Elizabeth Ann Looper.....

My best friend, Beth, went down to Indiana to see her boyfriend this weekend. They celebrated their 5 year anniversary yesterday. We knew that he picked out her ring and asked her parents for her hand in marriage, so we've been anticipating the proposal (I guess she has been anticipating it a little more than I have ;-)). I thought for sure it would happen yesterday, on their 5 year. And she said I'd be the first person she called, so I had my phone by me AT ALL TIMES yesterday. But it never rang :-( I even double checked when I woke up to make sure she didn't call while I was sleeping (occasionally I am a deep sleeper. Not usually).
I figured it would happen sometime this weekend while she was down there, but I didn't know when.

So I'm in a class today (a cancer review) and I start doodling... let's face it, 8 hours is a LONG time to be in a class. I start writing my name a jillion times in different cursive and stuff. Then I decide that I am going to plan my wedding, so I start writing out who my bridesmaids would be. After I wrote Beth's name, I was like "She will be Beth Looper by then!" So I rewrite her name... Elizabeth Ann Looper. Just then, my phone rings.... IT IS BETH!!!!! I can't answer it because the speaker is still talking.... so I text her and said "Sorry I'm in class. Are you calling because you have something to tell me?!!?!?!" She doesn't have texting, so I sent another message saying "If so, call back again and I will leave class." But she texted back and said "Yes I do! You can guess it!" So I start squirming in my seat. The class was over, but they were going over review questions (there is a test to become Oncology Certified (I can't take it yet because I have to accumulate so many hours working in the unit)). So I was debating whether or not to get up and leave or sit through them, which I saw there was only a few slides left. FINALLY the slideshow ended and I BOOKED it out of the classroom.

I called her and I couldn't stop smiling....... I did the whole I'm-so-excited-I-am-slurring-my-speech-and-talking-really-fast thing. Oh gosh, I cannot believe it. We're grown up!!!!!! That makes two of my friends who are getting married now...... Scottie next month, then Beth next summer. I am sooooooo happy for her! FIVE YEARS of dating. That's a long time. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to not be able to completely express your love for someone after that long. God has definitely been at the forefront of their relationship, and He has equipped them with the strength. I think it's absolutely commendable and remarkable, really.

I cannot wait to see her...... and her RING!!!!!!!

home

This past weekend I was able to go home. Funny... at the beginning of the summer I hated being home. I cried all the time because I didn't want to be there. But now all I want to do is go back. Haha, I find myself crying almost daily because I'm not there. Funny how things reverse, yes? I find myself so unhappy here at the moment, but I know just like my feelings towards home, my feelings towards being here will change. It will get better.

Being home this weekend was wonderful. No, WONDERFUL. My mom and I's relationship has been getting a lot better since I've been gone. Crazy how becoming an independent adult will make you realize how appreciative of your mom that you are. She has done a lot for me. Scott too. I'm so thankful for her.

It was wonderful to see Beth, Danielle & Danielle's family. Gosh, it was so good to spend time with them. I was up at the Apple Fest all afternoon on Saturday. I don't like it much. It's like a townwide garage sale. Haha. Some booths have creative stuff. Others just have a bunch of random stuff they're trying to get rid of. haha. One booth of guys cracked me up. The looked like some thugs, and they had a booth selling linens! haha. It was hilarious to me. They were being all friendly to the elderly and trying to get them to buy some. Classic.

I got my very own CAR this weekend!!! It's a silver 2005 impala. It has a few scratches, mostly around the trunk, like people scraped it putting groceries in or something. And has little paint chips on the hood from rocks being kicked up at it. But what car doesn't have a few scratches in it? I am almost glad that they're there, because if my car gets scratched now, I will be less likely to freak out about it. Please don't come key it, but you know what I mean. It looks great on the inside. Sooooo wonderful. And praise the Lord, I have air conditioning!!!! No longer do I have to sweat like a beast driving around with the windows down on a hot day!

