep sigh of relief escaped me. My jaw started to quiver as I fought back the tears. She stroked his hand as his eyes began to part, as he shifted his weight slightly in the bed. "Autumn is here, Joe! She came to see you." At first he closed his eyes, and I thought he was going to fall back asleep. But he fidgetted a little bit more in bed, and fought the sleep. His eyes parted again, and I managed to get "hi" out of my mouth. Jeanine said it again: "Joe, Autumn is here. She's standing right next to you." Slowly, he turned his head to follow my voice, as I said, "I'm right here Joe." His eyes met mine, and he tried to smile. "Hi" he said, as he reached his arm over towards me. I immediately grabbed his hand and began rubbing it between both of mine. And he didn't let go. And neither did I. Over the next hour and a half or so, he would look over at me periodically and say "hi baby," as if he wanted so badly to say more, but he was so out of breath.
Amazingly, I kept my composure the entire time. I visited with Jeanine while Joe slept, never leaving his side. I knelt on the floor over the rail on the hospital bed, constantly rubbing his hand, arm, or belly. We adjusted him from time to time, as his body kept maneuvering over onto his right side, in the corner of the bed. Ed, his brother, came in and spent some time with us. We talked about memories from the hospital, when I first took care of Joe. And they told me over and over again how thankful they were for me, and how much Joe loved me. I teared up from time to time, but I suppressed them, for I knew that once the first one trickled down my face, it was the end of me.
I didn't want to leave his side. But some more of his family came, and I felt like I was intruding on their time with him, though they insisted that I could stay as long as I wanted. I couldn't bring myself to hug him one final time, or to kiss his head. Instead, I hugged and kissed the family before I left. I knew if I spoke a single word in his direction, I would have sobbed. Right there, in front of everyone, who were already struggling to hold it together. So I just looked at him, and soaked in the last second that I would see him here on this earth.
The second I got out of the house, I felt my jaw start to quiver. I hurriedly put on my sunglasses as the tears began BURSTING out of my eyes. I sped-walked to my car and got in the driver's seat. My body began to shake as sobs escaped my chest.
The worship music continued to play as I made the drive back, crying the whole way. I prayed the whole way outloud. Sometimes expressing anger. Other times expressing adoration and thanksgiving for allowing me to be a part of this man's life. But always knowing and telling God that He is Good. And His timing is perfect; I full well believe that. Knowing Joe has forever changed me. I am a better person because he lived.
So this is your honey bun, Joe...... I'm rejoicing that you're going to Heaven; they're inheriting a comedian. I can already imagine how amazing Heaven is, and I cannot fathom how it is possible, but you're going to make it an even better place. And they're going to be so happy to have you. I rest in the fact that God is good, always. I'm going to miss you. So. Incredibly. Much. Thank you for loving me. I will forever love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YELuKbD4nuw
This is one of the most beautiful songs (and one of my favorites). I want it played at the celebration of my life, whenever I go to be with Jesus. I'm loaning it to Joe. :-)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
brokenness
I got a phone call tonight that was disappointing, but I didn't think much about it.....
Joe was in the hospital this weekend and left today on hospice (which means he has very little time left). The more I think about it tonight, the more emotional I get. I have to go see him today..... and my heart is breaking. Because I don't think I can be strong in front of him, knowing this is potentially the last time I see him. I knew this was coming but it's so much harder than I had imagined. So, so much harder. He has brought so very much joy to my heart. I wouldn't take a moment of it back if I knew it'd hurt less. It was worth it.
Please pray for me. I'm going to be a wreck this week. I just know it.
Joe was in the hospital this weekend and left today on hospice (which means he has very little time left). The more I think about it tonight, the more emotional I get. I have to go see him today..... and my heart is breaking. Because I don't think I can be strong in front of him, knowing this is potentially the last time I see him. I knew this was coming but it's so much harder than I had imagined. So, so much harder. He has brought so very much joy to my heart. I wouldn't take a moment of it back if I knew it'd hurt less. It was worth it.
Please pray for me. I'm going to be a wreck this week. I just know it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
the best wedding ever
I haven't posted in for-ev-er, but this isn't a general update, it's just about this past week/weekend. Wednesday morning at 7 am, I drove up to Wisconsin for Stacy's wedding. I got there about noon. All we really did Wednesday was hang out with Eric (her fiance), go tanning, and make tissue paper balls for the reception (that turned out AWESOME, by the way). I went to bed early since I had been up for over 24 hours.
Thursday morning we went to Madison with her parents and brother to pick up her wedding dress & the guys' tuxes. We also returned some of her shower gifts and tried to find clutches for the wedding. The rest of the day we just kind of sat around packing her room up to send stuff with Eric. Two of the other bridesmaids, Caitlin and Rachel, arrived Thursday night. We sat around talking and then made a run to Walmart to get nail polish with them and Stacy's brother, Mark. When we got back, Eric & his brother, Luke (the best man) were at Stacy's. We had a little meeting to discuss details that Luke and I needed to do as the best man and moh. I am surprised at how very very detail oriented those two guys are. It's impressive. It was the first time I had met Luke. I kind of thought as a pro football player, he might be a little big headed and into himself, but he was 100% happy big brother for Eric. It was awesome to see. They left, and then the three of us bridesmaids watched The Guardian with Mark. We may have fallen asleep at least 3 times during it because it was like 1:30 in the morning.
Friday morning we woke up semi-early. We went to Stacy's nail appointment, which took for-ev-er. Good thing we brought nail polish to do our own, and a camera to keep us entertained. Even then we struggled keeping ourselves occupied the two hours. She ended up getting done just in time for us to peace out to the salon to have her make-up done (practice run). The salon was about an hour away, so we grabbed Subway for the road and left. We looked through hairstyle magazines while she got her makeup done, trying to find styles for the wedding. After that, we helped set some stuff up at the reception hall, then got to the church to get ready for rehearsal. The rehearsal went really well. Everyone looked really good- we had everyone get dressed up for the occasion, to make for some good pictures. After that was the dinner, of course. It was fun. I sat with Katie, Caitlin, Rachel, Rory & Taylor Fry (childhood friends of Stacy's), and Mark. We had to take a quiz to see how well we knew the bride & groom. I got nine out of 16 WRONG and totally got called out for it, as the moh. But Mark made a smart alec comment to back me up. It was hilarious. Might I point out that one of the questions on the quiz was "what place that Eric & Stacy go to eat at makes Eric sick every time?"..... one of the answers was IHOP, but the font was really confusing. So Mark was like, "What is I-H-O-P?" and our table roared in laughter. Oh man.
After that, we went back to the reception hall to add some final touches. We ended up staying there for another hour, which made it laaaaate at night. Eric's family was hosting a game night for everyone who was in town for the wedding, so we eventually made our way to that to play a couple games of Catch Phrase. It was definitely the most people that I've ever played a game like that with. There were probably 26 or so of us playing? After about an hour or so, we drove home to get some sleep.
Saturday morning we all woke up early early early. We had to take 2 second showers (leaving our hair dirty of course, to be done), and get on the road to head to the salon. I volunteered to drive so that my car would be in town for me to leave Sunday morning (the wedding was an hour south of Stacy's hometown/house). Stacy and her mom wanted to ride with me, and since we were running a bit late, Stacy told me that I had to speed or she was going to drive (my car). So I pretty much flew on the back roads (she lives in the middle of nowhere). On our way approaching town, the worst thing imaginable happened; I got pulled over. :-( The state trooper walked up to my car and asked why I was speeding. I didn't want to give him a long drawn out story, so I just told him that we were on our way to the bride's hair appointment and were running a little late. He was not impressed or sympathetic towards my answer. Instead he asked why my ID was IL and my plates were MI. So I told him I recently moved (which isn't a lie.... good thing he didn't ask HOW recently). He asked if the other two cars pulled over 50 yards from us were with us. I said yes, so he said he'd mark me for 70 in a 55 instead of 72, which would save me $50. He took my ID back and it took him FOREVER to walk back up. He said "Try to have a better day" as he handed my ID back and walked away. Classy. We then proceeded to drive to the salon, of course not going a mark over the speed limit this time.
We all got our hair done; the ironic thing was that Caitlin, the girl with the shortest hair took longer than the BRIDE!!!!! My hair also took forever, because the lady underestimated the thickness of my hair. I have a lot. So it took probably close to an hour to curl all of it. It was hilarious when Lauretta (Stacy's mom) was getting her hair done. We were all telling her how pretty she was (she's gorgeous). And all of a sudden on the radio, "Stacy's Mom Has Got It Going On" came on. We all busted up laughing and belted it out to her. It was fun :-) I was mad though, because I left my makeup at church the night before to do touch-ups for the wedding, and never even thought "hey, I need it to put on the first application before the touch-ups". Dingbat. Luckily one of the personal attendants of Stacy ran in to town to the church to get it and brought it back. I applied my makeup on the way back to the church.
We arrived at the church shortly after 11 and began to get dressed. We were running late, once again, but had them take the guys' pictures instead of ours first so that everything would still be on time. As time drew nearer, I really thought Stacy was going to throw up. She sat in the chair saying how nauseous she was, with her dress on. I didn't know what to do but encourage her to take deep breaths. Then it was time.....
The singers they had were INCREDIBLE. Sounded very very much like Josh Groban singing The Prayer. I was blown away. It made everyone a little misty eyed. And then the moment... the bride entered the room. The wedding party had their eyes plastered on Eric, because we had a bet whether he'd cry or not. Actually it wasn't a bet, because everyone said he would. But there he was, smiling the most genuine, biggest smile I've ever seen on him as his face turned beet red, with tears STREAMING down his face, holding back sobs. It was the most beautiful moment between two people that I have ever witnessed. My eyes filled with tears, as I turned to look at Stacy. Her eyes started to turn bloodshot, and she looked away from Eric so that she wouldn't start bawling. The ceremony went on, and I continued to have tear-filled eyes all throughout the ceremony. Of course again when Eric surprised Stacy by singing "I Will Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman. She had no idea he was going to sing (the rest of us did), and he has such a beautiful voice. During the rehearsal the day before, the pastor kept forgetting the "you may now kiss the bride" part, so Eric was nervous he'd forget it at the wedding, but he remembered :-)
After the ceremony & receiving line went through, Luke and I went to the car to drive Eric & Stacy away. It was neat to be able to share the first moments with them, talking, screaming, and honking through town. All of the little details of the day faded away, as the most important thing was accomplished; they were married.
We took more pictures at the church, downtown, and at a garden before heading to the reception. Each of us couples walked in to a different song, as the DJ read a little "about us" thing that Eric & Stacy wrote (comical, of course). Since Luke plays football and our song was "Walk It Out", we sprinted in to the room carrying a football and huddled. We 'broke' then he hiked me the football. He took off running through the crowd and I fake dodged people running at me. A few seconds later, I threw him the football and ran to him. We jumped up and slapped backs, then spiked the football to do our touchdown dance, which was of course the "Walk It Out" dance. It was awesome. Everyone absolutely loved it, and were clapping and cheering.
The dinner was sooooooo good. Luke's speech was better than mine; obviously. He deals with media and gives inspirational speeches to like high schoolers and stuff all the time. So mine was lame compared to his, but it flowed pretty well and I had the crowd laughing a few times.
