I'm just a stranger, even to myself

Anthony

2009-07-28T18:53:00.002-05:00

Last night I had a dream......... and it was so vivid, it hurt. Ironically it was concerning a family reunion (which I have coming up next weekend; not this weekend but the one after). There was one person I used to look forward to seeing every year. I mean, I would get excited for weeks to come, because I knew I'd get to see him. That person was my cousin, Tony.

I used to be such a dork around him. I didn't have a crush on him (though he was my 3rd cousin, so it wouldn't have been weird in the South), but I thought he was the most amazing person to be around. He always showed so much concern for me, and went out of his way to spend time with me. He was so kind to everyone, and made everyone feel special. He was very supportive during my childhood- we emailed back and forth, and he helped me cope with my parents' constant arguing. He always lifted my spirits and gave nothing but encouragement. No wonder why I looked forward to seeing him so much!

When I was a freshman in high school, he committed suicide. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever been faced with. It took years for me to heal. Praise the Lord for healing! But I still miss him terribly, and as family reunions get closer, I get sadder and sadder thinking about what it'd be like if he was still there.

In my dream last night, he was there......... and I remember the gratitude I felt in my heart to spend one more day with him. I never left his side. We sat on a picnic table bench and just talked the entire time. I don't remember everything we talked about, but I remember it was good.

Even though ambien messes with your body, it gives you vivid dreams, and I am so thankful for that. I'm so thankful that I got to see him again. And I got to hug him. I always wanted to hug him one more time........ and it felt real. It was so wonderful.

Moving On

2009-06-18T03:45:00.005-05:00

I've been bored lately (the past couple of nights) so to cure my boredom, I started packing. I packed the spare room up, packed all of my winter clothes, packed clothes I don't wear so I can take them to Goodwill..... I packed up a lot of my pictures/picture frames laying around. I realize that I won't be moving for a couple of months, but I am so antsy. If I send my resume' out, and apply, and they offer me a job immediately, I am 99% sure I'd leave immediately to go down there. I just have zero interest in being here anymore.

After talking to my mom, I decided that I will sell my furniture up here, so that I don't have to pay for a moving truck to haul it all down to FL. It's close to 1000, gas included, to rent one. And for that much, I'd rather just buy new stuff down there, because this couch & chairs were hand-me-downs. I don't even like them. The couch is too narrow to even lay on it, really. I mean, you can, but you feel like if you move you might fall off.

In the process of thinking about moving, I know that I'll need a spare bed; my brother & sister-in-law will probably visiting often, or at least I will have the niece & nephew spend the night/weekend to give them a break. So I will need a second bed. That inspired me to buy new bedding!!!!!!!

It's from Sears. It was kind of expensive, with the decorative pillows that I bought, but really not that bad. It is sitting in my trunk, however. I don't want it to reak of smoke, so I will sadly leave it out there until I move. Then the spare bedroom will be brown, teal & lime green (the colors I currently have in my bedroom). The colors of the new bedding make me STOKED for Florida. It's very colorful. I love it!

I wish I was more motivated to work on my resume'. I don't even know where to begin with it; completing the one after college was much easier, I think. We had a template to use, to list our clinical experience. But I don't really want to list all of my clinical experience, since I've had real experience in the hospital now. But I don't know what all to put on it!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr.

I knew today would be a good day; when I went to Target, Anchorman & Tommy Boy were on sale for $3.98 each! I have been wanting to buy Anchorman so badly!!!!!!! "Sky rockets in flight, pewwwwwwwwwwwww, afternoon delight........" :-D I am watching it right now.

I also watched Madea Goes to Jail tonight. I think it would've been much more enjoyable watching with someone, but I still think it was good. I bought it to fullfill my membership with Columbia House, because I was going to buy it in the store anyway. I own all the other ones and LOVE them. I love Tyler Perry. The movies are HILARIOUS and have a wonderful, wonderful message.

That's really it...... I suppose I will work on my resume' now...... I mean, what good is bookmarking 9 apartments without having a job down there first? :-)

past couple of days

2009-05-28T15:01:00.003-05:00

Rae, my sister-in-law's cousin, and I left Tuesday morning when I got out of work for Florida. She picked me up around lunch time. Shortly after we left, my phone rang. My heart jumped and then about stopped when I saw "Joe" on the caller ID. At first I got excited, because it didn't register that it wouldn't be him.... and my heart stopped because I knew what whoever was on the other line was calling to say. It was Jeanine- bless her heart for having the courage to call me. After I asked how she was, there was a pause. "He's gone." My heart started racing. "Was it peaceful?" I managed to get out, trying not to lose it, since I didn't want to make the situation awkward for Rae. "Autumn, oh my gosh, yes. It was so peaceful." Praise God. I am so incredibly happy that Joe is in Heaven right now. I kept thinking about it all day long... he is in HEAVEN! Meeting JESUS! I'm so thankful. And jealous :-) When I got off the phone, Rae encouraged me to cry if I wanted to. I thought about it, but I really didn't want to quite yet. I waited for my turn to drive, when she was laying in the backseat to put my sunglasses on and let er rip.

The most beautiful thing happened yesterday morning though. The song "Ten Thousand Angel" (the link I posted last time) came on.... as the sun was coming above the horizon... in Florida, of all places. At THAT VERY second. Crazy that it would appear during that song. I had been listening to praise and worship, thinking about Joe. And it was just kind of confirmation, from God, that the sun also rises. Things will be ok. Life will still go on. I will have my good days and bad days. But God is so faithful. And things will be alright.

On a happier note, I arrived to Florida and am surrounded by the ones I love so much. This morning my nephew woke me up, because he didn't want to wait to play with me. Normally I'd be steamed waking up at 8 am. but I was so happy, and thankful to have the opportunity. I love being here. And my heart needs this this week. Praise God for perfect timing.

hardest day of my life

2009-05-24T23:55:00.003-05:00

Today was officially the hardest day of my life... and I contemplated over that for a while, so my decision was thought out. Joe has progressively gotten sicker over the past week. It's hard to believe that I had a full conversation with him a week ago on the phone. I would have talked to him forever if I really thought it was the last time I'd converse with him. And I wish I could have recorded his voice, or him saying that he loved me. I hear it in my head, but it is different to hear in person.

I talked to Joe's wife yesterday and she said that he had gotten worse. He isn't really talking much, he just sleeps a lot. And I could hear the sorrow in her voice, as she lied that, "we're ok", as if trying to convince herself that it was the truth. My heart broke when her voice started to shake, as she said, "I know it won't be long. It won't be long, Autumn."

So I promised myself that no matter if I wanted to or not, I owed it to Joe to go see him one last time. It absolutely put knots in my stomach. I wanted the night at work to drag on forever, so that I wouldn't have to leave and drive up to their house. On the way up there I was shaky. I felt so nauseous that I could have pulled over and thrown up at least 5 times. But I kept taking deep breaths and listened to worship music.

When I pulled up to the driveway, I sat in my car for a good minute or so convincing myself to go in. I walked up to the house and it just felt different. Instead of the excitement and enthusiasm that usually takes over as I approach the door, it was panic and worry. I opened the door and didn't hear anyone. Then I looked over to my right; there was the hospital bed in the living room, over in the corner. And my stomach dropped. There laid a very pale, frail looking body... motionless except the rapid respirations that were going in and out of his lungs. I immediately looked away, choking back the tears. My eyes welled up and I could not be in this room alone with him. So I stood at the door, telling myself that I could walk back out; nobody had seen me. They wouldn't even know I was there. But I heard footsteps coming up the basement stairs. And I saw Jeanine. A smile wiped over her exhausted face, as she set the laundry down and came to kiss my cheek. She grabbed my hand and led me over to Joe, as I trailed behind her, afraid to come close to him. I'm sure the color drained from my face as I looked more closely at him. Where there was once muscle and meat, his bones were protruding on his legs. His rounded belly is now concave, as his skin rubbed against his ribs with every breath. She stared adoringly at him. I had a hard time keeping my eyes on him. I looked around the room like it was the first time I had been to their house, hoping that Jeanine wouldn't see the pain on my face.

After a few moments of silence, she began to tell me that the hospice nurse said that he wasn't in pain. The previous months of excruciating pain that he suffered; in his shoulders, his back, his legs and feet.... he couldn't feel it anymore. A deep sigh of relief escaped me. My jaw started to quiver as I fought back the tears. She stroked his hand as his eyes began to part, as he shifted his weight slightly in the bed. "Autumn is here, Joe! She came to see you." At first he closed his eyes, and I thought he was going to fall back asleep. But he fidgetted a little bit more in bed, and fought the sleep. His eyes parted again, and I managed to get "hi" out of my mouth. Jeanine said it again: "Joe, Autumn is here. She's standing right next to you." Slowly, he turned his head to follow my voice, as I said, "I'm right here Joe." His eyes met mine, and he tried to smile. "Hi" he said, as he reached his arm over towards me. I immediately grabbed his hand and began rubbing it between both of mine. And he didn't let go. And neither did I. Over the next hour and a half or so, he would look over at me periodically and say "hi baby," as if he wanted so badly to say more, but he was so out of breath.

Amazingly, I kept my composure the entire time. I visited with Jeanine while Joe slept, never leaving his side. I knelt on the floor over the rail on the hospital bed, constantly rubbing his hand, arm, or belly. We adjusted him from time to time, as his body kept maneuvering over onto his right side, in the corner of the bed. Ed, his brother, came in and spent some time with us. We talked about memories from the hospital, when I first took care of Joe. And they told me over and over again how thankful they were for me, and how much Joe loved me. I teared up from time to time, but I suppressed them, for I knew that once the first one trickled down my face, it was the end of me.

I didn't want to leave his side. But some more of his family came, and I felt like I was intruding on their time with him, though they insisted that I could stay as long as I wanted. I couldn't bring myself to hug him one final time, or to kiss his head. Instead, I hugged and kissed the family before I left. I knew if I spoke a single word in his direction, I would have sobbed. Right there, in front of everyone, who were already struggling to hold it together. So I just looked at him, and soaked in the last second that I would see him here on this earth.

The second I got out of the house, I felt my jaw start to quiver. I hurriedly put on my sunglasses as the tears began BURSTING out of my eyes. I sped-walked to my car and got in the driver's seat. My body began to shake as sobs escaped my chest.

The worship music continued to play as I made the drive back, crying the whole way. I prayed the whole way outloud. Sometimes expressing anger. Other times expressing adoration and thanksgiving for allowing me to be a part of this man's life. But always knowing and telling God that He is Good. And His timing is perfect; I full well believe that. Knowing Joe has forever changed me. I am a better person because he lived.

So this is your honey bun, Joe...... I'm rejoicing that you're going to Heaven; they're inheriting a comedian. I can already imagine how amazing Heaven is, and I cannot fathom how it is possible, but you're going to make it an even better place. And they're going to be so happy to have you. I rest in the fact that God is good, always. I'm going to miss you. So. Incredibly. Much. Thank you for loving me. I will forever love you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YELuKbD4nuw
This is one of the most beautiful songs (and one of my favorites). I want it played at the celebration of my life, whenever I go to be with Jesus. I'm loaning it to Joe. :-)

brokenness

2009-05-19T03:52:00.002-05:00

I got a phone call tonight that was disappointing, but I didn't think much about it.....

Joe was in the hospital this weekend and left today on hospice (which means he has very little time left). The more I think about it tonight, the more emotional I get. I have to go see him today..... and my heart is breaking. Because I don't think I can be strong in front of him, knowing this is potentially the last time I see him. I knew this was coming but it's so much harder than I had imagined. So, so much harder. He has brought so very much joy to my heart. I wouldn't take a moment of it back if I knew it'd hurt less. It was worth it.

Please pray for me. I'm going to be a wreck this week. I just know it.

the best wedding ever

2009-05-18T00:27:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in for-ev-er, but this isn't a general update, it's just about this past week/weekend. Wednesday morning at 7 am, I drove up to Wisconsin for Stacy's wedding. I got there about noon. All we really did Wednesday was hang out with Eric (her fiance), go tanning, and make tissue paper balls for the reception (that turned out AWESOME, by the way). I went to bed early since I had been up for over 24 hours.

Thursday morning we went to Madison with her parents and brother to pick up her wedding dress & the guys' tuxes. We also returned some of her shower gifts and tried to find clutches for the wedding. The rest of the day we just kind of sat around packing her room up to send stuff with Eric. Two of the other bridesmaids, Caitlin and Rachel, arrived Thursday night. We sat around talking and then made a run to Walmart to get nail polish with them and Stacy's brother, Mark. When we got back, Eric & his brother, Luke (the best man) were at Stacy's. We had a little meeting to discuss details that Luke and I needed to do as the best man and moh. I am surprised at how very very detail oriented those two guys are. It's impressive. It was the first time I had met Luke. I kind of thought as a pro football player, he might be a little big headed and into himself, but he was 100% happy big brother for Eric. It was awesome to see. They left, and then the three of us bridesmaids watched The Guardian with Mark. We may have fallen asleep at least 3 times during it because it was like 1:30 in the morning.

Friday morning we woke up semi-early. We went to Stacy's nail appointment, which took for-ev-er. Good thing we brought nail polish to do our own, and a camera to keep us entertained. Even then we struggled keeping ourselves occupied the two hours. She ended up getting done just in time for us to peace out to the salon to have her make-up done (practice run). The salon was about an hour away, so we grabbed Subway for the road and left. We looked through hairstyle magazines while she got her makeup done, trying to find styles for the wedding. After that, we helped set some stuff up at the reception hall, then got to the church to get ready for rehearsal. The rehearsal went really well. Everyone looked really good- we had everyone get dressed up for the occasion, to make for some good pictures. After that was the dinner, of course. It was fun. I sat with Katie, Caitlin, Rachel, Rory & Taylor Fry (childhood friends of Stacy's), and Mark. We had to take a quiz to see how well we knew the bride & groom. I got nine out of 16 WRONG and totally got called out for it, as the moh. But Mark made a smart alec comment to back me up. It was hilarious. Might I point out that one of the questions on the quiz was "what place that Eric & Stacy go to eat at makes Eric sick every time?"..... one of the answers was IHOP, but the font was really confusing. So Mark was like, "What is I-H-O-P?" and our table roared in laughter. Oh man.

After that, we went back to the reception hall to add some final touches. We ended up staying there for another hour, which made it laaaaate at night. Eric's family was hosting a game night for everyone who was in town for the wedding, so we eventually made our way to that to play a couple games of Catch Phrase. It was definitely the most people that I've ever played a game like that with. There were probably 26 or so of us playing? After about an hour or so, we drove home to get some sleep.

Saturday morning we all woke up early early early. We had to take 2 second showers (leaving our hair dirty of course, to be done), and get on the road to head to the salon. I volunteered to drive so that my car would be in town for me to leave Sunday morning (the wedding was an hour south of Stacy's hometown/house). Stacy and her mom wanted to ride with me, and since we were running a bit late, Stacy told me that I had to speed or she was going to drive (my car). So I pretty much flew on the back roads (she lives in the middle of nowhere). On our way approaching town, the worst thing imaginable happened; I got pulled over. :-( The state trooper walked up to my car and asked why I was speeding. I didn't want to give him a long drawn out story, so I just told him that we were on our way to the bride's hair appointment and were running a little late. He was not impressed or sympathetic towards my answer. Instead he asked why my ID was IL and my plates were MI. So I told him I recently moved (which isn't a lie.... good thing he didn't ask HOW recently). He asked if the other two cars pulled over 50 yards from us were with us. I said yes, so he said he'd mark me for 70 in a 55 instead of 72, which would save me $50. He took my ID back and it took him FOREVER to walk back up. He said "Try to have a better day" as he handed my ID back and walked away. Classy. We then proceeded to drive to the salon, of course not going a mark over the speed limit this time.

We all got our hair done; the ironic thing was that Caitlin, the girl with the shortest hair took longer than the BRIDE!!!!! My hair also took forever, because the lady underestimated the thickness of my hair. I have a lot. So it took probably close to an hour to curl all of it. It was hilarious when Lauretta (Stacy's mom) was getting her hair done. We were all telling her how pretty she was (she's gorgeous). And all of a sudden on the radio, "Stacy's Mom Has Got It Going On" came on. We all busted up laughing and belted it out to her. It was fun :-) I was mad though, because I left my makeup at church the night before to do touch-ups for the wedding, and never even thought "hey, I need it to put on the first application before the touch-ups". Dingbat. Luckily one of the personal attendants of Stacy ran in to town to the church to get it and brought it back. I applied my makeup on the way back to the church.

