humbled beyond words

I don't know what else to put in the title..... but I was blown away by the gift that God has given me this week. Last weekend was my first time 'rapid responding' a patient. That means that you call in a team of respiratory therapists to trouble shoot when a patient isn't breathing/breathing well. I was scared; one of my patients has a tumor in her throat, and she's been getting radiation. The tumor is sloughing off (diminishing) from radiation. As a result, she has all this gunk in her throat and can't clear it out. I was scared, as I didn't know what to do. It was really a situation we all felt helpless in. We ended up intubating her and I took her up to ICU. I was worried about her all weekend, wondering if/how she was going to recover from all of this.

Well when I got back to work the other night, I saw her name on the patient census. And I saw that I had her that night (meaning she was sent back from ICU and was stable). After researching my patients, I knocked on her door and peeked my head in. She got tears in her eyes, and just started BEAMING thanking me for all that I did for her. She grabbed my hand and would not let go. It was one of the most incredible moments of my life. I helped save her. If I would have just let her go on struggling to clear this gunk from her throat, she might not have/probably wouldn't have made it. I felt so rewarded. A confirmation that I do make a difference in this world. In a huge way. And I've never been so proud/humbled in my life. We ended up having a talk late that night about life. And about how wonderful care we took of her; it made her wish that she would've taken a little more time to care for the others she served when she was working. It's incredible to me that I would ever have that impact on someone; making them want to be a better person. Wow. Humbled isn't even the word.



On a completely different note, I watched The Real World tonight and admittedly started balling at the end of it. Those who watched know what I'm talking about. I was SOBBING, like I know him and what he's going through. But I have absolutely no clue..... and I cannot imagine being in that situation as Ryan, his family, his friends, or his girlfriend.



The other EXCITING news that I got is that my friend, Ande, is going to be my pseudo-roommate. She has clinicals here at my hospital next semester, so she's going to come spend every Thursday night/Friday afternoon at my apartment!!!! There are a few weeks where she has clinicals Thursday & Friday, so she'll be here Wednesday-Friday. That blesses my soul so much. I cannot even tell you how happy that will make me. :-D I am soooooo excited! It'll be wonderful to be able to chat with her face to face once a week, pray together like we used to....... thank you Jesus, for an incredible last couple of days.

good weekend

I debated whether or not I would really go up to school this weekend. I had planned on going up to school to see everyone a few weeks ago, when I made my schedule after I decided not to go skiing. So I was pumped that I'd have a whole weekend with Tea Timers. Little did I know that this is their spring break. So I asked who'd still be around, and there were like 3 of them that said they would be. I went back and forth between wanting to go and not wanting to go. Then Thursday night when I coded my first patient, I was exhausted (emotionally) and physically after working 3 12's in a row. I just kind of wanted to be alone and relax all weekend. But I forced myself to stay true to my word, so I decided after sleeping Friday morning that I'd still go.

The first night I met Josh, Manny and Melissa at Manny's. We watched a movie, and one of the other tea timers who I haven't gotten to know at all, Jeremy, came. He was always really quiet at Tea Time, and usually I was too during discussion because I was absorbing every word of wisdom that everyone else had to say. But it turns out that he's hilarious. We were cracking jokes all night during the movie we watched. I stayed at Melissa's, since Aaron and Alysha were gone.

That night I slept horribly. I think it was a combination of a) not being used to sleeping at night, b) still thinking about what happened the night before at work, c) the room was a little stuffy, compared to how I normally sleep, and d) the unfamiliar noises. I'm generally a very light sleeper anyway, so none of this is new to me, sleeping somewhere unfamiliar. I fell asleep at like 9 am until 10:40 when we got up (I slept randomly off and on). It didn't help that the air mattress had a slow leak so my butt was on the hard wood floor. Haha.

That day was pretty low key though. The four of us were at Manny's just watching TV and a couple of movies (they didn't like Lars, which was disappointing to me :-( ). Jeremy and his friend Marcus joined for another movie before we went bowling. I lost interest on and off during the movie, I think just because I was tired. When it was over, Brooke and her boyfriend showed up, and we went to Applebee's for dinner. Justin and Teresa met us there. Dinner was awesome. I was kind of nervous about it, just having such a big group and who would I sit by? People I didn't know or people I knew really well. It turned out being a ton of fun. I sat by Justin and Melissa. And we all know that when Justin and I get together it is a guaranteed hilarious time. After dinner we went bowling, which I've been looking forward to for like a week now, since I first suggested it. Everyone had a lot of fun. It's always hilarious watching the Kenyans do anything American. haha. ohhh man.