Currently I am watching Signs..... I love this movie so much. Speaking of movies, there are so many that I want to buy. And I will soon have a ton of bills to pay. Someday I will have spending money though. I cannot wait to get settled in and used to paying bills. I think I'm going to have a serious addiction of buying scrubs too.... heaven help me!

let me go home

I cannot even put into words how excited I am to be going home this weekend. This week has been better, I've cried less than the past couple of weeks. I've been up on the floor, meeting nurses and getting a good feel for what working up there will be like, which has been great. But my heart is breaking...

I yearn for something more. It is so difficult.... being so far from home, so far from loved ones, no friends around, not really a good support system at church yet. I am literally here, and feel like nobody in this town cares about me. I could just stop breathing in my apartment, and nobody would know. I miss relationships (friendships) where we spoke our hearts, prayed together, laughed together. Gosh, I miss that so much. I don't really know any of the nurses yet, so I'm still the shy, quiet girl.

I think it would be easier to break out of this if people were a little more considerate. Not that there are any jerks that I have met, I just wish people would take into account all of the change that is occuring in my life.... and take the time to reach out to me. God desired for us to be in community, I learned that over the past year.... and I miss it so much.

I can't remember the time when I last cried so much..... I break down at least once a day. It's just terribly lonely. Go to work, come home. I'm not the type of person to go to a coffee shop and just randomly strike up conversation with someone sitting on a stool. So you can see why it's hard for me to make friends at the moment. I'm just relying on God, that some firm roots will grow with those girls at church- two girls that I met last Sunday invited me to their small group. It started tonight, but I was busy packing & getting stuff around to go home tomorrow, so I can leave right after work and arrive in michigan between 11 & 12. I'm so thankful for how friendly they were. I feel bad that I'm missing church on Sunday. Then I have to work next Sunday. So hopefully things are ok for me to go to small group next Thursday. I really want to connect with these girls, and get to know their hearts. I think I am going to like them.

So yeah, I am so excited to go home. I am not looking forward to the 6 hour drive home, only to spend one day, then come back the following afternoon... then get up for work in the morning. I feel like I need a vacation... already.... from my emotions. I just want to hug people. Do you know how wonderful that would be? I cannot wait to see my mom. I think our bond has grown since I left. We have talked every night since I've been gone (minus 2). And that never happens. I just miss her. I miss my friends- Beth & Danielle, and Danielle's family. I want to get loved on. And just enjoy the day that I have with them. I hope I don't take it for granted. I mean, I want to sleep in on Saturday (tomorrow is going to be a LONNNNNNNG day), but I want to use my time wisely and spend it with as many people as possible.

Please pray for me..... and my aching heart.

West Side

Last week at my functional capacity evaluation, I got to talking with the secretary about my recent move (as she was putting my information in the computer system). She asked me if I had friends and family around here, to which I replied no. She frowned and gave me an empathetic look. She asked if I went to church, and I said yes, but I was looking for one here. She told me about hers and asked if I would be interested. YES! I exclaimed! So while I was filling out papers, she got on their website and printed off information about their young adults & singles groups, along with directions from my apartment (she really went the long mile for me, huh?).

When I got home, I looked up their website and searched around. It sounded like a great, growing, lively church. So all week I have been looking forward to going. I was so excited about connecting with a church family, that I could hardly sleep last night. I kept thinking how wonderful it was going to be to just walk into a community like that and feel connected to everyone, just because of our Savior.

I left early, even though I had directions, in case I had trouble finding it. Instead, from the interstate, I saw this HUGE church with the church's name plastered on the side. My jaw dropped. What?! That is so much different than the little Coldwater Church of the Nazarene! I pulled into the parking lot to see hundreds of people and families walking to their cars (the last service had just gotten out). As you pull in, there's a man standing next to a sign to stop and get information for guests. So I pulled over to the side and he gave me a map of the building, and showed me where the guest parking was. So I parked the car and told myself it wasn't too late to go to a smaller church. haha. But I got out and walked up to the door. People were taking pictures outside, playing in the sunshine, enjoying the beautiful day. I walked in and one of the ladies saw me carrying a map, and asked if I needed help finding anything. So I told her it was my first Sunday. She walked me to the worship center, so I wouldn't look like a fool trying to find it.