We arrived at the church shortly after 11 and began to get dressed. We were running late, once again, but had them take the guys' pictures instead of ours first so that everything would still be on time. As time drew nearer, I really thought Stacy was going to throw up. She sat in the chair saying how nauseous she was, with her dress on. I didn't know what to do but encourage her to take deep breaths. Then it was time.....

The singers they had were INCREDIBLE. Sounded very very much like Josh Groban singing The Prayer. I was blown away. It made everyone a little misty eyed. And then the moment... the bride entered the room. The wedding party had their eyes plastered on Eric, because we had a bet whether he'd cry or not. Actually it wasn't a bet, because everyone said he would. But there he was, smiling the most genuine, biggest smile I've ever seen on him as his face turned beet red, with tears STREAMING down his face, holding back sobs. It was the most beautiful moment between two people that I have ever witnessed. My eyes filled with tears, as I turned to look at Stacy. Her eyes started to turn bloodshot, and she looked away from Eric so that she wouldn't start bawling. The ceremony went on, and I continued to have tear-filled eyes all throughout the ceremony. Of course again when Eric surprised Stacy by singing "I Will Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman. She had no idea he was going to sing (the rest of us did), and he has such a beautiful voice. During the rehearsal the day before, the pastor kept forgetting the "you may now kiss the bride" part, so Eric was nervous he'd forget it at the wedding, but he remembered :-)

After the ceremony & receiving line went through, Luke and I went to the car to drive Eric & Stacy away. It was neat to be able to share the first moments with them, talking, screaming, and honking through town. All of the little details of the day faded away, as the most important thing was accomplished; they were married.

We took more pictures at the church, downtown, and at a garden before heading to the reception. Each of us couples walked in to a different song, as the DJ read a little "about us" thing that Eric & Stacy wrote (comical, of course). Since Luke plays football and our song was "Walk It Out", we sprinted in to the room carrying a football and huddled. We 'broke' then he hiked me the football. He took off running through the crowd and I fake dodged people running at me. A few seconds later, I threw him the football and ran to him. We jumped up and slapped backs, then spiked the football to do our touchdown dance, which was of course the "Walk It Out" dance. It was awesome. Everyone absolutely loved it, and were clapping and cheering.

The dinner was sooooooo good. Luke's speech was better than mine; obviously. He deals with media and gives inspirational speeches to like high schoolers and stuff all the time. So mine was lame compared to his, but it flowed pretty well and I had the crowd laughing a few times.

After dinner, Luke and I read the quiz to the crowd to see who knew Eric & Stacy best. One of the questions was actually "Who of the two has more speeding tickets?". The answer was they had the same amount, but Luke heard about my ticket and said that he thought it should count towards Stacy- and he told the crowd my story. They were all "awwwwwww"ing, as I sat there pouting haha. After the quiz was done, Luke went down to his parents table and they were talking. Then they called Eric over. Eric got really excited and ran to his friend in the back of the room and grabbed his top hat, and came running to the stage. He grabbed the microphone and made an announcement; Eric and Stacy felt HORRIBLE about me getting a ticket, and said that some of the guests wanted to donate some money to put towards my ticket, and asked everyone if they'd be willing to put in a dollar or two to see if we could get it paid off. And one of the groomsmen, who is quite possibly the most hilarous guy ever, took it around from table to table trying to get people to donate. When all was said and done, we counted up $100 even!!!! My ticket is $160, but that was suuuuuuuuuuuch a huge blessing to have that much of it paid for. I got teary eyed when Eric made the announcement. That was so wonderful of them to do. One little kid brought me a sack of candy (it was like a little 2x3 inch bag that people could go to the candy table and fill their party favor bag with). His mom said that he was made that he didn't have his allowance there, but wanted to give me something, because he felt so terrible for me. He was 3 years old, tops. It was adorable!!!!!

Then came the dancing..... which pretty much took up our whole night. Us bridesmaids were on the dance floor probably 3/4 of the night. It was awesome. A good portion (probably a little more than half) of the guests were college aged, so they had a TON of people on the dance floor the entire night. Even some of the older couples were out there a lot too. It was just absolutely the best wedding reception I've ever been too. Everything flowed well and everyone had such an incredible time.

I decided to make the almost 5 hour trip back after the wedding, since I didn't want to pay for a hotel, now that I have a ticket to pay off. I struggled the last hour and a half but made it back around 4 am.

Greatest few days I've had in soooooooooooooo long. Or ever. I had so incredibly much fun this weekend. I haven't laughed so much in so long. Thank You, Jesus.... for blessing me so very richly.

what have I been doing?

2009-04-06T18:49:00.003-05:00

The last few days I have been incredibly productive; I got everything cleaned that I needed to, bridal shower invitations bought, filled out, and addressed, I got some financial stuff taken care of, I got both of my bridesmaids dresses (though I still have to get Stacy's altered this week so it's ready by the wedding).... I have gotten a lot of sleep too!

Man, I haven't written in a while. Nothing has really happened recently besides wedding planning stuff. It's very stressful to be Maid of Honor in 2 weddings this summer. I know that the bridal showers & bachelorette stuff is sitting on my shoulders. I hate that none of the bridesmaids really know each other too well in either wedding too; I know I'll be the one paying for decorations, food, etc for both of them. But luckily I probably won't be Maid of Honor in anymore weddings. Bridesmaids, yes. But not MOH. It really truly was wonderful seeing Stacy last weekend though and getting to plan some stuff/getting filled in on all of the wedding events. Gosh, I cannot believe she's getting married in a MONTH!!!!!! I am so freaking stoked for them. They are the most beautiful couple ever. They're going to make gorgeous babies.

I have been to Olivet two of the past 3 weekends. It's been wonderful to see everyone and spend time with them. It's always so stressful though because everyone wants to spend time with me, and I feel like I'm disappointing people by not spending more time with them and less time with the others. Oh well. At least I made an effort to see them at all, right?

I got a phone call a few days ago; Joe is back in the hospital. :-( He was admitted with lower extremity weakness- he hasn't really been able to walk at home. After an MRI & CT scan, they discovered that the tumor has spread down his spinal column (on the inside). The radiation oncologists are very confident that they can get rid of it with 10 treatments, so he started his first one today. Good news is that they don't see tumor in his brain! But I really hope they get rid of this...... I've gone up to see him the past 2 nights, and probably will again tonight. How pathetic is that? Even on my days off I spend every night up there. It's been great visiting with him though, and his friend Bill, who came to spend the week in the hospital with him so Jeanine could get some rest at home (she's the principal of a grade school- Bill is retired). Those two men are hilarious together. I think it's absolutely incredible that they were GRADE SCHOOL friends.... and here they are 60+, still best friends. I adore Bill; he too is a wonderful Christian man who I've had quite a few wonderful discussions with recently.

I bought a few movies this week; Slumdog Millionaire, Marley & Me, John Q, and We Are Marshall. I bought Slumdog because of all the hype & recognition it's gotten. I wasn't disappointed with it, so to say, but I don't see what the big deal was about. Yeah, it was good, but I probably wouldn't have bought it, had I rented it first. I love love love John Q though, and haven't been able to find it in stores, so I ordered that & Marley online. I'm going to watch Marley & Me, as well as We are Marshall tonight. I'll let you know what I think.

I am spending Easter at one of my patients' house. He and his wife invited me over for Easter dinner (lunch). I work Saturday night so it's going to be hard to stay up all Sunday morning & afternoon at their house, but it'll be nice to see them. It'll be nice to spend the holidays with a family too. I'm a bit intimidated though, because like ALL of their families are going to be there. And I don't know any of them. I would rather spend Easter with a family I was more comfortable with. Joe invited me, and I wanted to say yes badly, but I don't want to go back on my word to Pat. I know they'd be disappointed. Ande also just tried inviting me, which would be INCREDIBLE to spend it with her family; I love her family dearly. Her parents are amazing Christians, and her brothers are hilarious. Ugh, if only their timing had been better........

humbled beyond words

2009-03-18T22:10:00.002-05:00

I don't know what else to put in the title..... but I was blown away by the gift that God has given me this week. Last weekend was my first time 'rapid responding' a patient. That means that you call in a team of respiratory therapists to trouble shoot when a patient isn't breathing/breathing well. I was scared; one of my patients has a tumor in her throat, and she's been getting radiation. The tumor is sloughing off (diminishing) from radiation. As a result, she has all this gunk in her throat and can't clear it out. I was scared, as I didn't know what to do. It was really a situation we all felt helpless in. We ended up intubating her and I took her up to ICU. I was worried about her all weekend, wondering if/how she was going to recover from all of this.

Well when I got back to work the other night, I saw her name on the patient census. And I saw that I had her that night (meaning she was sent back from ICU and was stable). After researching my patients, I knocked on her door and peeked my head in. She got tears in her eyes, and just started BEAMING thanking me for all that I did for her. She grabbed my hand and would not let go. It was one of the most incredible moments of my life. I helped save her. If I would have just let her go on struggling to clear this gunk from her throat, she might not have/probably wouldn't have made it. I felt so rewarded. A confirmation that I do make a difference in this world. In a huge way. And I've never been so proud/humbled in my life. We ended up having a talk late that night about life. And about how wonderful care we took of her; it made her wish that she would've taken a little more time to care for the others she served when she was working. It's incredible to me that I would ever have that impact on someone; making them want to be a better person. Wow. Humbled isn't even the word.

On a completely different note, I watched The Real World tonight and admittedly started balling at the end of it. Those who watched know what I'm talking about. I was SOBBING, like I know him and what he's going through. But I have absolutely no clue..... and I cannot imagine being in that situation as Ryan, his family, his friends, or his girlfriend.

The other EXCITING news that I got is that my friend, Ande, is going to be my pseudo-roommate. She has clinicals here at my hospital next semester, so she's going to come spend every Thursday night/Friday afternoon at my apartment!!!! There are a few weeks where she has clinicals Thursday & Friday, so she'll be here Wednesday-Friday. That blesses my soul so much. I cannot even tell you how happy that will make me. :-D I am soooooo excited! It'll be wonderful to be able to chat with her face to face once a week, pray together like we used to....... thank you Jesus, for an incredible last couple of days.

good weekend

2009-03-16T04:04:00.003-05:00

I debated whether or not I would really go up to school this weekend. I had planned on going up to school to see everyone a few weeks ago, when I made my schedule after I decided not to go skiing. So I was pumped that I'd have a whole weekend with Tea Timers. Little did I know that this is their spring break. So I asked who'd still be around, and there were like 3 of them that said they would be. I went back and forth between wanting to go and not wanting to go. Then Thursday night when I coded my first patient, I was exhausted (emotionally) and physically after working 3 12's in a row. I just kind of wanted to be alone and relax all weekend. But I forced myself to stay true to my word, so I decided after sleeping Friday morning that I'd still go.

The first night I met Josh, Manny and Melissa at Manny's. We watched a movie, and one of the other tea timers who I haven't gotten to know at all, Jeremy, came. He was always really quiet at Tea Time, and usually I was too during discussion because I was absorbing every word of wisdom that everyone else had to say. But it turns out that he's hilarious. We were cracking jokes all night during the movie we watched. I stayed at Melissa's, since Aaron and Alysha were gone.

That night I slept horribly. I think it was a combination of a) not being used to sleeping at night, b) still thinking about what happened the night before at work, c) the room was a little stuffy, compared to how I normally sleep, and d) the unfamiliar noises. I'm generally a very light sleeper anyway, so none of this is new to me, sleeping somewhere unfamiliar. I fell asleep at like 9 am until 10:40 when we got up (I slept randomly off and on). It didn't help that the air mattress had a slow leak so my butt was on the hard wood floor. Haha.

That day was pretty low key though. The four of us were at Manny's just watching TV and a couple of movies (they didn't like Lars, which was disappointing to me :-( ). Jeremy and his friend Marcus joined for another movie before we went bowling. I lost interest on and off during the movie, I think just because I was tired. When it was over, Brooke and her boyfriend showed up, and we went to Applebee's for dinner. Justin and Teresa met us there. Dinner was awesome. I was kind of nervous about it, just having such a big group and who would I sit by? People I didn't know or people I knew really well. It turned out being a ton of fun. I sat by Justin and Melissa. And we all know that when Justin and I get together it is a guaranteed hilarious time. After dinner we went bowling, which I've been looking forward to for like a week now, since I first suggested it. Everyone had a lot of fun. It's always hilarious watching the Kenyans do anything American. haha. ohhh man.

Saturday night I slept quite a while. haha. We went to bed probably close to 2, I'd say. I planned on getting up at 8:45 so I could drive up to Justin's church. I think because of my lack of sleep the night before, I slept in. I did set my alarm and when it went off I debated whether or not to get up. Melissa got up, so I decided to let her shower first. Then I just fell back asleep. She woke me up before she left to go to her sister's church up north (we weren't planning on going to the same one, so she could stay and visit with her sister, and I could leave and come back to springfield). I said goodbye to her, in my half sleep, and I just passed back out. I slept Sunday until 3 pm!!! Haha. I needed that. it put me back on my sleep schedule, almost. And I got a lot of sleep. I could have slept even longer but I made myself get up so I could come back and get some stuff done.

I'm really glad I went this weekend. It was soooooo good to spend time with Melissa and catch up. Gosh, she's so wonderful. And the Kenyans. I adore them :-) Probably just because their reactions to things are hilarious. Manny's so goofy. And I met a couple of people, so that was good too. :-)

Brooke, Melissa, and me. Oh man, we have so much fun together.

Justin with the Kenyans, Josh (back) and Manny

Marcus and Jeremy. These two are hilarious. I wish the spotlight would have been more on Marcus that night because he seriously will have you in stitches.

thinking

2009-03-04T21:34:00.002-06:00

I think a huge part of my recent blood pressure issue has been work. I never really had high blood pressure until I started working on the unit. A lot of the other girls have told me the same thing. It just stresses you out.

I've been thinking about work a lot lately; especially since one of my patients passed away. I didn't have a relationship with him like Joe and I do, but I really, really respected and enjoyed conversations with this man. I was always so happy to see him (I feel awful saying that, because I know it means he was sick to be in the hospital). He was just a very pleasant person, always wearing a smile (despite all of the treatments he had been through), and conversations flowed so easily with him. He's the one who made me want to get a cat, which I still kind of want to get. I was very shocked when I got back to work (after being sick) and hearing that he passed away. Yes he was ill for a long time but I guess when someone doesn't really like as sick as they are, it doesn't hit you that they're very vulnerable. I was very sad to get the news, and I've been wrestling with it for about a week now. I wish I could have seen him one more time. Had one more conversation with him.

And with that news, I've been thinking about Joe and how incredibly hard I am going to take it when he passes on. I think that's a tough thing about being a nurse working with the same patients; for the most part we see the same people over and over as they return to receive more chemo, or heal from the side effects. I put myself in this position; to get attached to people. I have always had a difficult time saying goodbye to people, whether it was knowing I wouldn't see someone for a month, for the school year, for a year..... what made me think that deaths would be any different?

My heart is being ripped out over and over. Even last night, I found out that a patient I had the previous night had passed away; and I mean suddenly. He started to go bad around 6 am, before I left that morning. And when I returned at night, they said he passed away shortly after 9. In three hours..... three hours, life was stripped from him, or more so his family members. I think that's part of the reason that my job has suddenly become so stressful. I've met so many of our frequent patients and have gotten to know them and their families, that it's getting harder and harder to watch them suffer. And though sometimes I don't want to go to work, I really love my job. I couldn't imagine working in any other field, than with oncology patients.

So here I am praying that I can continually lay myself on the line.... that I can lay my heart out there on my sleeve, instead of shutting people out. That I won't think about how I'm going to feel when all is said and done, but that instead, I would seize every opportunity that I have to get to know people and serve them while I am here. That I would be different from the other nurses, and that my patients would see that difference in me. It is the most tremendous feeling when you're telling a patient that you're getting off shift but will be back the next night, and hearing them say how much they hope you're their nurse again that night. There are very few things you could say to me that would mean more than that.

Just a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating in my head.......

loving it

2009-03-02T07:22:00.004-06:00

This weekend I drove home to see my friends and mom. It was pleasant to have everyone notice that I've lost weight (I guess I don't fully recognize it since I see myself in the mirror every day). After hearing their reaction, I decided to weigh myself. I weigh what I did my freshman year of college! I haven't weighed this in 4 years...... so I'm pretty happy.

I think the best reaction was my brother's, when I saw him on my way back to school. He FUH-REAKED. It's amazing because I was getting depressed about how much weight I had gained, and I have no motivation to do anything before or after work. And on days off I sleep the day away until the gym is probably closed. It must merely be from running around on the floor. Since my last doctor's appointment, which was probably a year and a half ago, I have lost 30 pounds. I also owe a shout out to Lean Cuisine. I usually eat one of those for dinner at work, with a yogurt and nutty bars. Haha, good combination, I know.

