"Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe."

This week has been cah-razy busy. I worked 3 days, had 1 off, worked 2 more, had today off, work the next two, have one off.... I don't have two days off in a row for another 2 weeks. *sigh* But I am looking forward to my paycheck, that is for sure. It will be pretty fat... especially with the bonus shifts I've been picking up. Hopefully I'll pay extra on my student loans the next couple of months. I so badly want to get those paid down/off. But I'm not going to break my back doing it.

I had been wondering how Joe was doing, down at the hospital. He was supposed to have his stem cell transplant yesterday. Key word: supposed to. I hadn't heard from him for a few days (the 3 days I worked in a row) so I was getting ready to call him, when I opened an email from him. He started off by apologizing and begging me to not let myself get upset over the news he had to tell me. My heart started racing. He had some blurred vision for a couple of weeks, and neglected to mention that to the doctors, for fear of what they'd find. "Now, how dumb is that? Here, my life is on the line, and I'm thinking, if I don't tell her about my eyes, then the problem will go away. Duh! I believe that's what's called denial. Ha! Is it still called denial when I know I'm in denial?" So the doctor did what he thought she would; she drew fluid out from his Ommaya reservoir (a dome shaped device that has a thin tube attached to administer chemo to the brain/spinal cord). They found cancer cells in his cerebral spinal fluid. :-( And your body has to be cancer cell free in order for them to wipe your system of stem cells. So they sent him home. His cancer is back :-( Yes, his tumor was still there after the last round of chemo, but it wasn't growing or spreading so it seemed harmless. It just cracked me up...... here the man is told that his cancer is back, and he's having a harder time telling me than facing the realization himself.

I am sad. But I know that God is in control of the situation. And there's nobody I'd rather have in control than Him. And I praise God for the strong faith that Joe & his wife share. It makes things so much.... I don't know if 'better' is the word, but it's more bareable knowing that there is a purpose behind this. And that they too trust God in the situation. What do non-believers have to cling to? Bitterness? Hate? I'm so thankful that Joe can enjoy the time with his family instead of letting those bitter feelings harbor in his soul. That he can find peace in this. And want others to do the same. What a blessing. Though I am sad, I just praise God for bringing such a wonderful human being into my life to spread the JOY that he does. My cup runneth over.

So what are they going to do? As of right now, radiation, which he starts tomorrow. Please be praying for him. Please. That he can remain strong and get stronger with time. That his family would have strength, so they don't feel defeated.

God is faithful. And I never want to lose sight of that, no matter what crappy things happen. He is still and will always be faithful.

.wonderful weekend.

This weekend was so wonderful (well the last 36 hours... same thing really). When I got out of work yesterday morning, I was going to nap before Christina came; I had discussed going there this weekend, to school, but it's always so tough for me. There are so many people there that I know, that I'm friends with. And I always end up running into people, whether it's in the store, or word of mouth, and I feel obligated to make time for them as well. Really, I just wanted to go see my brother & Alysha, some people from Tea Time, and Christina. But every time I do, I'm so torn because people demand my time, and I feel bad, like I'm hurting peoples' feelings by spending time with someone else. So she decided to come here instead, which was awesome. So after work I just took a shower and waited around for her arrival.

I was staring out the window around the time she said she'd be here (we were texting when she got close). I was waiting for her jeep to pull in. Instead, this white car comes whipping in that looks like another friend of mine (and Christina's roommates). I was like, "Aww that looks like Stacy's car." And what do you know? It pulls in next to mine. Hmmmm... so I bent down to get a better look. Christina was in the passenger seat.... and Stacy was in the driver's seat. STACY CAME TOO!?!?! They called me but I hung up on them as I bolted down the stairs to let them in. Awwwww my girls. :-) It was such a wonderful surprise. So I spent the day with them instead of sleeping. A couple of times I got kind of tired, but we were on the move mostly all day until after dinner. We went to lunch, I showed Stacy the hospital where I work, we went to Walmart (somehow when I'm with either one of them, we always end up there at least once; sometimes more).

Earlier in the day before they arrived, I had emailed Joe and asked him if they had any free time this weekend that I could go see them. I've told Christina so many stories about him, and I knew she wanted to meet him as well, so I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity. He called immediately and told me YES! and emailed me directions. So we drove up to see him after our Walmart expedition.

His wife greeted us at the door (back up, can I just say how nervous/excited I was to see them? My stomach was turning because I was so anxious). I hugged her forever and said how wonderful it was to see her. Joe was nowhere in sight- she said he'd be out shortly. So after we got settled on the couch, I heard a door open and Joe slowly walked down the hall. I could not stop beaming, I'm sure I lit up the whole freaking room as I stood and walked towards him. He was beaming back, with his arms wide open. He kissed me on the lips as I came in to give him a hug. (sometimes when old people try to kiss me, it makes me feel awkward, fyi. Like when great aunts & stuff hold you out away from them until you get the clue that they want your lips. ugh.). We hugged for a long time too. And he was standing!!!!!!!!!! The last time I saw him he was far too weak to stand for that long. He'd walk from his bed to the hall and back, and that whipped him. But here he was, still obviously weak, but so much stronger than the last time. (His wife said they went to Walmart and he walked around next to her, without the cart, for quite some time, so he was probably weaker than any other given day, from the exercise.) He sat down and told stories galore. He has the best stories and sense of humor. The girls were laughing hysterically. It blessed my heart so much. They're such a wonderful family. And it was just so wonderful to see them, and hear them again.

