the sickness of Satan and light of God

This sickness has been drawn out for farrrrrr too long, and I'd appreciate if it would go back to hell. I went to the doctor... I don't even remember what day it was now; she called me back in to go over my labs. Aparently I'm going hypothyroid (thanks mom and dad for the horrible gift). And my blood pressure was in the 160s/110!!!! (Which is badddd). That is what's causing my headaches, most likely. So I have begun taking BP meds. The thing that steams me is that she didn't do anything to figure out WHY my blood pressure is that high. You can treat it, but isn't it smart to figure out the source, so you can take care of that? That's my thinking anyway. So here I've been, laying on the couch for over a week now. I've missed four days of work (which I feel horribly guilty about, but there's not really much I can do about it).

I am terrified that I won't be able to go home next weekend, which I have been looking forward to for so long now. I just want to see my friends and my momma. But there's no way I am making a 5 & 1/2 hour drive to see them feeling like this. It'll compromise myself and everyone else on the road, with my dizziness, which I'm not up for.

Anyway, after I got home from the doctor, I texted a couple of my friends to please be praying, and that I didn't know what was going on (they had been praying for me all week before I went to the doctor). I also called my boss, who was surprised that they weren't admitting me to the hospital. My friends started to freak (it's high enough that I could stroke or pass out). And being previous/current nursing majors, they knew it was pretty serious. Christina called me, and I was balling my head hurt so bad, but I was trying to disguise it (I knew she knew that I was crying, but not to the full extent of fighting back sobs). So what does she do? Jumps in her jeep and says she's on her way.... she made a 2 & 1/2 hour trip to see me, not stopping by her apartment to get stuff to stay the night, though she knew she was going to, just because that would have delayed her from getting here. Meanwhile, I finally was so exhausted that I passed out (which I hadn't been sleeping because the headache has kept me awake at all hours). And poor Ande was at clinical when she got my text. She was already having a horrible day (I later found out), and here she is torn whether to just leave clinical and book it to my apartment or wait until clinical was over, hours later.

When Christina got here, she just came and laid beside me in bed, holding my hand and stroking my head. Thankfully, Ande decided not to come until the next day, when Christina was going to leave (I didn't need both of them at the same time). Christina was so wonderful, getting me medicine, stuff to drink......

Ande came the next morning. Christina decided to spend the day with us, and go back later. So they laid around with me, keeping me company. We watched a couple of movies together. Ande was playing nurse and brought her stethoscope and BP cuff (mine are at work). My BP was still really high, but it had come down a little bit. Gosh, it just blessed my heart that they would come see me. And show so much concern. (Christina ended up staying another night too, while Ande went back home. I bet she wished she would have stopped to grab clothes & stuff before she came then. haha).

God is just so absolutely wonderful. (Aaaaand I'll start crying again momentarily, thinking about it). He gave me the most incredible friends. I met them only a year ago.... they've been so faithful in prayer, in accountability, in compassion. They are the type who would truly do ANYTHING for those that they loved. They've demonstrated that to me time and time again. I absolutely don't feel like I deserve them.

I miss those girls so much. Their time here made me miss the times we've spent together. I miss being at school and being able to see them every day. To hug them. To hold their hands. To cuddle while watching movies. To laugh our faces off. To cry together. To pray for each other. To challenge one another. To just walk over and see them between classes, because I could. I took so much of that for granted while at school (of course until the last week, when it set in that we were graduating, and we never left Christina's apartment unless absolutely necessary). They're two of the best people that I have ever, EVER met.

God is sooooo good. And I am so incredibly grateful that even through this horrible week, His power and goodness still outshines the darkness.