I miss the Tea Timers. It was so good to see some of them last night.

Haha this picture kills me..... actually I think it's the conversation that went with it. :-)

Me and Manny. He's so handsome in this shirt. Gosh I miss my Kenyans.

the sickness of Satan and light of God

2009-02-22T23:11:00.003-06:00

This sickness has been drawn out for farrrrrr too long, and I'd appreciate if it would go back to hell. I went to the doctor... I don't even remember what day it was now; she called me back in to go over my labs. Aparently I'm going hypothyroid (thanks mom and dad for the horrible gift). And my blood pressure was in the 160s/110!!!! (Which is badddd). That is what's causing my headaches, most likely. So I have begun taking BP meds. The thing that steams me is that she didn't do anything to figure out WHY my blood pressure is that high. You can treat it, but isn't it smart to figure out the source, so you can take care of that? That's my thinking anyway. So here I've been, laying on the couch for over a week now. I've missed four days of work (which I feel horribly guilty about, but there's not really much I can do about it).

I am terrified that I won't be able to go home next weekend, which I have been looking forward to for so long now. I just want to see my friends and my momma. But there's no way I am making a 5 & 1/2 hour drive to see them feeling like this. It'll compromise myself and everyone else on the road, with my dizziness, which I'm not up for.

Anyway, after I got home from the doctor, I texted a couple of my friends to please be praying, and that I didn't know what was going on (they had been praying for me all week before I went to the doctor). I also called my boss, who was surprised that they weren't admitting me to the hospital. My friends started to freak (it's high enough that I could stroke or pass out). And being previous/current nursing majors, they knew it was pretty serious. Christina called me, and I was balling my head hurt so bad, but I was trying to disguise it (I knew she knew that I was crying, but not to the full extent of fighting back sobs). So what does she do? Jumps in her jeep and says she's on her way.... she made a 2 & 1/2 hour trip to see me, not stopping by her apartment to get stuff to stay the night, though she knew she was going to, just because that would have delayed her from getting here. Meanwhile, I finally was so exhausted that I passed out (which I hadn't been sleeping because the headache has kept me awake at all hours). And poor Ande was at clinical when she got my text. She was already having a horrible day (I later found out), and here she is torn whether to just leave clinical and book it to my apartment or wait until clinical was over, hours later.

When Christina got here, she just came and laid beside me in bed, holding my hand and stroking my head. Thankfully, Ande decided not to come until the next day, when Christina was going to leave (I didn't need both of them at the same time). Christina was so wonderful, getting me medicine, stuff to drink......

Ande came the next morning. Christina decided to spend the day with us, and go back later. So they laid around with me, keeping me company. We watched a couple of movies together. Ande was playing nurse and brought her stethoscope and BP cuff (mine are at work). My BP was still really high, but it had come down a little bit. Gosh, it just blessed my heart that they would come see me. And show so much concern. (Christina ended up staying another night too, while Ande went back home. I bet she wished she would have stopped to grab clothes & stuff before she came then. haha).

God is just so absolutely wonderful. (Aaaaand I'll start crying again momentarily, thinking about it). He gave me the most incredible friends. I met them only a year ago.... they've been so faithful in prayer, in accountability, in compassion. They are the type who would truly do ANYTHING for those that they loved. They've demonstrated that to me time and time again. I absolutely don't feel like I deserve them.

I miss those girls so much. Their time here made me miss the times we've spent together. I miss being at school and being able to see them every day. To hug them. To hold their hands. To cuddle while watching movies. To laugh our faces off. To cry together. To pray for each other. To challenge one another. To just walk over and see them between classes, because I could. I took so much of that for granted while at school (of course until the last week, when it set in that we were graduating, and we never left Christina's apartment unless absolutely necessary). They're two of the best people that I have ever, EVER met.

God is sooooo good. And I am so incredibly grateful that even through this horrible week, His power and goodness still outshines the darkness.

I laughed

2009-02-19T04:13:00.003-06:00

Today is the first day I've laughed in days...... I have felt horrible lately. It started... I don't remember what day it was. One of my days off last weekend, I think it was Friday, I got sick. I woke up and I felt HORRIBLY dizzy. It reminded me of last year, around this time, when I got sick. It was the same exact thing. I was dizzy, only it lasted for weeks. Because I was dumb enough to let it go that long. Long story short, it ended up being a horrible sinus infection. So I figured this is exactly what it was this time. But I didn't feel like going to the doctor, because I didn't want to waste my day off in the office waiting. So I slept it off. And the next day did the same. The next day I called in to work sick, which I felt awful doing, because I know they're short on nights, but there's no way I could have gone to work. I finally got in to the doctor the next day, I think it was. And she gave me meds for a sinus infection (which have started to help. A post-nasal drip is a good sign :-)). But she was also really concerned about my blood pressure. My dad and oldest brother both have hypertension and have been on meds for a long time. I think I'll probably have to go on meds; the doctor thinks it has something to do with my dizziness. She asked my permission to do a blood work up and urine study (to see if everything's functioning like it should be; sometimes if the kidneys don't get enough blood supply, they don't get rid of what they're supposed to do). Ick. I did not want to have to be on medication. It's not the end of the world though, I suppose.

So I've laid around feeling awful for almost a week now. I have only been out to go to the doctor, and get my prescription filled. So really I've been inside for 5 days now. It's getting lonely, and boring. I have had to lay down because sitting up has made my head hurt.

The other day, Joe freaked out when he heard I was sick and wanted me to call him when I left the doctor's office. "Well, you don't have to I guess. I shouldn't be nosey." Haha I called him but he was napping, so I said I'd just email him. So I did. And I didn't hear back from him that night. I figured he just didn't check it until the morning. So he calls me, and he's like, "Well do you think you're going to work tomorrow (Wednesday night)?" And I said I didn't think so, not if my boss could find someone to cover me another night. And I asked why. "Well I was going to take the girls donuts in the morning. But if you're not going to be there, I'm not taking anything in." And I told him that he still should, that they'd love to see him. "No, I'm only going if you're there. I'm not in the mood for everyone else." haha. Gosh I love him. I feel honored that he specifically wanted to come see me.

Anyway, I called him again tonight to let him know that Beth found someone to cover me, and that I wouldn't be there in the morning. I talked to his wife because he was napping. We talked for a little bit, and then she said she'd have him call me, if I was going to be up (they're always so worried to wake me). I told her I'd love to hear from him- always. So I was laying down, ready to pass out, when my phone rang. "Is this Autumn?" (he screams into the phone like I am deaf, and I knew it was him). "Yes it is." "Hi, this is doctor Schmidt, I'm filling in for your regular doctor. She wanted me to let you know that you got her sick, and she's pretty upset about it, quite frankly." Oh gosh, I laughed so hard. He continued on, though I could hear him pausing to chuckle. I love his sense of humor.

I don't know why I just wrote about all of this. I thought it was hysterical. And it's the first time I laughed in days. I'm so blessed. It's hard to feel blessed and be positive when you're feeling so ill. And it was definitely a reminder that God is faithful. Through all things. And I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful, wonderful friend, who loves me so much and cares so much about me (he's been calling me every day to see how I've felt, like I try to do with him). It's so rewarding.

I do feel better. Not back to myself, but I can sit up in a chair now without feeling the urge to vomit. So that's good. Thankfully two of the LPNs covered me tonight so I could spend one more night recovering. I return to work tonight (Thursday).... which I'm nervous about. A 12 hour shift seems overbearing right now. But I know that God will see me through it. And I will survive til morning. (I have to... I don't have any more sick days accumulated. haha).

I just cannot wait to go home next week...... my heart longs for it so badly. One week from today til I get to hold them...........

Reflecting

2009-02-15T03:26:00.002-06:00

I cannot even begin to say how ready I am to get out of here. August cannot come quick enough. I just want my lease to be over so I can bust out of here. Granted, I do like my job. I like the people I work with. I don't have a ton of complaints about work at all. I just have no social life here. And my heart is aching so badly to see my nephew, and watch them grow up. Landunn wanted to call me yesterday morning, so Heidi dialed the number for him. While we were talking, he was like, "Do you want to come play with me?" Without any control over my emotions, my heart was ripped out, and I started sobbing. "Yes, Landunn. I would love to." I managed to get out. More than he will ever know, I want to come play with him. I would give anything to have him jumping on my stomach again, or hiding under the blankets saying "be safe", as we hide from mommy & daddy.

While I'm on the nephew rant, I was thinking today..... how something so awful in my eyes turned out to be one of the greatest gifts ever. I remember getting the phone call 3 years ago today (well yesterday; Valentine's Day) that Heidi was pregnant. I was sooooooo upset with the circumstances. I was speechless. I couldn't even pretend like I was happy for them, because I was let down. But after a few days, I was able to accept that which I could not change. And now..... I realize that it was the best Valentine present ever. I love him so much.

I cannot wait to go home in two weeks. I had planned on going skiing up North in MI with some dear friends of mine. But things weren't really settled. There was still an indefinite aspect to the whole thing. And I didn't want my hopes to be crushed, so instead of being let down, I just decided I would go home that weekend, and go visit those friends another weekend. Not often do I have 4 days off in a row, so I figured I'd use them to my advantage and make the 6 hour drive home. I cannot wait to hug my friends. I hate being so far from them. And I'll actually get to help do wedding stuff with Beth. It's going to be such a wonderful weekend. I'm hoping that I'll get to meet up with Dawn in Jackson as well. I was watching videos we made almost a year ago when she stayed the night, and I was laughing ridiculously. I've been blessed with some pretty incredible people in my life.

I bought a book that I am very excited to read; Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I've read it before, and it's probably in my top 5 (well top 3) books. But I hadn't bought it until now. I went to Barnes last weekend hoping they had it, but they didn't. And I was just randomly browsing through Walmart's shelves (clearly a God thing), and there it was.... the only copy. There wasn't even a place on the shelf that said "Redeeming Love". It was random. And I was so amped to see it! And for only 12 dollars. If I would've bought it at Barnes, it probably would've been like 20. Woo!!!!

I've been obsessing over music from the 80s and 90s. Seriously, I downloaded a ridiculous amount of songs from those eras last night. They make me so happy. They're not degrading women, they aren't talking about anatomical parts, they're just talking about love, and emptiness. They make me happy. I'm pumped for the car ride home because I have a pretty lengthy playlist to keep me company. I'll be the girl you drive by, and she's belting the song out in her car. And you're making fun of her because she's really into it. And I'll be proud of it. So back off.

I so badly want to find the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with....... I know patience is making me stronger and wiser. But I just really long to share my life with someone.....

good night and weird news

2009-02-10T03:30:00.002-06:00

Yesterday (well I guess now it's 'technically' the other morning) when I got out of work, I headed up to see Ande. On the way, I stopped by to see Joe, which was wonderful of course. We chatted for quite a while. I stayed a lot longer than I had anticipated.

It was so wonderful to see Ande. We talked for a while, until she had to study/take a quiz online... numb nursing school :-) I helped her study by questioning and explaining things to her. Finally though, I about passed out while she studied quietly. She asked Christina to come down and see us, which I didn't think would happen because it was already after 7. And Christina had class the next morning. It's about a 1 hour and 45 minute trip from Olivet. But by golly, she made the trip and spent the night with us. It was so awesome to be back with those two. We all slept in Ande's bed, which was a reminder of the last week of school back in May; we all laid the mattresses out in christina's apartment on the floor and slept curled up next to each other (only there was sometimes like 7 or 8 of us laying together). I miss those days so much.

While I was getting ready to go to sleep, my mom sent me a text. Our old neighbor was found dead in her house! She was shot in the head 5 times. I am absolutely blown away!!!! Stuff like that 'doesn't happen', ya know? Not to people you know. It breaks my heart, because she has a son who's in 4th grade.

Other than that, nothing is new. I've been working a lot. I work the next 2 & 1/2 days (I am working bonus tomorrow just for 4 hours... and hopefully they don't beg me to work the whole night since I'm already there, because I don't want to really). However the money is beneficial. I have 2 friends getting married, so I have to throw a bridal shower for each, which is usually costly. I just hope the other bridesmaids help me in buying stuff; decorations, the food, plates & stuff. I don't want to be the sugar mama.

Valentine's Day makes me hopeful for the future. I so badly want to find who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.....

HILARIOUS! ok, maybe only if you heard it

2009-02-06T02:21:00.002-06:00

The other day, I was talking to Joe on the phone. I had just crawled into bed, and I may have been a little slap happy, when my phone rang. I knew it was him because he's the only person that calls me in the mornings. He was explaining everything that he had said in his email, about what the tests had found (because he's getting radiation to his brain, his memory is fading. His short term memory is being affected; he could tell you something and 4 seconds later forget that he told you). So I just listened again, as he added more detail than he explained in his email.

He stopped for a second and told me to start praying for myself. I kind of chuckled. "Joe, why would I be praying for myself? I'm praying for YOU and your family!" "No, Jeanine and I are just fine. I just know how much you love me, and I love you too. Have I ever told you that? I can't remember. Anyway, I know how upsetting this all is for you, and I just pray that you will be ok through all of this." "Joe, you don't need to be worrying about me." "OH!!!! What a relief!!! I don't need to worry about Autumn. Cross her off the list, cuz I don't need to worry about her." Meanwhile, I am CRACKING UP!!!! You have to hear his voice, and hear how animated it was when he was saying what a relief it was. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop coughing. This in turn made him start laughing hysterically. When we gained our composures, he said, "you and Jeanine laugh at some of the dumbest things that come from my mouth. I don't understand you two." :-D

He absolutely made my day. And even when I recall that conversation, I start laughing all over again. Laughter is therapeutic. And I know that's why I'm handling this situation as well as I am.....

Anyway, I had last night and tonight off (I was supposed to go to a meeting tonight but I took benadryl at 10 am and slept right on through it until almost 10 pm. It wasn't a mandatory meeting- I was just invited). I've been so bored lately. I hate getting up and going to work. But on my days off, I'm so stinking bored. I bought myself a Disney princess coloring book last night at the store, along with a 64 pack of crayons. :-) That's what I did until the wee hours of the morning yesterday, and I've colored a couple more pictures today. How lame am I?

21 more days until the skiing trip!!!!!!! I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am. Last year it was the best weekend ever. Seriously, there were so many memories created. Hopefully nobody breaks their arm this year (BROOKE!). I'm terrified of skiing, but I think that's what's so exciting about it. I have the potential to crash into trees, kids, buildings.... what a good story that'd make for! Lets hope it doesn't happen though. The whole clan has talking about last year's trip all year! It makes me happy how much we all look forward to that time of fellowship & rejuvination. It drew us closer together last year, and I know it will do the same this year, as we spend 6 hours in the car one way, laughing, singing, and story telling.

..............21 more days.............

Blessed Be Your Name

2009-02-03T03:00:00.003-06:00

I think this song has always been and will always be my favorite worship song, because it encompasses so many of life's moments. The beautiful and the ugly. The happy and the sorrowful. I think it has a lot to do with faith, and the choice that we make. "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." It's about a choice. Though there's pain in the offering, I still choose to believe and trust God.

My heart is indeed heavy tonight.... I was being prepared for this, but it's not something anyone wants to watch happen. Joe's cancer is back full force. They did a CT/PET scan of his body this week to determine the progression of it.... and the results were anything but good. Not only is Joe's brain tumor back, but the cancer has spread down his neck, wrapped around his pancreas, and is filling his lymph nodes (which makes it easier to spread).

Though I am heart broken, I take comfort in knowing that My Father feels the same pain. There's no feeling like being understood. I rejoice, for I know the place that He has prepared for us. But I mourn selfishly for the loss that will take place. I think my biggest concern right now is that I have a tendency to pull away when I know that my heart is going to break. I do it often. When I was in Florida, I spent the last morning there kind of secluded, as if it'd make it easier to say goodbye to my family (the rest of the day I spent with them, but I still had a little pity party to myself). We're always looking for a way to make things easier on ourselves. But I don't want to bail. I want to soak up every second before my heart is ripped out. Because I will never get this time back. I want to make the most of it, for it is so valuable to me.

I sit here, the room dimly lit from a strand of white lights around my window. Hot chocolate by my side. "Blessed Be Your Name" on repeat. Tears streaming down my face. And somehow..... somehow..... I know that things are going to be ok.

"Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe."

2009-01-29T01:05:00.002-06:00

This week has been cah-razy busy. I worked 3 days, had 1 off, worked 2 more, had today off, work the next two, have one off.... I don't have two days off in a row for another 2 weeks. *sigh* But I am looking forward to my paycheck, that is for sure. It will be pretty fat... especially with the bonus shifts I've been picking up. Hopefully I'll pay extra on my student loans the next couple of months. I so badly want to get those paid down/off. But I'm not going to break my back doing it.