After a couple of hours, my tiredness started to hit me pretty hard. His wife grabbed her camera and said we must take pictures before we left. So they wanted one of the three of us girls first. Then she wanted one of me and Joe. As I stood up to walk towards him, he plastered his lips on my cheek and held them there for the picture. I think I was blushing, but I sure was smiling. Then we took a normal one hugging, and another one with his wife. Oh goodness. I cannot wait to see them (they're supposed to email them to me). They hugged & kissed me again before I left. I could have stayed there forever, but I didn't want the girls to get bored or hate their time with me.

The girls and I went to the Outback for dinner last night. I was pretty tiiiiiired by then. I almost fell asleep in our little booth. They were both tired too. So thankfully when we got home, they wanted to go to sleep. Yes, at 8:30. haha. We are pathetic, but it made us all very happy. I slept good and hard until about 6:30 this morning. I was WIDE awake, having 10 hours of sleep in my body. But the girls were still knocked out cold. I got on the computer for a little bit, but then I took some benadryl to go back to sleep. We all woke up again around 11:30.

I loved this weekend. It was so wonderful having something to look forward to, to get me through work Friday night (which was a wonderful, peaceful night, thank God). I wish I had more of those look-forward-to moments in my life. That's kind of depressing. But it's true. I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I really don't. (And if you'd pray about that, I'd greatly appreciate it. I wish God would just put a map in my mailbox with an X marked where I am supposed to be.) I can't call this home. So where do I? Please show me, Father.

I can't stop smiling.

What an incredible day it has been!

I'm sure this is to Danielle, because she is the only one that reads my pathetic stories, but I'm sure you remember my patient, Joe, who I fell in love with a few months back. (If you read like five or six stories down, there's 2 posts on him). He's the one who was getting chemo for his brain tumor, who we didn't think was going to make it. Well, since he left the hospital before Thanksgiving, I haven't heard from them. I have been continuing to pray for them, as I know he's not out of the blue yet. But it's just sad when you make a connection like that with someone (he and his family/friends), and not hear from them in months regarding that critical situation. So, like the stalker that I am (not really.... but kind of), I remembered where his wife worked, so I looked up her email through the schools and shot her an email (and I apologized to her for being such a stalker).

Well I figured knowing her, she'd respond that second with excitement. But the day passed and no email. And another. And another. I was beginning to worry, because I know that's not at all like her personality. She would be calling all of her friends and family telling them that I had written. Especially Joe. And he would surely get ahold of me.

Last night at work, the night started off crappy. All of my patients had something major going on with them, and I was covering an LPN, so I had to take on her 7 patients as well. WHOA. So I'm sitting there feeling all miserable, as I was behind in my work, when one of the secretaries handed me a index card. I thought it was an admission so I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I saw a post it over it, saying "please make sure Autumn gets this." I ripped the post-it off, and it read that Joe had called and wanted to know if I got his email. He wanted me to call him ASAP, and he attached his phone number. I immediately smiled and was very optimistic to get through the night so I could get home and check my email.

So I got home and there was still no email from him. Hmmmm. So I checked my spam folder, thinking maybe it had been filtered into there. And there it was........

I opened it and couldn't stop smiling (he responded the same day I emailed his wife). He told me that his wife called him from work and said, "You're not going to believe this. You need to check your email. You're not going to believe who we got an email from." And his response to her was, "I hope it's Autumn." (I guess they talk about me all the time. Ha, it's mutual then, isn't it?) And she said, "By gol, you're right!" And how EXCITED they were to hear from me. He updated me on his situation; a year ago when he was diagnosed, his bone marrow was full of cancer. He had a bone marrow biopsy and on Christmas Eve got a phone call that there were NO cancer cells in his bone marrow!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! Ugh, how can you stop the tears from flowing when you hear that? He is going through a procedure in a few weeks. He's going to have an autologous stem cell transplant (they are going to take his bone marrow out, he's going to get chemo to kill any bad cells remaining, they will transplant his bone marrow back, and give an additional dose of chemo to kill any cells they missed; when your bone marrow is full of cancer cells, there's no place for blood cells to produce. So by taking his bone marrow out, his body will make new blood cells. And they will check to see if they are producing cancerous cells. If so, that's what the chemo is for). So he's going to have a rough few weeks there, but hopefully that'll be the last step in this process for quite some time!!!

He's emailed me a few times today (I think he's REALLY excited to hear from me :-)), and he sent me his phone number(s) so I called and was able to talk to him tonight! He said that he sat around all day wanting to call me but knew I was sleeping, and didn't know what time I woke up. Haha. Ugh, he's so precious. It was sooooooo good to hear his voice. I think while he's in the hospital those few weeks (down in Missouri), I am going to make a trip down to see him. I know that'd totally catch him offguard and cheer him up! I will go see him at their house probably sometime this weekend or next week before he goes.

