blessed, and so undeserving

Tonight I have been reminded of how truly blessed I am.....

I was not having the best of days yesterday, after a rather unpleasant conversation with my dad. I was heartbroken.... he always gets mad that I don't call, but every time I do call, it turns out like that. By the end of the conversation, we were both pretty heated, waiting for the other person to really accept and listen to what we have said. That's just it, I wish he'd listen. Not just hear the noise, but process what I am saying.

After the conversation, I texted a dear friend of mine, Justin, and asked if he would please pray for me, as I was a bit shaken up, and on my way to a CPR class, so I had to gain my composure quickly. Instead of just saying "right on, dude" (for those of you that know him, you can almost hear him saying that, because it's exactly how he talks :-)), he typed his prayer out. It blesses my soul when people do that. It's so powerful to know that a) they are faithful to carry out your prayer request, and b) what they are praying for. It just blows me away how obedient, and with one he is with God. Wow. Ever since I've met him, I've noticed something different about him. His passion is so evident right from "hello". He has a passion to know people, to hear their stories, to present their requests before his Heavenly Father, and to see change. Anyway, even from texting back and forth for a couple of minutes, my heart and mind were completely at ease. He said something powerful, when I expressed my frustration with irresponsible parents... he encouraged me by reminding me that "God is intimately involved" in the situation. I re-read that a couple of times. God is intimately involved. Intimacy is so personal. It means that God is close to my situation. He is familiar with my situation. He is aware of every little detail; I could fully explain to one of my friends the past with my parents, and the distance that has formed. But never could I explain the situation completely. They would not fully comprehend the pain, the hurt, the sense of abandonment... you can forgive, but you don't forget. Only God knows the completeness of the situation. And He cares for me.... that is powerful in itself.

What a wonderful thing Justin did, by setting the phrasing up like he did. I am blessed to know such wise people; not just filled with earthly wisdom, but Heavenly wisdom. It is a gift. That phrase has been lingering in my head since I read it. I think it is also so powerful because it reminds me that God created me, and He knows my innermost being. When I feel alone and betrayed, God is there. He is holding me in the palm of His hand. The same Hand that taught the stars how to shine. How beautiful......

And tonight, I was catching up with an old friend, Jason. I haven't talked to him in easily over a year. When we began chatting, we dove into conversation like we would if we had been chatting on a regular basis; like there was no distance between us whatsoever. Usually when situations like that happen, after such a significant amount of time has passed, there is a tinge of awkwardness. But there was not even a hint of uneasiness as we spoke. And our conversation reaked of Jesus. Right from the start, it was God-centered. It blessed my soul, as he asked about situations that I asked him to pray for last. How faithful he is, to remember! How faithful is our God? That He would allow us to have friends like these, and send us reminders of how personal He is, right when we need them the most?

Towards the end of our conversation, Jason mentioned my blogs, how he used to read them (back in the myspace day.....) and he was encouraged and inspired. From me? Really? Are you serious? I didn't think I had an impact on people, but he said how many times he learned from my obedience to tell what was on my heart. So I felt like that was God's way of telling me to blog about what was on my heart. I hope this encourages you, because I am overwhelmed with joy tonight, at this encounter. With this reminder. God cares about every single detail of your life. And He's waiting so patiently for you to approach Him. It amazes me at how patient God is.... sometimes I keep Him waiting for a very long time. I am so unworthy of the blessings that He so graciously pours over me. What a blessing alone that true friendship is. I am so thankful for these encounters with these tremendous men of God, for their obedience and compassion.

God is good..... see for yourself.

p.a.i.n.

My heart is so heavy tonight, with such an aching pain..... I've felt like my heart was ripped from my chest numerous times today, when it felt like my lungs would not work (weird feeling, have you ever felt like that; where your lungs were too numb to exhale and too full to inhale anymore?). I will recall two of those moments.....