I had been wondering how Joe was doing, down at the hospital. He was supposed to have his stem cell transplant yesterday. Key word: supposed to. I hadn't heard from him for a few days (the 3 days I worked in a row) so I was getting ready to call him, when I opened an email from him. He started off by apologizing and begging me to not let myself get upset over the news he had to tell me. My heart started racing. He had some blurred vision for a couple of weeks, and neglected to mention that to the doctors, for fear of what they'd find. "Now, how dumb is that? Here, my life is on the line, and I'm thinking, if I don't tell her about my eyes, then the problem will go away. Duh! I believe that's what's called denial. Ha! Is it still called denial when I know I'm in denial?" So the doctor did what he thought she would; she drew fluid out from his Ommaya reservoir (a dome shaped device that has a thin tube attached to administer chemo to the brain/spinal cord). They found cancer cells in his cerebral spinal fluid. :-( And your body has to be cancer cell free in order for them to wipe your system of stem cells. So they sent him home. His cancer is back :-( Yes, his tumor was still there after the last round of chemo, but it wasn't growing or spreading so it seemed harmless. It just cracked me up...... here the man is told that his cancer is back, and he's having a harder time telling me than facing the realization himself.

I am sad. But I know that God is in control of the situation. And there's nobody I'd rather have in control than Him. And I praise God for the strong faith that Joe & his wife share. It makes things so much.... I don't know if 'better' is the word, but it's more bareable knowing that there is a purpose behind this. And that they too trust God in the situation. What do non-believers have to cling to? Bitterness? Hate? I'm so thankful that Joe can enjoy the time with his family instead of letting those bitter feelings harbor in his soul. That he can find peace in this. And want others to do the same. What a blessing. Though I am sad, I just praise God for bringing such a wonderful human being into my life to spread the JOY that he does. My cup runneth over.

So what are they going to do? As of right now, radiation, which he starts tomorrow. Please be praying for him. Please. That he can remain strong and get stronger with time. That his family would have strength, so they don't feel defeated.

God is faithful. And I never want to lose sight of that, no matter what crappy things happen. He is still and will always be faithful.

.wonderful weekend.

2009-01-18T18:53:00.002-06:00

This weekend was so wonderful (well the last 36 hours... same thing really). When I got out of work yesterday morning, I was going to nap before Christina came; I had discussed going there this weekend, to school, but it's always so tough for me. There are so many people there that I know, that I'm friends with. And I always end up running into people, whether it's in the store, or word of mouth, and I feel obligated to make time for them as well. Really, I just wanted to go see my brother & Alysha, some people from Tea Time, and Christina. But every time I do, I'm so torn because people demand my time, and I feel bad, like I'm hurting peoples' feelings by spending time with someone else. So she decided to come here instead, which was awesome. So after work I just took a shower and waited around for her arrival.

I was staring out the window around the time she said she'd be here (we were texting when she got close). I was waiting for her jeep to pull in. Instead, this white car comes whipping in that looks like another friend of mine (and Christina's roommates). I was like, "Aww that looks like Stacy's car." And what do you know? It pulls in next to mine. Hmmmm... so I bent down to get a better look. Christina was in the passenger seat.... and Stacy was in the driver's seat. STACY CAME TOO!?!?! They called me but I hung up on them as I bolted down the stairs to let them in. Awwwww my girls. :-) It was such a wonderful surprise. So I spent the day with them instead of sleeping. A couple of times I got kind of tired, but we were on the move mostly all day until after dinner. We went to lunch, I showed Stacy the hospital where I work, we went to Walmart (somehow when I'm with either one of them, we always end up there at least once; sometimes more).

Earlier in the day before they arrived, I had emailed Joe and asked him if they had any free time this weekend that I could go see them. I've told Christina so many stories about him, and I knew she wanted to meet him as well, so I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity. He called immediately and told me YES! and emailed me directions. So we drove up to see him after our Walmart expedition.

His wife greeted us at the door (back up, can I just say how nervous/excited I was to see them? My stomach was turning because I was so anxious). I hugged her forever and said how wonderful it was to see her. Joe was nowhere in sight- she said he'd be out shortly. So after we got settled on the couch, I heard a door open and Joe slowly walked down the hall. I could not stop beaming, I'm sure I lit up the whole freaking room as I stood and walked towards him. He was beaming back, with his arms wide open. He kissed me on the lips as I came in to give him a hug. (sometimes when old people try to kiss me, it makes me feel awkward, fyi. Like when great aunts & stuff hold you out away from them until you get the clue that they want your lips. ugh.). We hugged for a long time too. And he was standing!!!!!!!!!! The last time I saw him he was far too weak to stand for that long. He'd walk from his bed to the hall and back, and that whipped him. But here he was, still obviously weak, but so much stronger than the last time. (His wife said they went to Walmart and he walked around next to her, without the cart, for quite some time, so he was probably weaker than any other given day, from the exercise.) He sat down and told stories galore. He has the best stories and sense of humor. The girls were laughing hysterically. It blessed my heart so much. They're such a wonderful family. And it was just so wonderful to see them, and hear them again.

After a couple of hours, my tiredness started to hit me pretty hard. His wife grabbed her camera and said we must take pictures before we left. So they wanted one of the three of us girls first. Then she wanted one of me and Joe. As I stood up to walk towards him, he plastered his lips on my cheek and held them there for the picture. I think I was blushing, but I sure was smiling. Then we took a normal one hugging, and another one with his wife. Oh goodness. I cannot wait to see them (they're supposed to email them to me). They hugged & kissed me again before I left. I could have stayed there forever, but I didn't want the girls to get bored or hate their time with me.

The girls and I went to the Outback for dinner last night. I was pretty tiiiiiired by then. I almost fell asleep in our little booth. They were both tired too. So thankfully when we got home, they wanted to go to sleep. Yes, at 8:30. haha. We are pathetic, but it made us all very happy. I slept good and hard until about 6:30 this morning. I was WIDE awake, having 10 hours of sleep in my body. But the girls were still knocked out cold. I got on the computer for a little bit, but then I took some benadryl to go back to sleep. We all woke up again around 11:30.

I loved this weekend. It was so wonderful having something to look forward to, to get me through work Friday night (which was a wonderful, peaceful night, thank God). I wish I had more of those look-forward-to moments in my life. That's kind of depressing. But it's true. I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I really don't. (And if you'd pray about that, I'd greatly appreciate it. I wish God would just put a map in my mailbox with an X marked where I am supposed to be.) I can't call this home. So where do I? Please show me, Father.

I can't stop smiling.

2009-01-15T20:51:00.003-06:00

What an incredible day it has been!

I'm sure this is to Danielle, because she is the only one that reads my pathetic stories, but I'm sure you remember my patient, Joe, who I fell in love with a few months back. (If you read like five or six stories down, there's 2 posts on him). He's the one who was getting chemo for his brain tumor, who we didn't think was going to make it. Well, since he left the hospital before Thanksgiving, I haven't heard from them. I have been continuing to pray for them, as I know he's not out of the blue yet. But it's just sad when you make a connection like that with someone (he and his family/friends), and not hear from them in months regarding that critical situation. So, like the stalker that I am (not really.... but kind of), I remembered where his wife worked, so I looked up her email through the schools and shot her an email (and I apologized to her for being such a stalker).

Well I figured knowing her, she'd respond that second with excitement. But the day passed and no email. And another. And another. I was beginning to worry, because I know that's not at all like her personality. She would be calling all of her friends and family telling them that I had written. Especially Joe. And he would surely get ahold of me.

Last night at work, the night started off crappy. All of my patients had something major going on with them, and I was covering an LPN, so I had to take on her 7 patients as well. WHOA. So I'm sitting there feeling all miserable, as I was behind in my work, when one of the secretaries handed me a index card. I thought it was an admission so I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I saw a post it over it, saying "please make sure Autumn gets this." I ripped the post-it off, and it read that Joe had called and wanted to know if I got his email. He wanted me to call him ASAP, and he attached his phone number. I immediately smiled and was very optimistic to get through the night so I could get home and check my email.

So I got home and there was still no email from him. Hmmmm. So I checked my spam folder, thinking maybe it had been filtered into there. And there it was........

I opened it and couldn't stop smiling (he responded the same day I emailed his wife). He told me that his wife called him from work and said, "You're not going to believe this. You need to check your email. You're not going to believe who we got an email from." And his response to her was, "I hope it's Autumn." (I guess they talk about me all the time. Ha, it's mutual then, isn't it?) And she said, "By gol, you're right!" And how EXCITED they were to hear from me. He updated me on his situation; a year ago when he was diagnosed, his bone marrow was full of cancer. He had a bone marrow biopsy and on Christmas Eve got a phone call that there were NO cancer cells in his bone marrow!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! Ugh, how can you stop the tears from flowing when you hear that? He is going through a procedure in a few weeks. He's going to have an autologous stem cell transplant (they are going to take his bone marrow out, he's going to get chemo to kill any bad cells remaining, they will transplant his bone marrow back, and give an additional dose of chemo to kill any cells they missed; when your bone marrow is full of cancer cells, there's no place for blood cells to produce. So by taking his bone marrow out, his body will make new blood cells. And they will check to see if they are producing cancerous cells. If so, that's what the chemo is for). So he's going to have a rough few weeks there, but hopefully that'll be the last step in this process for quite some time!!!

He's emailed me a few times today (I think he's REALLY excited to hear from me :-)), and he sent me his phone number(s) so I called and was able to talk to him tonight! He said that he sat around all day wanting to call me but knew I was sleeping, and didn't know what time I woke up. Haha. Ugh, he's so precious. It was sooooooo good to hear his voice. I think while he's in the hospital those few weeks (down in Missouri), I am going to make a trip down to see him. I know that'd totally catch him offguard and cheer him up! I will go see him at their house probably sometime this weekend or next week before he goes.

In one of his emails today, he told me that he had sent my email to a couple of his friends, and sent their responses. This was his sister's response: "Joe: Thanks for sending Autumn's message-I loved the picture of the two of you b/f you left the hospital. It's great that even when life brings you the biggest challenge of your life that you are blessed to have met such a wonderful, caring person. I think that this just lets you know that even when life is so hard God is watching over us by sending angels to care for us like Autumn. Thanks for sharing her notes."

I cannot stop smiling........ it's so wonderful to know how HUGE of an impact you've made on someone's life, especially in such a devastating circumstance. I absolutely adore this man (and his family). And I'm so thankful.... so very thankful that God answers prayers. Please join me in continuing to pray for he and his family as he recovers :-)

back to scraping ice off the windshield

2009-01-07T23:41:00.003-06:00

I was fortunate enough to spend the last week in Florida. I needed that so much. Heidi called us periodically to see where we were in our travels. I told my mom to ignore the last call, as we were like 2 seconds from their house. So I pulled in and beeped my horn. Two seconds later, Heidi came running out and ripped my door open. We hugged and she started bawling. It was so good to hold her (and I'm getting teary eyed recollecting). For the past 8 years, she's lived in my town and I could see her whenever the heck I wanted. And now, she lives 1400 miles from me, and I only get to talk to her on the phone. I hate it.

That morning (we got there at about 7 am), I was excited for Landunn to get up. We were sitting in the living room when we heard him shut his door. I wanted to run to him and hug him like crazy, but I knew that he probably was a little unfamiliar with me and wouldn't be comfortable doing that. So I sat on the couch, talking to him and trying to get him to interract with me. He did recognize us, which was so wonderful. He smiled when he saw us and got really bashful. Which is another thing; I love him SO much that it kills me that he's going to grow up not really knowing me that well.

The week was wonderful. I played with Landunn a LOT. Oh gosh, we played dinosaurs, with cars, with tools. I tickled him a lot. He crawled and jumped on me a lot while I was laying on the couch. I loved every second with him. The last day I had to avoid thinking about it (again come the tears :-)) because I didn't want to cry all day- which Heidi did. Who knows when the next time will be that I will get to tickle him and laugh with him? To hug him. I think he's so special because he was my first nephew/niece. Even though I hate to say it, I just feel like he's always going to be my favorite. I'm closest to Nate & Heidi, so consequently it probably will end up that way.

(I LOVE this picture, because of how hard he is laughing)

I miss it already. It was awful to say goodbye. I suck with goodbyes anyway (right, Danielle?). I always have, ever since I was litle. It was a LONG drive back (I didn't really notice on the way down there because I was drugged on benadryl so I could sleep in the car; I can't sleep in vehicles otherwise). But on the way back, mom was sick so I drove the entire trip except about 3 & 1/2 hours. So I drove a total of 17 hours. Siiick. Good thing I love to drive. The mountains were fun to drive in; I loved the twisting and the way down!

Now I'm back in this lonely state... haha. Figuratively and literally. I need something to look forward to- the next trip home maybe? Maybe I will make a trip to school soon, to see some Tea Timers, or my brother.

Time to sleep..... as if 15 hours wasn't enough last night. I go back to work tomorrow night. Ugh. Sick :-( I know it will be good though. Usually it's the nights that I don't want to go that God shows up in huge ways. Guaranteed it will be like that tomorrow night, praise God.

Random: I think this season's Real World is going to be hilarious. I watched the first episode tonight and I LOVE Ryan & Chet. They are hilarious together. I laughed so much while watching it.

unexpected

2009-01-04T19:47:00.002-06:00

I got a completely unexpected email from one of my good friends, Alex, tonight. It brought tears to my eyes because a) he is NOT the email kind of guy, b) he said some of the nicest things to me that I have ever heard anyone say and c) I was already watching PS I Love You and might have been slightly emotional anyway :-) haha. He was my opposite in high school, but opposites attract right? Nobody knew why we hung out so much or why I called him my best friend. We were close though. And I would have never expected us to keep in touch as long as we have; yes, I am a seeker, but he is not, so I thought he didn't give a rip about our friendship. But we've maintained our friendship throughout college, and even more so now. We've talked every couple of weeks for a while now. We used to not have much in common; ya know, the difference between believers and non-believers. But now we talk for like an hour at a time. He's such a great person, and I see the potential in him, and what he can be. I already see so much maturity in him. I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.

Seriously though. It's crazy how something so small and seemingly insignificant to one person can absolutely make someone's day. I've encouraged him ever since I've known him, and he has too but he's a guy. Guys aren't necessarily go-out-of-their-way kind of people. (I don't want to say that about all guys, but generally speaking). So it has blown me out of the water to really hear how much it's meant to him and how much I mean to him.

I hope you take this as encouragement to make someone else's day a little brighter. Pass along a little note, or do something for someone that you know will make them smile.

my heart is happy.... REALLY happy

2008-12-30T13:55:00.003-06:00

God is blessing me tremendously the past few days (when doesn't He?). Back to the patient I talked about a couple posts back- the friend I made. Well as I had said, he invited me to church sometime with his family and gave me his phone number to call if I ever wanted to meet them before a service. Well, I called Saturday night because my heart was really longing for a friend, and I got his answering machine. I told him that I'd love to meet he and his family, so if they'd just let me know what service they were going to, I'd meet them there. He left a voicemail while I was working full of enthusiasm that I was joining them. He then called Sunday morning about an hour before the service to make sure I got his voicemail.

I don't know if I'm in love with the church yet- it's hard to tell on just one service. There were things I liked better than West Side, yet there were some things that were lacking for me. I think the main thing was; I was with a family. I think I've gotten beyond that college phase where you're amped to go to services with everyone the same age as you, and those are your closest companions. I think now my heart is really longing for families. For community. For diversity. And I got that at the United Methodist. It was so wonderful to be SO welcomed not only by that patient, but by his wife as well. They were wonderful about introducing me to people and explaining different things to me, that were out of the norm during the service. I think the thing that touched me the most was their genuinity. He told me at least 12 times during the service how happy he was that I came with them. It was so wonderful to hear that; to know that he has a deep concern for my spiritual life and finding me a church home, whether it's with them or not. I really think they should adopt me. Yes, I am 23, but I want to be a part of their family so badly. And I truly feel like they're making me part of that. Thank You, Jesus, for providing that.....

I also arrived safely in Florida this morning at 7:30 am. I cannot tell you how BEAUTIFUL this area is. The sunshine is doing wonders for my soul, my nephew is absolutely amazing (we're best friends now), and the family time is just the biggest blessing......

God has me in the palm of His hand.... and He's reminding me of that day by day.

