God is blessing me tremendously the past few days (when doesn't He?). Back to the patient I talked about a couple posts back- the friend I made. Well as I had said, he invited me to church sometime with his family and gave me his phone number to call if I ever wanted to meet them before a service. Well, I called Saturday night because my heart was really longing for a friend, and I got his answering machine. I told him that I'd love to meet he and his family, so if they'd just let me know what service they were going to, I'd meet them there. He left a voicemail while I was working full of enthusiasm that I was joining them. He then called Sunday morning about an hour before the service to make sure I got his voicemail.
I don't know if I'm in love with the church yet- it's hard to tell on just one service. There were things I liked better than West Side, yet there were some things that were lacking for me. I think the main thing was; I was with a family. I think I've gotten beyond that college phase where you're amped to go to services with everyone the same age as you, and those are your closest companions. I think now my heart is really longing for families. For community. For diversity. And I got that at the United Methodist. It was so wonderful to be SO welcomed not only by that patient, but by his wife as well. They were wonderful about introducing me to people and explaining different things to me, that were out of the norm during the service. I think the thing that touched me the most was their genuinity. He told me at least 12 times during the service how happy he was that I came with them. It was so wonderful to hear that; to know that he has a deep concern for my spiritual life and finding me a church home, whether it's with them or not. I really think they should adopt me. Yes, I am 23, but I want to be a part of their family so badly. And I truly feel like they're making me part of that. Thank You, Jesus, for providing that.....
I also arrived safely in Florida this morning at 7:30 am. I cannot tell you how BEAUTIFUL this area is. The sunshine is doing wonders for my soul, my nephew is absolutely amazing (we're best friends now), and the family time is just the biggest blessing......
God has me in the palm of His hand.... and He's reminding me of that day by day.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas
Today doesn't feel like Christmas. I worked last night and probably had a little too much fun with 'creepy stalker' aka this like 40 year old guy who really stalks me, but he's hilarious so I don't mind. He's a respiratory therapist, and we have a lot of fun joking around on the floor. It started off as me asking him if he was following me, because he was giving breathing treatments to like ALL of my patients, so he was in and out of my rooms. Then he started saying that all the time. And now we call each other 'creepy stalker'. He claims that he was the first one that called me that, but that is CLEARLY an Autumn term. Even though the first half of the night I was CRAZY busy, it ended up being a really good night! It's like they wanted me to work for my holiday bonus pay. Haha. And I'm beginning to really see that my patients see a difference in me. It's amazing how far a little bit of kindness will go; there have been so many patients that other nurses thought were rude or were jerks, but because I treat them with decency and respect, they are wonderful for me. It's really neat to see the impact you can have on another human being.
I had the opportunity to go to a friend's tonight for dinner but really, I want to just get some sleep. I didn't fall asleep until after noon yesterday and had to get up at 4 for work. SICK. That's an ugly sleeping pattern. So today I will sleep until my body thinks it's time to get up. If it's 2 am again, so be it. The next 2 nights I work bonus shifts; only 4 hours each from 7-11 pm. That'll be a nice break. Pass a few meds then go home. And get paid boo-koh bucks for it (not really, but we can pretend).
I am really starting to get my passion back for Christ (came at a perfect time of the year, don't you think?). First off, I just need to say that I LOVE Shane & Shane's Christmas album. Their voices just make me fall in love with Jesus every time I hear them sing.... they make such beautiful music, it's inevitable. God really blessed them with an incredible talent and harmony together. Anyway, one of their songs really speaks a lot of truth, and it has left an impression on me ever since I heard it. It's called "Born To Die". Here are the lyrics:
When the babe was born/In a manger on the hay/God saw a veil torn/He saw Good Friday/He was born to die/Gold laid before the Christ/Incense, His presence is sweet/Myrrh to signify victory over death's sting/He was born to die/It came in a dream/To Joseph late on night/That Herod sought the King/But could not take His life/He was born to die/He said, "You don't take my life/You won't take my life/You don't take my life...I lay it down."/We came here today/To celebrate His birth/But let us not forget/Why Jesus came to earth/He was born to die.
He was born to die...... it is so true. And I am so thankful for that. That Jesus, my Savior, suffered through trials, as do you and I, breathing life as a human being on this earth. Isn't it bizarre to think about? He was a human being.... so long ago. It makes me feel like I have such shallow faith, when I read about the weak throwing themselves at His feet, desperate for contact with Him. Desperate because they knew they needed Him, and He was the only cure to their crumbling lives. I feel like a schmuck. Because I desperately need Him; there is no good part about me that is not attributed to Him. And sometimes I don't even stop to realize how poorly off I am without Him. I brush Him off and live as if this life were it for me..... but it's not even the beginning.
It makes me thankful, that Jesus came. That He lived. That He knows what we go through, in the human flesh. That He knows how easily we can be distracted, and how we can still have good intentions despite our humanness. Because I don't mean to be a failure. I don't mean to stray from the path He has laid out before me. I don't mean to ignore His voice, and fall into the holes. Which reminds me of another song, which happens to be one of my very favorites; Breaking The Legs of Sheep by Kids in the Way. I wish so badly that God would just break my leg, to teach me a lesson. I think sometimes I see the pain, and I know that it's there, but I don't notice that it's coming from my broken leg. I just feel the pain and think, "gosh this sucks, I'm in so much pain." But I don't see that God is using this pain to teach me a lesson. That He's fishing me out of the hole with His staff, trying to teach me what happens when I fall in that hole. But like a retarded sheep with half a brain, I almost leap from hole to hole.
It's amazing.... that without the birth of this perfect baby, this life would be it for me. Pain and sin would be all this life had to offer me, or rather that I had to offer this world. I would hurt, then I would die. And that'd be it. But I praise God that this is not the end for us. I feel so unworthy, that I suffer only for a short time, and then I am called to live in His presence for all of eternity. I'm so undeserving of the place He's going to one day call me to. It's a hard thing to accept..... grace is so amazing.
Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you for taking my place..... you pure, perfect babe. I celebrate Your birth today.
I had the opportunity to go to a friend's tonight for dinner but really, I want to just get some sleep. I didn't fall asleep until after noon yesterday and had to get up at 4 for work. SICK. That's an ugly sleeping pattern. So today I will sleep until my body thinks it's time to get up. If it's 2 am again, so be it. The next 2 nights I work bonus shifts; only 4 hours each from 7-11 pm. That'll be a nice break. Pass a few meds then go home. And get paid boo-koh bucks for it (not really, but we can pretend).
I am really starting to get my passion back for Christ (came at a perfect time of the year, don't you think?). First off, I just need to say that I LOVE Shane & Shane's Christmas album. Their voices just make me fall in love with Jesus every time I hear them sing.... they make such beautiful music, it's inevitable. God really blessed them with an incredible talent and harmony together. Anyway, one of their songs really speaks a lot of truth, and it has left an impression on me ever since I heard it. It's called "Born To Die". Here are the lyrics:
When the babe was born/In a manger on the hay/God saw a veil torn/He saw Good Friday/He was born to die/Gold laid before the Christ/Incense, His presence is sweet/Myrrh to signify victory over death's sting/He was born to die/It came in a dream/To Joseph late on night/That Herod sought the King/But could not take His life/He was born to die/He said, "You don't take my life/You won't take my life/You don't take my life...I lay it down."/We came here today/To celebrate His birth/But let us not forget/Why Jesus came to earth/He was born to die.
He was born to die...... it is so true. And I am so thankful for that. That Jesus, my Savior, suffered through trials, as do you and I, breathing life as a human being on this earth. Isn't it bizarre to think about? He was a human being.... so long ago. It makes me feel like I have such shallow faith, when I read about the weak throwing themselves at His feet, desperate for contact with Him. Desperate because they knew they needed Him, and He was the only cure to their crumbling lives. I feel like a schmuck. Because I desperately need Him; there is no good part about me that is not attributed to Him. And sometimes I don't even stop to realize how poorly off I am without Him. I brush Him off and live as if this life were it for me..... but it's not even the beginning.
It makes me thankful, that Jesus came. That He lived. That He knows what we go through, in the human flesh. That He knows how easily we can be distracted, and how we can still have good intentions despite our humanness. Because I don't mean to be a failure. I don't mean to stray from the path He has laid out before me. I don't mean to ignore His voice, and fall into the holes. Which reminds me of another song, which happens to be one of my very favorites; Breaking The Legs of Sheep by Kids in the Way. I wish so badly that God would just break my leg, to teach me a lesson. I think sometimes I see the pain, and I know that it's there, but I don't notice that it's coming from my broken leg. I just feel the pain and think, "gosh this sucks, I'm in so much pain." But I don't see that God is using this pain to teach me a lesson. That He's fishing me out of the hole with His staff, trying to teach me what happens when I fall in that hole. But like a retarded sheep with half a brain, I almost leap from hole to hole.
It's amazing.... that without the birth of this perfect baby, this life would be it for me. Pain and sin would be all this life had to offer me, or rather that I had to offer this world. I would hurt, then I would die. And that'd be it. But I praise God that this is not the end for us. I feel so unworthy, that I suffer only for a short time, and then I am called to live in His presence for all of eternity. I'm so undeserving of the place He's going to one day call me to. It's a hard thing to accept..... grace is so amazing.
Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you for taking my place..... you pure, perfect babe. I celebrate Your birth today.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I found a friend
And no, it's not the security guard (though when I found out that patient was still on our floor, I 'nonchalantly' meandered by the door, trying to catch a glimpse at who was sitting with him.... but it wasn't my guard. Then at eleven (like a stalker face) I waltzed by again to see who was taking his place... again, not my guard. Maybe tonight is the night though..... you never know.
However, I did make this friend at work, and it's a patient I had a couple of nights ago. I actually mentioned him in my last post- about the whole church talk. I saw that he was still in the hospital, so before I went to greet my patients, I swung by his room. He greeted me with a smile, and we picked our conversation up like old friends. It was wonderful for my soul. His dad came in shortly after, and when he introduced his dad to me, his dad knew who I was. The patient had talked about me with his family. And it must have been good things, because he was happy to see me. And his dad was looking out for me as well. I have to say, it impressed me that they didn't do the whole "My church is better" thing and try to talk theirs up and cram it down my throat. Instead, they were both telling me about OTHER churches in the area. I really just kept thinking that I wanted to go with them sometime. "Yeah, but our church makes West Side look small." Uh oh. haha. And West Side to me is a little huge. But I think it's because I haven't rooted myself with families there. I've only met some of the young adults, and they haven't been people that I have connected with, like I was hoping. Anyway, I told them I'd be back to see them in a while, after I got settled into my routine. I checked back a couple of times, but the patient was sleeping (which was good, since we established the first night I had him that he didn't sleep well in hospitals). I finally caught him awake with the TV on this morning, after I had pretty much handed my patients over (there's like a 1/2 hour to 45 minute down time, while the nurses coming on listen to report that we taped for them). So I started talking to him again, about life and about church. I asked what service they went to, because I genuinely would love to go with them. Finally before I got ready to leave, he was like, "Well I could give you our phone number if you ever wanted to come to church with us, or call ahead of time to know when we're going." Then he paused for a minute, and I said that that would be great.... kind of in a tone trying to surpress my excitement. Then he was like, "I mean, I don't want you to feel pressured or like forced to come." And I feared my response was taken the wrong way. But I ran to get paper and wrote their phone number down. I'm so blessed..... here I am, wallowing in my pity of being lonely, and here God is, showing up. He does that often, doesn't He? :-) So I'm pretty sure that I've made a wonderful friend, and that I will love his family, because I've heard so much about them. I just feel like I'm going to be taken care of, ya know? Like if I didn't go to church, they'd be the kind to seek me out and let me know that they missed me (and noticed that I was gone). And I want/need that. I need that support and love. I'm so thankful. And I got a hug out of it. Sometimes you just need one, ya know? And he kept thanking me for the great care that I gave him, and how hard of a worker I was.... it was almost embarrassing.
I love my job :-)
And I love Jesus. Happy birthday!
However, I did make this friend at work, and it's a patient I had a couple of nights ago. I actually mentioned him in my last post- about the whole church talk. I saw that he was still in the hospital, so before I went to greet my patients, I swung by his room. He greeted me with a smile, and we picked our conversation up like old friends. It was wonderful for my soul. His dad came in shortly after, and when he introduced his dad to me, his dad knew who I was. The patient had talked about me with his family. And it must have been good things, because he was happy to see me. And his dad was looking out for me as well. I have to say, it impressed me that they didn't do the whole "My church is better" thing and try to talk theirs up and cram it down my throat. Instead, they were both telling me about OTHER churches in the area. I really just kept thinking that I wanted to go with them sometime. "Yeah, but our church makes West Side look small." Uh oh. haha. And West Side to me is a little huge. But I think it's because I haven't rooted myself with families there. I've only met some of the young adults, and they haven't been people that I have connected with, like I was hoping. Anyway, I told them I'd be back to see them in a while, after I got settled into my routine. I checked back a couple of times, but the patient was sleeping (which was good, since we established the first night I had him that he didn't sleep well in hospitals). I finally caught him awake with the TV on this morning, after I had pretty much handed my patients over (there's like a 1/2 hour to 45 minute down time, while the nurses coming on listen to report that we taped for them). So I started talking to him again, about life and about church. I asked what service they went to, because I genuinely would love to go with them. Finally before I got ready to leave, he was like, "Well I could give you our phone number if you ever wanted to come to church with us, or call ahead of time to know when we're going." Then he paused for a minute, and I said that that would be great.... kind of in a tone trying to surpress my excitement. Then he was like, "I mean, I don't want you to feel pressured or like forced to come." And I feared my response was taken the wrong way. But I ran to get paper and wrote their phone number down. I'm so blessed..... here I am, wallowing in my pity of being lonely, and here God is, showing up. He does that often, doesn't He? :-) So I'm pretty sure that I've made a wonderful friend, and that I will love his family, because I've heard so much about them. I just feel like I'm going to be taken care of, ya know? Like if I didn't go to church, they'd be the kind to seek me out and let me know that they missed me (and noticed that I was gone). And I want/need that. I need that support and love. I'm so thankful. And I got a hug out of it. Sometimes you just need one, ya know? And he kept thanking me for the great care that I gave him, and how hard of a worker I was.... it was almost embarrassing.
I love my job :-)
And I love Jesus. Happy birthday!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
simple things deserve a simple explanation
I'm thankful.... God's really blessing my heart.