I laughed

Today is the first day I've laughed in days...... I have felt horrible lately. It started... I don't remember what day it was. One of my days off last weekend, I think it was Friday, I got sick. I woke up and I felt HORRIBLY dizzy. It reminded me of last year, around this time, when I got sick. It was the same exact thing. I was dizzy, only it lasted for weeks. Because I was dumb enough to let it go that long. Long story short, it ended up being a horrible sinus infection. So I figured this is exactly what it was this time. But I didn't feel like going to the doctor, because I didn't want to waste my day off in the office waiting. So I slept it off. And the next day did the same. The next day I called in to work sick, which I felt awful doing, because I know they're short on nights, but there's no way I could have gone to work. I finally got in to the doctor the next day, I think it was. And she gave me meds for a sinus infection (which have started to help. A post-nasal drip is a good sign :-)). But she was also really concerned about my blood pressure. My dad and oldest brother both have hypertension and have been on meds for a long time. I think I'll probably have to go on meds; the doctor thinks it has something to do with my dizziness. She asked my permission to do a blood work up and urine study (to see if everything's functioning like it should be; sometimes if the kidneys don't get enough blood supply, they don't get rid of what they're supposed to do). Ick. I did not want to have to be on medication. It's not the end of the world though, I suppose.

So I've laid around feeling awful for almost a week now. I have only been out to go to the doctor, and get my prescription filled. So really I've been inside for 5 days now. It's getting lonely, and boring. I have had to lay down because sitting up has made my head hurt.

The other day, Joe freaked out when he heard I was sick and wanted me to call him when I left the doctor's office. "Well, you don't have to I guess. I shouldn't be nosey." Haha I called him but he was napping, so I said I'd just email him. So I did. And I didn't hear back from him that night. I figured he just didn't check it until the morning. So he calls me, and he's like, "Well do you think you're going to work tomorrow (Wednesday night)?" And I said I didn't think so, not if my boss could find someone to cover me another night. And I asked why. "Well I was going to take the girls donuts in the morning. But if you're not going to be there, I'm not taking anything in." And I told him that he still should, that they'd love to see him. "No, I'm only going if you're there. I'm not in the mood for everyone else." haha. Gosh I love him. I feel honored that he specifically wanted to come see me.

Anyway, I called him again tonight to let him know that Beth found someone to cover me, and that I wouldn't be there in the morning. I talked to his wife because he was napping. We talked for a little bit, and then she said she'd have him call me, if I was going to be up (they're always so worried to wake me). I told her I'd love to hear from him- always. So I was laying down, ready to pass out, when my phone rang. "Is this Autumn?" (he screams into the phone like I am deaf, and I knew it was him). "Yes it is." "Hi, this is doctor Schmidt, I'm filling in for your regular doctor. She wanted me to let you know that you got her sick, and she's pretty upset about it, quite frankly." Oh gosh, I laughed so hard. He continued on, though I could hear him pausing to chuckle. I love his sense of humor.

I don't know why I just wrote about all of this. I thought it was hysterical. And it's the first time I laughed in days. I'm so blessed. It's hard to feel blessed and be positive when you're feeling so ill. And it was definitely a reminder that God is faithful. Through all things. And I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful, wonderful friend, who loves me so much and cares so much about me (he's been calling me every day to see how I've felt, like I try to do with him). It's so rewarding.





I do feel better. Not back to myself, but I can sit up in a chair now without feeling the urge to vomit. So that's good. Thankfully two of the LPNs covered me tonight so I could spend one more night recovering. I return to work tonight (Thursday).... which I'm nervous about. A 12 hour shift seems overbearing right now. But I know that God will see me through it. And I will survive til morning. (I have to... I don't have any more sick days accumulated. haha).

I just cannot wait to go home next week...... my heart longs for it so badly. One week from today til I get to hold them...........

Reflecting

I cannot even begin to say how ready I am to get out of here. August cannot come quick enough. I just want my lease to be over so I can bust out of here. Granted, I do like my job. I like the people I work with. I don't have a ton of complaints about work at all. I just have no social life here. And my heart is aching so badly to see my nephew, and watch them grow up. Landunn wanted to call me yesterday morning, so Heidi dialed the number for him. While we were talking, he was like, "Do you want to come play with me?" Without any control over my emotions, my heart was ripped out, and I started sobbing. "Yes, Landunn. I would love to." I managed to get out. More than he will ever know, I want to come play with him. I would give anything to have him jumping on my stomach again, or hiding under the blankets saying "be safe", as we hide from mommy & daddy.