I sat down in the middle, not knowing there was a specific section for the young adults. I stared at the stage in awe- it was huge! Very beautifully lit! I observed people walking in, as they began to fill the congregation for worship. It is so different from the 8 rows of seats I am used to. There are probably about 20 on the lower level, and a balcony full of seating!

As worship began, I felt like I fit right in. It was all contemporary worship- Beautiful One, Amazing Grace, Mighty to Save.... some of my favorite songs. It has been such a long time since I've experienced worship like that. I am not dogging on my church at home, but their worship is lacking. Worship is a HUGE part of the service to me, because I have such a passion for music. And to honor God by lifting praise to Him through that medium is something I am very fond of. So it excited me that their worship was so strong and powerful! The service was GREAT too. My first impression of the pastor- 1) he's young and 2) he's HILARIOUS! I laughed so much!!!! Everyone did- it echoed from everywhere, balcony and all. That made me smile. So many of us laughing together.

The message was a powerful one. The pastor read from Philippians 2:3, 5-8, mostly focusing on the third verse, which reads "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." It was just a powerful message, because I am so sarcastic. And he spoke a lot about experience with sarcasm, and how it can be done for the wrong reason, not bringing glory to God. It helped me to be more consciously aware of why I am saying the things I am doing, and to think about their purpose before saying them. I have had such a strong desire to really help and SERVE. So he spoke about serving opportunities within the church, and stuff like that. I think the last verse of that passage also hit me pretty hard. I will insert that as well, so you can see the pastor's illustration: "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!" I felt like I was served a big piece of humble pie, after absorbing those words. Christ made himself a servant. A lowly servant, for the cause of His Father. And how humbling it was to die on a cross. He could have asked God to just be served a poisonous leaf and die for our sins, but He instead hung on a cross- the most embarrassing, humiliating way to die in front of hundreds of people, as they mocked Him. My heart broke as he emphasized that point.

I sat there, thinking about the message and ways that I need to humble myself before my Father. As the message came to a wrap, we sang "At The Cross" by Hillsong. I had never heard the song, so I was merely reading the words on the screen, getting accustomed to the beat before I would step out and sing. My eyes welled with tears as I continued reading the lyrics, each verse and chorus becoming more powerful and humbling...... I will leave you with the lyrics..... really think about them, and let them speak to you about the amazing, wonderful love of Christ.....

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me


****** I think one of the reasons this song was so powerful to me, is that I had been talking with God this week, begging Him to show me His love. It has been lonely, not knowing anyone, or seeing God through anyone this week. And I was just longing for that interaction, that communication of love. I was telling Him that I thought He had led me here, but I needed confirmation. So where it says "You go before me, You shield my way, Your hand upholds me, I know You love me" is when I really started to get choked up- He was speaking to me through that.... saying "You know these things, Autumn. Don't ever think differently".

there's a song I know pt. 2

Today was pretty funny, which is why I am even bothering to post another blog about it. Because I have a bad back and injured my wrist recently, I had to go get evaluated on my capabilities & limitations. Well I was thinking it was going to take forever, as they allotted 2 hours for it. I had to push & pull the therapist's arm to show resistance. After all of that stuff, he put me on a treadmill.... oh yippee, right? The point was I had to walk 1/4 of a mile in under 5 minutes, so we set the pace at 3 miles per hour. He was like "if you want to get it done faster, you can adjust the speed! It might be fun to see how fast you can walk". So I cruised it on up to the point where I was struggling to stay on pace, because my legs didn't want to move that quickly. Haha. It was pretty funny. Entertaining, I am sure. After that, I had to lift different amounts of weight (in a crate) off the floor. Mind you I had gas this morning...... so I'm sure you know what the TYPICAL Autumn does at moments like these..... can you predict? Well as soon as I bend over to get the crate, I fart.... right next to the therapist. Thankfully it was like a squeeky one, so it sounded like my shoe or something. He either didn't notice or pretended not to notice, bless his heart. I had to lift from 25-55 lbs repeatedly. Then I had to walk the weights 10 feet apart, set them down, pick them up, then walk them back 5 times. Then I had to walk the 55 lbs across the room and back. It was a chore, let me tell you. Then he measured the force of my grip, my push, and my pull. I had to play with a rope above my head for a minute, to make sure that I can work over my head for a minute (random). Then I had to push him around in a wheelchair up and down the halls, not hitting anything.