After dinner, Luke and I read the quiz to the crowd to see who knew Eric & Stacy best. One of the questions was actually "Who of the two has more speeding tickets?". The answer was they had the same amount, but Luke heard about my ticket and said that he thought it should count towards Stacy- and he told the crowd my story. They were all "awwwwwww"ing, as I sat there pouting haha. After the quiz was done, Luke went down to his parents table and they were talking. Then they called Eric over. Eric got really excited and ran to his friend in the back of the room and grabbed his top hat, and came running to the stage. He grabbed the microphone and made an announcement; Eric and Stacy felt HORRIBLE about me getting a ticket, and said that some of the guests wanted to donate some money to put towards my ticket, and asked everyone if they'd be willing to put in a dollar or two to see if we could get it paid off. And one of the groomsmen, who is quite possibly the most hilarous guy ever, took it around from table to table trying to get people to donate. When all was said and done, we counted up $100 even!!!! My ticket is $160, but that was suuuuuuuuuuuch a huge blessing to have that much of it paid for. I got teary eyed when Eric made the announcement. That was so wonderful of them to do. One little kid brought me a sack of candy (it was like a little 2x3 inch bag that people could go to the candy table and fill their party favor bag with). His mom said that he was made that he didn't have his allowance there, but wanted to give me something, because he felt so terrible for me. He was 3 years old, tops. It was adorable!!!!!
Then came the dancing..... which pretty much took up our whole night. Us bridesmaids were on the dance floor probably 3/4 of the night. It was awesome. A good portion (probably a little more than half) of the guests were college aged, so they had a TON of people on the dance floor the entire night. Even some of the older couples were out there a lot too. It was just absolutely the best wedding reception I've ever been too. Everything flowed well and everyone had such an incredible time.
I decided to make the almost 5 hour trip back after the wedding, since I didn't want to pay for a hotel, now that I have a ticket to pay off. I struggled the last hour and a half but made it back around 4 am.
Greatest few days I've had in soooooooooooooo long. Or ever. I had so incredibly much fun this weekend. I haven't laughed so much in so long. Thank You, Jesus.... for blessing me so very richly.
Thursday morning we went to Madison with her parents and brother to pick up her wedding dress & the guys' tuxes. We also returned some of her shower gifts and tried to find clutches for the wedding. The rest of the day we just kind of sat around packing her room up to send stuff with Eric. Two of the other bridesmaids, Caitlin and Rachel, arrived Thursday night. We sat around talking and then made a run to Walmart to get nail polish with them and Stacy's brother, Mark. When we got back, Eric & his brother, Luke (the best man) were at Stacy's. We had a little meeting to discuss details that Luke and I needed to do as the best man and moh. I am surprised at how very very detail oriented those two guys are. It's impressive. It was the first time I had met Luke. I kind of thought as a pro football player, he might be a little big headed and into himself, but he was 100% happy big brother for Eric. It was awesome to see. They left, and then the three of us bridesmaids watched The Guardian with Mark. We may have fallen asleep at least 3 times during it because it was like 1:30 in the morning.
Friday morning we woke up semi-early. We went to Stacy's nail appointment, which took for-ev-er. Good thing we brought nail polish to do our own, and a camera to keep us entertained. Even then we struggled keeping ourselves occupied the two hours. She ended up getting done just in time for us to peace out to the salon to have her make-up done (practice run). The salon was about an hour away, so we grabbed Subway for the road and left. We looked through hairstyle magazines while she got her makeup done, trying to find styles for the wedding. After that, we helped set some stuff up at the reception hall, then got to the church to get ready for rehearsal. The rehearsal went really well. Everyone looked really good- we had everyone get dressed up for the occasion, to make for some good pictures. After that was the dinner, of course. It was fun. I sat with Katie, Caitlin, Rachel, Rory & Taylor Fry (childhood friends of Stacy's), and Mark. We had to take a quiz to see how well we knew the bride & groom. I got nine out of 16 WRONG and totally got called out for it, as the moh. But Mark made a smart alec comment to back me up. It was hilarious. Might I point out that one of the questions on the quiz was "what place that Eric & Stacy go to eat at makes Eric sick every time?"..... one of the answers was IHOP, but the font was really confusing. So Mark was like, "What is I-H-O-P?" and our table roared in laughter. Oh man.
After that, we went back to the reception hall to add some final touches. We ended up staying there for another hour, which made it laaaaate at night. Eric's family was hosting a game night for everyone who was in town for the wedding, so we eventually made our way to that to play a couple games of Catch Phrase. It was definitely the most people that I've ever played a game like that with. There were probably 26 or so of us playing? After about an hour or so, we drove home to get some sleep.
Saturday morning we all woke up early early early. We had to take 2 second showers (leaving our hair dirty of course, to be done), and get on the road to head to the salon. I volunteered to drive so that my car would be in town for me to leave Sunday morning (the wedding was an hour south of Stacy's hometown/house). Stacy and her mom wanted to ride with me, and since we were running a bit late, Stacy told me that I had to speed or she was going to drive (my car). So I pretty much flew on the back roads (she lives in the middle of nowhere). On our way approaching town, the worst thing imaginable happened; I got pulled over. :-( The state trooper walked up to my car and asked why I was speeding. I didn't want to give him a long drawn out story, so I just told him that we were on our way to the bride's hair appointment and were running a little late. He was not impressed or sympathetic towards my answer. Instead he asked why my ID was IL and my plates were MI. So I told him I recently moved (which isn't a lie.... good thing he didn't ask HOW recently). He asked if the other two cars pulled over 50 yards from us were with us. I said yes, so he said he'd mark me for 70 in a 55 instead of 72, which would save me $50. He took my ID back and it took him FOREVER to walk back up. He said "Try to have a better day" as he handed my ID back and walked away. Classy. We then proceeded to drive to the salon, of course not going a mark over the speed limit this time.
We all got our hair done; the ironic thing was that Caitlin, the girl with the shortest hair took longer than the BRIDE!!!!! My hair also took forever, because the lady underestimated the thickness of my hair. I have a lot. So it took probably close to an hour to curl all of it. It was hilarious when Lauretta (Stacy's mom) was getting her hair done. We were all telling her how pretty she was (she's gorgeous). And all of a sudden on the radio, "Stacy's Mom Has Got It Going On" came on. We all busted up laughing and belted it out to her. It was fun :-) I was mad though, because I left my makeup at church the night before to do touch-ups for the wedding, and never even thought "hey, I need it to put on the first application before the touch-ups". Dingbat. Luckily one of the personal attendants of Stacy ran in to town to the church to get it and brought it back. I applied my makeup on the way back to the church.
We arrived at the church shortly after 11 and began to get dressed. We were running late, once again, but had them take the guys' pictures instead of ours first so that everything would still be on time. As time drew nearer, I really thought Stacy was going to throw up. She sat in the chair saying how nauseous she was, with her dress on. I didn't know what to do but encourage her to take deep breaths. Then it was time.....
The singers they had were INCREDIBLE. Sounded very very much like Josh Groban singing The Prayer. I was blown away. It made everyone a little misty eyed. And then the moment... the bride entered the room. The wedding party had their eyes plastered on Eric, because we had a bet whether he'd cry or not. Actually it wasn't a bet, because everyone said he would. But there he was, smiling the most genuine, biggest smile I've ever seen on him as his face turned beet red, with tears STREAMING down his face, holding back sobs. It was the most beautiful moment between two people that I have ever witnessed. My eyes filled with tears, as I turned to look at Stacy. Her eyes started to turn bloodshot, and she looked away from Eric so that she wouldn't start bawling. The ceremony went on, and I continued to have tear-filled eyes all throughout the ceremony. Of course again when Eric surprised Stacy by singing "I Will Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman. She had no idea he was going to sing (the rest of us did), and he has such a beautiful voice. During the rehearsal the day before, the pastor kept forgetting the "you may now kiss the bride" part, so Eric was nervous he'd forget it at the wedding, but he remembered :-)
After the ceremony & receiving line went through, Luke and I went to the car to drive Eric & Stacy away. It was neat to be able to share the first moments with them, talking, screaming, and honking through town. All of the little details of the day faded away, as the most important thing was accomplished; they were married.
We took more pictures at the church, downtown, and at a garden before heading to the reception. Each of us couples walked in to a different song, as the DJ read a little "about us" thing that Eric & Stacy wrote (comical, of course). Since Luke plays football and our song was "Walk It Out", we sprinted in to the room carrying a football and huddled. We 'broke' then he hiked me the football. He took off running through the crowd and I fake dodged people running at me. A few seconds later, I threw him the football and ran to him. We jumped up and slapped backs, then spiked the football to do our touchdown dance, which was of course the "Walk It Out" dance. It was awesome. Everyone absolutely loved it, and were clapping and cheering.
The dinner was sooooooo good. Luke's speech was better than mine; obviously. He deals with media and gives inspirational speeches to like high schoolers and stuff all the time. So mine was lame compared to his, but it flowed pretty well and I had the crowd laughing a few times.
After dinner, Luke and I read the quiz to the crowd to see who knew Eric & Stacy best. One of the questions was actually "Who of the two has more speeding tickets?". The answer was they had the same amount, but Luke heard about my ticket and said that he thought it should count towards Stacy- and he told the crowd my story. They were all "awwwwwww"ing, as I sat there pouting haha. After the quiz was done, Luke went down to his parents table and they were talking. Then they called Eric over. Eric got really excited and ran to his friend in the back of the room and grabbed his top hat, and came running to the stage. He grabbed the microphone and made an announcement; Eric and Stacy felt HORRIBLE about me getting a ticket, and said that some of the guests wanted to donate some money to put towards my ticket, and asked everyone if they'd be willing to put in a dollar or two to see if we could get it paid off. And one of the groomsmen, who is quite possibly the most hilarous guy ever, took it around from table to table trying to get people to donate. When all was said and done, we counted up $100 even!!!! My ticket is $160, but that was suuuuuuuuuuuch a huge blessing to have that much of it paid for. I got teary eyed when Eric made the announcement. That was so wonderful of them to do. One little kid brought me a sack of candy (it was like a little 2x3 inch bag that people could go to the candy table and fill their party favor bag with). His mom said that he was made that he didn't have his allowance there, but wanted to give me something, because he felt so terrible for me. He was 3 years old, tops. It was adorable!!!!!
Then came the dancing..... which pretty much took up our whole night. Us bridesmaids were on the dance floor probably 3/4 of the night. It was awesome. A good portion (probably a little more than half) of the guests were college aged, so they had a TON of people on the dance floor the entire night. Even some of the older couples were out there a lot too. It was just absolutely the best wedding reception I've ever been too. Everything flowed well and everyone had such an incredible time.
I decided to make the almost 5 hour trip back after the wedding, since I didn't want to pay for a hotel, now that I have a ticket to pay off. I struggled the last hour and a half but made it back around 4 am.
Greatest few days I've had in soooooooooooooo long. Or ever. I had so incredibly much fun this weekend. I haven't laughed so much in so long. Thank You, Jesus.... for blessing me so very richly.
Monday, April 6, 2009
what have I been doing?
The last few days I have been incredibly productive; I got everything cleaned that I needed to, bridal shower invitations bought, filled out, and addressed, I got some financial stuff taken care of, I got both of my bridesmaids dresses (though I still have to get Stacy's altered this week so it's ready by the wedding).... I have gotten a lot of sleep too!