Last night I did not want to go to work (sinuses = lame). I've been sick all week, well since Tuesday. And for some reason it was getting better, it felt, until last night when I woke up. Ugh. But I toughed it out and went, expecting to get like hate-mail from my patients about their dirty nurse who stands in the hallway sneezing, coughing, and blowing her nose all the time (I washed my hands so much last night that my hands are like red, cracking, and raw. They hurt so badly. Yay for nursing!). Instead, God used them to really bless me. Two of the men told me how beautiful I was, granted they were 60+ and missing half of their original teeth. But they said that if they weren't married they'd ask me to marry them in a heartbeat (really, men are you that lame? I choose to think not). Then I got an admission at like 10 pm... not my favorite thing. But it seemed to be a calm enough night that I was ok with it. I think that patient in particular blessed me. I don't know how we started talking about church (clearly a God thing), but he was telling me about his and asking me questions about mine, and how I'm feeling welcomed here. I kind of felt my guard breaking.... I mean, we didn't get into this earth-shattering conversation or anything, but I just needed to feel a connection like that. And God provided. My heart just longed for a frequency that was in tune with God, I guess. It was so nice to have someone care. It was mutual- I was physically caring for him, and he was emotionally caring for me. An unfair reciprocal, clearly. He was such a pleasant, honest man. He told me a little bit about his church. It sounds huge like West Side, but I think I may visit there, when he's out of the hospital. I'd love to see what they have to offer.
I got my ipod :-) Now I just need to find the time to put some music on there when I'm not working (which will be when?!?!?!) before I make the drive to FL. I also need to go find an adapter/fm transmitter that I can use.
It was so wonderful to go home, even if it was just for a day and a half. And even if I was sick on the couch with Danielle all day. Gosh, I miss home.
I'm really sad that I'm spending another holiday alone.... like really sad. Christmas Eve and Christmas I'll be alone. I work Christmas Eve so that won't seem as bad, I don't think. It's still so tough... looking at holiday pictures of my family. Knowing that they all at least have one person to spend their day with. I'm sick of being lonely :-(
Last night I did not want to go to work (sinuses = lame). I've been sick all week, well since Tuesday. And for some reason it was getting better, it felt, until last night when I woke up. Ugh. But I toughed it out and went, expecting to get like hate-mail from my patients about their dirty nurse who stands in the hallway sneezing, coughing, and blowing her nose all the time (I washed my hands so much last night that my hands are like red, cracking, and raw. They hurt so badly. Yay for nursing!). Instead, God used them to really bless me. Two of the men told me how beautiful I was, granted they were 60+ and missing half of their original teeth. But they said that if they weren't married they'd ask me to marry them in a heartbeat (really, men are you that lame? I choose to think not). Then I got an admission at like 10 pm... not my favorite thing. But it seemed to be a calm enough night that I was ok with it. I think that patient in particular blessed me. I don't know how we started talking about church (clearly a God thing), but he was telling me about his and asking me questions about mine, and how I'm feeling welcomed here. I kind of felt my guard breaking.... I mean, we didn't get into this earth-shattering conversation or anything, but I just needed to feel a connection like that. And God provided. My heart just longed for a frequency that was in tune with God, I guess. It was so nice to have someone care. It was mutual- I was physically caring for him, and he was emotionally caring for me. An unfair reciprocal, clearly. He was such a pleasant, honest man. He told me a little bit about his church. It sounds huge like West Side, but I think I may visit there, when he's out of the hospital. I'd love to see what they have to offer.
I got my ipod :-) Now I just need to find the time to put some music on there when I'm not working (which will be when?!?!?!) before I make the drive to FL. I also need to go find an adapter/fm transmitter that I can use.
It was so wonderful to go home, even if it was just for a day and a half. And even if I was sick on the couch with Danielle all day. Gosh, I miss home.
I'm really sad that I'm spending another holiday alone.... like really sad. Christmas Eve and Christmas I'll be alone. I work Christmas Eve so that won't seem as bad, I don't think. It's still so tough... looking at holiday pictures of my family. Knowing that they all at least have one person to spend their day with. I'm sick of being lonely :-(
Sunday, December 7, 2008
random
I am just going to list some things I've been thinking/doing lately.
I have had Dave Barnes & Paramore (not together) playing constantly on my itunes.
I want to buy an ipod... but I am torn because I want one that holds all of my music, but I don't know how many songs I have... and I have to transfer them all from media player to itunes. Yuck. That's a LOT of songs.
I was obsessed with anything that had to do with Twilight but I think I am finally allowing myself to get over it.
My bedroom window is broken; it won't close. It never bothered me until right now when it's like negative ten degrees outside. I am going to call and get it fixed tomorrow, hopefully.
I bought a tumbler that you can decorate yourself, and I have been contemplating for over 2 weeks now what pictures to put in it. How long will this go on?!?! When I finally decide, it'll be April when I don't need to survive on hot chocolate.
It was really good to see my best friends this weekend.... I cannot get over how happy it made me. It makes the holidays seem a little better when I'm not so bitter about my loneliness.
I am learning to not have expectations of others... people keep letting me down and hurting my feelings. You can't expect others to act/treat you like you do them.
I am going to be 2 maid-of-honors next summer, which I just found out this weekend. It'll be Beth & Stacy Granger's weddings. However it has made me realize that I will be standing next to the bride during the ceremony... which means I need to get my butt in shape. So I bought healthy food tonight at the grocery store. But I also bought E.L.Fudge cookies because I haven't had them in so long :-(
I start doing stuff and then stop all the time; whether it's a book, a scarf, a scrapbook.... I lack motivation sometimes.
I am going to Florida in less than 4 weeks. I am excited and sad at the same time; I am stoked to see them, but I hate saying goodbye to them, without knowing the next time I will hug them.
I hate going to work every day. I don't want to go, until I get there and start my routine. Then I'm so thankful that I love my job. Why do I hate going to work then? It doesn't make sense.
I am waiting to buy a Christmas tree until Christmas is over... hopefully then I can buy the one I want from Target, and it will be on sale. I have my heart set on one tree and I don't want any other.
I hate that once I have my mind wrapped around doing something, I won't rest easily until I've done it... I fly by the seat of my pants. If I want to go to the store, I want to do it NOW... not wait 10 minutes.
I am at the point in my life where I want to start dating seriously. I don't know if it's the holidays or just the point in my life where I am lonely that has sparked this desire of mine. But I am praying that God brings him along soon. But I don't know where to find him. Where do you find a good, Christian man besides at church? I know most people look for people in bars, but that's not my thing.
I love my hair when it's straight but I am too lazy to blow dry & straighten it... my hair is too thick, and it takes so long.
I miss the Severn's. A lot. All of them. And I wish I was sitting in their living room right now, because it feels like home to me. I cry every time I start thinking about them.... next random blurb, please...
I really want a puppy, but I don't want to be tied down; if I want to leave for the weekend, I don't want the responsibility of taking it with me or finding someone to watch it for the weekend. Thankfully my apartment complex doesn't allow animals, so it makes the decision a little easier.
I need to find some good earrings... I have sensitive ears, so I either buy earrings and can't wear them because they hurt, or I lose them.
I am so addicted to chapstick. I have been using Burt's Bees, but I am starting to miss the smoothy silkness from Blistex' Silk & Shine. I think I may buy a tube just to make my lips happy.
I am ticked that they changed my schedule for tomorrow; I could have spent another day at school with my brother and Christina, but I thought I had to work tomorrow... nobody told me otherwise. At least now I can buy The Dark Knight at midnight and watch it. :-)
I bought a box of Vick's kleenex so I can just sit here and sniff them. I feel like a druggie, sitting here sniffing them all night just to feel the vapors in my chest.
My walls are really, really bare. As goofy as it sounds, I would like to sport pictures/art drawn by friends and frame them on my walls..... even if it's the crappiest thing ever. Just because it's a part of them here with me.
Man, I really want an ipod........
I have had Dave Barnes & Paramore (not together) playing constantly on my itunes.
I want to buy an ipod... but I am torn because I want one that holds all of my music, but I don't know how many songs I have... and I have to transfer them all from media player to itunes. Yuck. That's a LOT of songs.
I was obsessed with anything that had to do with Twilight but I think I am finally allowing myself to get over it.
My bedroom window is broken; it won't close. It never bothered me until right now when it's like negative ten degrees outside. I am going to call and get it fixed tomorrow, hopefully.
I bought a tumbler that you can decorate yourself, and I have been contemplating for over 2 weeks now what pictures to put in it. How long will this go on?!?! When I finally decide, it'll be April when I don't need to survive on hot chocolate.
It was really good to see my best friends this weekend.... I cannot get over how happy it made me. It makes the holidays seem a little better when I'm not so bitter about my loneliness.
I am learning to not have expectations of others... people keep letting me down and hurting my feelings. You can't expect others to act/treat you like you do them.
I am going to be 2 maid-of-honors next summer, which I just found out this weekend. It'll be Beth & Stacy Granger's weddings. However it has made me realize that I will be standing next to the bride during the ceremony... which means I need to get my butt in shape. So I bought healthy food tonight at the grocery store. But I also bought E.L.Fudge cookies because I haven't had them in so long :-(
I start doing stuff and then stop all the time; whether it's a book, a scarf, a scrapbook.... I lack motivation sometimes.
I am going to Florida in less than 4 weeks. I am excited and sad at the same time; I am stoked to see them, but I hate saying goodbye to them, without knowing the next time I will hug them.
I hate going to work every day. I don't want to go, until I get there and start my routine. Then I'm so thankful that I love my job. Why do I hate going to work then? It doesn't make sense.
I am waiting to buy a Christmas tree until Christmas is over... hopefully then I can buy the one I want from Target, and it will be on sale. I have my heart set on one tree and I don't want any other.
I hate that once I have my mind wrapped around doing something, I won't rest easily until I've done it... I fly by the seat of my pants. If I want to go to the store, I want to do it NOW... not wait 10 minutes.
I am at the point in my life where I want to start dating seriously. I don't know if it's the holidays or just the point in my life where I am lonely that has sparked this desire of mine. But I am praying that God brings him along soon. But I don't know where to find him. Where do you find a good, Christian man besides at church? I know most people look for people in bars, but that's not my thing.
I love my hair when it's straight but I am too lazy to blow dry & straighten it... my hair is too thick, and it takes so long.
I miss the Severn's. A lot. All of them. And I wish I was sitting in their living room right now, because it feels like home to me. I cry every time I start thinking about them.... next random blurb, please...
I really want a puppy, but I don't want to be tied down; if I want to leave for the weekend, I don't want the responsibility of taking it with me or finding someone to watch it for the weekend. Thankfully my apartment complex doesn't allow animals, so it makes the decision a little easier.
I need to find some good earrings... I have sensitive ears, so I either buy earrings and can't wear them because they hurt, or I lose them.
I am so addicted to chapstick. I have been using Burt's Bees, but I am starting to miss the smoothy silkness from Blistex' Silk & Shine. I think I may buy a tube just to make my lips happy.
I am ticked that they changed my schedule for tomorrow; I could have spent another day at school with my brother and Christina, but I thought I had to work tomorrow... nobody told me otherwise. At least now I can buy The Dark Knight at midnight and watch it. :-)
I bought a box of Vick's kleenex so I can just sit here and sniff them. I feel like a druggie, sitting here sniffing them all night just to feel the vapors in my chest.
My walls are really, really bare. As goofy as it sounds, I would like to sport pictures/art drawn by friends and frame them on my walls..... even if it's the crappiest thing ever. Just because it's a part of them here with me.
Man, I really want an ipod........
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
vampires & werewolves
Just throwing this out there: I have to say that I am impressed. I have always been one to shy away from the "unbelievable". I never watched cartoons when I was younger, and I hated superhero movies because they weren't real. So why these books have become an addiction is beyond me......
I love the Twilight series. I am on the third book, which I will finish by time I go to bed in the morning. I just started the first one 2 days ago. I'm trying to slow down though, and savor the anticipation, for I know that after the next book it will end......
I am amazed. Kudos, Stephenie Meyer.
I kind of secretly want to date a vampire. Just throwing that out there too.
I love the Twilight series. I am on the third book, which I will finish by time I go to bed in the morning. I just started the first one 2 days ago. I'm trying to slow down though, and savor the anticipation, for I know that after the next book it will end......
I am amazed. Kudos, Stephenie Meyer.
I kind of secretly want to date a vampire. Just throwing that out there too.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
tough couple of weeks
The past couple of weeks have been difficult, watching my patient struggle (the one I previously mentioned) Because he's been getting chemo delivered to his brain, he has had some pretty intense side effects that we didn't know if they were merely side effects, or if they were tumor taking over the brain. One day when I got to work, he had gotten on the commode (somehow...). I went back in the room to help him get back in bed, and it seriously took us over 15 minutes to get him 2 feet from where he was. We'd tell him to move his right foot. His brain wouldn't communicate to his body. So I'd tap his right leg. "Move this leg. The one I am touching right now." He'd think real hard, and it'd move a centimeter. It was quite the process. Eventually it got to the point where he couldn't do anything for himself. It was so hard to care for him. I mean, it's so easy to care for him, because I would do anything for him. I would gladly spend all day cleaning his rear end than be with any of my other patients. But it broke my heart... to see how quickly cancer changes you. It is powerful. It is toxic.
So there were quite a few days that he was unable to do anything for himself. Anything. He was unable to communicate well. He didn't speak much, which is such a change from the day I met him (when he wouldn't shut up :-)). His labs were getting worse. The chemo was wiping his system out.
A week ago, I drove up to school and went to Tea Time. That night, Dr. Quanstrom came to speak to the group about prayer. It was such a simple, open conversation. But it helped me realize why we pray: because God answers. Right? Otherwise we wouldn't pray. He challenged us to pray without limitation. Not to assume that our prayer was out of God's capability. Because nothing is.
So this past week, I have been praying like God was answering my prayer. I wrestled with him. I would listen to the song "Beg" by Shane & Shane and start crying, begging for God to move in this situation. This song was the cry of my heart. I kind of downright demanded that God act quickly in this situation. And you know what?.... well, keep reading.
The past few days hadn't seemed like much of a change. He was finally able to make eye contact, and could somewhat respond to questions, but there weren't any huge signs of healing. Sunday, however, his daughter said that he finally asked her if he could eat something. He said he was hungry (he had been on a feeding tube because he wasn't able to eat). That alone was huge. Any sign of appetite or willingness to try..... is great. He ate a couple of bites, not much. But it's something.