Today we had an extension on our family reunion; like the old days, we got together the day after to eat left over food and converse with those we didn't have a chance to the day before. I rode my bike down to the park (a few blocks) to where everyone was gathered. Towards the end of the afternoon, my grandma (left in the picture) and her two sisters walked up to the bathroom. Now this is quite an accomplishment; the bathrooms were a couple of football fields away from where we were located, and two of these women have a difficult time getting around. On their way back, after catching their breath for a while, they began to talk about how good it was to see each other. They grabbed each other's hands, and my Aunt Irene (right in picture) mentioned that this could be the last time they were all holding hands; a sad but painfully true realization. Aunt Irene then said "If I get to Heaven before you two, I will wait at the gate so we can walk in hand-in-hand". That already broke my heart, just to think that it probably was the last time they were going to see each other; my Aunt Irene has been ill, which is why this is the first time in 6 years that she and my Uncle Ike were able to make the drive for the reunion. From that moment on, they were inseparable the rest of the afternoon; they all sat together on a park bench, talking and holding each other. It was one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Then it came time to say our goodbyes. So we all hugged one another, kissed each other's cheeks and said how good it was to see the other person. The time came when my grandma hugged her sister, Irene, goodbye. They began to sob in each other's arms. My Aunt Mary (the third sister) rushed over and wrapped her arms around the both of them. All three held each other and cried, again at the fact that this was probably their last goodbye. My heart ACHED so badly when I saw this..... oh gosh, the air went in my lungs and wouldn't come out. I had to walk away and think of something else to not join in the sobfest. They're all so close and fond of each other; relationships of over 75 years strong. Honestly, one of the most beautiful yet heartbreaking moments I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

And the next...... I've come to the realization that I have to say goodbye to my family tomorrow. I've never been good with goodbyes, but this one's always the toughest: Nate, Heidi & Landunn. They arrived here Thursday afternoon and are leaving tomorrow night (so Landunn can sleep in the car through the night/meat of the drive). It seems like they just got here; such a tease that they leave so soon. For those of you that don't know, Landunn is the love of my life. This kid has more personality than half of the people that I know (ok maybe a quarter ;-) but still....). From the minute I laid eyes on him, I fell in love, and I fell hard. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for this little boy. It took him a while to warm up to everyone, being so young and not seeing us for quite a few months, but he's finally back up to par, hugging and lovin' on us. I am biased, but I think he is the most adorable little boy in the entire world. I hate knowing that he's growing up so quickly, and I haven't been able to be part of his life in the process, with them living so far away. It makes me want to move down to Florida in a heartbeat, but I know that in the process of growing up, we each have to go our own way and do what's best for us. They're only a plane flight away! It won't be that bad, right? I'm not just having a hard time saying goodbye to Landunn, though he's a huge part of it. I'm so close to Heidi.... she has been my closest friend for the past 6 years of my life! She knows everything about me. Everything. And she's the only person I can say that about. She's my very, very best friend, and I am hers, and I am so thankful to call her sister as well. It has torn my world apart being in this town without her; I am so used to just driving over to their house if I am having a bad day, or for dinner, or just for the heck of it. I miss them being so close, that I can go over there (my 2nd home) and just vent or simply be in their presence. It's taken a lot of getting used to to not have her around. This weekend has been so wonderful, to be able to touch her, and talk to her face to face. And to see my brother.... oh Heavens. How wonderful is he? I'm so proud of the husband that he is- how wonderfully he treats Heidi, especially since she is pregnant with his daughter. And what an amazing father he is. AMAZING. He is sooooooo good with Landunn; he is straight up daddy's boy, hands down. He wants to do everything like and with Nate. It blesses my heart so much to think of how much Nate has grown. At one point I wanted to give up on him, to stop praying, thinking that it was foolish of me to ever think he could fall in love with Jesus.... and here he was tonight telling me how important it is for me to find a good church as soon as I get to Springfield. He's become the spiritual leader that every man should be, openly talking about his faith, in a very real, honest way. He's so laid back, and he constantly gives me a reality check. He's like a father(ish) to me too- tonight he and Heidi sat down and helped me create a budget (I AM GROWING UP!!!!!!!!!!!) for my new job. Gosh, I cannot even express how much my heart needed this weekend. I have been waiting for so long to see them again.... and they leave in less than 24 hours.... back 5 states away. It breaks my heart. I am horrible with goodbyes, but I think tomorrow's goodbye is by far the hardest one I've ever had to say. Ever. It was hard when they moved down to FL in February, but I knew when exactly I would see them next. This time, nothing's written in stone. Landunn will probably be inches taller, and his vocabulary trippled.

