Blessed Be Your Name

I think this song has always been and will always be my favorite worship song, because it encompasses so many of life's moments. The beautiful and the ugly. The happy and the sorrowful. I think it has a lot to do with faith, and the choice that we make. "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." It's about a choice. Though there's pain in the offering, I still choose to believe and trust God.

My heart is indeed heavy tonight.... I was being prepared for this, but it's not something anyone wants to watch happen. Joe's cancer is back full force. They did a CT/PET scan of his body this week to determine the progression of it.... and the results were anything but good. Not only is Joe's brain tumor back, but the cancer has spread down his neck, wrapped around his pancreas, and is filling his lymph nodes (which makes it easier to spread).

Though I am heart broken, I take comfort in knowing that My Father feels the same pain. There's no feeling like being understood. I rejoice, for I know the place that He has prepared for us. But I mourn selfishly for the loss that will take place. I think my biggest concern right now is that I have a tendency to pull away when I know that my heart is going to break. I do it often. When I was in Florida, I spent the last morning there kind of secluded, as if it'd make it easier to say goodbye to my family (the rest of the day I spent with them, but I still had a little pity party to myself). We're always looking for a way to make things easier on ourselves. But I don't want to bail. I want to soak up every second before my heart is ripped out. Because I will never get this time back. I want to make the most of it, for it is so valuable to me.

I sit here, the room dimly lit from a strand of white lights around my window. Hot chocolate by my side. "Blessed Be Your Name" on repeat. Tears streaming down my face. And somehow..... somehow..... I know that things are going to be ok.