Well today, I walked in after my lunch break, and surprise! He was sleeping (go figure; that seems to be the thing to do when I come visit). His wife and daughter filled me in though- he was doing so much better. I saw that he wasn't connected to his tube feeding anymore. "He ate a meal last night. I asked him if it was because he knew he needed to eat, or if it was because he was hungry. And he said he was hungry," his daughter said. I smiled. Praise God! Even for an appetite. They said he had been up, walking around the room during the morning. My jaw dropped. Just a week ago, he couldn't even move his leg an inch. And here he was, strolling around the room?! Unfathomable. I told them I'd come back when he was awake before I left for the day.
So I returned around 3- I saw his wife in the hall and she said he was awake, eating some lunch. So I knocked on the door and peeked my head in. He had his back to me, so I tip toed over. His wife and daughter smiled, waiting for his reaction. I popped my head around the side of the bed. He put his fork down, and almost shoved his tray onto his wife's lap. "HIIIII BABY!" he proclaimed, as he made space for me to hug him. He held me for a while. Me, smiling the whole time. "I missed you!" "I know, I missed you too. Want to stay with us tonight?" Haha we all laughed. His wife was telling me how he walked out to the hallway today, and there were 4 nurses standing around. "There he was in all his glory, with all of the attention on him." Joe shook his head. "No..... not true. Autumn wasn't there," he said, as he smiled. I almost couldn't breathe.... he was cracking jokes again, like he used to do. He was holding conversations. He was making all of us laugh. He was explaining to me what the doctors had said- he gets to go home this weekend, if things stay the way they're going. He pulled out pictures of a previous MRI with the one he had today. Where there once was a quarter/50 cent piece sized white/gray area (tumor), there was a small blur..... A SMALL BLUR!!!!! I got tears in my eyes, and had to look away, as my jaw started to quiver. The only thing that made me not burst out bawling was him joking about the past week. "I am so embarrassed. You wiped SHIT from my crack!" He kept saying how horrible it must have smelled, and such. I couldn't stop laughing.
He is back.......
And I stand in awe of the significance of him in my life..... the lessons that God is teaching me through him. I put limitations on God. I brought small things to Him, because I didn't trust Him to do big things. I confined Him to this box.... God cannot be confined. He is more powerful than disease. He is more powerful than toxicity. God cannot be stopped......
I am so thankful..... I could not be happier..... I still sit here beaming, with a thankful heart. Praise God!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD! What an answer to prayer!!!!! What an incredible lesson.
Please continue to pray for him. He is not in the clear..... but this is a wonderful start. :-) Let this serve as encouragement.... wrestle with God. He desires that physical contact with you. He wants to see you make your positions. He wants to see your faith build.... and He is faithful.
So there were quite a few days that he was unable to do anything for himself. Anything. He was unable to communicate well. He didn't speak much, which is such a change from the day I met him (when he wouldn't shut up :-)). His labs were getting worse. The chemo was wiping his system out.
A week ago, I drove up to school and went to Tea Time. That night, Dr. Quanstrom came to speak to the group about prayer. It was such a simple, open conversation. But it helped me realize why we pray: because God answers. Right? Otherwise we wouldn't pray. He challenged us to pray without limitation. Not to assume that our prayer was out of God's capability. Because nothing is.
So this past week, I have been praying like God was answering my prayer. I wrestled with him. I would listen to the song "Beg" by Shane & Shane and start crying, begging for God to move in this situation. This song was the cry of my heart. I kind of downright demanded that God act quickly in this situation. And you know what?.... well, keep reading.
The past few days hadn't seemed like much of a change. He was finally able to make eye contact, and could somewhat respond to questions, but there weren't any huge signs of healing. Sunday, however, his daughter said that he finally asked her if he could eat something. He said he was hungry (he had been on a feeding tube because he wasn't able to eat). That alone was huge. Any sign of appetite or willingness to try..... is great. He ate a couple of bites, not much. But it's something.
Well today, I walked in after my lunch break, and surprise! He was sleeping (go figure; that seems to be the thing to do when I come visit). His wife and daughter filled me in though- he was doing so much better. I saw that he wasn't connected to his tube feeding anymore. "He ate a meal last night. I asked him if it was because he knew he needed to eat, or if it was because he was hungry. And he said he was hungry," his daughter said. I smiled. Praise God! Even for an appetite. They said he had been up, walking around the room during the morning. My jaw dropped. Just a week ago, he couldn't even move his leg an inch. And here he was, strolling around the room?! Unfathomable. I told them I'd come back when he was awake before I left for the day.
So I returned around 3- I saw his wife in the hall and she said he was awake, eating some lunch. So I knocked on the door and peeked my head in. He had his back to me, so I tip toed over. His wife and daughter smiled, waiting for his reaction. I popped my head around the side of the bed. He put his fork down, and almost shoved his tray onto his wife's lap. "HIIIII BABY!" he proclaimed, as he made space for me to hug him. He held me for a while. Me, smiling the whole time. "I missed you!" "I know, I missed you too. Want to stay with us tonight?" Haha we all laughed. His wife was telling me how he walked out to the hallway today, and there were 4 nurses standing around. "There he was in all his glory, with all of the attention on him." Joe shook his head. "No..... not true. Autumn wasn't there," he said, as he smiled. I almost couldn't breathe.... he was cracking jokes again, like he used to do. He was holding conversations. He was making all of us laugh. He was explaining to me what the doctors had said- he gets to go home this weekend, if things stay the way they're going. He pulled out pictures of a previous MRI with the one he had today. Where there once was a quarter/50 cent piece sized white/gray area (tumor), there was a small blur..... A SMALL BLUR!!!!! I got tears in my eyes, and had to look away, as my jaw started to quiver. The only thing that made me not burst out bawling was him joking about the past week. "I am so embarrassed. You wiped SHIT from my crack!" He kept saying how horrible it must have smelled, and such. I couldn't stop laughing.
He is back.......
And I stand in awe of the significance of him in my life..... the lessons that God is teaching me through him. I put limitations on God. I brought small things to Him, because I didn't trust Him to do big things. I confined Him to this box.... God cannot be confined. He is more powerful than disease. He is more powerful than toxicity. God cannot be stopped......
I am so thankful..... I could not be happier..... I still sit here beaming, with a thankful heart. Praise God!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD! What an answer to prayer!!!!! What an incredible lesson.
Please continue to pray for him. He is not in the clear..... but this is a wonderful start. :-) Let this serve as encouragement.... wrestle with God. He desires that physical contact with you. He wants to see you make your positions. He wants to see your faith build.... and He is faithful.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
blessing
I have been taking care of this patient, who has become so dear to my heart. He has such a wonderful sense of humor. We get each other.... sometimes it's hard finding that connection with anyone in this world, but whenever we see each other, we just start smiling. I often go in and visit him when he's under the care of another nurse, just to say hi. The last time he was in the hospital, I sent him a card, just letting him know that I was praying for him, and how much of a blessing he is to my day. Well his wife saw me yesterday, and she gave me a hug, grabbed my hand and with tears in her eyes, choking back a breakdown, explained how thankful she was for the card. She said it meant so much to her and her family, and she thanked me several times for sending it. I hugged her back and choked back tears. If she only knew what they meant to me. Also his brother, who lives out of state, is back to visit. He saw me in the hallway yesterday and remembered me by name. "AUTUMN! Do you have him today?" I was like, "I don't know, I hope so!" "ME TOO! If not, stop in and say hi. He'd love to see you!"
The first day I took care of them, we talked about the hospital, and that I was new. Sometimes this is a little freaky to patients; they don't want someone with that little of experience taking care of them, because they think they don't know what they're doing. But they were so accepting of me, and told everyone what a wonderful nurse I was. His brother, who was here from out of state, also pulled me aside and said that I would go far, that he could tell I was going to be a terriffic nurse. Ugh, that stuff makes you feel so good.
This patient has been on my heart consistently since the first time I took care of him. So I've been laying it in God's hands, praying for him, and his family. As much as I want to see him, I want him to be healthy enough to stay out of the hospital.
I went in to work today and found out that I had him for the day. I cannot tell you how excited I was. Seriously, I wish I could tell you more about him, but I am respecting his privacy and remaining a professional nurse by refraining. When I walked in at first, he was sleeping. And I didn't want to wake him up. But eagerly I was thinking "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Come play!" Haha. But I let him rest, as I knew the previous day was a rough one for him. Finally when I walked in a little later, he and his daughter were awake. She started BEAMING as soon as I walked in and she was like "Dad! You're going to be well taken care of today!! I cannot tell you how happy we are to see you." He looked up from under his blanket and smiled. "hey baby" he said. He reached his hand out (he always holds my hand when I am in the room, or rubs my arm, if they're occupied). All day long, as new family members came, they all kept saying how happy they were that I was his nurse for the day. They kept asking if I'd be back tomorrow, and said they were praying I'd have him again. What a wonderful feeling. After he woke up (like really woke up), he thanked me for the card too, and pulled me down for a hug. And he wouldn't let go. I cannot tell you how much that hug meant to me. I cannot even recall the last time I was hugged by someone here.... I've always been such an affectionate, touchy person. So it's hard not knowing anyone, and going from a zillion hugs a day to nothing.
I just cannot tell you how much this means to me. Starting out as a nurse is intimidating; you often worry that you're not doing things right, or that family is judging you, or that you're not doing enough for the patient. But to have their reassurance is so incredible. They give such wonderful feedback.
It's hard getting attached to him.... people often tell you not to get emotionally attached. I'm sorry, but I'm not the kind of nurse who treats her patients as objects, merely doing the bare minimum and leaving their room. I want to get to know them, to give them my support, to pray for them! How do you not get attached when you're there during the most vulnerable times of their lives? You're one of the only constants they have in their lives; they need your strength.
I love my job...... I absolutely love it. Even though I was running around crazy today, no lunch break, barely time to sit (only to chart), I loved my day. The patients keep me coming back. How blessed am I? Not only to HAVE a job, let alone.... but to have one I thoroughly enjoy? I am so fortunate.
I'm counting my blessings....
The first day I took care of them, we talked about the hospital, and that I was new. Sometimes this is a little freaky to patients; they don't want someone with that little of experience taking care of them, because they think they don't know what they're doing. But they were so accepting of me, and told everyone what a wonderful nurse I was. His brother, who was here from out of state, also pulled me aside and said that I would go far, that he could tell I was going to be a terriffic nurse. Ugh, that stuff makes you feel so good.
This patient has been on my heart consistently since the first time I took care of him. So I've been laying it in God's hands, praying for him, and his family. As much as I want to see him, I want him to be healthy enough to stay out of the hospital.
I went in to work today and found out that I had him for the day. I cannot tell you how excited I was. Seriously, I wish I could tell you more about him, but I am respecting his privacy and remaining a professional nurse by refraining. When I walked in at first, he was sleeping. And I didn't want to wake him up. But eagerly I was thinking "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Come play!" Haha. But I let him rest, as I knew the previous day was a rough one for him. Finally when I walked in a little later, he and his daughter were awake. She started BEAMING as soon as I walked in and she was like "Dad! You're going to be well taken care of today!! I cannot tell you how happy we are to see you." He looked up from under his blanket and smiled. "hey baby" he said. He reached his hand out (he always holds my hand when I am in the room, or rubs my arm, if they're occupied). All day long, as new family members came, they all kept saying how happy they were that I was his nurse for the day. They kept asking if I'd be back tomorrow, and said they were praying I'd have him again. What a wonderful feeling. After he woke up (like really woke up), he thanked me for the card too, and pulled me down for a hug. And he wouldn't let go. I cannot tell you how much that hug meant to me. I cannot even recall the last time I was hugged by someone here.... I've always been such an affectionate, touchy person. So it's hard not knowing anyone, and going from a zillion hugs a day to nothing.
I just cannot tell you how much this means to me. Starting out as a nurse is intimidating; you often worry that you're not doing things right, or that family is judging you, or that you're not doing enough for the patient. But to have their reassurance is so incredible. They give such wonderful feedback.
It's hard getting attached to him.... people often tell you not to get emotionally attached. I'm sorry, but I'm not the kind of nurse who treats her patients as objects, merely doing the bare minimum and leaving their room. I want to get to know them, to give them my support, to pray for them! How do you not get attached when you're there during the most vulnerable times of their lives? You're one of the only constants they have in their lives; they need your strength.
I love my job...... I absolutely love it. Even though I was running around crazy today, no lunch break, barely time to sit (only to chart), I loved my day. The patients keep me coming back. How blessed am I? Not only to HAVE a job, let alone.... but to have one I thoroughly enjoy? I am so fortunate.
I'm counting my blessings....
Monday, October 6, 2008
I miss my niece & nephew
..... so I've been looking through pictures the past couple of days that I want to print out. I am making a collage of pictures of friends from school (all sepia toned) to go up in my bedroom. I bought sweet placemats that are the colors in my room; so I am going to use them as backgrounds and tape them up, with the pictures on. It'll be awesome.
Anyway, I also decided to fill my hallway with pictures of my family. So I started by deciding which wedding pictures I wanted to put up (one 5x7 of all of their weddings). Then I started going through pictures of Landunn & Hannah as babies...... gosh. That is pretty much one time when I can't help but get emotional. It is unbelievable the amount of love that I have for those two. I cannot even imagine what I will be like as a mother. I hate being so far from them. It's extremely difficult.
I don't even know why I am writing this..... just to help myself cope, I suppose.
I would give anything to be hugging my Landunnator.... or hearing Hannah giggle, while wrinkling her nose.
Anyway, I also decided to fill my hallway with pictures of my family. So I started by deciding which wedding pictures I wanted to put up (one 5x7 of all of their weddings). Then I started going through pictures of Landunn & Hannah as babies...... gosh. That is pretty much one time when I can't help but get emotional. It is unbelievable the amount of love that I have for those two. I cannot even imagine what I will be like as a mother. I hate being so far from them. It's extremely difficult.
I don't even know why I am writing this..... just to help myself cope, I suppose.
I would give anything to be hugging my Landunnator.... or hearing Hannah giggle, while wrinkling her nose.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I am a real nurse!