Man, I haven't written in a while. Nothing has really happened recently besides wedding planning stuff. It's very stressful to be Maid of Honor in 2 weddings this summer. I know that the bridal showers & bachelorette stuff is sitting on my shoulders. I hate that none of the bridesmaids really know each other too well in either wedding too; I know I'll be the one paying for decorations, food, etc for both of them. But luckily I probably won't be Maid of Honor in anymore weddings. Bridesmaids, yes. But not MOH. It really truly was wonderful seeing Stacy last weekend though and getting to plan some stuff/getting filled in on all of the wedding events. Gosh, I cannot believe she's getting married in a MONTH!!!!!! I am so freaking stoked for them. They are the most beautiful couple ever. They're going to make gorgeous babies.
I have been to Olivet two of the past 3 weekends. It's been wonderful to see everyone and spend time with them. It's always so stressful though because everyone wants to spend time with me, and I feel like I'm disappointing people by not spending more time with them and less time with the others. Oh well. At least I made an effort to see them at all, right?
I got a phone call a few days ago; Joe is back in the hospital. :-( He was admitted with lower extremity weakness- he hasn't really been able to walk at home. After an MRI & CT scan, they discovered that the tumor has spread down his spinal column (on the inside). The radiation oncologists are very confident that they can get rid of it with 10 treatments, so he started his first one today. Good news is that they don't see tumor in his brain! But I really hope they get rid of this...... I've gone up to see him the past 2 nights, and probably will again tonight. How pathetic is that? Even on my days off I spend every night up there. It's been great visiting with him though, and his friend Bill, who came to spend the week in the hospital with him so Jeanine could get some rest at home (she's the principal of a grade school- Bill is retired). Those two men are hilarious together. I think it's absolutely incredible that they were GRADE SCHOOL friends.... and here they are 60+, still best friends. I adore Bill; he too is a wonderful Christian man who I've had quite a few wonderful discussions with recently.
I bought a few movies this week; Slumdog Millionaire, Marley & Me, John Q, and We Are Marshall. I bought Slumdog because of all the hype & recognition it's gotten. I wasn't disappointed with it, so to say, but I don't see what the big deal was about. Yeah, it was good, but I probably wouldn't have bought it, had I rented it first. I love love love John Q though, and haven't been able to find it in stores, so I ordered that & Marley online. I'm going to watch Marley & Me, as well as We are Marshall tonight. I'll let you know what I think.
I am spending Easter at one of my patients' house. He and his wife invited me over for Easter dinner (lunch). I work Saturday night so it's going to be hard to stay up all Sunday morning & afternoon at their house, but it'll be nice to see them. It'll be nice to spend the holidays with a family too. I'm a bit intimidated though, because like ALL of their families are going to be there. And I don't know any of them. I would rather spend Easter with a family I was more comfortable with. Joe invited me, and I wanted to say yes badly, but I don't want to go back on my word to Pat. I know they'd be disappointed. Ande also just tried inviting me, which would be INCREDIBLE to spend it with her family; I love her family dearly. Her parents are amazing Christians, and her brothers are hilarious. Ugh, if only their timing had been better........
Man, I haven't written in a while. Nothing has really happened recently besides wedding planning stuff. It's very stressful to be Maid of Honor in 2 weddings this summer. I know that the bridal showers & bachelorette stuff is sitting on my shoulders. I hate that none of the bridesmaids really know each other too well in either wedding too; I know I'll be the one paying for decorations, food, etc for both of them. But luckily I probably won't be Maid of Honor in anymore weddings. Bridesmaids, yes. But not MOH. It really truly was wonderful seeing Stacy last weekend though and getting to plan some stuff/getting filled in on all of the wedding events. Gosh, I cannot believe she's getting married in a MONTH!!!!!! I am so freaking stoked for them. They are the most beautiful couple ever. They're going to make gorgeous babies.
I have been to Olivet two of the past 3 weekends. It's been wonderful to see everyone and spend time with them. It's always so stressful though because everyone wants to spend time with me, and I feel like I'm disappointing people by not spending more time with them and less time with the others. Oh well. At least I made an effort to see them at all, right?
I got a phone call a few days ago; Joe is back in the hospital. :-( He was admitted with lower extremity weakness- he hasn't really been able to walk at home. After an MRI & CT scan, they discovered that the tumor has spread down his spinal column (on the inside). The radiation oncologists are very confident that they can get rid of it with 10 treatments, so he started his first one today. Good news is that they don't see tumor in his brain! But I really hope they get rid of this...... I've gone up to see him the past 2 nights, and probably will again tonight. How pathetic is that? Even on my days off I spend every night up there. It's been great visiting with him though, and his friend Bill, who came to spend the week in the hospital with him so Jeanine could get some rest at home (she's the principal of a grade school- Bill is retired). Those two men are hilarious together. I think it's absolutely incredible that they were GRADE SCHOOL friends.... and here they are 60+, still best friends. I adore Bill; he too is a wonderful Christian man who I've had quite a few wonderful discussions with recently.
I bought a few movies this week; Slumdog Millionaire, Marley & Me, John Q, and We Are Marshall. I bought Slumdog because of all the hype & recognition it's gotten. I wasn't disappointed with it, so to say, but I don't see what the big deal was about. Yeah, it was good, but I probably wouldn't have bought it, had I rented it first. I love love love John Q though, and haven't been able to find it in stores, so I ordered that & Marley online. I'm going to watch Marley & Me, as well as We are Marshall tonight. I'll let you know what I think.
I am spending Easter at one of my patients' house. He and his wife invited me over for Easter dinner (lunch). I work Saturday night so it's going to be hard to stay up all Sunday morning & afternoon at their house, but it'll be nice to see them. It'll be nice to spend the holidays with a family too. I'm a bit intimidated though, because like ALL of their families are going to be there. And I don't know any of them. I would rather spend Easter with a family I was more comfortable with. Joe invited me, and I wanted to say yes badly, but I don't want to go back on my word to Pat. I know they'd be disappointed. Ande also just tried inviting me, which would be INCREDIBLE to spend it with her family; I love her family dearly. Her parents are amazing Christians, and her brothers are hilarious. Ugh, if only their timing had been better........
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
humbled beyond words
I don't know what else to put in the title..... but I was blown away by the gift that God has given me this week. Last weekend was my first time 'rapid responding' a patient. That means that you call in a team of respiratory therapists to trouble shoot when a patient isn't breathing/breathing well. I was scared; one of my patients has a tumor in her throat, and she's been getting radiation. The tumor is sloughing off (diminishing) from radiation. As a result, she has all this gunk in her throat and can't clear it out. I was scared, as I didn't know what to do. It was really a situation we all felt helpless in. We ended up intubating her and I took her up to ICU. I was worried about her all weekend, wondering if/how she was going to recover from all of this.
Well when I got back to work the other night, I saw her name on the patient census. And I saw that I had her that night (meaning she was sent back from ICU and was stable). After researching my patients, I knocked on her door and peeked my head in. She got tears in her eyes, and just started BEAMING thanking me for all that I did for her. She grabbed my hand and would not let go. It was one of the most incredible moments of my life. I helped save her. If I would have just let her go on struggling to clear this gunk from her throat, she might not have/probably wouldn't have made it. I felt so rewarded. A confirmation that I do make a difference in this world. In a huge way. And I've never been so proud/humbled in my life. We ended up having a talk late that night about life. And about how wonderful care we took of her; it made her wish that she would've taken a little more time to care for the others she served when she was working. It's incredible to me that I would ever have that impact on someone; making them want to be a better person. Wow. Humbled isn't even the word.
On a completely different note, I watched The Real World tonight and admittedly started balling at the end of it. Those who watched know what I'm talking about. I was SOBBING, like I know him and what he's going through. But I have absolutely no clue..... and I cannot imagine being in that situation as Ryan, his family, his friends, or his girlfriend.
The other EXCITING news that I got is that my friend, Ande, is going to be my pseudo-roommate. She has clinicals here at my hospital next semester, so she's going to come spend every Thursday night/Friday afternoon at my apartment!!!! There are a few weeks where she has clinicals Thursday & Friday, so she'll be here Wednesday-Friday. That blesses my soul so much. I cannot even tell you how happy that will make me. :-D I am soooooo excited! It'll be wonderful to be able to chat with her face to face once a week, pray together like we used to....... thank you Jesus, for an incredible last couple of days.
Well when I got back to work the other night, I saw her name on the patient census. And I saw that I had her that night (meaning she was sent back from ICU and was stable). After researching my patients, I knocked on her door and peeked my head in. She got tears in her eyes, and just started BEAMING thanking me for all that I did for her. She grabbed my hand and would not let go. It was one of the most incredible moments of my life. I helped save her. If I would have just let her go on struggling to clear this gunk from her throat, she might not have/probably wouldn't have made it. I felt so rewarded. A confirmation that I do make a difference in this world. In a huge way. And I've never been so proud/humbled in my life. We ended up having a talk late that night about life. And about how wonderful care we took of her; it made her wish that she would've taken a little more time to care for the others she served when she was working. It's incredible to me that I would ever have that impact on someone; making them want to be a better person. Wow. Humbled isn't even the word.
On a completely different note, I watched The Real World tonight and admittedly started balling at the end of it. Those who watched know what I'm talking about. I was SOBBING, like I know him and what he's going through. But I have absolutely no clue..... and I cannot imagine being in that situation as Ryan, his family, his friends, or his girlfriend.
The other EXCITING news that I got is that my friend, Ande, is going to be my pseudo-roommate. She has clinicals here at my hospital next semester, so she's going to come spend every Thursday night/Friday afternoon at my apartment!!!! There are a few weeks where she has clinicals Thursday & Friday, so she'll be here Wednesday-Friday. That blesses my soul so much. I cannot even tell you how happy that will make me. :-D I am soooooo excited! It'll be wonderful to be able to chat with her face to face once a week, pray together like we used to....... thank you Jesus, for an incredible last couple of days.
Monday, March 16, 2009
good weekend
I debated whether or not I would really go up to school this weekend. I had planned on going up to school to see everyone a few weeks ago, when I made my schedule after I decided not to go skiing. So I was pumped that I'd have a whole weekend with Tea Timers. Little did I know that this is their spring break. So I asked who'd still be around, and there were like 3 of them that said they would be. I went back and forth between wanting to go and not wanting to go. Then Thursday night when I coded my first patient, I was exhausted (emotionally) and physically after working 3 12's in a row. I just kind of wanted to be alone and relax all weekend. But I forced myself to stay true to my word, so I decided after sleeping Friday morning that I'd still go.
The first night I met Josh, Manny and Melissa at Manny's. We watched a movie, and one of the other tea timers who I haven't gotten to know at all, Jeremy, came. He was always really quiet at Tea Time, and usually I was too during discussion because I was absorbing every word of wisdom that everyone else had to say. But it turns out that he's hilarious. We were cracking jokes all night during the movie we watched. I stayed at Melissa's, since Aaron and Alysha were gone.
That night I slept horribly. I think it was a combination of a) not being used to sleeping at night, b) still thinking about what happened the night before at work, c) the room was a little stuffy, compared to how I normally sleep, and d) the unfamiliar noises. I'm generally a very light sleeper anyway, so none of this is new to me, sleeping somewhere unfamiliar. I fell asleep at like 9 am until 10:40 when we got up (I slept randomly off and on). It didn't help that the air mattress had a slow leak so my butt was on the hard wood floor. Haha.