All in all it took like 30 minutes, which I was thankful for. I had fun! And it was a good workout. I was definitely sweating & felt good from lifting & carrying the weights (as well as my swift walk ;-)). So I ran home to shower before the cable guy came.... well he came early, just as I stepped foot out of the shower. So I had to quick throw clothes on, then answer the door all wet-headed and everything. Sweet. I think he was paranoid, poor guy, because I sat there watching him, like it would help him to move faster or something. I just wanted the freaking cable & internet hooked up so badly. When he left, I chatted with Beth for quite a while, before I set up my wireless network (the informational packet gave me crap directions that didn't work.... but I STRONGLY recommend the hotline, which gives you different instructions that actually WORK). So now I am sitting in my living room, watching TV and accessing wireless. :-D

And I'm paying for it........

how weird is this?

there's a song I know....

There's a song that I know that goes "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. do you know what that mean?" Why yes. Yes I do. I have never experienced that in such a real way as in the last week, especially.

I arrived at my apartment Friday at noon. I went through the inspection with one of the ladies from the office, and she handed me the keys. I immediately turned the air on (thanks for having that already on for me, I appreciate it- she chucked as she said "usually they have that turned on for your move in day!") well they didn't, and I sweat some pounds off carrying my belongings up 3 flights of stairs on a HOT, sunny day..... it was pleasant, can't you tell? :-)

I set up my kitchen, bathroom, and part of my closet while I waited for my mom, scott & Paige to arrive (to give me something to do). I got all of this done and took a nap before they got here, shortly after 9 IL time. They were hungry, so we unloaded the stuff in the truck bed, then went to Sonic (my first time!!!). My report: it is GOOOOOOOOD! So good, they wanted to go for lunch the next day. Haha. But we worked it off with a bajillion trips up and down the stairs, so I was ok with it.

We spent Saturday morning unloading everything, before the sun came up and toasted us all (though we got toasted anyway, with all that physical activity). I began unpacking all of the boxes and placing stuff where I wanted it while they set up my bed & helped me arrange furniture the way I wanted it. Saturday night we then went to Staples to get my desk, as well as to the mall so Paige could do her school clothes shopping. We also made a trip to Walmart to get lightbulbs (to save energy) and some other stuff that I needed (that was my like third trip to Walmart in 24 hours haha).

Saturday night we went to possibly one of, if not, my favorite places to eat: Outback. It had been over 2 years since I had a bloomin' onion. I was stoooked for it! That night when we got back, Paige & I set out to put my entertainment center & desk chair together while Scott replaced my lightbulbs. We couldn't do much more, since it was already past midnight and we had to hammer nails in stuff. So we went to bed.

The next morning was tough. All morning I kept trying to soak in their presence because I know it will be a while before I see them again. Before they got in the truck to head off, my mom hugged me and began to cry. Her last baby is now independent, and 6 hours from home. I fought back the tears- I knew if I wasn't strong for her, we were both not going to handle this idea well. So I fought them back.... until they pulled out of the driveway. Then I b r o k e. That was the last time I would see familiar faces for a while.

It is scary being here by myself.... it's so different than anything I've ever done before. I can't just get up and drive over to my friend's when I am bored.......

Which reminds me, I didn't get my internet & cable hooked up until TODAY! So I was 3 days without anything to do.... I was bored out of my mind!

I am going to post pt. 2 to this blog so it's not overwhelming, because it's already getting long......