Christmas

2008-12-25T09:18:00.002-06:00

Today doesn't feel like Christmas. I worked last night and probably had a little too much fun with 'creepy stalker' aka this like 40 year old guy who really stalks me, but he's hilarious so I don't mind. He's a respiratory therapist, and we have a lot of fun joking around on the floor. It started off as me asking him if he was following me, because he was giving breathing treatments to like ALL of my patients, so he was in and out of my rooms. Then he started saying that all the time. And now we call each other 'creepy stalker'. He claims that he was the first one that called me that, but that is CLEARLY an Autumn term. Even though the first half of the night I was CRAZY busy, it ended up being a really good night! It's like they wanted me to work for my holiday bonus pay. Haha. And I'm beginning to really see that my patients see a difference in me. It's amazing how far a little bit of kindness will go; there have been so many patients that other nurses thought were rude or were jerks, but because I treat them with decency and respect, they are wonderful for me. It's really neat to see the impact you can have on another human being.

I had the opportunity to go to a friend's tonight for dinner but really, I want to just get some sleep. I didn't fall asleep until after noon yesterday and had to get up at 4 for work. SICK. That's an ugly sleeping pattern. So today I will sleep until my body thinks it's time to get up. If it's 2 am again, so be it. The next 2 nights I work bonus shifts; only 4 hours each from 7-11 pm. That'll be a nice break. Pass a few meds then go home. And get paid boo-koh bucks for it (not really, but we can pretend).

I am really starting to get my passion back for Christ (came at a perfect time of the year, don't you think?). First off, I just need to say that I LOVE Shane & Shane's Christmas album. Their voices just make me fall in love with Jesus every time I hear them sing.... they make such beautiful music, it's inevitable. God really blessed them with an incredible talent and harmony together. Anyway, one of their songs really speaks a lot of truth, and it has left an impression on me ever since I heard it. It's called "Born To Die". Here are the lyrics:

When the babe was born/In a manger on the hay/God saw a veil torn/He saw Good Friday/He was born to die/Gold laid before the Christ/Incense, His presence is sweet/Myrrh to signify victory over death's sting/He was born to die/It came in a dream/To Joseph late on night/That Herod sought the King/But could not take His life/He was born to die/He said, "You don't take my life/You won't take my life/You don't take my life...I lay it down."/We came here today/To celebrate His birth/But let us not forget/Why Jesus came to earth/He was born to die.

He was born to die...... it is so true. And I am so thankful for that. That Jesus, my Savior, suffered through trials, as do you and I, breathing life as a human being on this earth. Isn't it bizarre to think about? He was a human being.... so long ago. It makes me feel like I have such shallow faith, when I read about the weak throwing themselves at His feet, desperate for contact with Him. Desperate because they knew they needed Him, and He was the only cure to their crumbling lives. I feel like a schmuck. Because I desperately need Him; there is no good part about me that is not attributed to Him. And sometimes I don't even stop to realize how poorly off I am without Him. I brush Him off and live as if this life were it for me..... but it's not even the beginning.

It makes me thankful, that Jesus came. That He lived. That He knows what we go through, in the human flesh. That He knows how easily we can be distracted, and how we can still have good intentions despite our humanness. Because I don't mean to be a failure. I don't mean to stray from the path He has laid out before me. I don't mean to ignore His voice, and fall into the holes. Which reminds me of another song, which happens to be one of my very favorites; Breaking The Legs of Sheep by Kids in the Way. I wish so badly that God would just break my leg, to teach me a lesson. I think sometimes I see the pain, and I know that it's there, but I don't notice that it's coming from my broken leg. I just feel the pain and think, "gosh this sucks, I'm in so much pain." But I don't see that God is using this pain to teach me a lesson. That He's fishing me out of the hole with His staff, trying to teach me what happens when I fall in that hole. But like a retarded sheep with half a brain, I almost leap from hole to hole.

It's amazing.... that without the birth of this perfect baby, this life would be it for me. Pain and sin would be all this life had to offer me, or rather that I had to offer this world. I would hurt, then I would die. And that'd be it. But I praise God that this is not the end for us. I feel so unworthy, that I suffer only for a short time, and then I am called to live in His presence for all of eternity. I'm so undeserving of the place He's going to one day call me to. It's a hard thing to accept..... grace is so amazing.

Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you for taking my place..... you pure, perfect babe. I celebrate Your birth today.

I found a friend

2008-12-24T09:36:00.003-06:00

And no, it's not the security guard (though when I found out that patient was still on our floor, I 'nonchalantly' meandered by the door, trying to catch a glimpse at who was sitting with him.... but it wasn't my guard. Then at eleven (like a stalker face) I waltzed by again to see who was taking his place... again, not my guard. Maybe tonight is the night though..... you never know.

However, I did make this friend at work, and it's a patient I had a couple of nights ago. I actually mentioned him in my last post- about the whole church talk. I saw that he was still in the hospital, so before I went to greet my patients, I swung by his room. He greeted me with a smile, and we picked our conversation up like old friends. It was wonderful for my soul. His dad came in shortly after, and when he introduced his dad to me, his dad knew who I was. The patient had talked about me with his family. And it must have been good things, because he was happy to see me. And his dad was looking out for me as well. I have to say, it impressed me that they didn't do the whole "My church is better" thing and try to talk theirs up and cram it down my throat. Instead, they were both telling me about OTHER churches in the area. I really just kept thinking that I wanted to go with them sometime. "Yeah, but our church makes West Side look small." Uh oh. haha. And West Side to me is a little huge. But I think it's because I haven't rooted myself with families there. I've only met some of the young adults, and they haven't been people that I have connected with, like I was hoping. Anyway, I told them I'd be back to see them in a while, after I got settled into my routine. I checked back a couple of times, but the patient was sleeping (which was good, since we established the first night I had him that he didn't sleep well in hospitals). I finally caught him awake with the TV on this morning, after I had pretty much handed my patients over (there's like a 1/2 hour to 45 minute down time, while the nurses coming on listen to report that we taped for them). So I started talking to him again, about life and about church. I asked what service they went to, because I genuinely would love to go with them. Finally before I got ready to leave, he was like, "Well I could give you our phone number if you ever wanted to come to church with us, or call ahead of time to know when we're going." Then he paused for a minute, and I said that that would be great.... kind of in a tone trying to surpress my excitement. Then he was like, "I mean, I don't want you to feel pressured or like forced to come." And I feared my response was taken the wrong way. But I ran to get paper and wrote their phone number down. I'm so blessed..... here I am, wallowing in my pity of being lonely, and here God is, showing up. He does that often, doesn't He? :-) So I'm pretty sure that I've made a wonderful friend, and that I will love his family, because I've heard so much about them. I just feel like I'm going to be taken care of, ya know? Like if I didn't go to church, they'd be the kind to seek me out and let me know that they missed me (and noticed that I was gone). And I want/need that. I need that support and love. I'm so thankful. And I got a hug out of it. Sometimes you just need one, ya know? And he kept thanking me for the great care that I gave him, and how hard of a worker I was.... it was almost embarrassing.

I love my job :-)

And I love Jesus. Happy birthday!

simple things deserve a simple explanation

2008-12-21T09:07:00.002-06:00

I'm thankful.... God's really blessing my heart.

Last night I did not want to go to work (sinuses = lame). I've been sick all week, well since Tuesday. And for some reason it was getting better, it felt, until last night when I woke up. Ugh. But I toughed it out and went, expecting to get like hate-mail from my patients about their dirty nurse who stands in the hallway sneezing, coughing, and blowing her nose all the time (I washed my hands so much last night that my hands are like red, cracking, and raw. They hurt so badly. Yay for nursing!). Instead, God used them to really bless me. Two of the men told me how beautiful I was, granted they were 60+ and missing half of their original teeth. But they said that if they weren't married they'd ask me to marry them in a heartbeat (really, men are you that lame? I choose to think not). Then I got an admission at like 10 pm... not my favorite thing. But it seemed to be a calm enough night that I was ok with it. I think that patient in particular blessed me. I don't know how we started talking about church (clearly a God thing), but he was telling me about his and asking me questions about mine, and how I'm feeling welcomed here. I kind of felt my guard breaking.... I mean, we didn't get into this earth-shattering conversation or anything, but I just needed to feel a connection like that. And God provided. My heart just longed for a frequency that was in tune with God, I guess. It was so nice to have someone care. It was mutual- I was physically caring for him, and he was emotionally caring for me. An unfair reciprocal, clearly. He was such a pleasant, honest man. He told me a little bit about his church. It sounds huge like West Side, but I think I may visit there, when he's out of the hospital. I'd love to see what they have to offer.

I got my ipod :-) Now I just need to find the time to put some music on there when I'm not working (which will be when?!?!?!) before I make the drive to FL. I also need to go find an adapter/fm transmitter that I can use.

It was so wonderful to go home, even if it was just for a day and a half. And even if I was sick on the couch with Danielle all day. Gosh, I miss home.

I'm really sad that I'm spending another holiday alone.... like really sad. Christmas Eve and Christmas I'll be alone. I work Christmas Eve so that won't seem as bad, I don't think. It's still so tough... looking at holiday pictures of my family. Knowing that they all at least have one person to spend their day with. I'm sick of being lonely :-(

random

2008-12-07T20:49:00.003-06:00

I am just going to list some things I've been thinking/doing lately.

I have had Dave Barnes & Paramore (not together) playing constantly on my itunes.

I want to buy an ipod... but I am torn because I want one that holds all of my music, but I don't know how many songs I have... and I have to transfer them all from media player to itunes. Yuck. That's a LOT of songs.

I was obsessed with anything that had to do with Twilight but I think I am finally allowing myself to get over it.

My bedroom window is broken; it won't close. It never bothered me until right now when it's like negative ten degrees outside. I am going to call and get it fixed tomorrow, hopefully.

I bought a tumbler that you can decorate yourself, and I have been contemplating for over 2 weeks now what pictures to put in it. How long will this go on?!?! When I finally decide, it'll be April when I don't need to survive on hot chocolate.

It was really good to see my best friends this weekend.... I cannot get over how happy it made me. It makes the holidays seem a little better when I'm not so bitter about my loneliness.

I am learning to not have expectations of others... people keep letting me down and hurting my feelings. You can't expect others to act/treat you like you do them.

I am going to be 2 maid-of-honors next summer, which I just found out this weekend. It'll be Beth & Stacy Granger's weddings. However it has made me realize that I will be standing next to the bride during the ceremony... which means I need to get my butt in shape. So I bought healthy food tonight at the grocery store. But I also bought E.L.Fudge cookies because I haven't had them in so long :-(

I start doing stuff and then stop all the time; whether it's a book, a scarf, a scrapbook.... I lack motivation sometimes.

I am going to Florida in less than 4 weeks. I am excited and sad at the same time; I am stoked to see them, but I hate saying goodbye to them, without knowing the next time I will hug them.

I hate going to work every day. I don't want to go, until I get there and start my routine. Then I'm so thankful that I love my job. Why do I hate going to work then? It doesn't make sense.

I am waiting to buy a Christmas tree until Christmas is over... hopefully then I can buy the one I want from Target, and it will be on sale. I have my heart set on one tree and I don't want any other.

I hate that once I have my mind wrapped around doing something, I won't rest easily until I've done it... I fly by the seat of my pants. If I want to go to the store, I want to do it NOW... not wait 10 minutes.

I am at the point in my life where I want to start dating seriously. I don't know if it's the holidays or just the point in my life where I am lonely that has sparked this desire of mine. But I am praying that God brings him along soon. But I don't know where to find him. Where do you find a good, Christian man besides at church? I know most people look for people in bars, but that's not my thing.

I love my hair when it's straight but I am too lazy to blow dry & straighten it... my hair is too thick, and it takes so long.

I miss the Severn's. A lot. All of them. And I wish I was sitting in their living room right now, because it feels like home to me. I cry every time I start thinking about them.... next random blurb, please...

I really want a puppy, but I don't want to be tied down; if I want to leave for the weekend, I don't want the responsibility of taking it with me or finding someone to watch it for the weekend. Thankfully my apartment complex doesn't allow animals, so it makes the decision a little easier.

I need to find some good earrings... I have sensitive ears, so I either buy earrings and can't wear them because they hurt, or I lose them.

I am so addicted to chapstick. I have been using Burt's Bees, but I am starting to miss the smoothy silkness from Blistex' Silk & Shine. I think I may buy a tube just to make my lips happy.

I am ticked that they changed my schedule for tomorrow; I could have spent another day at school with my brother and Christina, but I thought I had to work tomorrow... nobody told me otherwise. At least now I can buy The Dark Knight at midnight and watch it. :-)

I bought a box of Vick's kleenex so I can just sit here and sniff them. I feel like a druggie, sitting here sniffing them all night just to feel the vapors in my chest.

My walls are really, really bare. As goofy as it sounds, I would like to sport pictures/art drawn by friends and frame them on my walls..... even if it's the crappiest thing ever. Just because it's a part of them here with me.

Man, I really want an ipod........

vampires & werewolves

2008-11-19T02:07:00.003-06:00

Just throwing this out there: I have to say that I am impressed. I have always been one to shy away from the "unbelievable". I never watched cartoons when I was younger, and I hated superhero movies because they weren't real. So why these books have become an addiction is beyond me......

I love the Twilight series. I am on the third book, which I will finish by time I go to bed in the morning. I just started the first one 2 days ago. I'm trying to slow down though, and savor the anticipation, for I know that after the next book it will end......

I am amazed. Kudos, Stephenie Meyer.

I kind of secretly want to date a vampire. Just throwing that out there too.

tough couple of weeks

2008-11-11T21:35:00.003-06:00

The past couple of weeks have been difficult, watching my patient struggle (the one I previously mentioned) Because he's been getting chemo delivered to his brain, he has had some pretty intense side effects that we didn't know if they were merely side effects, or if they were tumor taking over the brain. One day when I got to work, he had gotten on the commode (somehow...). I went back in the room to help him get back in bed, and it seriously took us over 15 minutes to get him 2 feet from where he was. We'd tell him to move his right foot. His brain wouldn't communicate to his body. So I'd tap his right leg. "Move this leg. The one I am touching right now." He'd think real hard, and it'd move a centimeter. It was quite the process. Eventually it got to the point where he couldn't do anything for himself. It was so hard to care for him. I mean, it's so easy to care for him, because I would do anything for him. I would gladly spend all day cleaning his rear end than be with any of my other patients. But it broke my heart... to see how quickly cancer changes you. It is powerful. It is toxic.

So there were quite a few days that he was unable to do anything for himself. Anything. He was unable to communicate well. He didn't speak much, which is such a change from the day I met him (when he wouldn't shut up :-)). His labs were getting worse. The chemo was wiping his system out.

A week ago, I drove up to school and went to Tea Time. That night, Dr. Quanstrom came to speak to the group about prayer. It was such a simple, open conversation. But it helped me realize why we pray: because God answers. Right? Otherwise we wouldn't pray. He challenged us to pray without limitation. Not to assume that our prayer was out of God's capability. Because nothing is.

So this past week, I have been praying like God was answering my prayer. I wrestled with him. I would listen to the song "Beg" by Shane & Shane and start crying, begging for God to move in this situation. This song was the cry of my heart. I kind of downright demanded that God act quickly in this situation. And you know what?.... well, keep reading.

The past few days hadn't seemed like much of a change. He was finally able to make eye contact, and could somewhat respond to questions, but there weren't any huge signs of healing. Sunday, however, his daughter said that he finally asked her if he could eat something. He said he was hungry (he had been on a feeding tube because he wasn't able to eat). That alone was huge. Any sign of appetite or willingness to try..... is great. He ate a couple of bites, not much. But it's something.

Well today, I walked in after my lunch break, and surprise! He was sleeping (go figure; that seems to be the thing to do when I come visit). His wife and daughter filled me in though- he was doing so much better. I saw that he wasn't connected to his tube feeding anymore. "He ate a meal last night. I asked him if it was because he knew he needed to eat, or if it was because he was hungry. And he said he was hungry," his daughter said. I smiled. Praise God! Even for an appetite. They said he had been up, walking around the room during the morning. My jaw dropped. Just a week ago, he couldn't even move his leg an inch. And here he was, strolling around the room?! Unfathomable. I told them I'd come back when he was awake before I left for the day.

So I returned around 3- I saw his wife in the hall and she said he was awake, eating some lunch. So I knocked on the door and peeked my head in. He had his back to me, so I tip toed over. His wife and daughter smiled, waiting for his reaction. I popped my head around the side of the bed. He put his fork down, and almost shoved his tray onto his wife's lap. "HIIIII BABY!" he proclaimed, as he made space for me to hug him. He held me for a while. Me, smiling the whole time. "I missed you!" "I know, I missed you too. Want to stay with us tonight?" Haha we all laughed. His wife was telling me how he walked out to the hallway today, and there were 4 nurses standing around. "There he was in all his glory, with all of the attention on him." Joe shook his head. "No..... not true. Autumn wasn't there," he said, as he smiled. I almost couldn't breathe.... he was cracking jokes again, like he used to do. He was holding conversations. He was making all of us laugh. He was explaining to me what the doctors had said- he gets to go home this weekend, if things stay the way they're going. He pulled out pictures of a previous MRI with the one he had today. Where there once was a quarter/50 cent piece sized white/gray area (tumor), there was a small blur..... A SMALL BLUR!!!!! I got tears in my eyes, and had to look away, as my jaw started to quiver. The only thing that made me not burst out bawling was him joking about the past week. "I am so embarrassed. You wiped SHIT from my crack!" He kept saying how horrible it must have smelled, and such. I couldn't stop laughing.