That day was pretty low key though. The four of us were at Manny's just watching TV and a couple of movies (they didn't like Lars, which was disappointing to me :-( ). Jeremy and his friend Marcus joined for another movie before we went bowling. I lost interest on and off during the movie, I think just because I was tired. When it was over, Brooke and her boyfriend showed up, and we went to Applebee's for dinner. Justin and Teresa met us there. Dinner was awesome. I was kind of nervous about it, just having such a big group and who would I sit by? People I didn't know or people I knew really well. It turned out being a ton of fun. I sat by Justin and Melissa. And we all know that when Justin and I get together it is a guaranteed hilarious time. After dinner we went bowling, which I've been looking forward to for like a week now, since I first suggested it. Everyone had a lot of fun. It's always hilarious watching the Kenyans do anything American. haha. ohhh man.
Saturday night I slept quite a while. haha. We went to bed probably close to 2, I'd say. I planned on getting up at 8:45 so I could drive up to Justin's church. I think because of my lack of sleep the night before, I slept in. I did set my alarm and when it went off I debated whether or not to get up. Melissa got up, so I decided to let her shower first. Then I just fell back asleep. She woke me up before she left to go to her sister's church up north (we weren't planning on going to the same one, so she could stay and visit with her sister, and I could leave and come back to springfield). I said goodbye to her, in my half sleep, and I just passed back out. I slept Sunday until 3 pm!!! Haha. I needed that. it put me back on my sleep schedule, almost. And I got a lot of sleep. I could have slept even longer but I made myself get up so I could come back and get some stuff done.
I'm really glad I went this weekend. It was soooooo good to spend time with Melissa and catch up. Gosh, she's so wonderful. And the Kenyans. I adore them :-) Probably just because their reactions to things are hilarious. Manny's so goofy. And I met a couple of people, so that was good too. :-)
Brooke, Melissa, and me. Oh man, we have so much fun together.
Justin with the Kenyans, Josh (back) and Manny
Marcus and Jeremy. These two are hilarious. I wish the spotlight would have been more on Marcus that night because he seriously will have you in stitches.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
thinking
I think a huge part of my recent blood pressure issue has been work. I never really had high blood pressure until I started working on the unit. A lot of the other girls have told me the same thing. It just stresses you out.
I've been thinking about work a lot lately; especially since one of my patients passed away. I didn't have a relationship with him like Joe and I do, but I really, really respected and enjoyed conversations with this man. I was always so happy to see him (I feel awful saying that, because I know it means he was sick to be in the hospital). He was just a very pleasant person, always wearing a smile (despite all of the treatments he had been through), and conversations flowed so easily with him. He's the one who made me want to get a cat, which I still kind of want to get. I was very shocked when I got back to work (after being sick) and hearing that he passed away. Yes he was ill for a long time but I guess when someone doesn't really like as sick as they are, it doesn't hit you that they're very vulnerable. I was very sad to get the news, and I've been wrestling with it for about a week now. I wish I could have seen him one more time. Had one more conversation with him.
And with that news, I've been thinking about Joe and how incredibly hard I am going to take it when he passes on. I think that's a tough thing about being a nurse working with the same patients; for the most part we see the same people over and over as they return to receive more chemo, or heal from the side effects. I put myself in this position; to get attached to people. I have always had a difficult time saying goodbye to people, whether it was knowing I wouldn't see someone for a month, for the school year, for a year..... what made me think that deaths would be any different?
My heart is being ripped out over and over. Even last night, I found out that a patient I had the previous night had passed away; and I mean suddenly. He started to go bad around 6 am, before I left that morning. And when I returned at night, they said he passed away shortly after 9. In three hours..... three hours, life was stripped from him, or more so his family members. I think that's part of the reason that my job has suddenly become so stressful. I've met so many of our frequent patients and have gotten to know them and their families, that it's getting harder and harder to watch them suffer. And though sometimes I don't want to go to work, I really love my job. I couldn't imagine working in any other field, than with oncology patients.
So here I am praying that I can continually lay myself on the line.... that I can lay my heart out there on my sleeve, instead of shutting people out. That I won't think about how I'm going to feel when all is said and done, but that instead, I would seize every opportunity that I have to get to know people and serve them while I am here. That I would be different from the other nurses, and that my patients would see that difference in me. It is the most tremendous feeling when you're telling a patient that you're getting off shift but will be back the next night, and hearing them say how much they hope you're their nurse again that night. There are very few things you could say to me that would mean more than that.
Just a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating in my head.......
I've been thinking about work a lot lately; especially since one of my patients passed away. I didn't have a relationship with him like Joe and I do, but I really, really respected and enjoyed conversations with this man. I was always so happy to see him (I feel awful saying that, because I know it means he was sick to be in the hospital). He was just a very pleasant person, always wearing a smile (despite all of the treatments he had been through), and conversations flowed so easily with him. He's the one who made me want to get a cat, which I still kind of want to get. I was very shocked when I got back to work (after being sick) and hearing that he passed away. Yes he was ill for a long time but I guess when someone doesn't really like as sick as they are, it doesn't hit you that they're very vulnerable. I was very sad to get the news, and I've been wrestling with it for about a week now. I wish I could have seen him one more time. Had one more conversation with him.
And with that news, I've been thinking about Joe and how incredibly hard I am going to take it when he passes on. I think that's a tough thing about being a nurse working with the same patients; for the most part we see the same people over and over as they return to receive more chemo, or heal from the side effects. I put myself in this position; to get attached to people. I have always had a difficult time saying goodbye to people, whether it was knowing I wouldn't see someone for a month, for the school year, for a year..... what made me think that deaths would be any different?
My heart is being ripped out over and over. Even last night, I found out that a patient I had the previous night had passed away; and I mean suddenly. He started to go bad around 6 am, before I left that morning. And when I returned at night, they said he passed away shortly after 9. In three hours..... three hours, life was stripped from him, or more so his family members. I think that's part of the reason that my job has suddenly become so stressful. I've met so many of our frequent patients and have gotten to know them and their families, that it's getting harder and harder to watch them suffer. And though sometimes I don't want to go to work, I really love my job. I couldn't imagine working in any other field, than with oncology patients.
So here I am praying that I can continually lay myself on the line.... that I can lay my heart out there on my sleeve, instead of shutting people out. That I won't think about how I'm going to feel when all is said and done, but that instead, I would seize every opportunity that I have to get to know people and serve them while I am here. That I would be different from the other nurses, and that my patients would see that difference in me. It is the most tremendous feeling when you're telling a patient that you're getting off shift but will be back the next night, and hearing them say how much they hope you're their nurse again that night. There are very few things you could say to me that would mean more than that.
Just a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating in my head.......
Monday, March 2, 2009
loving it
This weekend I drove home to see my friends and mom. It was pleasant to have everyone notice that I've lost weight (I guess I don't fully recognize it since I see myself in the mirror every day). After hearing their reaction, I decided to weigh myself. I weigh what I did my freshman year of college! I haven't weighed this in 4 years...... so I'm pretty happy.
I think the best reaction was my brother's, when I saw him on my way back to school. He FUH-REAKED. It's amazing because I was getting depressed about how much weight I had gained, and I have no motivation to do anything before or after work. And on days off I sleep the day away until the gym is probably closed. It must merely be from running around on the floor. Since my last doctor's appointment, which was probably a year and a half ago, I have lost 30 pounds. I also owe a shout out to Lean Cuisine. I usually eat one of those for dinner at work, with a yogurt and nutty bars. Haha, good combination, I know.
I miss the Tea Timers. It was so good to see some of them last night.
Haha this picture kills me..... actually I think it's the conversation that went with it. :-)
Me and Manny. He's so handsome in this shirt. Gosh I miss my Kenyans.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
the sickness of Satan and light of God
This sickness has been drawn out for farrrrrr too long, and I'd appreciate if it would go back to hell. I went to the doctor... I don't even remember what day it was now; she called me back in to go over my labs. Aparently I'm going hypothyroid (thanks mom and dad for the horrible gift). And my blood pressure was in the 160s/110!!!! (Which is badddd). That is what's causing my headaches, most likely. So I have begun taking BP meds. The thing that steams me is that she didn't do anything to figure out WHY my blood pressure is that high. You can treat it, but isn't it smart to figure out the source, so you can take care of that? That's my thinking anyway. So here I've been, laying on the couch for over a week now. I've missed four days of work (which I feel horribly guilty about, but there's not really much I can do about it).
I am terrified that I won't be able to go home next weekend, which I have been looking forward to for so long now. I just want to see my friends and my momma. But there's no way I am making a 5 & 1/2 hour drive to see them feeling like this. It'll compromise myself and everyone else on the road, with my dizziness, which I'm not up for.
Anyway, after I got home from the doctor, I texted a couple of my friends to please be praying, and that I didn't know what was going on (they had been praying for me all week before I went to the doctor). I also called my boss, who was surprised that they weren't admitting me to the hospital. My friends started to freak (it's high enough that I could stroke or pass out). And being previous/current nursing majors, they knew it was pretty serious. Christina called me, and I was balling my head hurt so bad, but I was trying to disguise it (I knew she knew that I was crying, but not to the full extent of fighting back sobs). So what does she do? Jumps in her jeep and says she's on her way.... she made a 2 & 1/2 hour trip to see me, not stopping by her apartment to get stuff to stay the night, though she knew she was going to, just because that would have delayed her from getting here. Meanwhile, I finally was so exhausted that I passed out (which I hadn't been sleeping because the headache has kept me awake at all hours). And poor Ande was at clinical when she got my text. She was already having a horrible day (I later found out), and here she is torn whether to just leave clinical and book it to my apartment or wait until clinical was over, hours later.
When Christina got here, she just came and laid beside me in bed, holding my hand and stroking my head. Thankfully, Ande decided not to come until the next day, when Christina was going to leave (I didn't need both of them at the same time). Christina was so wonderful, getting me medicine, stuff to drink......
Ande came the next morning. Christina decided to spend the day with us, and go back later. So they laid around with me, keeping me company. We watched a couple of movies together. Ande was playing nurse and brought her stethoscope and BP cuff (mine are at work). My BP was still really high, but it had come down a little bit. Gosh, it just blessed my heart that they would come see me. And show so much concern. (Christina ended up staying another night too, while Ande went back home. I bet she wished she would have stopped to grab clothes & stuff before she came then. haha).
God is just so absolutely wonderful. (Aaaaand I'll start crying again momentarily, thinking about it). He gave me the most incredible friends. I met them only a year ago.... they've been so faithful in prayer, in accountability, in compassion. They are the type who would truly do ANYTHING for those that they loved. They've demonstrated that to me time and time again. I absolutely don't feel like I deserve them.
I miss those girls so much. Their time here made me miss the times we've spent together. I miss being at school and being able to see them every day. To hug them. To hold their hands. To cuddle while watching movies. To laugh our faces off. To cry together. To pray for each other. To challenge one another. To just walk over and see them between classes, because I could. I took so much of that for granted while at school (of course until the last week, when it set in that we were graduating, and we never left Christina's apartment unless absolutely necessary). They're two of the best people that I have ever, EVER met.