While I'm on the nephew rant, I was thinking today..... how something so awful in my eyes turned out to be one of the greatest gifts ever. I remember getting the phone call 3 years ago today (well yesterday; Valentine's Day) that Heidi was pregnant. I was sooooooo upset with the circumstances. I was speechless. I couldn't even pretend like I was happy for them, because I was let down. But after a few days, I was able to accept that which I could not change. And now..... I realize that it was the best Valentine present ever. I love him so much.

I cannot wait to go home in two weeks. I had planned on going skiing up North in MI with some dear friends of mine. But things weren't really settled. There was still an indefinite aspect to the whole thing. And I didn't want my hopes to be crushed, so instead of being let down, I just decided I would go home that weekend, and go visit those friends another weekend. Not often do I have 4 days off in a row, so I figured I'd use them to my advantage and make the 6 hour drive home. I cannot wait to hug my friends. I hate being so far from them. And I'll actually get to help do wedding stuff with Beth. It's going to be such a wonderful weekend. I'm hoping that I'll get to meet up with Dawn in Jackson as well. I was watching videos we made almost a year ago when she stayed the night, and I was laughing ridiculously. I've been blessed with some pretty incredible people in my life.

I bought a book that I am very excited to read; Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I've read it before, and it's probably in my top 5 (well top 3) books. But I hadn't bought it until now. I went to Barnes last weekend hoping they had it, but they didn't. And I was just randomly browsing through Walmart's shelves (clearly a God thing), and there it was.... the only copy. There wasn't even a place on the shelf that said "Redeeming Love". It was random. And I was so amped to see it! And for only 12 dollars. If I would've bought it at Barnes, it probably would've been like 20. Woo!!!!

I've been obsessing over music from the 80s and 90s. Seriously, I downloaded a ridiculous amount of songs from those eras last night. They make me so happy. They're not degrading women, they aren't talking about anatomical parts, they're just talking about love, and emptiness. They make me happy. I'm pumped for the car ride home because I have a pretty lengthy playlist to keep me company. I'll be the girl you drive by, and she's belting the song out in her car. And you're making fun of her because she's really into it. And I'll be proud of it. So back off.




I so badly want to find the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with....... I know patience is making me stronger and wiser. But I just really long to share my life with someone.....

good night and weird news

Yesterday (well I guess now it's 'technically' the other morning) when I got out of work, I headed up to see Ande. On the way, I stopped by to see Joe, which was wonderful of course. We chatted for quite a while. I stayed a lot longer than I had anticipated.

It was so wonderful to see Ande. We talked for a while, until she had to study/take a quiz online... numb nursing school :-) I helped her study by questioning and explaining things to her. Finally though, I about passed out while she studied quietly. She asked Christina to come down and see us, which I didn't think would happen because it was already after 7. And Christina had class the next morning. It's about a 1 hour and 45 minute trip from Olivet. But by golly, she made the trip and spent the night with us. It was so awesome to be back with those two. We all slept in Ande's bed, which was a reminder of the last week of school back in May; we all laid the mattresses out in christina's apartment on the floor and slept curled up next to each other (only there was sometimes like 7 or 8 of us laying together). I miss those days so much.

While I was getting ready to go to sleep, my mom sent me a text. Our old neighbor was found dead in her house! She was shot in the head 5 times. I am absolutely blown away!!!! Stuff like that 'doesn't happen', ya know? Not to people you know. It breaks my heart, because she has a son who's in 4th grade.



Other than that, nothing is new. I've been working a lot. I work the next 2 & 1/2 days (I am working bonus tomorrow just for 4 hours... and hopefully they don't beg me to work the whole night since I'm already there, because I don't want to really). However the money is beneficial. I have 2 friends getting married, so I have to throw a bridal shower for each, which is usually costly. I just hope the other bridesmaids help me in buying stuff; decorations, the food, plates & stuff. I don't want to be the sugar mama.



Valentine's Day makes me hopeful for the future. I so badly want to find who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.....