He is back.......

And I stand in awe of the significance of him in my life..... the lessons that God is teaching me through him. I put limitations on God. I brought small things to Him, because I didn't trust Him to do big things. I confined Him to this box.... God cannot be confined. He is more powerful than disease. He is more powerful than toxicity. God cannot be stopped......

I am so thankful..... I could not be happier..... I still sit here beaming, with a thankful heart. Praise God!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD! What an answer to prayer!!!!! What an incredible lesson.

Please continue to pray for him. He is not in the clear..... but this is a wonderful start. :-) Let this serve as encouragement.... wrestle with God. He desires that physical contact with you. He wants to see you make your positions. He wants to see your faith build.... and He is faithful.

blessing

2008-10-26T20:13:00.003-05:00

I have been taking care of this patient, who has become so dear to my heart. He has such a wonderful sense of humor. We get each other.... sometimes it's hard finding that connection with anyone in this world, but whenever we see each other, we just start smiling. I often go in and visit him when he's under the care of another nurse, just to say hi. The last time he was in the hospital, I sent him a card, just letting him know that I was praying for him, and how much of a blessing he is to my day. Well his wife saw me yesterday, and she gave me a hug, grabbed my hand and with tears in her eyes, choking back a breakdown, explained how thankful she was for the card. She said it meant so much to her and her family, and she thanked me several times for sending it. I hugged her back and choked back tears. If she only knew what they meant to me. Also his brother, who lives out of state, is back to visit. He saw me in the hallway yesterday and remembered me by name. "AUTUMN! Do you have him today?" I was like, "I don't know, I hope so!" "ME TOO! If not, stop in and say hi. He'd love to see you!"

The first day I took care of them, we talked about the hospital, and that I was new. Sometimes this is a little freaky to patients; they don't want someone with that little of experience taking care of them, because they think they don't know what they're doing. But they were so accepting of me, and told everyone what a wonderful nurse I was. His brother, who was here from out of state, also pulled me aside and said that I would go far, that he could tell I was going to be a terriffic nurse. Ugh, that stuff makes you feel so good.

This patient has been on my heart consistently since the first time I took care of him. So I've been laying it in God's hands, praying for him, and his family. As much as I want to see him, I want him to be healthy enough to stay out of the hospital.

I went in to work today and found out that I had him for the day. I cannot tell you how excited I was. Seriously, I wish I could tell you more about him, but I am respecting his privacy and remaining a professional nurse by refraining. When I walked in at first, he was sleeping. And I didn't want to wake him up. But eagerly I was thinking "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Come play!" Haha. But I let him rest, as I knew the previous day was a rough one for him. Finally when I walked in a little later, he and his daughter were awake. She started BEAMING as soon as I walked in and she was like "Dad! You're going to be well taken care of today!! I cannot tell you how happy we are to see you." He looked up from under his blanket and smiled. "hey baby" he said. He reached his hand out (he always holds my hand when I am in the room, or rubs my arm, if they're occupied). All day long, as new family members came, they all kept saying how happy they were that I was his nurse for the day. They kept asking if I'd be back tomorrow, and said they were praying I'd have him again. What a wonderful feeling. After he woke up (like really woke up), he thanked me for the card too, and pulled me down for a hug. And he wouldn't let go. I cannot tell you how much that hug meant to me. I cannot even recall the last time I was hugged by someone here.... I've always been such an affectionate, touchy person. So it's hard not knowing anyone, and going from a zillion hugs a day to nothing.

I just cannot tell you how much this means to me. Starting out as a nurse is intimidating; you often worry that you're not doing things right, or that family is judging you, or that you're not doing enough for the patient. But to have their reassurance is so incredible. They give such wonderful feedback.

It's hard getting attached to him.... people often tell you not to get emotionally attached. I'm sorry, but I'm not the kind of nurse who treats her patients as objects, merely doing the bare minimum and leaving their room. I want to get to know them, to give them my support, to pray for them! How do you not get attached when you're there during the most vulnerable times of their lives? You're one of the only constants they have in their lives; they need your strength.

I love my job...... I absolutely love it. Even though I was running around crazy today, no lunch break, barely time to sit (only to chart), I loved my day. The patients keep me coming back. How blessed am I? Not only to HAVE a job, let alone.... but to have one I thoroughly enjoy? I am so fortunate.

I'm counting my blessings....

I miss my niece & nephew

2008-10-06T20:12:00.002-05:00

..... so I've been looking through pictures the past couple of days that I want to print out. I am making a collage of pictures of friends from school (all sepia toned) to go up in my bedroom. I bought sweet placemats that are the colors in my room; so I am going to use them as backgrounds and tape them up, with the pictures on. It'll be awesome.

Anyway, I also decided to fill my hallway with pictures of my family. So I started by deciding which wedding pictures I wanted to put up (one 5x7 of all of their weddings). Then I started going through pictures of Landunn & Hannah as babies...... gosh. That is pretty much one time when I can't help but get emotional. It is unbelievable the amount of love that I have for those two. I cannot even imagine what I will be like as a mother. I hate being so far from them. It's extremely difficult.

I don't even know why I am writing this..... just to help myself cope, I suppose.

I would give anything to be hugging my Landunnator.... or hearing Hannah giggle, while wrinkling her nose.

I am a real nurse!

2008-10-02T17:43:00.002-05:00

Wow..... I am a real nurse! It is just starting to hit me, the power I hold in my hands. Not to say that in an egotistical way, it is a bit scary actually. In nursing school, you administer medications, hang IV bags, change dressings only to have your professor looking over your shoulder at all times. We couldn't even go and pass tylenol without them in our presence, making sure we validated their identity by checking their name band. And here I am, minute by minute doing all of these things on my own. And I'm COMFORTABLE doing them. I mean, we used to be so paranoid that we were doing something wrong that we'd be shaking opening their meds from their packages.... and it seems so second nature now. Even giving injections. It used to bother me to cause someone discomfort, and I don't mean that I enjoy it now :-) But these patients in particular are so used to being poked and prodded. So it puts me at ease that it's nothing new to them.

I have had some incredible moments with my patients already. I'm not at liberty to discuss them, but I am just absolutely honored to be a nurse. It's different because in nursing school we're taught how to help save patients... and here I am, helping them cope with their prognosis... a lot of them are dying. I am not looking forward to the death of my first patient.... it's not that I know these people deeply, but they warm up to you and you form a relationship while taking care of the same patients day in and day out. So I'm sure the first one will be tough. But it's so rewarding to be with them in such a vulnerable time. To do everything in my power to make them comfortable. I know they so deeply appreciate it. I am just so blessed to be a nurse. Though it is exhausting and overwhelming at some times, being pulled 10 different directions by physicians, aids, physical therapy, lab, other patients, etc..... at the end of the day, I have a smile on my face because I know that I truly made a difference in the life of someone else. God is using me because I am willing.... and it's incredible.

It's amazing the confidence that I am gaining. I am practically out on my own. My preceptor let me have 4 patients... and it's been going really well. I'm developing critical thinking; when to call the physician, as well as the confidence in talking to them. I think in nursing school we're filled with these ideas that doctors are scary people who yell at you for taking up their time. But all of the doctors I have encountered have been wonderful- they've all been saying I'm doing a good job communicating with them.

It's just so crazy, to have that much responsibility. And I'm stepping into those shoes.... slowly I will break them in. And I will run........

Elizabeth Ann Looper.....

2008-09-26T21:35:00.002-05:00

My best friend, Beth, went down to Indiana to see her boyfriend this weekend. They celebrated their 5 year anniversary yesterday. We knew that he picked out her ring and asked her parents for her hand in marriage, so we've been anticipating the proposal (I guess she has been anticipating it a little more than I have ;-)). I thought for sure it would happen yesterday, on their 5 year. And she said I'd be the first person she called, so I had my phone by me AT ALL TIMES yesterday. But it never rang :-( I even double checked when I woke up to make sure she didn't call while I was sleeping (occasionally I am a deep sleeper. Not usually).
I figured it would happen sometime this weekend while she was down there, but I didn't know when.

So I'm in a class today (a cancer review) and I start doodling... let's face it, 8 hours is a LONG time to be in a class. I start writing my name a jillion times in different cursive and stuff. Then I decide that I am going to plan my wedding, so I start writing out who my bridesmaids would be. After I wrote Beth's name, I was like "She will be Beth Looper by then!" So I rewrite her name... Elizabeth Ann Looper. Just then, my phone rings.... IT IS BETH!!!!! I can't answer it because the speaker is still talking.... so I text her and said "Sorry I'm in class. Are you calling because you have something to tell me?!!?!?!" She doesn't have texting, so I sent another message saying "If so, call back again and I will leave class." But she texted back and said "Yes I do! You can guess it!" So I start squirming in my seat. The class was over, but they were going over review questions (there is a test to become Oncology Certified (I can't take it yet because I have to accumulate so many hours working in the unit)). So I was debating whether or not to get up and leave or sit through them, which I saw there was only a few slides left. FINALLY the slideshow ended and I BOOKED it out of the classroom.

I called her and I couldn't stop smiling....... I did the whole I'm-so-excited-I-am-slurring-my-speech-and-talking-really-fast thing. Oh gosh, I cannot believe it. We're grown up!!!!!! That makes two of my friends who are getting married now...... Scottie next month, then Beth next summer. I am sooooooo happy for her! FIVE YEARS of dating. That's a long time. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to not be able to completely express your love for someone after that long. God has definitely been at the forefront of their relationship, and He has equipped them with the strength. I think it's absolutely commendable and remarkable, really.

I cannot wait to see her...... and her RING!!!!!!!

home

2008-09-24T18:46:00.003-05:00

This past weekend I was able to go home. Funny... at the beginning of the summer I hated being home. I cried all the time because I didn't want to be there. But now all I want to do is go back. Haha, I find myself crying almost daily because I'm not there. Funny how things reverse, yes? I find myself so unhappy here at the moment, but I know just like my feelings towards home, my feelings towards being here will change. It will get better.

Being home this weekend was wonderful. No, WONDERFUL. My mom and I's relationship has been getting a lot better since I've been gone. Crazy how becoming an independent adult will make you realize how appreciative of your mom that you are. She has done a lot for me. Scott too. I'm so thankful for her.

It was wonderful to see Beth, Danielle & Danielle's family. Gosh, it was so good to spend time with them. I was up at the Apple Fest all afternoon on Saturday. I don't like it much. It's like a townwide garage sale. Haha. Some booths have creative stuff. Others just have a bunch of random stuff they're trying to get rid of. haha. One booth of guys cracked me up. The looked like some thugs, and they had a booth selling linens! haha. It was hilarious to me. They were being all friendly to the elderly and trying to get them to buy some. Classic.

I got my very own CAR this weekend!!! It's a silver 2005 impala. It has a few scratches, mostly around the trunk, like people scraped it putting groceries in or something. And has little paint chips on the hood from rocks being kicked up at it. But what car doesn't have a few scratches in it? I am almost glad that they're there, because if my car gets scratched now, I will be less likely to freak out about it. Please don't come key it, but you know what I mean. It looks great on the inside. Sooooo wonderful. And praise the Lord, I have air conditioning!!!! No longer do I have to sweat like a beast driving around with the windows down on a hot day!

Currently I am watching Signs..... I love this movie so much. Speaking of movies, there are so many that I want to buy. And I will soon have a ton of bills to pay. Someday I will have spending money though. I cannot wait to get settled in and used to paying bills. I think I'm going to have a serious addiction of buying scrubs too.... heaven help me!

let me go home

2008-09-18T20:56:00.002-05:00

I cannot even put into words how excited I am to be going home this weekend. This week has been better, I've cried less than the past couple of weeks. I've been up on the floor, meeting nurses and getting a good feel for what working up there will be like, which has been great. But my heart is breaking...

I yearn for something more. It is so difficult.... being so far from home, so far from loved ones, no friends around, not really a good support system at church yet. I am literally here, and feel like nobody in this town cares about me. I could just stop breathing in my apartment, and nobody would know. I miss relationships (friendships) where we spoke our hearts, prayed together, laughed together. Gosh, I miss that so much. I don't really know any of the nurses yet, so I'm still the shy, quiet girl.

I think it would be easier to break out of this if people were a little more considerate. Not that there are any jerks that I have met, I just wish people would take into account all of the change that is occuring in my life.... and take the time to reach out to me. God desired for us to be in community, I learned that over the past year.... and I miss it so much.

I can't remember the time when I last cried so much..... I break down at least once a day. It's just terribly lonely. Go to work, come home. I'm not the type of person to go to a coffee shop and just randomly strike up conversation with someone sitting on a stool. So you can see why it's hard for me to make friends at the moment. I'm just relying on God, that some firm roots will grow with those girls at church- two girls that I met last Sunday invited me to their small group. It started tonight, but I was busy packing & getting stuff around to go home tomorrow, so I can leave right after work and arrive in michigan between 11 & 12. I'm so thankful for how friendly they were. I feel bad that I'm missing church on Sunday. Then I have to work next Sunday. So hopefully things are ok for me to go to small group next Thursday. I really want to connect with these girls, and get to know their hearts. I think I am going to like them.

So yeah, I am so excited to go home. I am not looking forward to the 6 hour drive home, only to spend one day, then come back the following afternoon... then get up for work in the morning. I feel like I need a vacation... already.... from my emotions. I just want to hug people. Do you know how wonderful that would be? I cannot wait to see my mom. I think our bond has grown since I left. We have talked every night since I've been gone (minus 2). And that never happens. I just miss her. I miss my friends- Beth & Danielle, and Danielle's family. I want to get loved on. And just enjoy the day that I have with them. I hope I don't take it for granted. I mean, I want to sleep in on Saturday (tomorrow is going to be a LONNNNNNNG day), but I want to use my time wisely and spend it with as many people as possible.

Please pray for me..... and my aching heart.

West Side

2008-09-07T17:09:00.004-05:00

Last week at my functional capacity evaluation, I got to talking with the secretary about my recent move (as she was putting my information in the computer system). She asked me if I had friends and family around here, to which I replied no. She frowned and gave me an empathetic look. She asked if I went to church, and I said yes, but I was looking for one here. She told me about hers and asked if I would be interested. YES! I exclaimed! So while I was filling out papers, she got on their website and printed off information about their young adults & singles groups, along with directions from my apartment (she really went the long mile for me, huh?).

When I got home, I looked up their website and searched around. It sounded like a great, growing, lively church. So all week I have been looking forward to going. I was so excited about connecting with a church family, that I could hardly sleep last night. I kept thinking how wonderful it was going to be to just walk into a community like that and feel connected to everyone, just because of our Savior.

I left early, even though I had directions, in case I had trouble finding it. Instead, from the interstate, I saw this HUGE church with the church's name plastered on the side. My jaw dropped. What?! That is so much different than the little Coldwater Church of the Nazarene! I pulled into the parking lot to see hundreds of people and families walking to their cars (the last service had just gotten out). As you pull in, there's a man standing next to a sign to stop and get information for guests. So I pulled over to the side and he gave me a map of the building, and showed me where the guest parking was. So I parked the car and told myself it wasn't too late to go to a smaller church. haha. But I got out and walked up to the door. People were taking pictures outside, playing in the sunshine, enjoying the beautiful day. I walked in and one of the ladies saw me carrying a map, and asked if I needed help finding anything. So I told her it was my first Sunday. She walked me to the worship center, so I wouldn't look like a fool trying to find it.

I sat down in the middle, not knowing there was a specific section for the young adults. I stared at the stage in awe- it was huge! Very beautifully lit! I observed people walking in, as they began to fill the congregation for worship. It is so different from the 8 rows of seats I am used to. There are probably about 20 on the lower level, and a balcony full of seating!

As worship began, I felt like I fit right in. It was all contemporary worship- Beautiful One, Amazing Grace, Mighty to Save.... some of my favorite songs. It has been such a long time since I've experienced worship like that. I am not dogging on my church at home, but their worship is lacking. Worship is a HUGE part of the service to me, because I have such a passion for music. And to honor God by lifting praise to Him through that medium is something I am very fond of. So it excited me that their worship was so strong and powerful! The service was GREAT too. My first impression of the pastor- 1) he's young and 2) he's HILARIOUS! I laughed so much!!!! Everyone did- it echoed from everywhere, balcony and all. That made me smile. So many of us laughing together.