Wow..... I am a real nurse! It is just starting to hit me, the power I hold in my hands. Not to say that in an egotistical way, it is a bit scary actually. In nursing school, you administer medications, hang IV bags, change dressings only to have your professor looking over your shoulder at all times. We couldn't even go and pass tylenol without them in our presence, making sure we validated their identity by checking their name band. And here I am, minute by minute doing all of these things on my own. And I'm COMFORTABLE doing them. I mean, we used to be so paranoid that we were doing something wrong that we'd be shaking opening their meds from their packages.... and it seems so second nature now. Even giving injections. It used to bother me to cause someone discomfort, and I don't mean that I enjoy it now :-) But these patients in particular are so used to being poked and prodded. So it puts me at ease that it's nothing new to them.
I have had some incredible moments with my patients already. I'm not at liberty to discuss them, but I am just absolutely honored to be a nurse. It's different because in nursing school we're taught how to help save patients... and here I am, helping them cope with their prognosis... a lot of them are dying. I am not looking forward to the death of my first patient.... it's not that I know these people deeply, but they warm up to you and you form a relationship while taking care of the same patients day in and day out. So I'm sure the first one will be tough. But it's so rewarding to be with them in such a vulnerable time. To do everything in my power to make them comfortable. I know they so deeply appreciate it. I am just so blessed to be a nurse. Though it is exhausting and overwhelming at some times, being pulled 10 different directions by physicians, aids, physical therapy, lab, other patients, etc..... at the end of the day, I have a smile on my face because I know that I truly made a difference in the life of someone else. God is using me because I am willing.... and it's incredible.
It's amazing the confidence that I am gaining. I am practically out on my own. My preceptor let me have 4 patients... and it's been going really well. I'm developing critical thinking; when to call the physician, as well as the confidence in talking to them. I think in nursing school we're filled with these ideas that doctors are scary people who yell at you for taking up their time. But all of the doctors I have encountered have been wonderful- they've all been saying I'm doing a good job communicating with them.
It's just so crazy, to have that much responsibility. And I'm stepping into those shoes.... slowly I will break them in. And I will run........
I have had some incredible moments with my patients already. I'm not at liberty to discuss them, but I am just absolutely honored to be a nurse. It's different because in nursing school we're taught how to help save patients... and here I am, helping them cope with their prognosis... a lot of them are dying. I am not looking forward to the death of my first patient.... it's not that I know these people deeply, but they warm up to you and you form a relationship while taking care of the same patients day in and day out. So I'm sure the first one will be tough. But it's so rewarding to be with them in such a vulnerable time. To do everything in my power to make them comfortable. I know they so deeply appreciate it. I am just so blessed to be a nurse. Though it is exhausting and overwhelming at some times, being pulled 10 different directions by physicians, aids, physical therapy, lab, other patients, etc..... at the end of the day, I have a smile on my face because I know that I truly made a difference in the life of someone else. God is using me because I am willing.... and it's incredible.
It's amazing the confidence that I am gaining. I am practically out on my own. My preceptor let me have 4 patients... and it's been going really well. I'm developing critical thinking; when to call the physician, as well as the confidence in talking to them. I think in nursing school we're filled with these ideas that doctors are scary people who yell at you for taking up their time. But all of the doctors I have encountered have been wonderful- they've all been saying I'm doing a good job communicating with them.
It's just so crazy, to have that much responsibility. And I'm stepping into those shoes.... slowly I will break them in. And I will run........
Friday, September 26, 2008
Elizabeth Ann Looper.....
My best friend, Beth, went down to Indiana to see her boyfriend this weekend. They celebrated their 5 year anniversary yesterday. We knew that he picked out her ring and asked her parents for her hand in marriage, so we've been anticipating the proposal (I guess she has been anticipating it a little more than I have ;-)). I thought for sure it would happen yesterday, on their 5 year. And she said I'd be the first person she called, so I had my phone by me AT ALL TIMES yesterday. But it never rang :-( I even double checked when I woke up to make sure she didn't call while I was sleeping (occasionally I am a deep sleeper. Not usually).
I figured it would happen sometime this weekend while she was down there, but I didn't know when.
So I'm in a class today (a cancer review) and I start doodling... let's face it, 8 hours is a LONG time to be in a class. I start writing my name a jillion times in different cursive and stuff. Then I decide that I am going to plan my wedding, so I start writing out who my bridesmaids would be. After I wrote Beth's name, I was like "She will be Beth Looper by then!" So I rewrite her name... Elizabeth Ann Looper. Just then, my phone rings.... IT IS BETH!!!!! I can't answer it because the speaker is still talking.... so I text her and said "Sorry I'm in class. Are you calling because you have something to tell me?!!?!?!" She doesn't have texting, so I sent another message saying "If so, call back again and I will leave class." But she texted back and said "Yes I do! You can guess it!" So I start squirming in my seat. The class was over, but they were going over review questions (there is a test to become Oncology Certified (I can't take it yet because I have to accumulate so many hours working in the unit)). So I was debating whether or not to get up and leave or sit through them, which I saw there was only a few slides left. FINALLY the slideshow ended and I BOOKED it out of the classroom.
I called her and I couldn't stop smiling....... I did the whole I'm-so-excited-I-am-slurring-my-speech-and-talking-really-fast thing. Oh gosh, I cannot believe it. We're grown up!!!!!! That makes two of my friends who are getting married now...... Scottie next month, then Beth next summer. I am sooooooo happy for her! FIVE YEARS of dating. That's a long time. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to not be able to completely express your love for someone after that long. God has definitely been at the forefront of their relationship, and He has equipped them with the strength. I think it's absolutely commendable and remarkable, really.
I cannot wait to see her...... and her RING!!!!!!!
I figured it would happen sometime this weekend while she was down there, but I didn't know when.
So I'm in a class today (a cancer review) and I start doodling... let's face it, 8 hours is a LONG time to be in a class. I start writing my name a jillion times in different cursive and stuff. Then I decide that I am going to plan my wedding, so I start writing out who my bridesmaids would be. After I wrote Beth's name, I was like "She will be Beth Looper by then!" So I rewrite her name... Elizabeth Ann Looper. Just then, my phone rings.... IT IS BETH!!!!! I can't answer it because the speaker is still talking.... so I text her and said "Sorry I'm in class. Are you calling because you have something to tell me?!!?!?!" She doesn't have texting, so I sent another message saying "If so, call back again and I will leave class." But she texted back and said "Yes I do! You can guess it!" So I start squirming in my seat. The class was over, but they were going over review questions (there is a test to become Oncology Certified (I can't take it yet because I have to accumulate so many hours working in the unit)). So I was debating whether or not to get up and leave or sit through them, which I saw there was only a few slides left. FINALLY the slideshow ended and I BOOKED it out of the classroom.
I called her and I couldn't stop smiling....... I did the whole I'm-so-excited-I-am-slurring-my-speech-and-talking-really-fast thing. Oh gosh, I cannot believe it. We're grown up!!!!!! That makes two of my friends who are getting married now...... Scottie next month, then Beth next summer. I am sooooooo happy for her! FIVE YEARS of dating. That's a long time. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to not be able to completely express your love for someone after that long. God has definitely been at the forefront of their relationship, and He has equipped them with the strength. I think it's absolutely commendable and remarkable, really.
I cannot wait to see her...... and her RING!!!!!!!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
home
This past weekend I was able to go home. Funny... at the beginning of the summer I hated being home. I cried all the time because I didn't want to be there. But now all I want to do is go back. Haha, I find myself crying almost daily because I'm not there. Funny how things reverse, yes? I find myself so unhappy here at the moment, but I know just like my feelings towards home, my feelings towards being here will change. It will get better.
Being home this weekend was wonderful. No, WONDERFUL. My mom and I's relationship has been getting a lot better since I've been gone. Crazy how becoming an independent adult will make you realize how appreciative of your mom that you are. She has done a lot for me. Scott too. I'm so thankful for her.
It was wonderful to see Beth, Danielle & Danielle's family. Gosh, it was so good to spend time with them. I was up at the Apple Fest all afternoon on Saturday. I don't like it much. It's like a townwide garage sale. Haha. Some booths have creative stuff. Others just have a bunch of random stuff they're trying to get rid of. haha. One booth of guys cracked me up. The looked like some thugs, and they had a booth selling linens! haha. It was hilarious to me. They were being all friendly to the elderly and trying to get them to buy some. Classic.
I got my very own CAR this weekend!!! It's a silver 2005 impala. It has a few scratches, mostly around the trunk, like people scraped it putting groceries in or something. And has little paint chips on the hood from rocks being kicked up at it. But what car doesn't have a few scratches in it? I am almost glad that they're there, because if my car gets scratched now, I will be less likely to freak out about it. Please don't come key it, but you know what I mean. It looks great on the inside. Sooooo wonderful. And praise the Lord, I have air conditioning!!!! No longer do I have to sweat like a beast driving around with the windows down on a hot day!
Currently I am watching Signs..... I love this movie so much. Speaking of movies, there are so many that I want to buy. And I will soon have a ton of bills to pay. Someday I will have spending money though. I cannot wait to get settled in and used to paying bills. I think I'm going to have a serious addiction of buying scrubs too.... heaven help me!
Being home this weekend was wonderful. No, WONDERFUL. My mom and I's relationship has been getting a lot better since I've been gone. Crazy how becoming an independent adult will make you realize how appreciative of your mom that you are. She has done a lot for me. Scott too. I'm so thankful for her.
It was wonderful to see Beth, Danielle & Danielle's family. Gosh, it was so good to spend time with them. I was up at the Apple Fest all afternoon on Saturday. I don't like it much. It's like a townwide garage sale. Haha. Some booths have creative stuff. Others just have a bunch of random stuff they're trying to get rid of. haha. One booth of guys cracked me up. The looked like some thugs, and they had a booth selling linens! haha. It was hilarious to me. They were being all friendly to the elderly and trying to get them to buy some. Classic.
I got my very own CAR this weekend!!! It's a silver 2005 impala. It has a few scratches, mostly around the trunk, like people scraped it putting groceries in or something. And has little paint chips on the hood from rocks being kicked up at it. But what car doesn't have a few scratches in it? I am almost glad that they're there, because if my car gets scratched now, I will be less likely to freak out about it. Please don't come key it, but you know what I mean. It looks great on the inside. Sooooo wonderful. And praise the Lord, I have air conditioning!!!! No longer do I have to sweat like a beast driving around with the windows down on a hot day!
Currently I am watching Signs..... I love this movie so much. Speaking of movies, there are so many that I want to buy. And I will soon have a ton of bills to pay. Someday I will have spending money though. I cannot wait to get settled in and used to paying bills. I think I'm going to have a serious addiction of buying scrubs too.... heaven help me!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
let me go home
I cannot even put into words how excited I am to be going home this weekend. This week has been better, I've cried less than the past couple of weeks. I've been up on the floor, meeting nurses and getting a good feel for what working up there will be like, which has been great. But my heart is breaking...
I yearn for something more. It is so difficult.... being so far from home, so far from loved ones, no friends around, not really a good support system at church yet. I am literally here, and feel like nobody in this town cares about me. I could just stop breathing in my apartment, and nobody would know. I miss relationships (friendships) where we spoke our hearts, prayed together, laughed together. Gosh, I miss that so much. I don't really know any of the nurses yet, so I'm still the shy, quiet girl.
I think it would be easier to break out of this if people were a little more considerate. Not that there are any jerks that I have met, I just wish people would take into account all of the change that is occuring in my life.... and take the time to reach out to me. God desired for us to be in community, I learned that over the past year.... and I miss it so much.
I can't remember the time when I last cried so much..... I break down at least once a day. It's just terribly lonely. Go to work, come home. I'm not the type of person to go to a coffee shop and just randomly strike up conversation with someone sitting on a stool. So you can see why it's hard for me to make friends at the moment. I'm just relying on God, that some firm roots will grow with those girls at church- two girls that I met last Sunday invited me to their small group. It started tonight, but I was busy packing & getting stuff around to go home tomorrow, so I can leave right after work and arrive in michigan between 11 & 12. I'm so thankful for how friendly they were. I feel bad that I'm missing church on Sunday. Then I have to work next Sunday. So hopefully things are ok for me to go to small group next Thursday. I really want to connect with these girls, and get to know their hearts. I think I am going to like them.
So yeah, I am so excited to go home. I am not looking forward to the 6 hour drive home, only to spend one day, then come back the following afternoon... then get up for work in the morning. I feel like I need a vacation... already.... from my emotions. I just want to hug people. Do you know how wonderful that would be? I cannot wait to see my mom. I think our bond has grown since I left. We have talked every night since I've been gone (minus 2). And that never happens. I just miss her. I miss my friends- Beth & Danielle, and Danielle's family. I want to get loved on. And just enjoy the day that I have with them. I hope I don't take it for granted. I mean, I want to sleep in on Saturday (tomorrow is going to be a LONNNNNNNG day), but I want to use my time wisely and spend it with as many people as possible.
Please pray for me..... and my aching heart.
I yearn for something more. It is so difficult.... being so far from home, so far from loved ones, no friends around, not really a good support system at church yet. I am literally here, and feel like nobody in this town cares about me. I could just stop breathing in my apartment, and nobody would know. I miss relationships (friendships) where we spoke our hearts, prayed together, laughed together. Gosh, I miss that so much. I don't really know any of the nurses yet, so I'm still the shy, quiet girl.
I think it would be easier to break out of this if people were a little more considerate. Not that there are any jerks that I have met, I just wish people would take into account all of the change that is occuring in my life.... and take the time to reach out to me. God desired for us to be in community, I learned that over the past year.... and I miss it so much.
I can't remember the time when I last cried so much..... I break down at least once a day. It's just terribly lonely. Go to work, come home. I'm not the type of person to go to a coffee shop and just randomly strike up conversation with someone sitting on a stool. So you can see why it's hard for me to make friends at the moment. I'm just relying on God, that some firm roots will grow with those girls at church- two girls that I met last Sunday invited me to their small group. It started tonight, but I was busy packing & getting stuff around to go home tomorrow, so I can leave right after work and arrive in michigan between 11 & 12. I'm so thankful for how friendly they were. I feel bad that I'm missing church on Sunday. Then I have to work next Sunday. So hopefully things are ok for me to go to small group next Thursday. I really want to connect with these girls, and get to know their hearts. I think I am going to like them.