HILARIOUS! ok, maybe only if you heard it

The other day, I was talking to Joe on the phone. I had just crawled into bed, and I may have been a little slap happy, when my phone rang. I knew it was him because he's the only person that calls me in the mornings. He was explaining everything that he had said in his email, about what the tests had found (because he's getting radiation to his brain, his memory is fading. His short term memory is being affected; he could tell you something and 4 seconds later forget that he told you). So I just listened again, as he added more detail than he explained in his email.

He stopped for a second and told me to start praying for myself. I kind of chuckled. "Joe, why would I be praying for myself? I'm praying for YOU and your family!" "No, Jeanine and I are just fine. I just know how much you love me, and I love you too. Have I ever told you that? I can't remember. Anyway, I know how upsetting this all is for you, and I just pray that you will be ok through all of this." "Joe, you don't need to be worrying about me." "OH!!!! What a relief!!! I don't need to worry about Autumn. Cross her off the list, cuz I don't need to worry about her." Meanwhile, I am CRACKING UP!!!! You have to hear his voice, and hear how animated it was when he was saying what a relief it was. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop coughing. This in turn made him start laughing hysterically. When we gained our composures, he said, "you and Jeanine laugh at some of the dumbest things that come from my mouth. I don't understand you two." :-D

He absolutely made my day. And even when I recall that conversation, I start laughing all over again. Laughter is therapeutic. And I know that's why I'm handling this situation as well as I am.....




Anyway, I had last night and tonight off (I was supposed to go to a meeting tonight but I took benadryl at 10 am and slept right on through it until almost 10 pm. It wasn't a mandatory meeting- I was just invited). I've been so bored lately. I hate getting up and going to work. But on my days off, I'm so stinking bored. I bought myself a Disney princess coloring book last night at the store, along with a 64 pack of crayons. :-) That's what I did until the wee hours of the morning yesterday, and I've colored a couple more pictures today. How lame am I?

21 more days until the skiing trip!!!!!!! I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am. Last year it was the best weekend ever. Seriously, there were so many memories created. Hopefully nobody breaks their arm this year (BROOKE!). I'm terrified of skiing, but I think that's what's so exciting about it. I have the potential to crash into trees, kids, buildings.... what a good story that'd make for! Lets hope it doesn't happen though. The whole clan has talking about last year's trip all year! It makes me happy how much we all look forward to that time of fellowship & rejuvination. It drew us closer together last year, and I know it will do the same this year, as we spend 6 hours in the car one way, laughing, singing, and story telling.

..............21 more days.............

Blessed Be Your Name

I think this song has always been and will always be my favorite worship song, because it encompasses so many of life's moments. The beautiful and the ugly. The happy and the sorrowful. I think it has a lot to do with faith, and the choice that we make. "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." It's about a choice. Though there's pain in the offering, I still choose to believe and trust God.

My heart is indeed heavy tonight.... I was being prepared for this, but it's not something anyone wants to watch happen. Joe's cancer is back full force. They did a CT/PET scan of his body this week to determine the progression of it.... and the results were anything but good. Not only is Joe's brain tumor back, but the cancer has spread down his neck, wrapped around his pancreas, and is filling his lymph nodes (which makes it easier to spread).

Though I am heart broken, I take comfort in knowing that My Father feels the same pain. There's no feeling like being understood. I rejoice, for I know the place that He has prepared for us. But I mourn selfishly for the loss that will take place. I think my biggest concern right now is that I have a tendency to pull away when I know that my heart is going to break. I do it often. When I was in Florida, I spent the last morning there kind of secluded, as if it'd make it easier to say goodbye to my family (the rest of the day I spent with them, but I still had a little pity party to myself). We're always looking for a way to make things easier on ourselves. But I don't want to bail. I want to soak up every second before my heart is ripped out. Because I will never get this time back. I want to make the most of it, for it is so valuable to me.

I sit here, the room dimly lit from a strand of white lights around my window. Hot chocolate by my side. "Blessed Be Your Name" on repeat. Tears streaming down my face. And somehow..... somehow..... I know that things are going to be ok.