God is sooooo good. And I am so incredibly grateful that even through this horrible week, His power and goodness still outshines the darkness.
I am terrified that I won't be able to go home next weekend, which I have been looking forward to for so long now. I just want to see my friends and my momma. But there's no way I am making a 5 & 1/2 hour drive to see them feeling like this. It'll compromise myself and everyone else on the road, with my dizziness, which I'm not up for.
Anyway, after I got home from the doctor, I texted a couple of my friends to please be praying, and that I didn't know what was going on (they had been praying for me all week before I went to the doctor). I also called my boss, who was surprised that they weren't admitting me to the hospital. My friends started to freak (it's high enough that I could stroke or pass out). And being previous/current nursing majors, they knew it was pretty serious. Christina called me, and I was balling my head hurt so bad, but I was trying to disguise it (I knew she knew that I was crying, but not to the full extent of fighting back sobs). So what does she do? Jumps in her jeep and says she's on her way.... she made a 2 & 1/2 hour trip to see me, not stopping by her apartment to get stuff to stay the night, though she knew she was going to, just because that would have delayed her from getting here. Meanwhile, I finally was so exhausted that I passed out (which I hadn't been sleeping because the headache has kept me awake at all hours). And poor Ande was at clinical when she got my text. She was already having a horrible day (I later found out), and here she is torn whether to just leave clinical and book it to my apartment or wait until clinical was over, hours later.
When Christina got here, she just came and laid beside me in bed, holding my hand and stroking my head. Thankfully, Ande decided not to come until the next day, when Christina was going to leave (I didn't need both of them at the same time). Christina was so wonderful, getting me medicine, stuff to drink......
Ande came the next morning. Christina decided to spend the day with us, and go back later. So they laid around with me, keeping me company. We watched a couple of movies together. Ande was playing nurse and brought her stethoscope and BP cuff (mine are at work). My BP was still really high, but it had come down a little bit. Gosh, it just blessed my heart that they would come see me. And show so much concern. (Christina ended up staying another night too, while Ande went back home. I bet she wished she would have stopped to grab clothes & stuff before she came then. haha).
God is just so absolutely wonderful. (Aaaaand I'll start crying again momentarily, thinking about it). He gave me the most incredible friends. I met them only a year ago.... they've been so faithful in prayer, in accountability, in compassion. They are the type who would truly do ANYTHING for those that they loved. They've demonstrated that to me time and time again. I absolutely don't feel like I deserve them.
I miss those girls so much. Their time here made me miss the times we've spent together. I miss being at school and being able to see them every day. To hug them. To hold their hands. To cuddle while watching movies. To laugh our faces off. To cry together. To pray for each other. To challenge one another. To just walk over and see them between classes, because I could. I took so much of that for granted while at school (of course until the last week, when it set in that we were graduating, and we never left Christina's apartment unless absolutely necessary). They're two of the best people that I have ever, EVER met.
God is sooooo good. And I am so incredibly grateful that even through this horrible week, His power and goodness still outshines the darkness.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I laughed
Today is the first day I've laughed in days...... I have felt horrible lately. It started... I don't remember what day it was. One of my days off last weekend, I think it was Friday, I got sick. I woke up and I felt HORRIBLY dizzy. It reminded me of last year, around this time, when I got sick. It was the same exact thing. I was dizzy, only it lasted for weeks. Because I was dumb enough to let it go that long. Long story short, it ended up being a horrible sinus infection. So I figured this is exactly what it was this time. But I didn't feel like going to the doctor, because I didn't want to waste my day off in the office waiting. So I slept it off. And the next day did the same. The next day I called in to work sick, which I felt awful doing, because I know they're short on nights, but there's no way I could have gone to work. I finally got in to the doctor the next day, I think it was. And she gave me meds for a sinus infection (which have started to help. A post-nasal drip is a good sign :-)). But she was also really concerned about my blood pressure. My dad and oldest brother both have hypertension and have been on meds for a long time. I think I'll probably have to go on meds; the doctor thinks it has something to do with my dizziness. She asked my permission to do a blood work up and urine study (to see if everything's functioning like it should be; sometimes if the kidneys don't get enough blood supply, they don't get rid of what they're supposed to do). Ick. I did not want to have to be on medication. It's not the end of the world though, I suppose.
So I've laid around feeling awful for almost a week now. I have only been out to go to the doctor, and get my prescription filled. So really I've been inside for 5 days now. It's getting lonely, and boring. I have had to lay down because sitting up has made my head hurt.
The other day, Joe freaked out when he heard I was sick and wanted me to call him when I left the doctor's office. "Well, you don't have to I guess. I shouldn't be nosey." Haha I called him but he was napping, so I said I'd just email him. So I did. And I didn't hear back from him that night. I figured he just didn't check it until the morning. So he calls me, and he's like, "Well do you think you're going to work tomorrow (Wednesday night)?" And I said I didn't think so, not if my boss could find someone to cover me another night. And I asked why. "Well I was going to take the girls donuts in the morning. But if you're not going to be there, I'm not taking anything in." And I told him that he still should, that they'd love to see him. "No, I'm only going if you're there. I'm not in the mood for everyone else." haha. Gosh I love him. I feel honored that he specifically wanted to come see me.
Anyway, I called him again tonight to let him know that Beth found someone to cover me, and that I wouldn't be there in the morning. I talked to his wife because he was napping. We talked for a little bit, and then she said she'd have him call me, if I was going to be up (they're always so worried to wake me). I told her I'd love to hear from him- always. So I was laying down, ready to pass out, when my phone rang. "Is this Autumn?" (he screams into the phone like I am deaf, and I knew it was him). "Yes it is." "Hi, this is doctor Schmidt, I'm filling in for your regular doctor. She wanted me to let you know that you got her sick, and she's pretty upset about it, quite frankly." Oh gosh, I laughed so hard. He continued on, though I could hear him pausing to chuckle. I love his sense of humor.
I don't know why I just wrote about all of this. I thought it was hysterical. And it's the first time I laughed in days. I'm so blessed. It's hard to feel blessed and be positive when you're feeling so ill. And it was definitely a reminder that God is faithful. Through all things. And I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful, wonderful friend, who loves me so much and cares so much about me (he's been calling me every day to see how I've felt, like I try to do with him). It's so rewarding.
I do feel better. Not back to myself, but I can sit up in a chair now without feeling the urge to vomit. So that's good. Thankfully two of the LPNs covered me tonight so I could spend one more night recovering. I return to work tonight (Thursday).... which I'm nervous about. A 12 hour shift seems overbearing right now. But I know that God will see me through it. And I will survive til morning. (I have to... I don't have any more sick days accumulated. haha).
I just cannot wait to go home next week...... my heart longs for it so badly. One week from today til I get to hold them...........
So I've laid around feeling awful for almost a week now. I have only been out to go to the doctor, and get my prescription filled. So really I've been inside for 5 days now. It's getting lonely, and boring. I have had to lay down because sitting up has made my head hurt.
The other day, Joe freaked out when he heard I was sick and wanted me to call him when I left the doctor's office. "Well, you don't have to I guess. I shouldn't be nosey." Haha I called him but he was napping, so I said I'd just email him. So I did. And I didn't hear back from him that night. I figured he just didn't check it until the morning. So he calls me, and he's like, "Well do you think you're going to work tomorrow (Wednesday night)?" And I said I didn't think so, not if my boss could find someone to cover me another night. And I asked why. "Well I was going to take the girls donuts in the morning. But if you're not going to be there, I'm not taking anything in." And I told him that he still should, that they'd love to see him. "No, I'm only going if you're there. I'm not in the mood for everyone else." haha. Gosh I love him. I feel honored that he specifically wanted to come see me.
Anyway, I called him again tonight to let him know that Beth found someone to cover me, and that I wouldn't be there in the morning. I talked to his wife because he was napping. We talked for a little bit, and then she said she'd have him call me, if I was going to be up (they're always so worried to wake me). I told her I'd love to hear from him- always. So I was laying down, ready to pass out, when my phone rang. "Is this Autumn?" (he screams into the phone like I am deaf, and I knew it was him). "Yes it is." "Hi, this is doctor Schmidt, I'm filling in for your regular doctor. She wanted me to let you know that you got her sick, and she's pretty upset about it, quite frankly." Oh gosh, I laughed so hard. He continued on, though I could hear him pausing to chuckle. I love his sense of humor.
I don't know why I just wrote about all of this. I thought it was hysterical. And it's the first time I laughed in days. I'm so blessed. It's hard to feel blessed and be positive when you're feeling so ill. And it was definitely a reminder that God is faithful. Through all things. And I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful, wonderful friend, who loves me so much and cares so much about me (he's been calling me every day to see how I've felt, like I try to do with him). It's so rewarding.
I do feel better. Not back to myself, but I can sit up in a chair now without feeling the urge to vomit. So that's good. Thankfully two of the LPNs covered me tonight so I could spend one more night recovering. I return to work tonight (Thursday).... which I'm nervous about. A 12 hour shift seems overbearing right now. But I know that God will see me through it. And I will survive til morning. (I have to... I don't have any more sick days accumulated. haha).
I just cannot wait to go home next week...... my heart longs for it so badly. One week from today til I get to hold them...........
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Reflecting
I cannot even begin to say how ready I am to get out of here. August cannot come quick enough. I just want my lease to be over so I can bust out of here. Granted, I do like my job. I like the people I work with. I don't have a ton of complaints about work at all. I just have no social life here. And my heart is aching so badly to see my nephew, and watch them grow up. Landunn wanted to call me yesterday morning, so Heidi dialed the number for him. While we were talking, he was like, "Do you want to come play with me?" Without any control over my emotions, my heart was ripped out, and I started sobbing. "Yes, Landunn. I would love to." I managed to get out. More than he will ever know, I want to come play with him. I would give anything to have him jumping on my stomach again, or hiding under the blankets saying "be safe", as we hide from mommy & daddy.
While I'm on the nephew rant, I was thinking today..... how something so awful in my eyes turned out to be one of the greatest gifts ever. I remember getting the phone call 3 years ago today (well yesterday; Valentine's Day) that Heidi was pregnant. I was sooooooo upset with the circumstances. I was speechless. I couldn't even pretend like I was happy for them, because I was let down. But after a few days, I was able to accept that which I could not change. And now..... I realize that it was the best Valentine present ever. I love him so much.
I cannot wait to go home in two weeks. I had planned on going skiing up North in MI with some dear friends of mine. But things weren't really settled. There was still an indefinite aspect to the whole thing. And I didn't want my hopes to be crushed, so instead of being let down, I just decided I would go home that weekend, and go visit those friends another weekend. Not often do I have 4 days off in a row, so I figured I'd use them to my advantage and make the 6 hour drive home. I cannot wait to hug my friends. I hate being so far from them. And I'll actually get to help do wedding stuff with Beth. It's going to be such a wonderful weekend. I'm hoping that I'll get to meet up with Dawn in Jackson as well. I was watching videos we made almost a year ago when she stayed the night, and I was laughing ridiculously. I've been blessed with some pretty incredible people in my life.
I bought a book that I am very excited to read; Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I've read it before, and it's probably in my top 5 (well top 3) books. But I hadn't bought it until now. I went to Barnes last weekend hoping they had it, but they didn't. And I was just randomly browsing through Walmart's shelves (clearly a God thing), and there it was.... the only copy. There wasn't even a place on the shelf that said "Redeeming Love". It was random. And I was so amped to see it! And for only 12 dollars. If I would've bought it at Barnes, it probably would've been like 20. Woo!!!!