So yeah, I am so excited to go home. I am not looking forward to the 6 hour drive home, only to spend one day, then come back the following afternoon... then get up for work in the morning. I feel like I need a vacation... already.... from my emotions. I just want to hug people. Do you know how wonderful that would be? I cannot wait to see my mom. I think our bond has grown since I left. We have talked every night since I've been gone (minus 2). And that never happens. I just miss her. I miss my friends- Beth & Danielle, and Danielle's family. I want to get loved on. And just enjoy the day that I have with them. I hope I don't take it for granted. I mean, I want to sleep in on Saturday (tomorrow is going to be a LONNNNNNNG day), but I want to use my time wisely and spend it with as many people as possible.
Please pray for me..... and my aching heart.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
West Side
Last week at my functional capacity evaluation, I got to talking with the secretary about my recent move (as she was putting my information in the computer system). She asked me if I had friends and family around here, to which I replied no. She frowned and gave me an empathetic look. She asked if I went to church, and I said yes, but I was looking for one here. She told me about hers and asked if I would be interested. YES! I exclaimed! So while I was filling out papers, she got on their website and printed off information about their young adults & singles groups, along with directions from my apartment (she really went the long mile for me, huh?).
When I got home, I looked up their website and searched around. It sounded like a great, growing, lively church. So all week I have been looking forward to going. I was so excited about connecting with a church family, that I could hardly sleep last night. I kept thinking how wonderful it was going to be to just walk into a community like that and feel connected to everyone, just because of our Savior.
I left early, even though I had directions, in case I had trouble finding it. Instead, from the interstate, I saw this HUGE church with the church's name plastered on the side. My jaw dropped. What?! That is so much different than the little Coldwater Church of the Nazarene! I pulled into the parking lot to see hundreds of people and families walking to their cars (the last service had just gotten out). As you pull in, there's a man standing next to a sign to stop and get information for guests. So I pulled over to the side and he gave me a map of the building, and showed me where the guest parking was. So I parked the car and told myself it wasn't too late to go to a smaller church. haha. But I got out and walked up to the door. People were taking pictures outside, playing in the sunshine, enjoying the beautiful day. I walked in and one of the ladies saw me carrying a map, and asked if I needed help finding anything. So I told her it was my first Sunday. She walked me to the worship center, so I wouldn't look like a fool trying to find it.
I sat down in the middle, not knowing there was a specific section for the young adults. I stared at the stage in awe- it was huge! Very beautifully lit! I observed people walking in, as they began to fill the congregation for worship. It is so different from the 8 rows of seats I am used to. There are probably about 20 on the lower level, and a balcony full of seating!
As worship began, I felt like I fit right in. It was all contemporary worship- Beautiful One, Amazing Grace, Mighty to Save.... some of my favorite songs. It has been such a long time since I've experienced worship like that. I am not dogging on my church at home, but their worship is lacking. Worship is a HUGE part of the service to me, because I have such a passion for music. And to honor God by lifting praise to Him through that medium is something I am very fond of. So it excited me that their worship was so strong and powerful! The service was GREAT too. My first impression of the pastor- 1) he's young and 2) he's HILARIOUS! I laughed so much!!!! Everyone did- it echoed from everywhere, balcony and all. That made me smile. So many of us laughing together.
The message was a powerful one. The pastor read from Philippians 2:3, 5-8, mostly focusing on the third verse, which reads "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." It was just a powerful message, because I am so sarcastic. And he spoke a lot about experience with sarcasm, and how it can be done for the wrong reason, not bringing glory to God. It helped me to be more consciously aware of why I am saying the things I am doing, and to think about their purpose before saying them. I have had such a strong desire to really help and SERVE. So he spoke about serving opportunities within the church, and stuff like that. I think the last verse of that passage also hit me pretty hard. I will insert that as well, so you can see the pastor's illustration: "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!" I felt like I was served a big piece of humble pie, after absorbing those words. Christ made himself a servant. A lowly servant, for the cause of His Father. And how humbling it was to die on a cross. He could have asked God to just be served a poisonous leaf and die for our sins, but He instead hung on a cross- the most embarrassing, humiliating way to die in front of hundreds of people, as they mocked Him. My heart broke as he emphasized that point.
I sat there, thinking about the message and ways that I need to humble myself before my Father. As the message came to a wrap, we sang "At The Cross" by Hillsong. I had never heard the song, so I was merely reading the words on the screen, getting accustomed to the beat before I would step out and sing. My eyes welled with tears as I continued reading the lyrics, each verse and chorus becoming more powerful and humbling...... I will leave you with the lyrics..... really think about them, and let them speak to you about the amazing, wonderful love of Christ.....
Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me
At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now
You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me
****** I think one of the reasons this song was so powerful to me, is that I had been talking with God this week, begging Him to show me His love. It has been lonely, not knowing anyone, or seeing God through anyone this week. And I was just longing for that interaction, that communication of love. I was telling Him that I thought He had led me here, but I needed confirmation. So where it says "You go before me, You shield my way, Your hand upholds me, I know You love me" is when I really started to get choked up- He was speaking to me through that.... saying "You know these things, Autumn. Don't ever think differently".
When I got home, I looked up their website and searched around. It sounded like a great, growing, lively church. So all week I have been looking forward to going. I was so excited about connecting with a church family, that I could hardly sleep last night. I kept thinking how wonderful it was going to be to just walk into a community like that and feel connected to everyone, just because of our Savior.
I left early, even though I had directions, in case I had trouble finding it. Instead, from the interstate, I saw this HUGE church with the church's name plastered on the side. My jaw dropped. What?! That is so much different than the little Coldwater Church of the Nazarene! I pulled into the parking lot to see hundreds of people and families walking to their cars (the last service had just gotten out). As you pull in, there's a man standing next to a sign to stop and get information for guests. So I pulled over to the side and he gave me a map of the building, and showed me where the guest parking was. So I parked the car and told myself it wasn't too late to go to a smaller church. haha. But I got out and walked up to the door. People were taking pictures outside, playing in the sunshine, enjoying the beautiful day. I walked in and one of the ladies saw me carrying a map, and asked if I needed help finding anything. So I told her it was my first Sunday. She walked me to the worship center, so I wouldn't look like a fool trying to find it.
I sat down in the middle, not knowing there was a specific section for the young adults. I stared at the stage in awe- it was huge! Very beautifully lit! I observed people walking in, as they began to fill the congregation for worship. It is so different from the 8 rows of seats I am used to. There are probably about 20 on the lower level, and a balcony full of seating!
As worship began, I felt like I fit right in. It was all contemporary worship- Beautiful One, Amazing Grace, Mighty to Save.... some of my favorite songs. It has been such a long time since I've experienced worship like that. I am not dogging on my church at home, but their worship is lacking. Worship is a HUGE part of the service to me, because I have such a passion for music. And to honor God by lifting praise to Him through that medium is something I am very fond of. So it excited me that their worship was so strong and powerful! The service was GREAT too. My first impression of the pastor- 1) he's young and 2) he's HILARIOUS! I laughed so much!!!! Everyone did- it echoed from everywhere, balcony and all. That made me smile. So many of us laughing together.
The message was a powerful one. The pastor read from Philippians 2:3, 5-8, mostly focusing on the third verse, which reads "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." It was just a powerful message, because I am so sarcastic. And he spoke a lot about experience with sarcasm, and how it can be done for the wrong reason, not bringing glory to God. It helped me to be more consciously aware of why I am saying the things I am doing, and to think about their purpose before saying them. I have had such a strong desire to really help and SERVE. So he spoke about serving opportunities within the church, and stuff like that. I think the last verse of that passage also hit me pretty hard. I will insert that as well, so you can see the pastor's illustration: "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!" I felt like I was served a big piece of humble pie, after absorbing those words. Christ made himself a servant. A lowly servant, for the cause of His Father. And how humbling it was to die on a cross. He could have asked God to just be served a poisonous leaf and die for our sins, but He instead hung on a cross- the most embarrassing, humiliating way to die in front of hundreds of people, as they mocked Him. My heart broke as he emphasized that point.
I sat there, thinking about the message and ways that I need to humble myself before my Father. As the message came to a wrap, we sang "At The Cross" by Hillsong. I had never heard the song, so I was merely reading the words on the screen, getting accustomed to the beat before I would step out and sing. My eyes welled with tears as I continued reading the lyrics, each verse and chorus becoming more powerful and humbling...... I will leave you with the lyrics..... really think about them, and let them speak to you about the amazing, wonderful love of Christ.....
Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me
At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now
You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me
****** I think one of the reasons this song was so powerful to me, is that I had been talking with God this week, begging Him to show me His love. It has been lonely, not knowing anyone, or seeing God through anyone this week. And I was just longing for that interaction, that communication of love. I was telling Him that I thought He had led me here, but I needed confirmation. So where it says "You go before me, You shield my way, Your hand upholds me, I know You love me" is when I really started to get choked up- He was speaking to me through that.... saying "You know these things, Autumn. Don't ever think differently".
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
there's a song I know pt. 2
Today was pretty funny, which is why I am even bothering to post another blog about it. Because I have a bad back and injured my wrist recently, I had to go get evaluated on my capabilities & limitations. Well I was thinking it was going to take forever, as they allotted 2 hours for it. I had to push & pull the therapist's arm to show resistance. After all of that stuff, he put me on a treadmill.... oh yippee, right? The point was I had to walk 1/4 of a mile in under 5 minutes, so we set the pace at 3 miles per hour. He was like "if you want to get it done faster, you can adjust the speed! It might be fun to see how fast you can walk". So I cruised it on up to the point where I was struggling to stay on pace, because my legs didn't want to move that quickly. Haha. It was pretty funny. Entertaining, I am sure. After that, I had to lift different amounts of weight (in a crate) off the floor. Mind you I had gas this morning...... so I'm sure you know what the TYPICAL Autumn does at moments like these..... can you predict? Well as soon as I bend over to get the crate, I fart.... right next to the therapist. Thankfully it was like a squeeky one, so it sounded like my shoe or something. He either didn't notice or pretended not to notice, bless his heart. I had to lift from 25-55 lbs repeatedly. Then I had to walk the weights 10 feet apart, set them down, pick them up, then walk them back 5 times. Then I had to walk the 55 lbs across the room and back. It was a chore, let me tell you. Then he measured the force of my grip, my push, and my pull. I had to play with a rope above my head for a minute, to make sure that I can work over my head for a minute (random). Then I had to push him around in a wheelchair up and down the halls, not hitting anything.
All in all it took like 30 minutes, which I was thankful for. I had fun! And it was a good workout. I was definitely sweating & felt good from lifting & carrying the weights (as well as my swift walk ;-)). So I ran home to shower before the cable guy came.... well he came early, just as I stepped foot out of the shower. So I had to quick throw clothes on, then answer the door all wet-headed and everything. Sweet. I think he was paranoid, poor guy, because I sat there watching him, like it would help him to move faster or something. I just wanted the freaking cable & internet hooked up so badly. When he left, I chatted with Beth for quite a while, before I set up my wireless network (the informational packet gave me crap directions that didn't work.... but I STRONGLY recommend the hotline, which gives you different instructions that actually WORK). So now I am sitting in my living room, watching TV and accessing wireless. :-D
And I'm paying for it........
how weird is this?
All in all it took like 30 minutes, which I was thankful for. I had fun! And it was a good workout. I was definitely sweating & felt good from lifting & carrying the weights (as well as my swift walk ;-)). So I ran home to shower before the cable guy came.... well he came early, just as I stepped foot out of the shower. So I had to quick throw clothes on, then answer the door all wet-headed and everything. Sweet. I think he was paranoid, poor guy, because I sat there watching him, like it would help him to move faster or something. I just wanted the freaking cable & internet hooked up so badly. When he left, I chatted with Beth for quite a while, before I set up my wireless network (the informational packet gave me crap directions that didn't work.... but I STRONGLY recommend the hotline, which gives you different instructions that actually WORK). So now I am sitting in my living room, watching TV and accessing wireless. :-D
And I'm paying for it........
how weird is this?
there's a song I know....
There's a song that I know that goes "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. do you know what that mean?" Why yes. Yes I do. I have never experienced that in such a real way as in the last week, especially.
I arrived at my apartment Friday at noon. I went through the inspection with one of the ladies from the office, and she handed me the keys. I immediately turned the air on (thanks for having that already on for me, I appreciate it- she chucked as she said "usually they have that turned on for your move in day!") well they didn't, and I sweat some pounds off carrying my belongings up 3 flights of stairs on a HOT, sunny day..... it was pleasant, can't you tell? :-)
I set up my kitchen, bathroom, and part of my closet while I waited for my mom, scott & Paige to arrive (to give me something to do). I got all of this done and took a nap before they got here, shortly after 9 IL time. They were hungry, so we unloaded the stuff in the truck bed, then went to Sonic (my first time!!!). My report: it is GOOOOOOOOD! So good, they wanted to go for lunch the next day. Haha. But we worked it off with a bajillion trips up and down the stairs, so I was ok with it.
We spent Saturday morning unloading everything, before the sun came up and toasted us all (though we got toasted anyway, with all that physical activity). I began unpacking all of the boxes and placing stuff where I wanted it while they set up my bed & helped me arrange furniture the way I wanted it. Saturday night we then went to Staples to get my desk, as well as to the mall so Paige could do her school clothes shopping. We also made a trip to Walmart to get lightbulbs (to save energy) and some other stuff that I needed (that was my like third trip to Walmart in 24 hours haha).
Saturday night we went to possibly one of, if not, my favorite places to eat: Outback. It had been over 2 years since I had a bloomin' onion. I was stoooked for it! That night when we got back, Paige & I set out to put my entertainment center & desk chair together while Scott replaced my lightbulbs. We couldn't do much more, since it was already past midnight and we had to hammer nails in stuff. So we went to bed.
The next morning was tough. All morning I kept trying to soak in their presence because I know it will be a while before I see them again. Before they got in the truck to head off, my mom hugged me and began to cry. Her last baby is now independent, and 6 hours from home. I fought back the tears- I knew if I wasn't strong for her, we were both not going to handle this idea well. So I fought them back.... until they pulled out of the driveway. Then I b r o k e. That was the last time I would see familiar faces for a while.
It is scary being here by myself.... it's so different than anything I've ever done before. I can't just get up and drive over to my friend's when I am bored.......
Which reminds me, I didn't get my internet & cable hooked up until TODAY! So I was 3 days without anything to do.... I was bored out of my mind!