The message was a powerful one. The pastor read from Philippians 2:3, 5-8, mostly focusing on the third verse, which reads "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." It was just a powerful message, because I am so sarcastic. And he spoke a lot about experience with sarcasm, and how it can be done for the wrong reason, not bringing glory to God. It helped me to be more consciously aware of why I am saying the things I am doing, and to think about their purpose before saying them. I have had such a strong desire to really help and SERVE. So he spoke about serving opportunities within the church, and stuff like that. I think the last verse of that passage also hit me pretty hard. I will insert that as well, so you can see the pastor's illustration: "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!" I felt like I was served a big piece of humble pie, after absorbing those words. Christ made himself a servant. A lowly servant, for the cause of His Father. And how humbling it was to die on a cross. He could have asked God to just be served a poisonous leaf and die for our sins, but He instead hung on a cross- the most embarrassing, humiliating way to die in front of hundreds of people, as they mocked Him. My heart broke as he emphasized that point.

I sat there, thinking about the message and ways that I need to humble myself before my Father. As the message came to a wrap, we sang "At The Cross" by Hillsong. I had never heard the song, so I was merely reading the words on the screen, getting accustomed to the beat before I would step out and sing. My eyes welled with tears as I continued reading the lyrics, each verse and chorus becoming more powerful and humbling...... I will leave you with the lyrics..... really think about them, and let them speak to you about the amazing, wonderful love of Christ.....

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

****** I think one of the reasons this song was so powerful to me, is that I had been talking with God this week, begging Him to show me His love. It has been lonely, not knowing anyone, or seeing God through anyone this week. And I was just longing for that interaction, that communication of love. I was telling Him that I thought He had led me here, but I needed confirmation. So where it says "You go before me, You shield my way, Your hand upholds me, I know You love me" is when I really started to get choked up- He was speaking to me through that.... saying "You know these things, Autumn. Don't ever think differently".

there's a song I know pt. 2

2008-09-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

Today was pretty funny, which is why I am even bothering to post another blog about it. Because I have a bad back and injured my wrist recently, I had to go get evaluated on my capabilities & limitations. Well I was thinking it was going to take forever, as they allotted 2 hours for it. I had to push & pull the therapist's arm to show resistance. After all of that stuff, he put me on a treadmill.... oh yippee, right? The point was I had to walk 1/4 of a mile in under 5 minutes, so we set the pace at 3 miles per hour. He was like "if you want to get it done faster, you can adjust the speed! It might be fun to see how fast you can walk". So I cruised it on up to the point where I was struggling to stay on pace, because my legs didn't want to move that quickly. Haha. It was pretty funny. Entertaining, I am sure. After that, I had to lift different amounts of weight (in a crate) off the floor. Mind you I had gas this morning...... so I'm sure you know what the TYPICAL Autumn does at moments like these..... can you predict? Well as soon as I bend over to get the crate, I fart.... right next to the therapist. Thankfully it was like a squeeky one, so it sounded like my shoe or something. He either didn't notice or pretended not to notice, bless his heart. I had to lift from 25-55 lbs repeatedly. Then I had to walk the weights 10 feet apart, set them down, pick them up, then walk them back 5 times. Then I had to walk the 55 lbs across the room and back. It was a chore, let me tell you. Then he measured the force of my grip, my push, and my pull. I had to play with a rope above my head for a minute, to make sure that I can work over my head for a minute (random). Then I had to push him around in a wheelchair up and down the halls, not hitting anything.

All in all it took like 30 minutes, which I was thankful for. I had fun! And it was a good workout. I was definitely sweating & felt good from lifting & carrying the weights (as well as my swift walk ;-)). So I ran home to shower before the cable guy came.... well he came early, just as I stepped foot out of the shower. So I had to quick throw clothes on, then answer the door all wet-headed and everything. Sweet. I think he was paranoid, poor guy, because I sat there watching him, like it would help him to move faster or something. I just wanted the freaking cable & internet hooked up so badly. When he left, I chatted with Beth for quite a while, before I set up my wireless network (the informational packet gave me crap directions that didn't work.... but I STRONGLY recommend the hotline, which gives you different instructions that actually WORK). So now I am sitting in my living room, watching TV and accessing wireless. :-D

And I'm paying for it........

how weird is this?

there's a song I know....

2008-09-03T14:53:00.002-05:00

There's a song that I know that goes "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. do you know what that mean?" Why yes. Yes I do. I have never experienced that in such a real way as in the last week, especially.

I arrived at my apartment Friday at noon. I went through the inspection with one of the ladies from the office, and she handed me the keys. I immediately turned the air on (thanks for having that already on for me, I appreciate it- she chucked as she said "usually they have that turned on for your move in day!") well they didn't, and I sweat some pounds off carrying my belongings up 3 flights of stairs on a HOT, sunny day..... it was pleasant, can't you tell? :-)

I set up my kitchen, bathroom, and part of my closet while I waited for my mom, scott & Paige to arrive (to give me something to do). I got all of this done and took a nap before they got here, shortly after 9 IL time. They were hungry, so we unloaded the stuff in the truck bed, then went to Sonic (my first time!!!). My report: it is GOOOOOOOOD! So good, they wanted to go for lunch the next day. Haha. But we worked it off with a bajillion trips up and down the stairs, so I was ok with it.

We spent Saturday morning unloading everything, before the sun came up and toasted us all (though we got toasted anyway, with all that physical activity). I began unpacking all of the boxes and placing stuff where I wanted it while they set up my bed & helped me arrange furniture the way I wanted it. Saturday night we then went to Staples to get my desk, as well as to the mall so Paige could do her school clothes shopping. We also made a trip to Walmart to get lightbulbs (to save energy) and some other stuff that I needed (that was my like third trip to Walmart in 24 hours haha).

Saturday night we went to possibly one of, if not, my favorite places to eat: Outback. It had been over 2 years since I had a bloomin' onion. I was stoooked for it! That night when we got back, Paige & I set out to put my entertainment center & desk chair together while Scott replaced my lightbulbs. We couldn't do much more, since it was already past midnight and we had to hammer nails in stuff. So we went to bed.

The next morning was tough. All morning I kept trying to soak in their presence because I know it will be a while before I see them again. Before they got in the truck to head off, my mom hugged me and began to cry. Her last baby is now independent, and 6 hours from home. I fought back the tears- I knew if I wasn't strong for her, we were both not going to handle this idea well. So I fought them back.... until they pulled out of the driveway. Then I b r o k e. That was the last time I would see familiar faces for a while.

It is scary being here by myself.... it's so different than anything I've ever done before. I can't just get up and drive over to my friend's when I am bored.......

Which reminds me, I didn't get my internet & cable hooked up until TODAY! So I was 3 days without anything to do.... I was bored out of my mind!

I am going to post pt. 2 to this blog so it's not overwhelming, because it's already getting long......

blessed, and so undeserving

2008-08-21T01:05:00.003-05:00

Tonight I have been reminded of how truly blessed I am.....

I was not having the best of days yesterday, after a rather unpleasant conversation with my dad. I was heartbroken.... he always gets mad that I don't call, but every time I do call, it turns out like that. By the end of the conversation, we were both pretty heated, waiting for the other person to really accept and listen to what we have said. That's just it, I wish he'd listen. Not just hear the noise, but process what I am saying.

After the conversation, I texted a dear friend of mine, Justin, and asked if he would please pray for me, as I was a bit shaken up, and on my way to a CPR class, so I had to gain my composure quickly. Instead of just saying "right on, dude" (for those of you that know him, you can almost hear him saying that, because it's exactly how he talks :-)), he typed his prayer out. It blesses my soul when people do that. It's so powerful to know that a) they are faithful to carry out your prayer request, and b) what they are praying for. It just blows me away how obedient, and with one he is with God. Wow. Ever since I've met him, I've noticed something different about him. His passion is so evident right from "hello". He has a passion to know people, to hear their stories, to present their requests before his Heavenly Father, and to see change. Anyway, even from texting back and forth for a couple of minutes, my heart and mind were completely at ease. He said something powerful, when I expressed my frustration with irresponsible parents... he encouraged me by reminding me that "God is intimately involved" in the situation. I re-read that a couple of times. God is intimately involved. Intimacy is so personal. It means that God is close to my situation. He is familiar with my situation. He is aware of every little detail; I could fully explain to one of my friends the past with my parents, and the distance that has formed. But never could I explain the situation completely. They would not fully comprehend the pain, the hurt, the sense of abandonment... you can forgive, but you don't forget. Only God knows the completeness of the situation. And He cares for me.... that is powerful in itself.

What a wonderful thing Justin did, by setting the phrasing up like he did. I am blessed to know such wise people; not just filled with earthly wisdom, but Heavenly wisdom. It is a gift. That phrase has been lingering in my head since I read it. I think it is also so powerful because it reminds me that God created me, and He knows my innermost being. When I feel alone and betrayed, God is there. He is holding me in the palm of His hand. The same Hand that taught the stars how to shine. How beautiful......

And tonight, I was catching up with an old friend, Jason. I haven't talked to him in easily over a year. When we began chatting, we dove into conversation like we would if we had been chatting on a regular basis; like there was no distance between us whatsoever. Usually when situations like that happen, after such a significant amount of time has passed, there is a tinge of awkwardness. But there was not even a hint of uneasiness as we spoke. And our conversation reaked of Jesus. Right from the start, it was God-centered. It blessed my soul, as he asked about situations that I asked him to pray for last. How faithful he is, to remember! How faithful is our God? That He would allow us to have friends like these, and send us reminders of how personal He is, right when we need them the most?

Towards the end of our conversation, Jason mentioned my blogs, how he used to read them (back in the myspace day.....) and he was encouraged and inspired. From me? Really? Are you serious? I didn't think I had an impact on people, but he said how many times he learned from my obedience to tell what was on my heart. So I felt like that was God's way of telling me to blog about what was on my heart. I hope this encourages you, because I am overwhelmed with joy tonight, at this encounter. With this reminder. God cares about every single detail of your life. And He's waiting so patiently for you to approach Him. It amazes me at how patient God is.... sometimes I keep Him waiting for a very long time. I am so unworthy of the blessings that He so graciously pours over me. What a blessing alone that true friendship is. I am so thankful for these encounters with these tremendous men of God, for their obedience and compassion.

God is good..... see for yourself.

p.a.i.n.

2008-08-10T23:37:00.004-05:00

My heart is so heavy tonight, with such an aching pain..... I've felt like my heart was ripped from my chest numerous times today, when it felt like my lungs would not work (weird feeling, have you ever felt like that; where your lungs were too numb to exhale and too full to inhale anymore?). I will recall two of those moments.....

Today we had an extension on our family reunion; like the old days, we got together the day after to eat left over food and converse with those we didn't have a chance to the day before. I rode my bike down to the park (a few blocks) to where everyone was gathered. Towards the end of the afternoon, my grandma (left in the picture) and her two sisters walked up to the bathroom. Now this is quite an accomplishment; the bathrooms were a couple of football fields away from where we were located, and two of these women have a difficult time getting around. On their way back, after catching their breath for a while, they began to talk about how good it was to see each other. They grabbed each other's hands, and my Aunt Irene (right in picture) mentioned that this could be the last time they were all holding hands; a sad but painfully true realization. Aunt Irene then said "If I get to Heaven before you two, I will wait at the gate so we can walk in hand-in-hand". That already broke my heart, just to think that it probably was the last time they were going to see each other; my Aunt Irene has been ill, which is why this is the first time in 6 years that she and my Uncle Ike were able to make the drive for the reunion. From that moment on, they were inseparable the rest of the afternoon; they all sat together on a park bench, talking and holding each other. It was one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Then it came time to say our goodbyes. So we all hugged one another, kissed each other's cheeks and said how good it was to see the other person. The time came when my grandma hugged her sister, Irene, goodbye. They began to sob in each other's arms. My Aunt Mary (the third sister) rushed over and wrapped her arms around the both of them. All three held each other and cried, again at the fact that this was probably their last goodbye. My heart ACHED so badly when I saw this..... oh gosh, the air went in my lungs and wouldn't come out. I had to walk away and think of something else to not join in the sobfest. They're all so close and fond of each other; relationships of over 75 years strong. Honestly, one of the most beautiful yet heartbreaking moments I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

And the next...... I've come to the realization that I have to say goodbye to my family tomorrow. I've never been good with goodbyes, but this one's always the toughest: Nate, Heidi & Landunn. They arrived here Thursday afternoon and are leaving tomorrow night (so Landunn can sleep in the car through the night/meat of the drive). It seems like they just got here; such a tease that they leave so soon. For those of you that don't know, Landunn is the love of my life. This kid has more personality than half of the people that I know (ok maybe a quarter ;-) but still....). From the minute I laid eyes on him, I fell in love, and I fell hard. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for this little boy. It took him a while to warm up to everyone, being so young and not seeing us for quite a few months, but he's finally back up to par, hugging and lovin' on us. I am biased, but I think he is the most adorable little boy in the entire world. I hate knowing that he's growing up so quickly, and I haven't been able to be part of his life in the process, with them living so far away. It makes me want to move down to Florida in a heartbeat, but I know that in the process of growing up, we each have to go our own way and do what's best for us. They're only a plane flight away! It won't be that bad, right? I'm not just having a hard time saying goodbye to Landunn, though he's a huge part of it. I'm so close to Heidi.... she has been my closest friend for the past 6 years of my life! She knows everything about me. Everything. And she's the only person I can say that about. She's my very, very best friend, and I am hers, and I am so thankful to call her sister as well. It has torn my world apart being in this town without her; I am so used to just driving over to their house if I am having a bad day, or for dinner, or just for the heck of it. I miss them being so close, that I can go over there (my 2nd home) and just vent or simply be in their presence. It's taken a lot of getting used to to not have her around. This weekend has been so wonderful, to be able to touch her, and talk to her face to face. And to see my brother.... oh Heavens. How wonderful is he? I'm so proud of the husband that he is- how wonderfully he treats Heidi, especially since she is pregnant with his daughter. And what an amazing father he is. AMAZING. He is sooooooo good with Landunn; he is straight up daddy's boy, hands down. He wants to do everything like and with Nate. It blesses my heart so much to think of how much Nate has grown. At one point I wanted to give up on him, to stop praying, thinking that it was foolish of me to ever think he could fall in love with Jesus.... and here he was tonight telling me how important it is for me to find a good church as soon as I get to Springfield. He's become the spiritual leader that every man should be, openly talking about his faith, in a very real, honest way. He's so laid back, and he constantly gives me a reality check. He's like a father(ish) to me too- tonight he and Heidi sat down and helped me create a budget (I AM GROWING UP!!!!!!!!!!!) for my new job. Gosh, I cannot even express how much my heart needed this weekend. I have been waiting for so long to see them again.... and they leave in less than 24 hours.... back 5 states away. It breaks my heart. I am horrible with goodbyes, but I think tomorrow's goodbye is by far the hardest one I've ever had to say. Ever. It was hard when they moved down to FL in February, but I knew when exactly I would see them next. This time, nothing's written in stone. Landunn will probably be inches taller, and his vocabulary trippled.

......when I look at this face, my world feels like it's alright. Like everything is perfect. Love is a wonderful, painful thing.

weddings get me thinking.....

2008-08-07T15:09:00.003-05:00

A lot of my friends and cousins have been getting married lately (guess it's a summer thing). I will be in two weddings next summer too, so I've been helping plan those or seeing what I can do to help out (we all know it's kind of a bridesmaid's duty). And it's made me start thinking about my own. NO- I am not engaged nor am I even close to a potential dating mate. It's kind of funny to even think about, but let's face it; every girl dreams about her wedding for YEARS. She dreams about her dress, her bridesmaids in their dresses, what the reception site will be like, how many people will be there to show their support. She thinks about her daddy walking her down the aisle, and gazing into her lover's eyes as she walks down the aisle towards him, to spend forever staring in his eyes.

My wedding is going to be so completely far from everything I imagined it to be. Not the traditional wedding by any means; I mean, who is going to walk me down the aisle? Typically the father walks the daughter down the aisle, to give her hand to her husband signifying that the husband will protect and guide her from that point. Those of you that know me know that my dad hasn't been a big part of my life, so having him walk me down the aisle isn't even in question; he hasn't earned the honor and right. So I thought about having my brothers walk me down the aisle, because they've been my protectors and best friends. But I have 3 of them and only 2 arms to hold on to. It would be awkward for the third to walk behind; how would I even decide which two walked by my side and who walked behind? That's not fair. In previous years, I thought that my friend and father-figure, Rich, would marry me (not MARRY me, marry me, but be the pastor conducting the ceremony). But in recent days I've thought about having him walk me down the aisle. Should I even have anyone walk me down the aisle? I think I will be too nervous, jittery, and emotional to walk down by myself, with all eyes on me only.