I've been obsessing over music from the 80s and 90s. Seriously, I downloaded a ridiculous amount of songs from those eras last night. They make me so happy. They're not degrading women, they aren't talking about anatomical parts, they're just talking about love, and emptiness. They make me happy. I'm pumped for the car ride home because I have a pretty lengthy playlist to keep me company. I'll be the girl you drive by, and she's belting the song out in her car. And you're making fun of her because she's really into it. And I'll be proud of it. So back off.
I so badly want to find the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with....... I know patience is making me stronger and wiser. But I just really long to share my life with someone.....
While I'm on the nephew rant, I was thinking today..... how something so awful in my eyes turned out to be one of the greatest gifts ever. I remember getting the phone call 3 years ago today (well yesterday; Valentine's Day) that Heidi was pregnant. I was sooooooo upset with the circumstances. I was speechless. I couldn't even pretend like I was happy for them, because I was let down. But after a few days, I was able to accept that which I could not change. And now..... I realize that it was the best Valentine present ever. I love him so much.
I cannot wait to go home in two weeks. I had planned on going skiing up North in MI with some dear friends of mine. But things weren't really settled. There was still an indefinite aspect to the whole thing. And I didn't want my hopes to be crushed, so instead of being let down, I just decided I would go home that weekend, and go visit those friends another weekend. Not often do I have 4 days off in a row, so I figured I'd use them to my advantage and make the 6 hour drive home. I cannot wait to hug my friends. I hate being so far from them. And I'll actually get to help do wedding stuff with Beth. It's going to be such a wonderful weekend. I'm hoping that I'll get to meet up with Dawn in Jackson as well. I was watching videos we made almost a year ago when she stayed the night, and I was laughing ridiculously. I've been blessed with some pretty incredible people in my life.
I bought a book that I am very excited to read; Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I've read it before, and it's probably in my top 5 (well top 3) books. But I hadn't bought it until now. I went to Barnes last weekend hoping they had it, but they didn't. And I was just randomly browsing through Walmart's shelves (clearly a God thing), and there it was.... the only copy. There wasn't even a place on the shelf that said "Redeeming Love". It was random. And I was so amped to see it! And for only 12 dollars. If I would've bought it at Barnes, it probably would've been like 20. Woo!!!!
I've been obsessing over music from the 80s and 90s. Seriously, I downloaded a ridiculous amount of songs from those eras last night. They make me so happy. They're not degrading women, they aren't talking about anatomical parts, they're just talking about love, and emptiness. They make me happy. I'm pumped for the car ride home because I have a pretty lengthy playlist to keep me company. I'll be the girl you drive by, and she's belting the song out in her car. And you're making fun of her because she's really into it. And I'll be proud of it. So back off.
I so badly want to find the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with....... I know patience is making me stronger and wiser. But I just really long to share my life with someone.....
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
good night and weird news
Yesterday (well I guess now it's 'technically' the other morning) when I got out of work, I headed up to see Ande. On the way, I stopped by to see Joe, which was wonderful of course. We chatted for quite a while. I stayed a lot longer than I had anticipated.
It was so wonderful to see Ande. We talked for a while, until she had to study/take a quiz online... numb nursing school :-) I helped her study by questioning and explaining things to her. Finally though, I about passed out while she studied quietly. She asked Christina to come down and see us, which I didn't think would happen because it was already after 7. And Christina had class the next morning. It's about a 1 hour and 45 minute trip from Olivet. But by golly, she made the trip and spent the night with us. It was so awesome to be back with those two. We all slept in Ande's bed, which was a reminder of the last week of school back in May; we all laid the mattresses out in christina's apartment on the floor and slept curled up next to each other (only there was sometimes like 7 or 8 of us laying together). I miss those days so much.
While I was getting ready to go to sleep, my mom sent me a text. Our old neighbor was found dead in her house! She was shot in the head 5 times. I am absolutely blown away!!!! Stuff like that 'doesn't happen', ya know? Not to people you know. It breaks my heart, because she has a son who's in 4th grade.
Other than that, nothing is new. I've been working a lot. I work the next 2 & 1/2 days (I am working bonus tomorrow just for 4 hours... and hopefully they don't beg me to work the whole night since I'm already there, because I don't want to really). However the money is beneficial. I have 2 friends getting married, so I have to throw a bridal shower for each, which is usually costly. I just hope the other bridesmaids help me in buying stuff; decorations, the food, plates & stuff. I don't want to be the sugar mama.
Valentine's Day makes me hopeful for the future. I so badly want to find who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.....
It was so wonderful to see Ande. We talked for a while, until she had to study/take a quiz online... numb nursing school :-) I helped her study by questioning and explaining things to her. Finally though, I about passed out while she studied quietly. She asked Christina to come down and see us, which I didn't think would happen because it was already after 7. And Christina had class the next morning. It's about a 1 hour and 45 minute trip from Olivet. But by golly, she made the trip and spent the night with us. It was so awesome to be back with those two. We all slept in Ande's bed, which was a reminder of the last week of school back in May; we all laid the mattresses out in christina's apartment on the floor and slept curled up next to each other (only there was sometimes like 7 or 8 of us laying together). I miss those days so much.
While I was getting ready to go to sleep, my mom sent me a text. Our old neighbor was found dead in her house! She was shot in the head 5 times. I am absolutely blown away!!!! Stuff like that 'doesn't happen', ya know? Not to people you know. It breaks my heart, because she has a son who's in 4th grade.
Other than that, nothing is new. I've been working a lot. I work the next 2 & 1/2 days (I am working bonus tomorrow just for 4 hours... and hopefully they don't beg me to work the whole night since I'm already there, because I don't want to really). However the money is beneficial. I have 2 friends getting married, so I have to throw a bridal shower for each, which is usually costly. I just hope the other bridesmaids help me in buying stuff; decorations, the food, plates & stuff. I don't want to be the sugar mama.
Valentine's Day makes me hopeful for the future. I so badly want to find who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.....
Friday, February 6, 2009
HILARIOUS! ok, maybe only if you heard it
The other day, I was talking to Joe on the phone. I had just crawled into bed, and I may have been a little slap happy, when my phone rang. I knew it was him because he's the only person that calls me in the mornings. He was explaining everything that he had said in his email, about what the tests had found (because he's getting radiation to his brain, his memory is fading. His short term memory is being affected; he could tell you something and 4 seconds later forget that he told you). So I just listened again, as he added more detail than he explained in his email.
He stopped for a second and told me to start praying for myself. I kind of chuckled. "Joe, why would I be praying for myself? I'm praying for YOU and your family!" "No, Jeanine and I are just fine. I just know how much you love me, and I love you too. Have I ever told you that? I can't remember. Anyway, I know how upsetting this all is for you, and I just pray that you will be ok through all of this." "Joe, you don't need to be worrying about me." "OH!!!! What a relief!!! I don't need to worry about Autumn. Cross her off the list, cuz I don't need to worry about her." Meanwhile, I am CRACKING UP!!!! You have to hear his voice, and hear how animated it was when he was saying what a relief it was. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop coughing. This in turn made him start laughing hysterically. When we gained our composures, he said, "you and Jeanine laugh at some of the dumbest things that come from my mouth. I don't understand you two." :-D
He absolutely made my day. And even when I recall that conversation, I start laughing all over again. Laughter is therapeutic. And I know that's why I'm handling this situation as well as I am.....
Anyway, I had last night and tonight off (I was supposed to go to a meeting tonight but I took benadryl at 10 am and slept right on through it until almost 10 pm. It wasn't a mandatory meeting- I was just invited). I've been so bored lately. I hate getting up and going to work. But on my days off, I'm so stinking bored. I bought myself a Disney princess coloring book last night at the store, along with a 64 pack of crayons. :-) That's what I did until the wee hours of the morning yesterday, and I've colored a couple more pictures today. How lame am I?
21 more days until the skiing trip!!!!!!! I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am. Last year it was the best weekend ever. Seriously, there were so many memories created. Hopefully nobody breaks their arm this year (BROOKE!). I'm terrified of skiing, but I think that's what's so exciting about it. I have the potential to crash into trees, kids, buildings.... what a good story that'd make for! Lets hope it doesn't happen though. The whole clan has talking about last year's trip all year! It makes me happy how much we all look forward to that time of fellowship & rejuvination. It drew us closer together last year, and I know it will do the same this year, as we spend 6 hours in the car one way, laughing, singing, and story telling.
..............21 more days.............
He stopped for a second and told me to start praying for myself. I kind of chuckled. "Joe, why would I be praying for myself? I'm praying for YOU and your family!" "No, Jeanine and I are just fine. I just know how much you love me, and I love you too. Have I ever told you that? I can't remember. Anyway, I know how upsetting this all is for you, and I just pray that you will be ok through all of this." "Joe, you don't need to be worrying about me." "OH!!!! What a relief!!! I don't need to worry about Autumn. Cross her off the list, cuz I don't need to worry about her." Meanwhile, I am CRACKING UP!!!! You have to hear his voice, and hear how animated it was when he was saying what a relief it was. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop coughing. This in turn made him start laughing hysterically. When we gained our composures, he said, "you and Jeanine laugh at some of the dumbest things that come from my mouth. I don't understand you two." :-D
He absolutely made my day. And even when I recall that conversation, I start laughing all over again. Laughter is therapeutic. And I know that's why I'm handling this situation as well as I am.....
Anyway, I had last night and tonight off (I was supposed to go to a meeting tonight but I took benadryl at 10 am and slept right on through it until almost 10 pm. It wasn't a mandatory meeting- I was just invited). I've been so bored lately. I hate getting up and going to work. But on my days off, I'm so stinking bored. I bought myself a Disney princess coloring book last night at the store, along with a 64 pack of crayons. :-) That's what I did until the wee hours of the morning yesterday, and I've colored a couple more pictures today. How lame am I?
21 more days until the skiing trip!!!!!!! I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am. Last year it was the best weekend ever. Seriously, there were so many memories created. Hopefully nobody breaks their arm this year (BROOKE!). I'm terrified of skiing, but I think that's what's so exciting about it. I have the potential to crash into trees, kids, buildings.... what a good story that'd make for! Lets hope it doesn't happen though. The whole clan has talking about last year's trip all year! It makes me happy how much we all look forward to that time of fellowship & rejuvination. It drew us closer together last year, and I know it will do the same this year, as we spend 6 hours in the car one way, laughing, singing, and story telling.
..............21 more days.............
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Blessed Be Your Name
I think this song has always been and will always be my favorite worship song, because it encompasses so many of life's moments. The beautiful and the ugly. The happy and the sorrowful. I think it has a lot to do with faith, and the choice that we make. "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." It's about a choice. Though there's pain in the offering, I still choose to believe and trust God.
My heart is indeed heavy tonight.... I was being prepared for this, but it's not something anyone wants to watch happen. Joe's cancer is back full force. They did a CT/PET scan of his body this week to determine the progression of it.... and the results were anything but good. Not only is Joe's brain tumor back, but the cancer has spread down his neck, wrapped around his pancreas, and is filling his lymph nodes (which makes it easier to spread).
