thinking

I think a huge part of my recent blood pressure issue has been work. I never really had high blood pressure until I started working on the unit. A lot of the other girls have told me the same thing. It just stresses you out.

I've been thinking about work a lot lately; especially since one of my patients passed away. I didn't have a relationship with him like Joe and I do, but I really, really respected and enjoyed conversations with this man. I was always so happy to see him (I feel awful saying that, because I know it means he was sick to be in the hospital). He was just a very pleasant person, always wearing a smile (despite all of the treatments he had been through), and conversations flowed so easily with him. He's the one who made me want to get a cat, which I still kind of want to get. I was very shocked when I got back to work (after being sick) and hearing that he passed away. Yes he was ill for a long time but I guess when someone doesn't really like as sick as they are, it doesn't hit you that they're very vulnerable. I was very sad to get the news, and I've been wrestling with it for about a week now. I wish I could have seen him one more time. Had one more conversation with him.

And with that news, I've been thinking about Joe and how incredibly hard I am going to take it when he passes on. I think that's a tough thing about being a nurse working with the same patients; for the most part we see the same people over and over as they return to receive more chemo, or heal from the side effects. I put myself in this position; to get attached to people. I have always had a difficult time saying goodbye to people, whether it was knowing I wouldn't see someone for a month, for the school year, for a year..... what made me think that deaths would be any different?

My heart is being ripped out over and over. Even last night, I found out that a patient I had the previous night had passed away; and I mean suddenly. He started to go bad around 6 am, before I left that morning. And when I returned at night, they said he passed away shortly after 9. In three hours..... three hours, life was stripped from him, or more so his family members. I think that's part of the reason that my job has suddenly become so stressful. I've met so many of our frequent patients and have gotten to know them and their families, that it's getting harder and harder to watch them suffer. And though sometimes I don't want to go to work, I really love my job. I couldn't imagine working in any other field, than with oncology patients.

So here I am praying that I can continually lay myself on the line.... that I can lay my heart out there on my sleeve, instead of shutting people out. That I won't think about how I'm going to feel when all is said and done, but that instead, I would seize every opportunity that I have to get to know people and serve them while I am here. That I would be different from the other nurses, and that my patients would see that difference in me. It is the most tremendous feeling when you're telling a patient that you're getting off shift but will be back the next night, and hearing them say how much they hope you're their nurse again that night. There are very few things you could say to me that would mean more than that.

Just a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating in my head.......