I am going to post pt. 2 to this blog so it's not overwhelming, because it's already getting long......
I arrived at my apartment Friday at noon. I went through the inspection with one of the ladies from the office, and she handed me the keys. I immediately turned the air on (thanks for having that already on for me, I appreciate it- she chucked as she said "usually they have that turned on for your move in day!") well they didn't, and I sweat some pounds off carrying my belongings up 3 flights of stairs on a HOT, sunny day..... it was pleasant, can't you tell? :-)
I set up my kitchen, bathroom, and part of my closet while I waited for my mom, scott & Paige to arrive (to give me something to do). I got all of this done and took a nap before they got here, shortly after 9 IL time. They were hungry, so we unloaded the stuff in the truck bed, then went to Sonic (my first time!!!). My report: it is GOOOOOOOOD! So good, they wanted to go for lunch the next day. Haha. But we worked it off with a bajillion trips up and down the stairs, so I was ok with it.
We spent Saturday morning unloading everything, before the sun came up and toasted us all (though we got toasted anyway, with all that physical activity). I began unpacking all of the boxes and placing stuff where I wanted it while they set up my bed & helped me arrange furniture the way I wanted it. Saturday night we then went to Staples to get my desk, as well as to the mall so Paige could do her school clothes shopping. We also made a trip to Walmart to get lightbulbs (to save energy) and some other stuff that I needed (that was my like third trip to Walmart in 24 hours haha).
Saturday night we went to possibly one of, if not, my favorite places to eat: Outback. It had been over 2 years since I had a bloomin' onion. I was stoooked for it! That night when we got back, Paige & I set out to put my entertainment center & desk chair together while Scott replaced my lightbulbs. We couldn't do much more, since it was already past midnight and we had to hammer nails in stuff. So we went to bed.
The next morning was tough. All morning I kept trying to soak in their presence because I know it will be a while before I see them again. Before they got in the truck to head off, my mom hugged me and began to cry. Her last baby is now independent, and 6 hours from home. I fought back the tears- I knew if I wasn't strong for her, we were both not going to handle this idea well. So I fought them back.... until they pulled out of the driveway. Then I b r o k e. That was the last time I would see familiar faces for a while.
It is scary being here by myself.... it's so different than anything I've ever done before. I can't just get up and drive over to my friend's when I am bored.......
Which reminds me, I didn't get my internet & cable hooked up until TODAY! So I was 3 days without anything to do.... I was bored out of my mind!
I am going to post pt. 2 to this blog so it's not overwhelming, because it's already getting long......
Thursday, August 21, 2008
blessed, and so undeserving
Tonight I have been reminded of how truly blessed I am.....
I was not having the best of days yesterday, after a rather unpleasant conversation with my dad. I was heartbroken.... he always gets mad that I don't call, but every time I do call, it turns out like that. By the end of the conversation, we were both pretty heated, waiting for the other person to really accept and listen to what we have said. That's just it, I wish he'd listen. Not just hear the noise, but process what I am saying.
I was not having the best of days yesterday, after a rather unpleasant conversation with my dad. I was heartbroken.... he always gets mad that I don't call, but every time I do call, it turns out like that. By the end of the conversation, we were both pretty heated, waiting for the other person to really accept and listen to what we have said. That's just it, I wish he'd listen. Not just hear the noise, but process what I am saying.
After the conversation, I texted a dear friend of mine, Justin, and asked if he would please pray for me, as I was a bit shaken up, and on my way to a CPR class, so I had to gain my composure quickly. Instead of just saying "right on, dude" (for those of you that know him, you can almost hear him saying that, because it's exactly how he talks :-)), he typed his prayer out. It blesses my soul when people do that. It's so powerful to know that a) they are faithful to carry out your prayer request, and b) what they are praying for. It just blows me away how obedient, and with one he is with God. Wow. Ever since I've met him, I've noticed something different about him. His passion is so evident right from "hello". He has a passion to know people, to hear their stories, to present their requests before his Heavenly Father, and to see change. Anyway, even from texting back and forth for a couple of minutes, my heart and mind were completely at ease. He said something powerful, when I expressed my frustration with irresponsible parents... he encouraged me by reminding me that "God is intimately involved" in the situation. I re-read that a couple of times. God is intimately involved. Intimacy is so personal. It means that God is close to my situation. He is familiar with my situation. He is aware of every little detail; I could fully explain to one of my friends the past with my parents, and the distance that has formed. But never could I explain the situation completely. They would not fully comprehend the pain, the hurt, the sense of abandonment... you can forgive, but you don't forget. Only God knows the completeness of the situation. And He cares for me.... that is powerful in itself.
What a wonderful thing Justin did, by setting the phrasing up like he did. I am blessed to know such wise people; not just filled with earthly wisdom, but Heavenly wisdom. It is a gift. That phrase has been lingering in my head since I read it. I think it is also so powerful because it reminds me that God created me, and He knows my innermost being. When I feel alone and betrayed, God is there. He is holding me in the palm of His hand. The same Hand that taught the stars how to shine. How beautiful......
And tonight, I was catching up with an old friend, Jason. I haven't talked to him in easily over a year. When we began chatting, we dove into conversation like we would if we had been chatting on a regular basis; like there was no distance between us whatsoever. Usually when situations like that happen, after such a significant amount of time has passed, there is a tinge of awkwardness. But there was not even a hint of uneasiness as we spoke. And our conversation reaked of Jesus. Right from the start, it was God-centered. It blessed my soul, as he asked about situations that I asked him to pray for last. How faithful he is, to remember! How faithful is our God? That He would allow us to have friends like these, and send us reminders of how personal He is, right when we need them the most?
Towards the end of our conversation, Jason mentioned my blogs, how he used to read them (back in the myspace day.....) and he was encouraged and inspired. From me? Really? Are you serious? I didn't think I had an impact on people, but he said how many times he learned from my obedience to tell what was on my heart. So I felt like that was God's way of telling me to blog about what was on my heart. I hope this encourages you, because I am overwhelmed with joy tonight, at this encounter. With this reminder. God cares about every single detail of your life. And He's waiting so patiently for you to approach Him. It amazes me at how patient God is.... sometimes I keep Him waiting for a very long time. I am so unworthy of the blessings that He so graciously pours over me. What a blessing alone that true friendship is. I am so thankful for these encounters with these tremendous men of God, for their obedience and compassion.
God is good..... see for yourself.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
p.a.i.n.
My heart is so heavy tonight, with such an aching pain..... I've felt like my heart was ripped from my chest numerous times today, when it felt like my lungs would not work (weird feeling, have you ever felt like that; where your lungs were too numb to exhale and too full to inhale anymore?). I will recall two of those moments.....
Today we had an extension on our family reunion; like the old days, we got together the day after to eat left over food and converse with those we didn't have a chance to the day before. I rode my bike down to the park (a few blocks) to where everyone was gathered. Towards the end of the afternoon, my grandma (left in the picture) and her two sisters walked up to the bathroom. Now this is quite an accomplishment; the bathrooms were a couple of football fields away from where we were located, and two of these women have a difficult time getting around. On their way back, after catching their breath for a while, they began to talk about how good it was to see each other. They grabbed each other's hands, and my Aunt Irene (right in picture) mentioned that this could be the last time they were all holding hands; a sad but painfully true realization. Aunt Irene then said "If I get to Heaven before you two, I will wait at the gate so we can walk in hand-in-hand". That already broke my heart, just to think that it probably was the last time they were going to see each other; my Aunt Irene has been ill, which is why this is the first time in 6 years that she and my Uncle Ike were able to make the drive for the reunion. From that moment on, they were inseparable the rest of the afternoon; they all sat together on a park bench, talking and holding each other. It was one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Then it came time to say our goodbyes. So we all hugged one another, kissed each other's cheeks and said how good it was to see the other person. The time came when my grandma hugged her sister, Irene, goodbye. They began to sob in each other's arms. My Aunt Mary (the third sister) rushed over and wrapped her arms around the both of them. All three held each other and cried, again at the fact that this was probably their last goodbye. My heart ACHED so badly when I saw this..... oh gosh, the air went in my lungs and wouldn't come out. I had to walk away and think of something else to not join in the sobfest. They're all so close and fond of each other; relationships of over 75 years strong. Honestly, one of the most beautiful yet heartbreaking moments I have ever witnessed in my entire life.
And the next...... I've come to the realization that I have to say goodbye to my family tomorrow. I've never been good with goodbyes, but this one's always the toughest: Nate, Heidi & Landunn. They arrived here Thursday afternoon and are leaving tomorrow night (so Landunn can sleep in the car through the night/meat of the drive). It seems like they just got here; such a tease that they leave so soon. For those of you that don't know, Landunn is the love of my life. This kid has more personality than half of the people that I know (ok maybe a quarter ;-) but still....). From the minute I laid eyes on him, I fell in love, and I fell hard. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for this little boy. It took him a while to warm up to everyone, being so young and not seeing us for quite a few months, but he's finally back up to par, hugging and lovin' on us. I am biased, but I think he is the most adorable little boy in the entire world. I hate knowing that he's growing up so quickly, and I haven't been able to be part of his life in the process, with them living so far away. It makes me want to move down to Florida in a heartbeat, but I know that in the process of growing up, we each have to go our own way and do what's best for us. They're only a plane flight away! It won't be that bad, right? I'm not just having a hard time saying goodbye to Landunn, though he's a huge part of it. I'm so close to Heidi.... she has been my closest friend for the past 6 years of my life! She knows everything about me. Everything. And she's the only person I can say that about. She's my very, very best friend, and I am hers, and I am so thankful to call her sister as well. It has torn my world apart being in this town without her; I am so used to just driving over to their house if I am having a bad day, or for dinner, or just for the heck of it. I miss them being so close, that I can go over there (my 2nd home) and just vent or simply be in their presence. It's taken a lot of getting used to to not have her around. This weekend has been so wonderful, to be able to touch her, and talk to her face to face. And to see my brother.... oh Heavens. How wonderful is he? I'm so proud of the husband that he is- how wonderfully he treats Heidi, especially since she is pregnant with his daughter. And what an amazing father he is. AMAZING. He is sooooooo good with Landunn; he is straight up daddy's boy, hands down. He wants to do everything like and with Nate. It blesses my heart so much to think of how much Nate has grown. At one point I wanted to give up on him, to stop praying, thinking that it was foolish of me to ever think he could fall in love with Jesus.... and here he was tonight telling me how important it is for me to find a good church as soon as I get to Springfield. He's become the spiritual leader that every man should be, openly talking about his faith, in a very real, honest way. He's so laid back, and he constantly gives me a reality check. He's like a father(ish) to me too- tonight he and Heidi sat down and helped me create a budget (I AM GROWING UP!!!!!!!!!!!) for my new job. Gosh, I cannot even express how much my heart needed this weekend. I have been waiting for so long to see them again.... and they leave in less than 24 hours.... back 5 states away. It breaks my heart. I am horrible with goodbyes, but I think tomorrow's goodbye is by far the hardest one I've ever had to say. Ever. It was hard when they moved down to FL in February, but I knew when exactly I would see them next. This time, nothing's written in stone. Landunn will probably be inches taller, and his vocabulary trippled.
......when I look at this face, my world feels like it's alright. Like everything is perfect. Love is a wonderful, painful thing.
Today we had an extension on our family reunion; like the old days, we got together the day after to eat left over food and converse with those we didn't have a chance to the day before. I rode my bike down to the park (a few blocks) to where everyone was gathered. Towards the end of the afternoon, my grandma (left in the picture) and her two sisters walked up to the bathroom. Now this is quite an accomplishment; the bathrooms were a couple of football fields away from where we were located, and two of these women have a difficult time getting around. On their way back, after catching their breath for a while, they began to talk about how good it was to see each other. They grabbed each other's hands, and my Aunt Irene (right in picture) mentioned that this could be the last time they were all holding hands; a sad but painfully true realization. Aunt Irene then said "If I get to Heaven before you two, I will wait at the gate so we can walk in hand-in-hand". That already broke my heart, just to think that it probably was the last time they were going to see each other; my Aunt Irene has been ill, which is why this is the first time in 6 years that she and my Uncle Ike were able to make the drive for the reunion. From that moment on, they were inseparable the rest of the afternoon; they all sat together on a park bench, talking and holding each other. It was one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Then it came time to say our goodbyes. So we all hugged one another, kissed each other's cheeks and said how good it was to see the other person. The time came when my grandma hugged her sister, Irene, goodbye. They began to sob in each other's arms. My Aunt Mary (the third sister) rushed over and wrapped her arms around the both of them. All three held each other and cried, again at the fact that this was probably their last goodbye. My heart ACHED so badly when I saw this..... oh gosh, the air went in my lungs and wouldn't come out. I had to walk away and think of something else to not join in the sobfest. They're all so close and fond of each other; relationships of over 75 years strong. Honestly, one of the most beautiful yet heartbreaking moments I have ever witnessed in my entire life.
And the next...... I've come to the realization that I have to say goodbye to my family tomorrow. I've never been good with goodbyes, but this one's always the toughest: Nate, Heidi & Landunn. They arrived here Thursday afternoon and are leaving tomorrow night (so Landunn can sleep in the car through the night/meat of the drive). It seems like they just got here; such a tease that they leave so soon. For those of you that don't know, Landunn is the love of my life. This kid has more personality than half of the people that I know (ok maybe a quarter ;-) but still....). From the minute I laid eyes on him, I fell in love, and I fell hard. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for this little boy. It took him a while to warm up to everyone, being so young and not seeing us for quite a few months, but he's finally back up to par, hugging and lovin' on us. I am biased, but I think he is the most adorable little boy in the entire world. I hate knowing that he's growing up so quickly, and I haven't been able to be part of his life in the process, with them living so far away. It makes me want to move down to Florida in a heartbeat, but I know that in the process of growing up, we each have to go our own way and do what's best for us. They're only a plane flight away! It won't be that bad, right? I'm not just having a hard time saying goodbye to Landunn, though he's a huge part of it. I'm so close to Heidi.... she has been my closest friend for the past 6 years of my life! She knows everything about me. Everything. And she's the only person I can say that about. She's my very, very best friend, and I am hers, and I am so thankful to call her sister as well. It has torn my world apart being in this town without her; I am so used to just driving over to their house if I am having a bad day, or for dinner, or just for the heck of it. I miss them being so close, that I can go over there (my 2nd home) and just vent or simply be in their presence. It's taken a lot of getting used to to not have her around. This weekend has been so wonderful, to be able to touch her, and talk to her face to face. And to see my brother.... oh Heavens. How wonderful is he? I'm so proud of the husband that he is- how wonderfully he treats Heidi, especially since she is pregnant with his daughter. And what an amazing father he is. AMAZING. He is sooooooo good with Landunn; he is straight up daddy's boy, hands down. He wants to do everything like and with Nate. It blesses my heart so much to think of how much Nate has grown. At one point I wanted to give up on him, to stop praying, thinking that it was foolish of me to ever think he could fall in love with Jesus.... and here he was tonight telling me how important it is for me to find a good church as soon as I get to Springfield. He's become the spiritual leader that every man should be, openly talking about his faith, in a very real, honest way. He's so laid back, and he constantly gives me a reality check. He's like a father(ish) to me too- tonight he and Heidi sat down and helped me create a budget (I AM GROWING UP!!!!!!!!!!!) for my new job. Gosh, I cannot even express how much my heart needed this weekend. I have been waiting for so long to see them again.... and they leave in less than 24 hours.... back 5 states away. It breaks my heart. I am horrible with goodbyes, but I think tomorrow's goodbye is by far the hardest one I've ever had to say. Ever. It was hard when they moved down to FL in February, but I knew when exactly I would see them next. This time, nothing's written in stone. Landunn will probably be inches taller, and his vocabulary trippled.