Though I am heart broken, I take comfort in knowing that My Father feels the same pain. There's no feeling like being understood. I rejoice, for I know the place that He has prepared for us. But I mourn selfishly for the loss that will take place. I think my biggest concern right now is that I have a tendency to pull away when I know that my heart is going to break. I do it often. When I was in Florida, I spent the last morning there kind of secluded, as if it'd make it easier to say goodbye to my family (the rest of the day I spent with them, but I still had a little pity party to myself). We're always looking for a way to make things easier on ourselves. But I don't want to bail. I want to soak up every second before my heart is ripped out. Because I will never get this time back. I want to make the most of it, for it is so valuable to me.
I sit here, the room dimly lit from a strand of white lights around my window. Hot chocolate by my side. "Blessed Be Your Name" on repeat. Tears streaming down my face. And somehow..... somehow..... I know that things are going to be ok.
My heart is indeed heavy tonight.... I was being prepared for this, but it's not something anyone wants to watch happen. Joe's cancer is back full force. They did a CT/PET scan of his body this week to determine the progression of it.... and the results were anything but good. Not only is Joe's brain tumor back, but the cancer has spread down his neck, wrapped around his pancreas, and is filling his lymph nodes (which makes it easier to spread).
Though I am heart broken, I take comfort in knowing that My Father feels the same pain. There's no feeling like being understood. I rejoice, for I know the place that He has prepared for us. But I mourn selfishly for the loss that will take place. I think my biggest concern right now is that I have a tendency to pull away when I know that my heart is going to break. I do it often. When I was in Florida, I spent the last morning there kind of secluded, as if it'd make it easier to say goodbye to my family (the rest of the day I spent with them, but I still had a little pity party to myself). We're always looking for a way to make things easier on ourselves. But I don't want to bail. I want to soak up every second before my heart is ripped out. Because I will never get this time back. I want to make the most of it, for it is so valuable to me.
I sit here, the room dimly lit from a strand of white lights around my window. Hot chocolate by my side. "Blessed Be Your Name" on repeat. Tears streaming down my face. And somehow..... somehow..... I know that things are going to be ok.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
"Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe."
This week has been cah-razy busy. I worked 3 days, had 1 off, worked 2 more, had today off, work the next two, have one off.... I don't have two days off in a row for another 2 weeks. *sigh* But I am looking forward to my paycheck, that is for sure. It will be pretty fat... especially with the bonus shifts I've been picking up. Hopefully I'll pay extra on my student loans the next couple of months. I so badly want to get those paid down/off. But I'm not going to break my back doing it.
I had been wondering how Joe was doing, down at the hospital. He was supposed to have his stem cell transplant yesterday. Key word: supposed to. I hadn't heard from him for a few days (the 3 days I worked in a row) so I was getting ready to call him, when I opened an email from him. He started off by apologizing and begging me to not let myself get upset over the news he had to tell me. My heart started racing. He had some blurred vision for a couple of weeks, and neglected to mention that to the doctors, for fear of what they'd find. "Now, how dumb is that? Here, my life is on the line, and I'm thinking, if I don't tell her about my eyes, then the problem will go away. Duh! I believe that's what's called denial. Ha! Is it still called denial when I know I'm in denial?" So the doctor did what he thought she would; she drew fluid out from his Ommaya reservoir (a dome shaped device that has a thin tube attached to administer chemo to the brain/spinal cord). They found cancer cells in his cerebral spinal fluid. :-( And your body has to be cancer cell free in order for them to wipe your system of stem cells. So they sent him home. His cancer is back :-( Yes, his tumor was still there after the last round of chemo, but it wasn't growing or spreading so it seemed harmless. It just cracked me up...... here the man is told that his cancer is back, and he's having a harder time telling me than facing the realization himself.
I am sad. But I know that God is in control of the situation. And there's nobody I'd rather have in control than Him. And I praise God for the strong faith that Joe & his wife share. It makes things so much.... I don't know if 'better' is the word, but it's more bareable knowing that there is a purpose behind this. And that they too trust God in the situation. What do non-believers have to cling to? Bitterness? Hate? I'm so thankful that Joe can enjoy the time with his family instead of letting those bitter feelings harbor in his soul. That he can find peace in this. And want others to do the same. What a blessing. Though I am sad, I just praise God for bringing such a wonderful human being into my life to spread the JOY that he does. My cup runneth over.
So what are they going to do? As of right now, radiation, which he starts tomorrow. Please be praying for him. Please. That he can remain strong and get stronger with time. That his family would have strength, so they don't feel defeated.
God is faithful. And I never want to lose sight of that, no matter what crappy things happen. He is still and will always be faithful.
I had been wondering how Joe was doing, down at the hospital. He was supposed to have his stem cell transplant yesterday. Key word: supposed to. I hadn't heard from him for a few days (the 3 days I worked in a row) so I was getting ready to call him, when I opened an email from him. He started off by apologizing and begging me to not let myself get upset over the news he had to tell me. My heart started racing. He had some blurred vision for a couple of weeks, and neglected to mention that to the doctors, for fear of what they'd find. "Now, how dumb is that? Here, my life is on the line, and I'm thinking, if I don't tell her about my eyes, then the problem will go away. Duh! I believe that's what's called denial. Ha! Is it still called denial when I know I'm in denial?" So the doctor did what he thought she would; she drew fluid out from his Ommaya reservoir (a dome shaped device that has a thin tube attached to administer chemo to the brain/spinal cord). They found cancer cells in his cerebral spinal fluid. :-( And your body has to be cancer cell free in order for them to wipe your system of stem cells. So they sent him home. His cancer is back :-( Yes, his tumor was still there after the last round of chemo, but it wasn't growing or spreading so it seemed harmless. It just cracked me up...... here the man is told that his cancer is back, and he's having a harder time telling me than facing the realization himself.
I am sad. But I know that God is in control of the situation. And there's nobody I'd rather have in control than Him. And I praise God for the strong faith that Joe & his wife share. It makes things so much.... I don't know if 'better' is the word, but it's more bareable knowing that there is a purpose behind this. And that they too trust God in the situation. What do non-believers have to cling to? Bitterness? Hate? I'm so thankful that Joe can enjoy the time with his family instead of letting those bitter feelings harbor in his soul. That he can find peace in this. And want others to do the same. What a blessing. Though I am sad, I just praise God for bringing such a wonderful human being into my life to spread the JOY that he does. My cup runneth over.
So what are they going to do? As of right now, radiation, which he starts tomorrow. Please be praying for him. Please. That he can remain strong and get stronger with time. That his family would have strength, so they don't feel defeated.
God is faithful. And I never want to lose sight of that, no matter what crappy things happen. He is still and will always be faithful.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
.wonderful weekend.
This weekend was so wonderful (well the last 36 hours... same thing really). When I got out of work yesterday morning, I was going to nap before Christina came; I had discussed going there this weekend, to school, but it's always so tough for me. There are so many people there that I know, that I'm friends with. And I always end up running into people, whether it's in the store, or word of mouth, and I feel obligated to make time for them as well. Really, I just wanted to go see my brother & Alysha, some people from Tea Time, and Christina. But every time I do, I'm so torn because people demand my time, and I feel bad, like I'm hurting peoples' feelings by spending time with someone else. So she decided to come here instead, which was awesome. So after work I just took a shower and waited around for her arrival.
I was staring out the window around the time she said she'd be here (we were texting when she got close). I was waiting for her jeep to pull in. Instead, this white car comes whipping in that looks like another friend of mine (and Christina's roommates). I was like, "Aww that looks like Stacy's car." And what do you know? It pulls in next to mine. Hmmmm... so I bent down to get a better look. Christina was in the passenger seat.... and Stacy was in the driver's seat. STACY CAME TOO!?!?! They called me but I hung up on them as I bolted down the stairs to let them in. Awwwww my girls. :-) It was such a wonderful surprise. So I spent the day with them instead of sleeping. A couple of times I got kind of tired, but we were on the move mostly all day until after dinner. We went to lunch, I showed Stacy the hospital where I work, we went to Walmart (somehow when I'm with either one of them, we always end up there at least once; sometimes more).
Earlier in the day before they arrived, I had emailed Joe and asked him if they had any free time this weekend that I could go see them. I've told Christina so many stories about him, and I knew she wanted to meet him as well, so I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity. He called immediately and told me YES! and emailed me directions. So we drove up to see him after our Walmart expedition.
His wife greeted us at the door (back up, can I just say how nervous/excited I was to see them? My stomach was turning because I was so anxious). I hugged her forever and said how wonderful it was to see her. Joe was nowhere in sight- she said he'd be out shortly. So after we got settled on the couch, I heard a door open and Joe slowly walked down the hall. I could not stop beaming, I'm sure I lit up the whole freaking room as I stood and walked towards him. He was beaming back, with his arms wide open. He kissed me on the lips as I came in to give him a hug. (sometimes when old people try to kiss me, it makes me feel awkward, fyi. Like when great aunts & stuff hold you out away from them until you get the clue that they want your lips. ugh.). We hugged for a long time too. And he was standing!!!!!!!!!! The last time I saw him he was far too weak to stand for that long. He'd walk from his bed to the hall and back, and that whipped him. But here he was, still obviously weak, but so much stronger than the last time. (His wife said they went to Walmart and he walked around next to her, without the cart, for quite some time, so he was probably weaker than any other given day, from the exercise.) He sat down and told stories galore. He has the best stories and sense of humor. The girls were laughing hysterically. It blessed my heart so much. They're such a wonderful family. And it was just so wonderful to see them, and hear them again.
After a couple of hours, my tiredness started to hit me pretty hard. His wife grabbed her camera and said we must take pictures before we left. So they wanted one of the three of us girls first. Then she wanted one of me and Joe. As I stood up to walk towards him, he plastered his lips on my cheek and held them there for the picture. I think I was blushing, but I sure was smiling. Then we took a normal one hugging, and another one with his wife. Oh goodness. I cannot wait to see them (they're supposed to email them to me). They hugged & kissed me again before I left. I could have stayed there forever, but I didn't want the girls to get bored or hate their time with me.
The girls and I went to the Outback for dinner last night. I was pretty tiiiiiired by then. I almost fell asleep in our little booth. They were both tired too. So thankfully when we got home, they wanted to go to sleep. Yes, at 8:30. haha. We are pathetic, but it made us all very happy. I slept good and hard until about 6:30 this morning. I was WIDE awake, having 10 hours of sleep in my body. But the girls were still knocked out cold. I got on the computer for a little bit, but then I took some benadryl to go back to sleep. We all woke up again around 11:30.
I loved this weekend. It was so wonderful having something to look forward to, to get me through work Friday night (which was a wonderful, peaceful night, thank God). I wish I had more of those look-forward-to moments in my life. That's kind of depressing. But it's true. I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I really don't. (And if you'd pray about that, I'd greatly appreciate it. I wish God would just put a map in my mailbox with an X marked where I am supposed to be.) I can't call this home. So where do I? Please show me, Father.