In one of his emails today, he told me that he had sent my email to a couple of his friends, and sent their responses. This was his sister's response: "Joe: Thanks for sending Autumn's message-I loved the picture of the two of you b/f you left the hospital. It's great that even when life brings you the biggest challenge of your life that you are blessed to have met such a wonderful, caring person. I think that this just lets you know that even when life is so hard God is watching over us by sending angels to care for us like Autumn. Thanks for sharing her notes."

I cannot stop smiling........ it's so wonderful to know how HUGE of an impact you've made on someone's life, especially in such a devastating circumstance. I absolutely adore this man (and his family). And I'm so thankful.... so very thankful that God answers prayers. Please join me in continuing to pray for he and his family as he recovers :-)

back to scraping ice off the windshield

I was fortunate enough to spend the last week in Florida. I needed that so much. Heidi called us periodically to see where we were in our travels. I told my mom to ignore the last call, as we were like 2 seconds from their house. So I pulled in and beeped my horn. Two seconds later, Heidi came running out and ripped my door open. We hugged and she started bawling. It was so good to hold her (and I'm getting teary eyed recollecting). For the past 8 years, she's lived in my town and I could see her whenever the heck I wanted. And now, she lives 1400 miles from me, and I only get to talk to her on the phone. I hate it.





That morning (we got there at about 7 am), I was excited for Landunn to get up. We were sitting in the living room when we heard him shut his door. I wanted to run to him and hug him like crazy, but I knew that he probably was a little unfamiliar with me and wouldn't be comfortable doing that. So I sat on the couch, talking to him and trying to get him to interract with me. He did recognize us, which was so wonderful. He smiled when he saw us and got really bashful. Which is another thing; I love him SO much that it kills me that he's going to grow up not really knowing me that well.





The week was wonderful. I played with Landunn a LOT. Oh gosh, we played dinosaurs, with cars, with tools. I tickled him a lot. He crawled and jumped on me a lot while I was laying on the couch. I loved every second with him. The last day I had to avoid thinking about it (again come the tears :-)) because I didn't want to cry all day- which Heidi did. Who knows when the next time will be that I will get to tickle him and laugh with him? To hug him. I think he's so special because he was my first nephew/niece. Even though I hate to say it, I just feel like he's always going to be my favorite. I'm closest to Nate & Heidi, so consequently it probably will end up that way.


(I LOVE this picture, because of how hard he is laughing)




I miss it already. It was awful to say goodbye. I suck with goodbyes anyway (right, Danielle?). I always have, ever since I was litle. It was a LONG drive back (I didn't really notice on the way down there because I was drugged on benadryl so I could sleep in the car; I can't sleep in vehicles otherwise). But on the way back, mom was sick so I drove the entire trip except about 3 & 1/2 hours. So I drove a total of 17 hours. Siiick. Good thing I love to drive. The mountains were fun to drive in; I loved the twisting and the way down!



Now I'm back in this lonely state... haha. Figuratively and literally. I need something to look forward to- the next trip home maybe? Maybe I will make a trip to school soon, to see some Tea Timers, or my brother.

Time to sleep..... as if 15 hours wasn't enough last night. I go back to work tomorrow night. Ugh. Sick :-( I know it will be good though. Usually it's the nights that I don't want to go that God shows up in huge ways. Guaranteed it will be like that tomorrow night, praise God.






Random: I think this season's Real World is going to be hilarious. I watched the first episode tonight and I LOVE Ryan & Chet. They are hilarious together. I laughed so much while watching it.

unexpected

I got a completely unexpected email from one of my good friends, Alex, tonight. It brought tears to my eyes because a) he is NOT the email kind of guy, b) he said some of the nicest things to me that I have ever heard anyone say and c) I was already watching PS I Love You and might have been slightly emotional anyway :-) haha. He was my opposite in high school, but opposites attract right? Nobody knew why we hung out so much or why I called him my best friend. We were close though. And I would have never expected us to keep in touch as long as we have; yes, I am a seeker, but he is not, so I thought he didn't give a rip about our friendship. But we've maintained our friendship throughout college, and even more so now. We've talked every couple of weeks for a while now. We used to not have much in common; ya know, the difference between believers and non-believers. But now we talk for like an hour at a time. He's such a great person, and I see the potential in him, and what he can be. I already see so much maturity in him. I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.

Seriously though. It's crazy how something so small and seemingly insignificant to one person can absolutely make someone's day. I've encouraged him ever since I've known him, and he has too but he's a guy. Guys aren't necessarily go-out-of-their-way kind of people. (I don't want to say that about all guys, but generally speaking). So it has blown me out of the water to really hear how much it's meant to him and how much I mean to him.

I hope you take this as encouragement to make someone else's day a little brighter. Pass along a little note, or do something for someone that you know will make them smile.