blessing

I have been taking care of this patient, who has become so dear to my heart. He has such a wonderful sense of humor. We get each other.... sometimes it's hard finding that connection with anyone in this world, but whenever we see each other, we just start smiling. I often go in and visit him when he's under the care of another nurse, just to say hi. The last time he was in the hospital, I sent him a card, just letting him know that I was praying for him, and how much of a blessing he is to my day. Well his wife saw me yesterday, and she gave me a hug, grabbed my hand and with tears in her eyes, choking back a breakdown, explained how thankful she was for the card. She said it meant so much to her and her family, and she thanked me several times for sending it. I hugged her back and choked back tears. If she only knew what they meant to me. Also his brother, who lives out of state, is back to visit. He saw me in the hallway yesterday and remembered me by name. "AUTUMN! Do you have him today?" I was like, "I don't know, I hope so!" "ME TOO! If not, stop in and say hi. He'd love to see you!"

The first day I took care of them, we talked about the hospital, and that I was new. Sometimes this is a little freaky to patients; they don't want someone with that little of experience taking care of them, because they think they don't know what they're doing. But they were so accepting of me, and told everyone what a wonderful nurse I was. His brother, who was here from out of state, also pulled me aside and said that I would go far, that he could tell I was going to be a terriffic nurse. Ugh, that stuff makes you feel so good.

This patient has been on my heart consistently since the first time I took care of him. So I've been laying it in God's hands, praying for him, and his family. As much as I want to see him, I want him to be healthy enough to stay out of the hospital.

I went in to work today and found out that I had him for the day. I cannot tell you how excited I was. Seriously, I wish I could tell you more about him, but I am respecting his privacy and remaining a professional nurse by refraining. When I walked in at first, he was sleeping. And I didn't want to wake him up. But eagerly I was thinking "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Come play!" Haha. But I let him rest, as I knew the previous day was a rough one for him. Finally when I walked in a little later, he and his daughter were awake. She started BEAMING as soon as I walked in and she was like "Dad! You're going to be well taken care of today!! I cannot tell you how happy we are to see you." He looked up from under his blanket and smiled. "hey baby" he said. He reached his hand out (he always holds my hand when I am in the room, or rubs my arm, if they're occupied). All day long, as new family members came, they all kept saying how happy they were that I was his nurse for the day. They kept asking if I'd be back tomorrow, and said they were praying I'd have him again. What a wonderful feeling. After he woke up (like really woke up), he thanked me for the card too, and pulled me down for a hug. And he wouldn't let go. I cannot tell you how much that hug meant to me. I cannot even recall the last time I was hugged by someone here.... I've always been such an affectionate, touchy person. So it's hard not knowing anyone, and going from a zillion hugs a day to nothing.

I just cannot tell you how much this means to me. Starting out as a nurse is intimidating; you often worry that you're not doing things right, or that family is judging you, or that you're not doing enough for the patient. But to have their reassurance is so incredible. They give such wonderful feedback.

It's hard getting attached to him.... people often tell you not to get emotionally attached. I'm sorry, but I'm not the kind of nurse who treats her patients as objects, merely doing the bare minimum and leaving their room. I want to get to know them, to give them my support, to pray for them! How do you not get attached when you're there during the most vulnerable times of their lives? You're one of the only constants they have in their lives; they need your strength.

I love my job...... I absolutely love it. Even though I was running around crazy today, no lunch break, barely time to sit (only to chart), I loved my day. The patients keep me coming back. How blessed am I? Not only to HAVE a job, let alone.... but to have one I thoroughly enjoy? I am so fortunate.

I'm counting my blessings....

I miss my niece & nephew

..... so I've been looking through pictures the past couple of days that I want to print out. I am making a collage of pictures of friends from school (all sepia toned) to go up in my bedroom. I bought sweet placemats that are the colors in my room; so I am going to use them as backgrounds and tape them up, with the pictures on. It'll be awesome.

Anyway, I also decided to fill my hallway with pictures of my family. So I started by deciding which wedding pictures I wanted to put up (one 5x7 of all of their weddings). Then I started going through pictures of Landunn & Hannah as babies...... gosh. That is pretty much one time when I can't help but get emotional. It is unbelievable the amount of love that I have for those two. I cannot even imagine what I will be like as a mother. I hate being so far from them. It's extremely difficult.

I don't even know why I am writing this..... just to help myself cope, I suppose.

I would give anything to be hugging my Landunnator.... or hearing Hannah giggle, while wrinkling her nose.

I am a real nurse!

Wow..... I am a real nurse! It is just starting to hit me, the power I hold in my hands. Not to say that in an egotistical way, it is a bit scary actually. In nursing school, you administer medications, hang IV bags, change dressings only to have your professor looking over your shoulder at all times. We couldn't even go and pass tylenol without them in our presence, making sure we validated their identity by checking their name band. And here I am, minute by minute doing all of these things on my own. And I'm COMFORTABLE doing them. I mean, we used to be so paranoid that we were doing something wrong that we'd be shaking opening their meds from their packages.... and it seems so second nature now. Even giving injections. It used to bother me to cause someone discomfort, and I don't mean that I enjoy it now :-) But these patients in particular are so used to being poked and prodded. So it puts me at ease that it's nothing new to them.

I have had some incredible moments with my patients already. I'm not at liberty to discuss them, but I am just absolutely honored to be a nurse. It's different because in nursing school we're taught how to help save patients... and here I am, helping them cope with their prognosis... a lot of them are dying. I am not looking forward to the death of my first patient.... it's not that I know these people deeply, but they warm up to you and you form a relationship while taking care of the same patients day in and day out. So I'm sure the first one will be tough. But it's so rewarding to be with them in such a vulnerable time. To do everything in my power to make them comfortable. I know they so deeply appreciate it. I am just so blessed to be a nurse. Though it is exhausting and overwhelming at some times, being pulled 10 different directions by physicians, aids, physical therapy, lab, other patients, etc..... at the end of the day, I have a smile on my face because I know that I truly made a difference in the life of someone else. God is using me because I am willing.... and it's incredible.

It's amazing the confidence that I am gaining. I am practically out on my own. My preceptor let me have 4 patients... and it's been going really well. I'm developing critical thinking; when to call the physician, as well as the confidence in talking to them. I think in nursing school we're filled with these ideas that doctors are scary people who yell at you for taking up their time. But all of the doctors I have encountered have been wonderful- they've all been saying I'm doing a good job communicating with them.

It's just so crazy, to have that much responsibility. And I'm stepping into those shoes.... slowly I will break them in. And I will run........