I was staring out the window around the time she said she'd be here (we were texting when she got close). I was waiting for her jeep to pull in. Instead, this white car comes whipping in that looks like another friend of mine (and Christina's roommates). I was like, "Aww that looks like Stacy's car." And what do you know? It pulls in next to mine. Hmmmm... so I bent down to get a better look. Christina was in the passenger seat.... and Stacy was in the driver's seat. STACY CAME TOO!?!?! They called me but I hung up on them as I bolted down the stairs to let them in. Awwwww my girls. :-) It was such a wonderful surprise. So I spent the day with them instead of sleeping. A couple of times I got kind of tired, but we were on the move mostly all day until after dinner. We went to lunch, I showed Stacy the hospital where I work, we went to Walmart (somehow when I'm with either one of them, we always end up there at least once; sometimes more).
Earlier in the day before they arrived, I had emailed Joe and asked him if they had any free time this weekend that I could go see them. I've told Christina so many stories about him, and I knew she wanted to meet him as well, so I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity. He called immediately and told me YES! and emailed me directions. So we drove up to see him after our Walmart expedition.
His wife greeted us at the door (back up, can I just say how nervous/excited I was to see them? My stomach was turning because I was so anxious). I hugged her forever and said how wonderful it was to see her. Joe was nowhere in sight- she said he'd be out shortly. So after we got settled on the couch, I heard a door open and Joe slowly walked down the hall. I could not stop beaming, I'm sure I lit up the whole freaking room as I stood and walked towards him. He was beaming back, with his arms wide open. He kissed me on the lips as I came in to give him a hug. (sometimes when old people try to kiss me, it makes me feel awkward, fyi. Like when great aunts & stuff hold you out away from them until you get the clue that they want your lips. ugh.). We hugged for a long time too. And he was standing!!!!!!!!!! The last time I saw him he was far too weak to stand for that long. He'd walk from his bed to the hall and back, and that whipped him. But here he was, still obviously weak, but so much stronger than the last time. (His wife said they went to Walmart and he walked around next to her, without the cart, for quite some time, so he was probably weaker than any other given day, from the exercise.) He sat down and told stories galore. He has the best stories and sense of humor. The girls were laughing hysterically. It blessed my heart so much. They're such a wonderful family. And it was just so wonderful to see them, and hear them again.
After a couple of hours, my tiredness started to hit me pretty hard. His wife grabbed her camera and said we must take pictures before we left. So they wanted one of the three of us girls first. Then she wanted one of me and Joe. As I stood up to walk towards him, he plastered his lips on my cheek and held them there for the picture. I think I was blushing, but I sure was smiling. Then we took a normal one hugging, and another one with his wife. Oh goodness. I cannot wait to see them (they're supposed to email them to me). They hugged & kissed me again before I left. I could have stayed there forever, but I didn't want the girls to get bored or hate their time with me.
The girls and I went to the Outback for dinner last night. I was pretty tiiiiiired by then. I almost fell asleep in our little booth. They were both tired too. So thankfully when we got home, they wanted to go to sleep. Yes, at 8:30. haha. We are pathetic, but it made us all very happy. I slept good and hard until about 6:30 this morning. I was WIDE awake, having 10 hours of sleep in my body. But the girls were still knocked out cold. I got on the computer for a little bit, but then I took some benadryl to go back to sleep. We all woke up again around 11:30.
I loved this weekend. It was so wonderful having something to look forward to, to get me through work Friday night (which was a wonderful, peaceful night, thank God). I wish I had more of those look-forward-to moments in my life. That's kind of depressing. But it's true. I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I really don't. (And if you'd pray about that, I'd greatly appreciate it. I wish God would just put a map in my mailbox with an X marked where I am supposed to be.) I can't call this home. So where do I? Please show me, Father.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I can't stop smiling.
What an incredible day it has been!
I'm sure this is to Danielle, because she is the only one that reads my pathetic stories, but I'm sure you remember my patient, Joe, who I fell in love with a few months back. (If you read like five or six stories down, there's 2 posts on him). He's the one who was getting chemo for his brain tumor, who we didn't think was going to make it. Well, since he left the hospital before Thanksgiving, I haven't heard from them. I have been continuing to pray for them, as I know he's not out of the blue yet. But it's just sad when you make a connection like that with someone (he and his family/friends), and not hear from them in months regarding that critical situation. So, like the stalker that I am (not really.... but kind of), I remembered where his wife worked, so I looked up her email through the schools and shot her an email (and I apologized to her for being such a stalker).
Well I figured knowing her, she'd respond that second with excitement. But the day passed and no email. And another. And another. I was beginning to worry, because I know that's not at all like her personality. She would be calling all of her friends and family telling them that I had written. Especially Joe. And he would surely get ahold of me.
Last night at work, the night started off crappy. All of my patients had something major going on with them, and I was covering an LPN, so I had to take on her 7 patients as well. WHOA. So I'm sitting there feeling all miserable, as I was behind in my work, when one of the secretaries handed me a index card. I thought it was an admission so I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I saw a post it over it, saying "please make sure Autumn gets this." I ripped the post-it off, and it read that Joe had called and wanted to know if I got his email. He wanted me to call him ASAP, and he attached his phone number. I immediately smiled and was very optimistic to get through the night so I could get home and check my email.
So I got home and there was still no email from him. Hmmmm. So I checked my spam folder, thinking maybe it had been filtered into there. And there it was........
I opened it and couldn't stop smiling (he responded the same day I emailed his wife). He told me that his wife called him from work and said, "You're not going to believe this. You need to check your email. You're not going to believe who we got an email from." And his response to her was, "I hope it's Autumn." (I guess they talk about me all the time. Ha, it's mutual then, isn't it?) And she said, "By gol, you're right!" And how EXCITED they were to hear from me. He updated me on his situation; a year ago when he was diagnosed, his bone marrow was full of cancer. He had a bone marrow biopsy and on Christmas Eve got a phone call that there were NO cancer cells in his bone marrow!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! Ugh, how can you stop the tears from flowing when you hear that? He is going through a procedure in a few weeks. He's going to have an autologous stem cell transplant (they are going to take his bone marrow out, he's going to get chemo to kill any bad cells remaining, they will transplant his bone marrow back, and give an additional dose of chemo to kill any cells they missed; when your bone marrow is full of cancer cells, there's no place for blood cells to produce. So by taking his bone marrow out, his body will make new blood cells. And they will check to see if they are producing cancerous cells. If so, that's what the chemo is for). So he's going to have a rough few weeks there, but hopefully that'll be the last step in this process for quite some time!!!
He's emailed me a few times today (I think he's REALLY excited to hear from me :-)), and he sent me his phone number(s) so I called and was able to talk to him tonight! He said that he sat around all day wanting to call me but knew I was sleeping, and didn't know what time I woke up. Haha. Ugh, he's so precious. It was sooooooo good to hear his voice. I think while he's in the hospital those few weeks (down in Missouri), I am going to make a trip down to see him. I know that'd totally catch him offguard and cheer him up! I will go see him at their house probably sometime this weekend or next week before he goes.
In one of his emails today, he told me that he had sent my email to a couple of his friends, and sent their responses. This was his sister's response: "Joe: Thanks for sending Autumn's message-I loved the picture of the two of you b/f you left the hospital. It's great that even when life brings you the biggest challenge of your life that you are blessed to have met such a wonderful, caring person. I think that this just lets you know that even when life is so hard God is watching over us by sending angels to care for us like Autumn. Thanks for sharing her notes."
I cannot stop smiling........ it's so wonderful to know how HUGE of an impact you've made on someone's life, especially in such a devastating circumstance. I absolutely adore this man (and his family). And I'm so thankful.... so very thankful that God answers prayers. Please join me in continuing to pray for he and his family as he recovers :-)
I'm sure this is to Danielle, because she is the only one that reads my pathetic stories, but I'm sure you remember my patient, Joe, who I fell in love with a few months back. (If you read like five or six stories down, there's 2 posts on him). He's the one who was getting chemo for his brain tumor, who we didn't think was going to make it. Well, since he left the hospital before Thanksgiving, I haven't heard from them. I have been continuing to pray for them, as I know he's not out of the blue yet. But it's just sad when you make a connection like that with someone (he and his family/friends), and not hear from them in months regarding that critical situation. So, like the stalker that I am (not really.... but kind of), I remembered where his wife worked, so I looked up her email through the schools and shot her an email (and I apologized to her for being such a stalker).
Well I figured knowing her, she'd respond that second with excitement. But the day passed and no email. And another. And another. I was beginning to worry, because I know that's not at all like her personality. She would be calling all of her friends and family telling them that I had written. Especially Joe. And he would surely get ahold of me.
Last night at work, the night started off crappy. All of my patients had something major going on with them, and I was covering an LPN, so I had to take on her 7 patients as well. WHOA. So I'm sitting there feeling all miserable, as I was behind in my work, when one of the secretaries handed me a index card. I thought it was an admission so I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I saw a post it over it, saying "please make sure Autumn gets this." I ripped the post-it off, and it read that Joe had called and wanted to know if I got his email. He wanted me to call him ASAP, and he attached his phone number. I immediately smiled and was very optimistic to get through the night so I could get home and check my email.
So I got home and there was still no email from him. Hmmmm. So I checked my spam folder, thinking maybe it had been filtered into there. And there it was........
I opened it and couldn't stop smiling (he responded the same day I emailed his wife). He told me that his wife called him from work and said, "You're not going to believe this. You need to check your email. You're not going to believe who we got an email from." And his response to her was, "I hope it's Autumn." (I guess they talk about me all the time. Ha, it's mutual then, isn't it?) And she said, "By gol, you're right!" And how EXCITED they were to hear from me. He updated me on his situation; a year ago when he was diagnosed, his bone marrow was full of cancer. He had a bone marrow biopsy and on Christmas Eve got a phone call that there were NO cancer cells in his bone marrow!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! Ugh, how can you stop the tears from flowing when you hear that? He is going through a procedure in a few weeks. He's going to have an autologous stem cell transplant (they are going to take his bone marrow out, he's going to get chemo to kill any bad cells remaining, they will transplant his bone marrow back, and give an additional dose of chemo to kill any cells they missed; when your bone marrow is full of cancer cells, there's no place for blood cells to produce. So by taking his bone marrow out, his body will make new blood cells. And they will check to see if they are producing cancerous cells. If so, that's what the chemo is for). So he's going to have a rough few weeks there, but hopefully that'll be the last step in this process for quite some time!!!
He's emailed me a few times today (I think he's REALLY excited to hear from me :-)), and he sent me his phone number(s) so I called and was able to talk to him tonight! He said that he sat around all day wanting to call me but knew I was sleeping, and didn't know what time I woke up. Haha. Ugh, he's so precious. It was sooooooo good to hear his voice. I think while he's in the hospital those few weeks (down in Missouri), I am going to make a trip down to see him. I know that'd totally catch him offguard and cheer him up! I will go see him at their house probably sometime this weekend or next week before he goes.
In one of his emails today, he told me that he had sent my email to a couple of his friends, and sent their responses. This was his sister's response: "Joe: Thanks for sending Autumn's message-I loved the picture of the two of you b/f you left the hospital. It's great that even when life brings you the biggest challenge of your life that you are blessed to have met such a wonderful, caring person. I think that this just lets you know that even when life is so hard God is watching over us by sending angels to care for us like Autumn. Thanks for sharing her notes."
I cannot stop smiling........ it's so wonderful to know how HUGE of an impact you've made on someone's life, especially in such a devastating circumstance. I absolutely adore this man (and his family). And I'm so thankful.... so very thankful that God answers prayers. Please join me in continuing to pray for he and his family as he recovers :-)
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