......when I look at this face, my world feels like it's alright. Like everything is perfect. Love is a wonderful, painful thing.

weddings get me thinking.....

A lot of my friends and cousins have been getting married lately (guess it's a summer thing). I will be in two weddings next summer too, so I've been helping plan those or seeing what I can do to help out (we all know it's kind of a bridesmaid's duty). And it's made me start thinking about my own. NO- I am not engaged nor am I even close to a potential dating mate. It's kind of funny to even think about, but let's face it; every girl dreams about her wedding for YEARS. She dreams about her dress, her bridesmaids in their dresses, what the reception site will be like, how many people will be there to show their support. She thinks about her daddy walking her down the aisle, and gazing into her lover's eyes as she walks down the aisle towards him, to spend forever staring in his eyes.

My wedding is going to be so completely far from everything I imagined it to be. Not the traditional wedding by any means; I mean, who is going to walk me down the aisle? Typically the father walks the daughter down the aisle, to give her hand to her husband signifying that the husband will protect and guide her from that point. Those of you that know me know that my dad hasn't been a big part of my life, so having him walk me down the aisle isn't even in question; he hasn't earned the honor and right. So I thought about having my brothers walk me down the aisle, because they've been my protectors and best friends. But I have 3 of them and only 2 arms to hold on to. It would be awkward for the third to walk behind; how would I even decide which two walked by my side and who walked behind? That's not fair. In previous years, I thought that my friend and father-figure, Rich, would marry me (not MARRY me, marry me, but be the pastor conducting the ceremony). But in recent days I've thought about having him walk me down the aisle. Should I even have anyone walk me down the aisle? I think I will be too nervous, jittery, and emotional to walk down by myself, with all eyes on me only.

And what about the daddy-daughter dance? Would it be awkward to just have my first dance with my husband and then cut to the mother-son dance? Without a daddy-daughter dance? I think it'd be kind of fun to dance with all 3 of my brothers. Start off dancing the song with my brother, Nate (he's the oldest), then have Brandon tap him on the shoulder and cut in, then have Aaron step in. That'd be cute :-) And I'd get to dance with 3 handsome men. BONUS! haha.

It just saddens me that due to some people's poor decisions, my wedding will not be the way I had always imagined it. But nevertheless, it will be the biggest day of my life...... and it will be spectacular!

Mr. and Mrs. Rose

My cousin, Adam, got married today to his girlfriend of 11 years (on and off). ELEVEN YEARS! I cannot imagine the excitement they shared as they said their vows today. It's crazy to me that some couples can wait so long, when others "know" they're ready to get married after like 4 months. I'm about to offer my two cents: you don't KNOW someone after just 4 months. What happens when the butterflies fade? You're left with a stranger.... I'm not going to get into that. Watch me "know" after 4 months. Please hunt me down and punch me in the face if that's the case. Remind me that I am not in love after 4 months.....

Their wedding was beautiful! Gosh, it doesn't hurt that they're amazingly attractive looking, as well as their entire wedding party. Seriously. Looked like a bunch of models up there.

It was so good to spend time with my cousins at the reception. I've missed those handsome boys of mine.

So here's to 50 years, Adam and Jen...... *raises my glass* I know you can do it.

Adam and Jen saying their vows

I love that the girls are holding the golf clubs, and the guys are holding the flowers.

gorgeous colors! Too bad it looks like the petals are pelting Adam's face.

cutting the cake (good thing it wasn't the cheese ;-) )

AVERY!!!!!! I've missed this man somethin' fierce. It was soooo good to see him. (he's my younger cousin... by one year)

Do I not have some of the best looking cousins ever?

me with the handsome groom. Congratulations, Smiley ;-)

My GORGEOUS aunt. Seriously, she looked smokin' hot.