Saturday night I slept quite a while. haha. We went to bed probably close to 2, I'd say. I planned on getting up at 8:45 so I could drive up to Justin's church. I think because of my lack of sleep the night before, I slept in. I did set my alarm and when it went off I debated whether or not to get up. Melissa got up, so I decided to let her shower first. Then I just fell back asleep. She woke me up before she left to go to her sister's church up north (we weren't planning on going to the same one, so she could stay and visit with her sister, and I could leave and come back to springfield). I said goodbye to her, in my half sleep, and I just passed back out. I slept Sunday until 3 pm!!! Haha. I needed that. it put me back on my sleep schedule, almost. And I got a lot of sleep. I could have slept even longer but I made myself get up so I could come back and get some stuff done.

I'm really glad I went this weekend. It was soooooo good to spend time with Melissa and catch up. Gosh, she's so wonderful. And the Kenyans. I adore them :-) Probably just because their reactions to things are hilarious. Manny's so goofy. And I met a couple of people, so that was good too. :-)

Brooke, Melissa, and me. Oh man, we have so much fun together.

Justin with the Kenyans, Josh (back) and Manny

Marcus and Jeremy. These two are hilarious. I wish the spotlight would have been more on Marcus that night because he seriously will have you in stitches.

thinking

I think a huge part of my recent blood pressure issue has been work. I never really had high blood pressure until I started working on the unit. A lot of the other girls have told me the same thing. It just stresses you out.

I've been thinking about work a lot lately; especially since one of my patients passed away. I didn't have a relationship with him like Joe and I do, but I really, really respected and enjoyed conversations with this man. I was always so happy to see him (I feel awful saying that, because I know it means he was sick to be in the hospital). He was just a very pleasant person, always wearing a smile (despite all of the treatments he had been through), and conversations flowed so easily with him. He's the one who made me want to get a cat, which I still kind of want to get. I was very shocked when I got back to work (after being sick) and hearing that he passed away. Yes he was ill for a long time but I guess when someone doesn't really like as sick as they are, it doesn't hit you that they're very vulnerable. I was very sad to get the news, and I've been wrestling with it for about a week now. I wish I could have seen him one more time. Had one more conversation with him.

And with that news, I've been thinking about Joe and how incredibly hard I am going to take it when he passes on. I think that's a tough thing about being a nurse working with the same patients; for the most part we see the same people over and over as they return to receive more chemo, or heal from the side effects. I put myself in this position; to get attached to people. I have always had a difficult time saying goodbye to people, whether it was knowing I wouldn't see someone for a month, for the school year, for a year..... what made me think that deaths would be any different?

My heart is being ripped out over and over. Even last night, I found out that a patient I had the previous night had passed away; and I mean suddenly. He started to go bad around 6 am, before I left that morning. And when I returned at night, they said he passed away shortly after 9. In three hours..... three hours, life was stripped from him, or more so his family members. I think that's part of the reason that my job has suddenly become so stressful. I've met so many of our frequent patients and have gotten to know them and their families, that it's getting harder and harder to watch them suffer. And though sometimes I don't want to go to work, I really love my job. I couldn't imagine working in any other field, than with oncology patients.

So here I am praying that I can continually lay myself on the line.... that I can lay my heart out there on my sleeve, instead of shutting people out. That I won't think about how I'm going to feel when all is said and done, but that instead, I would seize every opportunity that I have to get to know people and serve them while I am here. That I would be different from the other nurses, and that my patients would see that difference in me. It is the most tremendous feeling when you're telling a patient that you're getting off shift but will be back the next night, and hearing them say how much they hope you're their nurse again that night. There are very few things you could say to me that would mean more than that.

Just a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating in my head.......

loving it

This weekend I drove home to see my friends and mom. It was pleasant to have everyone notice that I've lost weight (I guess I don't fully recognize it since I see myself in the mirror every day). After hearing their reaction, I decided to weigh myself. I weigh what I did my freshman year of college! I haven't weighed this in 4 years...... so I'm pretty happy.

I think the best reaction was my brother's, when I saw him on my way back to school. He FUH-REAKED. It's amazing because I was getting depressed about how much weight I had gained, and I have no motivation to do anything before or after work. And on days off I sleep the day away until the gym is probably closed. It must merely be from running around on the floor. Since my last doctor's appointment, which was probably a year and a half ago, I have lost 30 pounds. I also owe a shout out to Lean Cuisine. I usually eat one of those for dinner at work, with a yogurt and nutty bars. Haha, good combination, I know.

I miss the Tea Timers. It was so good to see some of them last night.

Haha this picture kills me..... actually I think it's the conversation that went with it. :-)

Me and Manny. He's so handsome in this shirt. Gosh I miss my Kenyans.