......when I look at this face, my world feels like it's alright. Like everything is perfect. Love is a wonderful, painful thing.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
weddings get me thinking.....
A lot of my friends and cousins have been getting married lately (guess it's a summer thing). I will be in two weddings next summer too, so I've been helping plan those or seeing what I can do to help out (we all know it's kind of a bridesmaid's duty). And it's made me start thinking about my own. NO- I am not engaged nor am I even close to a potential dating mate. It's kind of funny to even think about, but let's face it; every girl dreams about her wedding for YEARS. She dreams about her dress, her bridesmaids in their dresses, what the reception site will be like, how many people will be there to show their support. She thinks about her daddy walking her down the aisle, and gazing into her lover's eyes as she walks down the aisle towards him, to spend forever staring in his eyes.
My wedding is going to be so completely far from everything I imagined it to be. Not the traditional wedding by any means; I mean, who is going to walk me down the aisle? Typically the father walks the daughter down the aisle, to give her hand to her husband signifying that the husband will protect and guide her from that point. Those of you that know me know that my dad hasn't been a big part of my life, so having him walk me down the aisle isn't even in question; he hasn't earned the honor and right. So I thought about having my brothers walk me down the aisle, because they've been my protectors and best friends. But I have 3 of them and only 2 arms to hold on to. It would be awkward for the third to walk behind; how would I even decide which two walked by my side and who walked behind? That's not fair. In previous years, I thought that my friend and father-figure, Rich, would marry me (not MARRY me, marry me, but be the pastor conducting the ceremony). But in recent days I've thought about having him walk me down the aisle. Should I even have anyone walk me down the aisle? I think I will be too nervous, jittery, and emotional to walk down by myself, with all eyes on me only.
And what about the daddy-daughter dance? Would it be awkward to just have my first dance with my husband and then cut to the mother-son dance? Without a daddy-daughter dance? I think it'd be kind of fun to dance with all 3 of my brothers. Start off dancing the song with my brother, Nate (he's the oldest), then have Brandon tap him on the shoulder and cut in, then have Aaron step in. That'd be cute :-) And I'd get to dance with 3 handsome men. BONUS! haha.
It just saddens me that due to some people's poor decisions, my wedding will not be the way I had always imagined it. But nevertheless, it will be the biggest day of my life...... and it will be spectacular!
My wedding is going to be so completely far from everything I imagined it to be. Not the traditional wedding by any means; I mean, who is going to walk me down the aisle? Typically the father walks the daughter down the aisle, to give her hand to her husband signifying that the husband will protect and guide her from that point. Those of you that know me know that my dad hasn't been a big part of my life, so having him walk me down the aisle isn't even in question; he hasn't earned the honor and right. So I thought about having my brothers walk me down the aisle, because they've been my protectors and best friends. But I have 3 of them and only 2 arms to hold on to. It would be awkward for the third to walk behind; how would I even decide which two walked by my side and who walked behind? That's not fair. In previous years, I thought that my friend and father-figure, Rich, would marry me (not MARRY me, marry me, but be the pastor conducting the ceremony). But in recent days I've thought about having him walk me down the aisle. Should I even have anyone walk me down the aisle? I think I will be too nervous, jittery, and emotional to walk down by myself, with all eyes on me only.
And what about the daddy-daughter dance? Would it be awkward to just have my first dance with my husband and then cut to the mother-son dance? Without a daddy-daughter dance? I think it'd be kind of fun to dance with all 3 of my brothers. Start off dancing the song with my brother, Nate (he's the oldest), then have Brandon tap him on the shoulder and cut in, then have Aaron step in. That'd be cute :-) And I'd get to dance with 3 handsome men. BONUS! haha.
It just saddens me that due to some people's poor decisions, my wedding will not be the way I had always imagined it. But nevertheless, it will be the biggest day of my life...... and it will be spectacular!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Mr. and Mrs. Rose
My cousin, Adam, got married today to his girlfriend of 11 years (on and off). ELEVEN YEARS! I cannot imagine the excitement they shared as they said their vows today. It's crazy to me that some couples can wait so long, when others "know" they're ready to get married after like 4 months. I'm about to offer my two cents: you don't KNOW someone after just 4 months. What happens when the butterflies fade? You're left with a stranger.... I'm not going to get into that. Watch me "know" after 4 months. Please hunt me down and punch me in the face if that's the case. Remind me that I am not in love after 4 months.....
Their wedding was beautiful! Gosh, it doesn't hurt that they're amazingly attractive looking, as well as their entire wedding party. Seriously. Looked like a bunch of models up there.
It was so good to spend time with my cousins at the reception. I've missed those handsome boys of mine.
So here's to 50 years, Adam and Jen...... *raises my glass* I know you can do it.
Adam and Jen saying their vows
I love that the girls are holding the golf clubs, and the guys are holding the flowers.
gorgeous colors! Too bad it looks like the petals are pelting Adam's face.
cutting the cake (good thing it wasn't the cheese ;-) )
AVERY!!!!!! I've missed this man somethin' fierce. It was soooo good to see him. (he's my younger cousin... by one year)
Do I not have some of the best looking cousins ever?
me with the handsome groom. Congratulations, Smiley ;-)
My GORGEOUS aunt. Seriously, she looked smokin' hot.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
welcome to adulthood
I left Saturday to go down to Illinois for an interview in Springfield. I figured if I was traveling through, I would seize the opportunity to stop at Aaron & Alysha's for a night. It was fun spending time with them, and seeing Manny. We endulged in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8aT0UFc that video several times, laughing HYSTERICALLY. And now Aaron finds it necessary to speak like Batman at all times now. It's hilarious to me, but I know Alysha will get sick of it fast. We also watched us some Shark Week (why do sharks have an entire week dedicated to themselves? Why isn't there turtle week or giraffe week?).
Sunday I drove to Bloomington and met up with Hanna, which was sooo good. We went to Chipotle for dinner, and went to Cold Stone for dessert :-) Delight. We drove to Ande's house late Sunday night, so I could be closer to Springfield, and wouldn't have to leave so early in the morning.
I wasn't able to sleep really well Sunday night. I slept in Ande's bed while the rest of them slept in the living room. They were trying to give me a good night's sleep. But really I just kept thinking about the interview; questions they would ask, intelligent answers to respond with... ya know, typical jitters. I finally crashed sometime after 3 and was wide awake at 5 freaking 30! So I got up and got around. I wasn't nervous as I was getting around. In fact, I wasn't nervous until I pulled into the human resources parking lot that morning. I think it had to do with the prayers; all of my girls texted me that morning/afternoon saying they were praying for me, and Ande's mom prayed with me before I left (which meant a lot to me).
The interview(s) went well- with human resources & with the unit director. I felt completely comfortable being myself around the director; she was soooooo friendly and energetic, wanted to get to know ME (not my nursing capabilities or qualifications, she asked a lot of questions about ME; she can read about my qualifications on my resume). She showed me around the unit, and I felt a peace. Everyone was soooo friendly. Oh my word, one of the most laid back atmospheres I've seen in a hospital.
I met up with Hanna for lunch afterwards, and my mom suggested I stay another night and spend some time with Ande, since I only saw her for a few minutes before I went to bed. She was excited to have me stay again. We spent time with her brothers watching movies and watching their baseball games before we went to bed. I left shortly after I got up the next morning. Gosh, it was incredible to spend time with her and get to know her family. They are incredible people. It's always encouraging when you see a healthily functioning family. THEY DO EXIST! haha. Praise the Lord.
On the way home I debated if this is the job I wanted. It's so far from everyone, except for Ande, but that's still an hour plus drive. I want to work with peds, and this is strictly an adult unit. But the more and more I thought about it, the more I think this is my best option. I am no where NEAR ready to deal with confused, scared, upset parents. I think it will be best for me to get experience with different treatments, and skills before I enter pediatric oncology.
So with a lot of prayer and support from family and friends, I accepted a full-time position at Memorial Medical Center today. I start September 8th, but I have to be moved in and sign papers August 26th. That is just over three weeks away!!!! Oh my word...... I've had so much on my mind lately; I have so much stuff to take care of before I go. I have to get a bunch of papers and documents around for the hospital, I have to find and make a payment on an apartment, I need to keep my eyes peeled for a car, I have to take my CPR recertification course.... I'm reminded of a song right now... good ole' MXPX "Responsibility, what's that? Responsibility not quite yet. Responsibility, what's that? I don't want to think about it; we'd be better off without it." You punk-ers might remember that song.
I'm an adult... with a REAL job. And before I know it (ready or not), I will have to start making payments; apartment, student loans, car, insurance, phone....... it stresses me out to think about, quite frankly. But I need to be prepared.
Please pray for me. As exciting as this is, I have a lot of emotions. I'll be moving away from close friends, out of the house I've lived in for 22 years, and lonely as can be for the first few weeks probably, until I start making friends and getting involved in a church. I need to be covered in prayer right now as I embark on this journey, and I thank you ahead of time for being faithful to pray.
Sunday I drove to Bloomington and met up with Hanna, which was sooo good. We went to Chipotle for dinner, and went to Cold Stone for dessert :-) Delight. We drove to Ande's house late Sunday night, so I could be closer to Springfield, and wouldn't have to leave so early in the morning.
I wasn't able to sleep really well Sunday night. I slept in Ande's bed while the rest of them slept in the living room. They were trying to give me a good night's sleep. But really I just kept thinking about the interview; questions they would ask, intelligent answers to respond with... ya know, typical jitters. I finally crashed sometime after 3 and was wide awake at 5 freaking 30! So I got up and got around. I wasn't nervous as I was getting around. In fact, I wasn't nervous until I pulled into the human resources parking lot that morning. I think it had to do with the prayers; all of my girls texted me that morning/afternoon saying they were praying for me, and Ande's mom prayed with me before I left (which meant a lot to me).
The interview(s) went well- with human resources & with the unit director. I felt completely comfortable being myself around the director; she was soooooo friendly and energetic, wanted to get to know ME (not my nursing capabilities or qualifications, she asked a lot of questions about ME; she can read about my qualifications on my resume). She showed me around the unit, and I felt a peace. Everyone was soooo friendly. Oh my word, one of the most laid back atmospheres I've seen in a hospital.
I met up with Hanna for lunch afterwards, and my mom suggested I stay another night and spend some time with Ande, since I only saw her for a few minutes before I went to bed. She was excited to have me stay again. We spent time with her brothers watching movies and watching their baseball games before we went to bed. I left shortly after I got up the next morning. Gosh, it was incredible to spend time with her and get to know her family. They are incredible people. It's always encouraging when you see a healthily functioning family. THEY DO EXIST! haha. Praise the Lord.
On the way home I debated if this is the job I wanted. It's so far from everyone, except for Ande, but that's still an hour plus drive. I want to work with peds, and this is strictly an adult unit. But the more and more I thought about it, the more I think this is my best option. I am no where NEAR ready to deal with confused, scared, upset parents. I think it will be best for me to get experience with different treatments, and skills before I enter pediatric oncology.
So with a lot of prayer and support from family and friends, I accepted a full-time position at Memorial Medical Center today. I start September 8th, but I have to be moved in and sign papers August 26th. That is just over three weeks away!!!! Oh my word...... I've had so much on my mind lately; I have so much stuff to take care of before I go. I have to get a bunch of papers and documents around for the hospital, I have to find and make a payment on an apartment, I need to keep my eyes peeled for a car, I have to take my CPR recertification course.... I'm reminded of a song right now... good ole' MXPX "Responsibility, what's that? Responsibility not quite yet. Responsibility, what's that? I don't want to think about it; we'd be better off without it." You punk-ers might remember that song.
I'm an adult... with a REAL job. And before I know it (ready or not), I will have to start making payments; apartment, student loans, car, insurance, phone....... it stresses me out to think about, quite frankly. But I need to be prepared.
Please pray for me. As exciting as this is, I have a lot of emotions. I'll be moving away from close friends, out of the house I've lived in for 22 years, and lonely as can be for the first few weeks probably, until I start making friends and getting involved in a church. I need to be covered in prayer right now as I embark on this journey, and I thank you ahead of time for being faithful to pray.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
new things
This is going to be a really random post. I don't think anyone reads this anyway, so I don't think you'll mind.
I realized yesterday why I've never tried the balance board at YFC.... I introduce to you the death trap (LEFT). I never got on it because Beth and I watched SO many kids fly off of it last summer. If you don't have your balance right away, the board rolls quickly right out from underneath you and you catch some serious air until you fall, helplessly, onto the floor. That is EXACTLY what happened to me. I didn't even think about what I was doing. Most of the kids were playing dodgeball, but no other adults were playing so whosever team I was on would have an advantage over the other, so it wasn't fair for me to play. The boards were sitting there, looking inviting (apparently). I stepped on, and the next thing you know, I was sailing through the air, and landing on my wrist. I have never experienced so much pain in my entire life (I have been very blessed to remain mostly injury-free). I tried to play it off like I was ok, but it was THROBBING and my hand kept going numb. So I decided last night that I should drive home and go to the ER. We waited forever: they took 8 xrays of different angles to conclude that I did not break my wrist. Instead I tore a lot of cartilage that keeps your little wrist bones in place. So I got it wrapped and got some sweet pain killers. Hopefully it starts feeling better. I think the funniest thing was explaining to Beth (who is up North camping) what happened, because we laughed so much last year at the kids' attempts. She immediately started laughing, envisioning it, as did I.