And what about the daddy-daughter dance? Would it be awkward to just have my first dance with my husband and then cut to the mother-son dance? Without a daddy-daughter dance? I think it'd be kind of fun to dance with all 3 of my brothers. Start off dancing the song with my brother, Nate (he's the oldest), then have Brandon tap him on the shoulder and cut in, then have Aaron step in. That'd be cute :-) And I'd get to dance with 3 handsome men. BONUS! haha.

It just saddens me that due to some people's poor decisions, my wedding will not be the way I had always imagined it. But nevertheless, it will be the biggest day of my life...... and it will be spectacular!

Mr. and Mrs. Rose

2008-08-02T23:55:00.004-05:00

My cousin, Adam, got married today to his girlfriend of 11 years (on and off). ELEVEN YEARS! I cannot imagine the excitement they shared as they said their vows today. It's crazy to me that some couples can wait so long, when others "know" they're ready to get married after like 4 months. I'm about to offer my two cents: you don't KNOW someone after just 4 months. What happens when the butterflies fade? You're left with a stranger.... I'm not going to get into that. Watch me "know" after 4 months. Please hunt me down and punch me in the face if that's the case. Remind me that I am not in love after 4 months.....

Their wedding was beautiful! Gosh, it doesn't hurt that they're amazingly attractive looking, as well as their entire wedding party. Seriously. Looked like a bunch of models up there.

It was so good to spend time with my cousins at the reception. I've missed those handsome boys of mine.

So here's to 50 years, Adam and Jen...... *raises my glass* I know you can do it.

Adam and Jen saying their vows

I love that the girls are holding the golf clubs, and the guys are holding the flowers.

gorgeous colors! Too bad it looks like the petals are pelting Adam's face.

cutting the cake (good thing it wasn't the cheese ;-) )

AVERY!!!!!! I've missed this man somethin' fierce. It was soooo good to see him. (he's my younger cousin... by one year)

Do I not have some of the best looking cousins ever?

me with the handsome groom. Congratulations, Smiley ;-)

My GORGEOUS aunt. Seriously, she looked smokin' hot.

welcome to adulthood

2008-07-31T17:09:00.002-05:00

I left Saturday to go down to Illinois for an interview in Springfield. I figured if I was traveling through, I would seize the opportunity to stop at Aaron & Alysha's for a night. It was fun spending time with them, and seeing Manny. We endulged in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2yv8aT0UFc that video several times, laughing HYSTERICALLY. And now Aaron finds it necessary to speak like Batman at all times now. It's hilarious to me, but I know Alysha will get sick of it fast. We also watched us some Shark Week (why do sharks have an entire week dedicated to themselves? Why isn't there turtle week or giraffe week?).

Sunday I drove to Bloomington and met up with Hanna, which was sooo good. We went to Chipotle for dinner, and went to Cold Stone for dessert :-) Delight. We drove to Ande's house late Sunday night, so I could be closer to Springfield, and wouldn't have to leave so early in the morning.

I wasn't able to sleep really well Sunday night. I slept in Ande's bed while the rest of them slept in the living room. They were trying to give me a good night's sleep. But really I just kept thinking about the interview; questions they would ask, intelligent answers to respond with... ya know, typical jitters. I finally crashed sometime after 3 and was wide awake at 5 freaking 30! So I got up and got around. I wasn't nervous as I was getting around. In fact, I wasn't nervous until I pulled into the human resources parking lot that morning. I think it had to do with the prayers; all of my girls texted me that morning/afternoon saying they were praying for me, and Ande's mom prayed with me before I left (which meant a lot to me).

The interview(s) went well- with human resources & with the unit director. I felt completely comfortable being myself around the director; she was soooooo friendly and energetic, wanted to get to know ME (not my nursing capabilities or qualifications, she asked a lot of questions about ME; she can read about my qualifications on my resume). She showed me around the unit, and I felt a peace. Everyone was soooo friendly. Oh my word, one of the most laid back atmospheres I've seen in a hospital.

I met up with Hanna for lunch afterwards, and my mom suggested I stay another night and spend some time with Ande, since I only saw her for a few minutes before I went to bed. She was excited to have me stay again. We spent time with her brothers watching movies and watching their baseball games before we went to bed. I left shortly after I got up the next morning. Gosh, it was incredible to spend time with her and get to know her family. They are incredible people. It's always encouraging when you see a healthily functioning family. THEY DO EXIST! haha. Praise the Lord.

On the way home I debated if this is the job I wanted. It's so far from everyone, except for Ande, but that's still an hour plus drive. I want to work with peds, and this is strictly an adult unit. But the more and more I thought about it, the more I think this is my best option. I am no where NEAR ready to deal with confused, scared, upset parents. I think it will be best for me to get experience with different treatments, and skills before I enter pediatric oncology.

So with a lot of prayer and support from family and friends, I accepted a full-time position at Memorial Medical Center today. I start September 8th, but I have to be moved in and sign papers August 26th. That is just over three weeks away!!!! Oh my word...... I've had so much on my mind lately; I have so much stuff to take care of before I go. I have to get a bunch of papers and documents around for the hospital, I have to find and make a payment on an apartment, I need to keep my eyes peeled for a car, I have to take my CPR recertification course.... I'm reminded of a song right now... good ole' MXPX "Responsibility, what's that? Responsibility not quite yet. Responsibility, what's that? I don't want to think about it; we'd be better off without it." You punk-ers might remember that song.

I'm an adult... with a REAL job. And before I know it (ready or not), I will have to start making payments; apartment, student loans, car, insurance, phone....... it stresses me out to think about, quite frankly. But I need to be prepared.

Please pray for me. As exciting as this is, I have a lot of emotions. I'll be moving away from close friends, out of the house I've lived in for 22 years, and lonely as can be for the first few weeks probably, until I start making friends and getting involved in a church. I need to be covered in prayer right now as I embark on this journey, and I thank you ahead of time for being faithful to pray.

new things

2008-07-23T15:15:00.005-05:00

This is going to be a really random post. I don't think anyone reads this anyway, so I don't think you'll mind.

I realized yesterday why I've never tried the balance board at YFC.... I introduce to you the death trap (LEFT). I never got on it because Beth and I watched SO many kids fly off of it last summer. If you don't have your balance right away, the board rolls quickly right out from underneath you and you catch some serious air until you fall, helplessly, onto the floor. That is EXACTLY what happened to me. I didn't even think about what I was doing. Most of the kids were playing dodgeball, but no other adults were playing so whosever team I was on would have an advantage over the other, so it wasn't fair for me to play. The boards were sitting there, looking inviting (apparently). I stepped on, and the next thing you know, I was sailing through the air, and landing on my wrist. I have never experienced so much pain in my entire life (I have been very blessed to remain mostly injury-free). I tried to play it off like I was ok, but it was THROBBING and my hand kept going numb. So I decided last night that I should drive home and go to the ER. We waited forever: they took 8 xrays of different angles to conclude that I did not break my wrist. Instead I tore a lot of cartilage that keeps your little wrist bones in place. So I got it wrapped and got some sweet pain killers. Hopefully it starts feeling better. I think the funniest thing was explaining to Beth (who is up North camping) what happened, because we laughed so much last year at the kids' attempts. She immediately started laughing, envisioning it, as did I.

I have my first job interview probably Friday. I've really been praying that if I am not supposed to get this job, that this interview wouldn't be an option; Springfield is 6 hours away, and I cannot afford gas if it's just going to be a shot in the dark. So I'm praying that God recalls my request.... I want this job so badly. It would be a tremendous stepping stone towards my ultimate goal of working with children with cancer. I would get some great experience working at this oncology unit (with adults). Please be praying that I get this job; that there's something noticably different about me, and it attracts the hiring manager's attention.

Nate, Heidi & Landunn will be here in 15 days!!!! You have no idea the excitement that brings me. I miss them so incredibly much. I cried every day for the first month I was home, because it's not the same without them here. They're my BEST friends. So it's hard to not share the experience of entering the world as an adult with them by my side. I cannot wait to hug them. What a sweet, sweet embrace that will be. P.S. Heidi is carrying my niece inside of her right now ;-) She found out Monday that it is a girl.

I've been reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. Yes, we were supposed to read it for a class at school, but I never did. I wish now that I would have. It is really stretching me, and making me more disciplined and intentional in my walk with Christ. It's challenging me, and I appreciate that. I want to read all the way through it, but I'm trying just to read and absorb one chapter at a time before I pass to the next. I'm starting to appreciate community more and more. I miss mine from school. What a blessing they have been to me...... I love you guys dearly.

my heart is happy

2008-07-08T14:21:00.002-05:00

FINALLY, after a month of waiting, I got to see this face again last night:

I missed you so much, Christina. I'm so thankful for your friendship. More than you will ever, ever know.

I am free!!!

2008-07-02T15:21:00.002-05:00

Friday morning we left to head to Jr. High camp. We had a lot of kids from the SW Michigan chapter going. The Coldwater kids met here in town.... I got a smile on my face when the bus pulled up to pick us up, and kids were yelling my name out the window. :-) They were excited that I was coming this year, which was so rewarding.

The first night of camp, Wes, our speaker, gave his testimony about his parents' relationship. I think the brokenness he experienced, as well as his family, really hit home with these kids. I know it really sparked our small group's discussion that night, speaking about broken families and where is God in all of that? It is not an accident that any of those girls were at camp to hear Wes' message, nor was it an accident that Beth and I were the leaders of these girls, having pretty significant family stories. God really moved that night. The girls were so attentive and raw. They asked some deep questions. Beth and I were really excited that if they were that open with us, we were going to grow so much by the end of the week!

We did some fun activities; went to The Beach (a water park), King's Island (amusement park), had a move & groove night, a country western themed night....

But it was so incredible to see these kids amped up for worship with Ryan & his wife, Ferren. They did such a wonderful job choosing songs that were easy to learn, had dance moves, and the kids could really let loose.

Wes perfectly illustrated the last night the fall of man (sin), which is what kept us from God. Then he illustrated Jesus stepping in and hiding our sin. When he wrapped up the gospel presentation, he asked the small group leaders to come sit on the stage. He asked the kids to put their heads down, and invited them to invite Jesus into their heart, and forgive them of their sins. After he prayed, he asked them to respond by opening their eyes and making eye contact with their leader on stage if they invited Christ into their hearts for the first time. FOUR of Beth & my seven girls looked up at us. It was so exciting because you know it came from their hearts; they weren't looking around to see if their friends were looking up, they individually chose to respond. One of our girls recommitted her life as well. I cannot tell you the rush of emotion that fell upon me as these girls made eye contact. They have LIFE now! They have been given the gift of eternal life with Christ. Beth and I were absolutely beeming, and the girls noticed our joy. We got to go back to the cabin and talk with them about their decisions and pray with them. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to be one of God's instruments in their lives this week. Thank You, Jesus! Beth and I are going to encourage the girls to read one chapter of John a week, and get them together to discuss our growth/struggles once a week. These are some hurting girls, and I praise God that He loves us through our pain. I thank Him for their friendship; that they may grow closer together through their similar struggles.

What an incredible week....... please continue to pray for each and every single one of these kids as their RUSH and excitement may dull as they return home. May they remember what they learned and camp and really apply it to their lives every day.....

I am free to run!
I am free to dance.
I am free to live for You!
I am free!!!!!

Everytime We Touch

2008-06-24T16:00:00.002-05:00

Life has been grand, lately. I've been really conscious of other people, their feelings, and I've been very intentional in my relationships with them. Sometimes I almost feel like I give too much, like I love too hard. But I've been re-learning to keep Christ first. If you always keep Him the focus of your attention, everyone else will receive just enough lighting. Trust Him always; everyone else will only let you down.

I am very excited about this coming weekend/week. My old boss, Kim, asked me about 3 weeks ago or so if I would go with Youth for Christ (where I worked last summer) to jr. high camp if I didn't have a job. And since I am currently an unemployed bum, I am returning to jr. high camp. It's going to be so amazing. I miss my ministry with the kids so much; and most of all I miss my combined ministry with my best friend, Beth. We worked SO well together last year. Wow, what a summer we had. So I'm excited to spend a week picking up where I left off. I cannot wait to love on the kids and offer myself to them wholeheartedly. And I must admit, I am pretty psyched for the water parks & King's Island again. :-)

Anyone have any recent lessons learned they want to share? I love learning.....

this week

2008-06-14T18:13:00.002-05:00

Here are just a few fun memories from this week (I could write a whole heck of a lot, but I will spare you readers from involuntarily reading a novel):

-seeing my nursing girls
-TGIFriday's with Kimmy, Lori, and Caitlin
-holding hands with Cait at The Strangers... haha. My hand is still numb.
-surprising Ande at midnight (she was shaking; then again we did wake her from her slumber)
-having my brother not recognize me not once, but twice, in one week
-HUGS!
-passing NCLEX (and finding that out while surrounded by my friends/nursing girls)
-such sweet laughter
-Ande and I piercing each other's ears.... some of us piercing better than others ;-)
-Tea Time (oh my goodness, that did my heart so good)
-Justin Torrence. End of story. (and his tid bit about lion sex)

to God be the glory

2008-06-14T17:55:00.002-05:00

I could hardly sleep Tuesday night, I was so anxious about seeing my grade on the NCLEX. I had driven down to Bourbonnais to surprise Ande for her birthday with Caitlin. So I stayed up talking with Cait about it until almost 2 am. I still couldn't sleep, so I wrote Christina a letter while everyone else was sleeping, trying to manage my time to spend as much of it with the girls as possible. I finally fell asleep at 3, or shortly after. I was up at 7:30 when I heard Jami & Ande getting ready for their Christian Faith class. I tried to make myself fall back asleep, as I had 4 different dreams (that I can remember, there may have been more) that I failed my exam. So I was more nervous to check.... but Caitlin had gotten up and ran to the living room to see if I had checked yet. I said no, so she brought me my laptop so I could log on and see if they were posted. They hadn't been posted. So I laid back down on the couch with my laptop by my side. Cait crawled on the other couch to go back to sleep. I leaned over and thought, "Ok, I will hit the refresh button ONE time, and if they're not up yet, I'm going to sleep." As I clicked, the "your results are not ready at this time" disappeared, and "Quick Results Ready" appeared. I slowly sat up, so as to not disturb Caitlin, and grabbed my credit card. I entered the information and clicked next.... as my heart was racing, this informational page that I cared nothing about popped up. So I clicked again...... and my heart stopped.

Autumn Tagert
Grade: Pass

I stared at it for a good 30 seconds before I was able to mutter, "Cait? I passed!" She JUMPED off the couch, and ran to my side to see for herself. "Call EVERYONE!" So I began calling people that had been praying so faithfully for me....

God is faithful, to the very end. To Him be all praise, honor, and glory.

Autumn Tagert, B.S.N., RN :-D

my brain = jello jigglers, anyone?

2008-06-09T17:34:00.002-05:00

I don't remember ever feeling this drained before....

spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally....

my brain literally feels like it's a plate of jello, swishing from side to side at any sudden movement.

I dread the question: "So, how did you do?"

I took my NCLEX exam today. Four years of nursing school under my belt. You'd think it would be a piece of cake; merely a sprint to the finish line. Give it all you've got, and it'll be good enough, right? I'm not so sure, after today. Everyone in my class has passed so far. And they all 'thought they failed'. I wouldn't say that I think I failed. I am just uneasy about not having any indication of how it went, whatsoever. As crazy as it sounds, the test was the easy part. Yes, it was 3.5 hours, and it was filled with my leg bouncing up and down, and me squirming in my chair after I passed the first 170 questions. Brain throbbing as I approached 265. But I think when the pointer is spinning, while the green status bar is growing, and while the page is loading is when I'm really going to feel it. I'm terrified for the results page to load. It should NOT be an indication of my intelligence, but how can it not feel that way? I worked so hard for this. Blood, sweat, and tears (many of those, might I add. Many, MANY of those).

It's the waiting game, which just so happens to be my least favorite game in the world.

new blog for a new beginning

2008-06-08T16:23:00.000-05:00

First xanga. Then livejournal. Then myspace. I haven't really blogged in a while. As I mature, those fade into the distance. I don't want to be so public (ironic, I say that as I post my life online for all to see). So I figure I'll give this a shot. I'm going to be raw; because lets face it, emotions compose about 80% of our actions. Hopefully the other 20% of our actions are made up of conscious effort.

So here it is..... this is me.....