I have my first job interview probably Friday. I've really been praying that if I am not supposed to get this job, that this interview wouldn't be an option; Springfield is 6 hours away, and I cannot afford gas if it's just going to be a shot in the dark. So I'm praying that God recalls my request.... I want this job so badly. It would be a tremendous stepping stone towards my ultimate goal of working with children with cancer. I would get some great experience working at this oncology unit (with adults). Please be praying that I get this job; that there's something noticably different about me, and it attracts the hiring manager's attention.
Nate, Heidi & Landunn will be here in 15 days!!!! You have no idea the excitement that brings me. I miss them so incredibly much. I cried every day for the first month I was home, because it's not the same without them here. They're my BEST friends. So it's hard to not share the experience of entering the world as an adult with them by my side. I cannot wait to hug them. What a sweet, sweet embrace that will be. P.S. Heidi is carrying my niece inside of her right now ;-) She found out Monday that it is a girl.
I've been reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. Yes, we were supposed to read it for a class at school, but I never did. I wish now that I would have. It is really stretching me, and making me more disciplined and intentional in my walk with Christ. It's challenging me, and I appreciate that. I want to read all the way through it, but I'm trying just to read and absorb one chapter at a time before I pass to the next. I'm starting to appreciate community more and more. I miss mine from school. What a blessing they have been to me...... I love you guys dearly.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
my heart is happy
FINALLY, after a month of waiting, I got to see this face again last night:
I missed you so much, Christina. I'm so thankful for your friendship. More than you will ever, ever know.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I am free!!!
Friday morning we left to head to Jr. High camp. We had a lot of kids from the SW Michigan chapter going. The Coldwater kids met here in town.... I got a smile on my face when the bus pulled up to pick us up, and kids were yelling my name out the window. :-) They were excited that I was coming this year, which was so rewarding.
The first night of camp, Wes, our speaker, gave his testimony about his parents' relationship. I think the brokenness he experienced, as well as his family, really hit home with these kids. I know it really sparked our small group's discussion that night, speaking about broken families and where is God in all of that? It is not an accident that any of those girls were at camp to hear Wes' message, nor was it an accident that Beth and I were the leaders of these girls, having pretty significant family stories. God really moved that night. The girls were so attentive and raw. They asked some deep questions. Beth and I were really excited that if they were that open with us, we were going to grow so much by the end of the week!
We did some fun activities; went to The Beach (a water park), King's Island (amusement park), had a move & groove night, a country western themed night....
But it was so incredible to see these kids amped up for worship with Ryan & his wife, Ferren. They did such a wonderful job choosing songs that were easy to learn, had dance moves, and the kids could really let loose.
Wes perfectly illustrated the last night the fall of man (sin), which is what kept us from God. Then he illustrated Jesus stepping in and hiding our sin. When he wrapped up the gospel presentation, he asked the small group leaders to come sit on the stage. He asked the kids to put their heads down, and invited them to invite Jesus into their heart, and forgive them of their sins. After he prayed, he asked them to respond by opening their eyes and making eye contact with their leader on stage if they invited Christ into their hearts for the first time. FOUR of Beth & my seven girls looked up at us. It was so exciting because you know it came from their hearts; they weren't looking around to see if their friends were looking up, they individually chose to respond. One of our girls recommitted her life as well. I cannot tell you the rush of emotion that fell upon me as these girls made eye contact. They have LIFE now! They have been given the gift of eternal life with Christ. Beth and I were absolutely beeming, and the girls noticed our joy. We got to go back to the cabin and talk with them about their decisions and pray with them. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to be one of God's instruments in their lives this week. Thank You, Jesus! Beth and I are going to encourage the girls to read one chapter of John a week, and get them together to discuss our growth/struggles once a week. These are some hurting girls, and I praise God that He loves us through our pain. I thank Him for their friendship; that they may grow closer together through their similar struggles.
What an incredible week....... please continue to pray for each and every single one of these kids as their RUSH and excitement may dull as they return home. May they remember what they learned and camp and really apply it to their lives every day.....
I am free to run!
I am free to dance.
I am free to live for You!
I am free!!!!!
The first night of camp, Wes, our speaker, gave his testimony about his parents' relationship. I think the brokenness he experienced, as well as his family, really hit home with these kids. I know it really sparked our small group's discussion that night, speaking about broken families and where is God in all of that? It is not an accident that any of those girls were at camp to hear Wes' message, nor was it an accident that Beth and I were the leaders of these girls, having pretty significant family stories. God really moved that night. The girls were so attentive and raw. They asked some deep questions. Beth and I were really excited that if they were that open with us, we were going to grow so much by the end of the week!
We did some fun activities; went to The Beach (a water park), King's Island (amusement park), had a move & groove night, a country western themed night....
But it was so incredible to see these kids amped up for worship with Ryan & his wife, Ferren. They did such a wonderful job choosing songs that were easy to learn, had dance moves, and the kids could really let loose.
Wes perfectly illustrated the last night the fall of man (sin), which is what kept us from God. Then he illustrated Jesus stepping in and hiding our sin. When he wrapped up the gospel presentation, he asked the small group leaders to come sit on the stage. He asked the kids to put their heads down, and invited them to invite Jesus into their heart, and forgive them of their sins. After he prayed, he asked them to respond by opening their eyes and making eye contact with their leader on stage if they invited Christ into their hearts for the first time. FOUR of Beth & my seven girls looked up at us. It was so exciting because you know it came from their hearts; they weren't looking around to see if their friends were looking up, they individually chose to respond. One of our girls recommitted her life as well. I cannot tell you the rush of emotion that fell upon me as these girls made eye contact. They have LIFE now! They have been given the gift of eternal life with Christ. Beth and I were absolutely beeming, and the girls noticed our joy. We got to go back to the cabin and talk with them about their decisions and pray with them. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to be one of God's instruments in their lives this week. Thank You, Jesus! Beth and I are going to encourage the girls to read one chapter of John a week, and get them together to discuss our growth/struggles once a week. These are some hurting girls, and I praise God that He loves us through our pain. I thank Him for their friendship; that they may grow closer together through their similar struggles.
What an incredible week....... please continue to pray for each and every single one of these kids as their RUSH and excitement may dull as they return home. May they remember what they learned and camp and really apply it to their lives every day.....
I am free to run!
I am free to dance.
I am free to live for You!
I am free!!!!!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Everytime We Touch
Life has been grand, lately. I've been really conscious of other people, their feelings, and I've been very intentional in my relationships with them. Sometimes I almost feel like I give too much, like I love too hard. But I've been re-learning to keep Christ first. If you always keep Him the focus of your attention, everyone else will receive just enough lighting. Trust Him always; everyone else will only let you down.
I am very excited about this coming weekend/week. My old boss, Kim, asked me about 3 weeks ago or so if I would go with Youth for Christ (where I worked last summer) to jr. high camp if I didn't have a job. And since I am currently an unemployed bum, I am returning to jr. high camp. It's going to be so amazing. I miss my ministry with the kids so much; and most of all I miss my combined ministry with my best friend, Beth. We worked SO well together last year. Wow, what a summer we had. So I'm excited to spend a week picking up where I left off. I cannot wait to love on the kids and offer myself to them wholeheartedly. And I must admit, I am pretty psyched for the water parks & King's Island again. :-)
Anyone have any recent lessons learned they want to share? I love learning.....
I am very excited about this coming weekend/week. My old boss, Kim, asked me about 3 weeks ago or so if I would go with Youth for Christ (where I worked last summer) to jr. high camp if I didn't have a job. And since I am currently an unemployed bum, I am returning to jr. high camp. It's going to be so amazing. I miss my ministry with the kids so much; and most of all I miss my combined ministry with my best friend, Beth. We worked SO well together last year. Wow, what a summer we had. So I'm excited to spend a week picking up where I left off. I cannot wait to love on the kids and offer myself to them wholeheartedly. And I must admit, I am pretty psyched for the water parks & King's Island again. :-)
Anyone have any recent lessons learned they want to share? I love learning.....
Saturday, June 14, 2008
this week
Here are just a few fun memories from this week (I could write a whole heck of a lot, but I will spare you readers from involuntarily reading a novel):
-seeing my nursing girls
-TGIFriday's with Kimmy, Lori, and Caitlin
-holding hands with Cait at The Strangers... haha. My hand is still numb.
-surprising Ande at midnight (she was shaking; then again we did wake her from her slumber)
-having my brother not recognize me not once, but twice, in one week
-HUGS!
-passing NCLEX (and finding that out while surrounded by my friends/nursing girls)
-such sweet laughter
-Ande and I piercing each other's ears.... some of us piercing better than others ;-)
-Tea Time (oh my goodness, that did my heart so good)
-Justin Torrence. End of story. (and his tid bit about lion sex)
-seeing my nursing girls
-TGIFriday's with Kimmy, Lori, and Caitlin
-holding hands with Cait at The Strangers... haha. My hand is still numb.
-surprising Ande at midnight (she was shaking; then again we did wake her from her slumber)
-having my brother not recognize me not once, but twice, in one week
-HUGS!
-passing NCLEX (and finding that out while surrounded by my friends/nursing girls)
-such sweet laughter
-Ande and I piercing each other's ears.... some of us piercing better than others ;-)
-Tea Time (oh my goodness, that did my heart so good)
-Justin Torrence. End of story. (and his tid bit about lion sex)
to God be the glory
I could hardly sleep Tuesday night, I was so anxious about seeing my grade on the NCLEX. I had driven down to Bourbonnais to surprise Ande for her birthday with Caitlin. So I stayed up talking with Cait about it until almost 2 am. I still couldn't sleep, so I wrote Christina a letter while everyone else was sleeping, trying to manage my time to spend as much of it with the girls as possible. I finally fell asleep at 3, or shortly after. I was up at 7:30 when I heard Jami & Ande getting ready for their Christian Faith class. I tried to make myself fall back asleep, as I had 4 different dreams (that I can remember, there may have been more) that I failed my exam. So I was more nervous to check.... but Caitlin had gotten up and ran to the living room to see if I had checked yet. I said no, so she brought me my laptop so I could log on and see if they were posted. They hadn't been posted. So I laid back down on the couch with my laptop by my side. Cait crawled on the other couch to go back to sleep. I leaned over and thought, "Ok, I will hit the refresh button ONE time, and if they're not up yet, I'm going to sleep." As I clicked, the "your results are not ready at this time" disappeared, and "Quick Results Ready" appeared. I slowly sat up, so as to not disturb Caitlin, and grabbed my credit card. I entered the information and clicked next.... as my heart was racing, this informational page that I cared nothing about popped up. So I clicked again...... and my heart stopped.
Autumn Tagert
Grade: Pass
I stared at it for a good 30 seconds before I was able to mutter, "Cait? I passed!" She JUMPED off the couch, and ran to my side to see for herself. "Call EVERYONE!" So I began calling people that had been praying so faithfully for me....
God is faithful, to the very end. To Him be all praise, honor, and glory.
Autumn Tagert, B.S.N., RN :-D
Autumn Tagert
Grade: Pass
I stared at it for a good 30 seconds before I was able to mutter, "Cait? I passed!" She JUMPED off the couch, and ran to my side to see for herself. "Call EVERYONE!" So I began calling people that had been praying so faithfully for me....
God is faithful, to the very end. To Him be all praise, honor, and glory.
Autumn Tagert, B.S.N., RN :-D
Monday, June 9, 2008
my brain = jello jigglers, anyone?
I don't remember ever feeling this drained before....
spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally....
my brain literally feels like it's a plate of jello, swishing from side to side at any sudden movement.
I dread the question: "So, how did you do?"
I took my NCLEX exam today. Four years of nursing school under my belt. You'd think it would be a piece of cake; merely a sprint to the finish line. Give it all you've got, and it'll be good enough, right? I'm not so sure, after today. Everyone in my class has passed so far. And they all 'thought they failed'. I wouldn't say that I think I failed. I am just uneasy about not having any indication of how it went, whatsoever. As crazy as it sounds, the test was the easy part. Yes, it was 3.5 hours, and it was filled with my leg bouncing up and down, and me squirming in my chair after I passed the first 170 questions. Brain throbbing as I approached 265. But I think when the pointer is spinning, while the green status bar is growing, and while the page is loading is when I'm really going to feel it. I'm terrified for the results page to load. It should NOT be an indication of my intelligence, but how can it not feel that way? I worked so hard for this. Blood, sweat, and tears (many of those, might I add. Many, MANY of those).
It's the waiting game, which just so happens to be my least favorite game in the world.
spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally....
my brain literally feels like it's a plate of jello, swishing from side to side at any sudden movement.
I dread the question: "So, how did you do?"
I took my NCLEX exam today. Four years of nursing school under my belt. You'd think it would be a piece of cake; merely a sprint to the finish line. Give it all you've got, and it'll be good enough, right? I'm not so sure, after today. Everyone in my class has passed so far. And they all 'thought they failed'. I wouldn't say that I think I failed. I am just uneasy about not having any indication of how it went, whatsoever. As crazy as it sounds, the test was the easy part. Yes, it was 3.5 hours, and it was filled with my leg bouncing up and down, and me squirming in my chair after I passed the first 170 questions. Brain throbbing as I approached 265. But I think when the pointer is spinning, while the green status bar is growing, and while the page is loading is when I'm really going to feel it. I'm terrified for the results page to load. It should NOT be an indication of my intelligence, but how can it not feel that way? I worked so hard for this. Blood, sweat, and tears (many of those, might I add. Many, MANY of those).
It's the waiting game, which just so happens to be my least favorite game in the world.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
new blog for a new beginning
First xanga. Then livejournal. Then myspace. I haven't really blogged in a while. As I mature, those fade into the distance. I don't want to be so public (ironic, I say that as I post my life online for all to see). So I figure I'll give this a shot. I'm going to be raw; because lets face it, emotions compose about 80% of our actions. Hopefully the other 20% of our actions are made up of conscious effort.
So here it is..... this is me.....
So here it is..... this is me.....
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